reviewing dance videos.

how can you get shy all by yourself but dance maniac in front of hundreds?

yesterday was pay day. today all i have is dance and then sweet fuck all (which is when the best things go down) til tomorrow wherein i have an appt with psychiatrist which is probably the most self indulgent of all, maybe. get party script off i go then it’s she and him (get to stare at zoey deschanel) vip sound academy and if that other bar across the way isn’t filled with execs get to have to self. drank tix with raymi the minx printed on them specially.

when they run out, get more.

thursday hair did with rose oh yes then rethink rhomp at steamwhistle (best gift bags ever) superhero theme can go dressed as any retarded fucking thing i want. friday cheese boutique is putting together a delectable lunch spread for me and we will discuss a collab. they’ve been spying on raymi for two years now. in-between all of this i will be power-guzzling wine and high-fivin’ every goddamn person i come into contact with. don’t work til saturday, wouldn’t have minded but oh well. i am also leaning out.

thanks for hitchin’ a ride on the bipolar express.

oh and melodie just told me terry’s gonna be hangin’ around the house soon. two words: FUBAR SEQUEL.

BOOM!

we’re goin’ to lady gaga at the end of july. we have two pairs of 4 tickets. for two dates. we’re going to flip the second set of 4. going to the first show. good seats. i have a date spot. you have to pay for the ticket though (cheapskate) this is the first ticket i have paid for since, um, a looooong time ago. also most expensive. worth it. tell me why you should be my date. you have to put out and buy all my drinks. YOU CAN EVEN BE A GIRL. and we’re dressing insane too. you have to dance on your chair. i’ve never planned so far in advance for something, paid for something i don’t get for months. we’ve been patient. so the extra four tickets for the second date are available for sale. email me if you’re interested.

i have this photo on my phone and stare at it when i get emo hahaha. something about the rich green leaves on a cold summer overcast day kissing at your window.

have your heard that jaydiohead karma police mash-up? well, you should. track 3, no karma.

++++

Kenneth Carr June 7 at 9:17pm

not that it matters, or that it should matter, but i’m not exactly digging that clamshell on your forehead in those fucking floppy dog redneck t-shirt photos. probably the lighting, it looks especially “deep” in those photos.
what happened to your pussy? i haven’t seen it in awhile. did you kill it? perhaps it got lost? tell me you ate it…

Raymi Lauren White June 8 at 11:55am

what the fuck are you talking about don’t ever write me something so irritating and confusing ever again. my time is disgustingly important and limited.

a girl artist wants this shirt baaadly, wants to pay for it and do an art trade. i was like for how much, she said 20 i said i was thinking more like 100 hahaha greedy guts and well, it’s one of a kind and it DOES say bob on the back and it IS my colour and i DO love it and it fits so well. i feel justified in selling things i love at inflated prices because owning them has made the value go up. a girl bought a stop die tee off lucas just because she knew raymi the minx wore it once. STRANGE. anyway, nebraska and i, we’ll do this bartering back and forth email dance for years to come until the shirt is backless like my queen t-shirt i gave skidfanie. speaking of, we need to do a resin raymi stoner chat asap.

Dear Raymi,

Hugs,
Amanda Panda

Hmmmm I reeeeally love this shirt and its one of a kind and says bob on the back but I’m into weird exchanges and money so u say a number first and ill decide. Start high!

Ok how about $20 (USD) and this scarf :

I am at your leisure to negotiate further.

fuck i was thinking more like 100

20 isnt worth it sorry its one of a kind
that scarf is amazing tho too bad it isnt scarf season

Haha. Sorry I am broke and jobless dude. But maybe when I get a job. Also – if you ever get tired of it … ^_^

And yeah, maybe in winter you will be more receptive towards it.

We can keep this nebraska tshirt dance going for years

shit i should just do it based on how adorable and flirty her correspondence is alone.

REAL TIME UPDATE!

Ok I managed to ho myself out.

Hit me back.

DEAL and i’ll throw in the raymi scent free of charge.

christine ordered herself a pair of gold tubeflops. see how i can sell sell sell just about anything? EXCUSE ME, PEOPLE WITH MONEY I HAVE INFLUENCE. i want to see a picture of the gold ones like right fucking now.

mango tour courtesy carlton. look at this non-touristy land he has in jamaica!!! um guess who’s down for that? rule of the bone is one of my top ten books and a good portion of it takes place in jamaica. LORD’A MERCY!

this is what i look like after crying off and on all day. i can’t remember who but she said crying makes you look prettier sometimes. vulnerable? same as glassy-eyed blotto drunk. combine the two.

cheese too. does your bar let you do this? i’m glad we’ve expanded our drinking hemisphere for strung out sunday’s mess club, rob. before this we were at, where else, mitzi’s and took in the best soul healing irish band. i’ll post some videos in a bit. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

heard music when i was trying to disco nap saturday evening and it was actually carlton’s reggae backyard garden jam. i was close to scaling some backyard fences to say hello. next time i will. and yes i called him carlton banks. he said it was a nickname anyway.

two kind of mangos. so great. i love people who carry food with them everywhere. especially organic indulgent delicious foods.

this was the jamaican one i think.

erry’ting irie now.

sure i’ll have some more.

oh look here i am right now smiling.

nails time. shower time.

miss you like a hole in the head.

oh man what a weekend. so many cool things, so many uncool things. definitely running on steam. empty. almost fainted at dance today, well practically did. luckily and coincidentally it was during this part of the do your duty dance where we take a knee so i was all wobbly weak teetering and had to put my hand on the floor then i timed it with the canon arm circle wave and went to have a time out. i was so weak from exhaustion heat stress starvation dance dance dance physical activity in the heat and anxiