Hey fuckers. Sorry for being a shitty blogger. Good writer. Crap blogger. What guy, I be busy! As balls maybe even. Are these enough excuses can we move on to the party now? Great.

Truth be told my life is filled up with so much more you know nothing about. I know how bloggers look, can look. So easy, so lazy, so whatever. Trust me, there’s a lot else “going on”. I don’t know why it seems to be ok to attack bloggers, who are essentially just artists when in actuality they be hustlers and it’s a struggle sometimes. When you have idle hours you become what is known as “the fixer” and you never actually have any fucking spare time! And perhaps if you do it’s taken as necessary spare time because you might be afflicted by copious, various, mentall illnesses and/or hangovers (lol) resulting in mysterious and atrocious lower back pain rendering one to soul search the hell out of their lives for the past 72 hours.

But alack, a fog has lifted. I have decided to get something Dr. Claw level gangster office chairish in nature. I’ve sat so damn much in front of a computer for 32 years I don’t think this office chair is cutting it anymore. I was really depressed the other day because I was bedridden and I really wanted to write a couple chapters for MY BOOK THAT I AM FINALLY LEGIT WORKING ON but I had to lie in bed sharing shit from buzzfeed and whatnot on facebook, twitter, etc, and feeling like everybody hates me and I am annoying them with my opinions about Will Smith and Caitlyn Jenner. Instead of writing what I really wanted to write and start to change my fucking life around but nooooooooooo am probably dying of kidney failure instead.

I bailed on trivia which also made me feel like a dick. Went to this diner that has “good food” then laid on the couch the rest of the night somewhat in a coma. I just couldn’t sit up in a char all night at our regular so I had to bail. Unless it is socially acceptable to lay down in pubs now I do not think I will be able to attend.

I finally spoke to my literary agent and told him the good news about the book redirection and how I am super 100% focused on it. “It’s time” and all of that. I am going to take a more dedicated approach this time because I know between the two of us we are both too passive about this process. We have to figure out if it can be fiction or non-fiction too because I don’t want to get sued. I am shelving How to be famous on the internet for now. I never really wanted to write that stupid fucking book anyway. I mean I did but all these things have happened since I first started writing it in Deep River I feel like I am gigantically a different person now. I am going to keep the domain though in case someone wants to buy it from me. I’m not closing the door on that book though because I still have 3/4 of it written. It’s gonna be my backup next book perhaps once this sexy one is done.

I just wanted to check in here with you in case you cared and kind of plead my case because my back is always against the wall because that’s the cards I’ve been dealt so I play.

Have a cool weekend everyone!

What’s up peeps, geeks and freaks!

You’ll have to forgive the amount of similar hair selfies you’re gonna see here. How often does your hair look fly AF.

And before it was curled. Okay lets topic change for a breather.

I worked on this painting a little bit. I painted two books, those glasses (turned goggles).

And drew a design on this bottle.

It has been chily lately no? Out come the party leggings.

Found a cute little jumpsuit of mine I bought in Holland, Dutch Sis got a matching one also. Shoulda snapped a pic but didn’t for some reason. This w/e was kind of a gong show vortex.

Delicious cherries. Nourishing.

I took several pictures of this IT WAS BLOWING MY MIND haha. Lazy stoner art has always been my forte.

I Houdini’d out of the party because I was tired as shti went to Crappy Tire to get propane for late night bbq. It was an awesome party I wish I didn’t stay up so late the night prior to. Stupid. I was tired the day before too. I am just too old for all this givin’er. I didn’t take ant pictures either.

Cousin Kiki Kitty meow.

We chased this red sunset. It sort of worked out ha ha.

I want to get a coat like this one I borrowed from Kiki. It makes me look fancy like I am into horses and reading the NYT.

Angie has like a wall of jewelry you stare at for the 3 hours your hair processes is rinsed and blown. i got a ring and these earrings. I like dainty girly shit because I am such a trashmouth. Life is all about balance.

Last Wednesday. I changed into jeans before heading to trivia night. Paul said I looked tired. COOL I said. FRIENDS ARE AWESOME. the thing is I wear less makeup and have more tan so I always looks like I am a farmer/apple stand lady. I think it is kinda sexy in a delusional way, like all other things.

From Streetsvegas. I’m a photo hoarder. Used to drive by these daily for ten years on the bus to school. We used to say this pioneer cemetary was haunted. How original!

Ancestors of some of our friends are buried here #historical!

Okay I gotta go sorry ttyl!

You ding dongs ready for a thuper post! What’s up Love Robot whuttttt ^^ #respect.

I went with Ben Miner to a comedy gala thing for blindness at the Carlu, swanky night! Sat at a table in the front row like ballers. This one comedian said a joke that I had heard on tv before that I repeated to an ex of mine and we made this joke everyday all winter long to each other then I HEARD that very same joke this night, blasted on beers dressed like a gala diva (just go with it) and it was a very zen moment for sure.

My favourite house. I asked if we could shoot a web series here. They said yes. Now I just have to make it crappen.

Another givin’er weekend is upon us. Stoked. This hot weather is so exotic. My mother said that. I would have said tropical. Same diff.

Ya guy.

Got there early, got all ma shots in there bro Lebowskis.

He did something lewd below me. This was aftermath. Only because I don’t like how I look in the photo I’m not sharing it.

There may be some monster bikini sightings this w/e.

Got a bit of sun there.

Then we multiplied into more. Good night this night plus weekend.

NICE.

Bouquet of kittens so adorb.

Then went to Streetsvegas.

I used this camera in Holland. It makes all experiences seem touristy and beautiful. I used it in Aruba too. Spectacular. I have always loved photography.

Finally changed my toenails. These are neon yellow teeks my mom gave me. I had them in hot pink but were ruined in Aruba from water. The first time I went. They’re comfortable and very light.

Mom gave me a bunch of light white tea towel doiley-like shirts I just discovered that’s why they’re so wrinkled. These acid wash shorts used to be jeans. I found all these shorts from a previous life that all fit me perfectly. DOPE SQUAD.

Not a bad look Lauren.

Walk softly, carry a big stick.

Ok doke, time to fold my laundry now and edit some things and be a business lady. Oh if only you knew. Actually I am glad you don’t. Check you later.

Enjoy your day, no complaints here. For now!

Greatings. Good tidings in general to all, you purveyors of stuff you purvey and blogs you read of things people permit you to see. Blogging is about seeing and being seen.

Yesterday decided to go d/t btown to my old haunts for a beach power walk then mom and philip met up with us.

I pigged out yesterday. After restricting all afternoon. I am insane. I had fries. Shared a ghetto burger. Then we had nachos at Emmas. Sangria. Then sour candy at Mad Max, plus pop A LOT, and popcorn. Then I had a KFC cookie. Then I got my period at 4am with the worst cramps ever. Cool story.

I’m doing this post because I feel bad in not giving a little something to the immediate audience. If I squirrel away and only work on my book 7 days a week the fires that are burning will go out. Also it’s a means to procrastinate some more.

It’s been a stressful couple of weeks.

I love the waterfront.

That’s a mandarin pop. About the time my diet efforts took a nosedive.

Went on an adventure hike date then had a burger on kelsey’s patio in the sun. Dating is insane can I just say that for a second? All these people come in and out of your life, pile up. I get unsolicited dick pics, weird attacks about the amount of chances I “have been given” to get a move on with such and such a guy I haven’t even conversed at all with yet! Guys ARE INSANE!!! Anyway. I have been passive and I think that makes them mental too. I “Houdini” out. I do not have a positive outlook on tinder and exactly what happens when you go on dates and if it goes further then it doesn’t go any further than that so I have been giving guys zero chances, not going out… but I still want to be active and I like variety. Maybe I average 3 dates a month? 2?

We saw that coming back down. Yikes.

Guys don’t really leave you alone until they’ve had sex with you or if they haven’t and I’m not really doing that with anyone so you can guess how many guys are bugging the shit out of me right now hahaha. The single girl always gets it the worst. Attacked, harassed or smothered.

I want to do more modelling gigs. Who do I reach out to for that?

I made this. I am done being a purist and not using oil or butter when I make eggs and be fucking with them sticking to the pan. Margarine is the answer.

WILL put my painting together SOON. Without buckles this time.

This guy was like shave your legs. I was like they ARE shaved and smoothed YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE!! JK but I wanted to. Men piss me off all day long morning noon night with their dumb ass commentary. I loved Mad Max so much with bitches taking over I am that level-rage when a bro so much as chimes in a teeny bit negatively to me about me lol.

I made the dopest marinade for these breasts. I am getting into baked potatoes too a little bit. I find that re-introducing carbs a little bit has actually helped my metabolism like they’re a new toy for my body to deal with and my stress hole is loving the addition and playing ball right back.

I’ve been annoyed with all my shorts being too big for me and then it dawned on me that maybe “it was time” to pluck these out of my underwear drawer’s top right corner where I have been hoarding them for 3 years. They fit, albeit tightly as frig but still, still! I was a beanpole when I bought these. I wore them to The black keys (what’s up Nicky you remembered!) and now I get the privilege of them camel toeing me all over again like the ageless beauty I am.

Our wardrobes are lifelong personal curations and luckily I stick to certain matchy palettes of neon it’s so easy to pull things altogether. I’m about to do a purge then I am going to reward myself with some new pieces.

Sorry if this offends your sensitive sensibilities but I had to share the loving insides of my shorts. When I found them at UO, each dyed pair was unique unto itself these vintage shredded daisy duke levi’s and it only took me a few try-ons to absolutely know these were the ones that’s why I have never given up on my slimming down goal just for these dumb ass shorts. I tried to give them to my niece but she’s too lithe so it was up to Aunt Raymi alone to get’er done. That’s how you stick to your body goal dreams. I know there’s a few ladies who have adopted my odd diet regimes and are seeing results so I tip my crazy hat to you.

Okay that’s all I budgeted for today I have some tasks to tackle xo!!!

To be continued.

You dopes ready for this?

Welcome to my birthday party of one, starring Bum Bum Lauren and a gift from Jodie which finally got to me now. My birthday was March 31 btw. Anyway, it’s Jodie’s actual birthday today can ya frigging believe it? I don’t even know how long she has been a Little Raymi for, probably a long time. Back when I was good at blogging. If we have learned anything from David Letterman’s farewell broadcast from last night it’s to self-deprecate your skills always and forever like the champ you are (not).

This is Jodie btw everyone! She lives in Edmonton!

I remember when “unboxing” was all the rage (when I started doing it and NO ONE else was #humblebrag) it was exciting to get mail and that makes a compelling video because you capture a moment, a feeling, a real feeling of joy and the mystery of what is this?? When agencies started sending me stuff and like megaloads of it, duplicates of swag meant to tastemake and share with your cool friends it was always like, is this really happening? Unboxing is a huge trend right now fyi apparently.

I do get mailed things from time to time that I don’t blog and trust me I feel like a POS about it. Usually it’s books I don’t find the time to read and pass along I am sorry if you have sent me something and I didn’t do right by you. I encourage you to keep trying. Pester me.

Thank you Jodie. So touching and Happy Birthday to you too – may this blog post of your generosity to Planet Raymbo serve as a cheapskate birthday gift back.

Another thing about these Little Raymis people is they are selfless as shit. Okay I’ll stop being a ding dong and get on with the show!

I was going to wear that mangled ribbon in my hair for a few selfies to be funny but I forgot therefore didn’t. Damn.

Rocky was delighted you thought of him too.

Oh well now eh!

I tweeted this quote, an artsy hipster image I ripped off tumblr a week before Jodie facebooked me and showed me this t-shirt that she was buying me for my birthday. Go for it I said being all flattered and teary-eyed.

Abrasive girl bro culture shirt in full-effect I wonder how people are gonna dig me out ‘n about can’t wait haha.

Ready for the beach mon.

This one has cat hair on it. Jodie do you have a cat?

This would be a good outfit to wear to WWF no? I love Pandas. Am I driving you guys crazy yet with my stupid jokes or do you want more?

There’s my abs my flabs. My ex whom I hang with sometimes I don’t know why because we are constantly awful to each other but anyway he made a dig at me and said, “your aging body” during a whatsapp fight and I snapped, naturally. But yesterday he was like damn it must be nice to have a hot body like that. Seriously. Fuck men, while I’m at it. I’m not really dating right now I’m just hating. My tinder pile doth grow though. I tell everyone I use it for self-promotion WHICH is true AND does work BUT there is also a hopeful curiosity about the needle in a stack of needles aspect of it. I just want to be in love again that’s basically it. I am fine and happy with my social group and all of that, content, but you know there is just something about connecting with someone that makes life better, you feel less like a monastic fucking monster lunatic and then you get in crazy shape from all the wicked sex and you’re less bitchy blabbity blah etc.

Sayonara for now. I want to get another chapter of writing in. I’m writing a new book. It’s a sex book. Each chapter is a sexual encounter, all anonymous and currated from the “best of” highlights.

Unrelated, I finally saw Fifty shades of Grey yesterday. It was BORING and Christian Grey makes me want to beat the shit out of some guys IRL I/we know, dunno why…hmmm. LOL.

Thanks again Jody babe this post is for you!

I see that I applied my makeup like an idiot yesterday. Whatever.

I did not know that garbage bag would be in the shot. GREAT STUFF!

I don’t ever want to wear a string backpack ever again. It’s like hot burning rope digging into your tan. Exactly like that.

Went ALL OVER streetsvegas yesterday. Long day. Was awesome. Mom was shooting a Nepal benefit. Mad nostalgia-laden that town is. I dragged my roommate everywhere.

Interesting.

Ten years of my life spent here.

Three here. I transferred in grade 9 from catholic cos I was so done with religion. I also wanted a change of scene. I graduated in grade 12, but I think I took some extra credits? Going to summer school in England is what sealed it all up fast track style for me I think. I will have to go look into this.

Pretty awesome seat to watch the concert which ended around 6:30.

Had to keep ordering here because I wanted to watch from the patio. We left for another long adventure then came back again to watch the rest of the show. I have ADD. If there was a family circus cartoon of our foot traffic all over streetsville, it would be ridiculous!

This is from Holland. Mom snatched it right off me.

I’ll be blogging Saturday’s pool jam birthday party bonanza pics later on this week. All the things.

Smooth operater.

To be continued.

++++++

One more thing. This is my Nana and I from last summer at my cousin’s wedding. I was her date because my Papa RIP. It was an emotional and lovely occasion so this is a truly poignant photo. My brother saw it and was like um who took that photo? I was like why??? He was like because it’s like, good! He thought some big shot photographer took it. A wedding photographer bro that’s all. Oh Nana. <3

And this for good measure. Kay Happy Victoria Day all.

xo RLW

(I was going to talk about how I started writing again, Lauren Writing again but forgot but intended too zzzz k bye).

HELLO THURSDAY!

It’s gorgeous out better wrap this up quickly. Blabbity blah here’s some stupid crap about myself etc etc go blogging.

Versatile pieces, mix n match master.

I always feel at conflict with photographing my body. Sharing it. Like I should feel shame. Like there is something specifically about me that sets off other women when I go lewd. When I reach a happy goal and don’t give a _____ because I am going through some shit right now, it bothers me. To let others’ nasty comments affect me. Influence. Something that I daily work on for me. People are gross, long story short.

Last night was awesome though. We dominated trivia and won. Had a big crew. Lots of wings and good times. Next week it’s Kevin Bacon! I should tweet him. Okay I just did LOL. I JUST saw Footloose for the first time a few nights ago. On the weekend I guess maybe that’s why it felt extra magical? I mean there is stardust and glitter at the end of the movie. People have been enjoying my obtuse facebook status updates about movies I’ve seen 30 years after the fact. I have seen a lot of movies but somehow (it happens to us all) a few classics slipped through the cracks. “Must see” classics I mean. Like, the entire Godfather trilogy. We rented them like good citizens you know but I avoided watching because I saw that they were a double VHS copy (LONG BORING!) and I wanted to watch unicorns and shit instead right? So I played in my room while my brother and dad got through them.

Fast forward to now, a few weeks ago and I watched all three godfather movies! An accomplishment for real seeing as no one has time anymore for anything let alone 3 fucking 3 hour installments BUT everything makes sense now. Why guys are so hard for gangster shit and how much goodfellas and casino could not exist without The Godfather. How Andy Garcia is so spanish for this role and watching with my latin ex who is an expert on all things spanish therefore… anyway it was an awesome escape definitely to sit down with the right attention span and take in these movies I have somehow avoided major plot point spoilers for decades. I also talked about my movie watching progress throughout with my one Italian friend and it KILLED HIM to hear my anecdotes, pure comedy you’re welcome.

There you have it.

Last night. I toyed with wearing a belt or not. Who says I need to wear a belt?

Greasy hair a bit. Felt Rock and Roll yesterday I guess. Got some good shots outside during sunset though please standby.

Back to le grind xo thirsty Thursdettes.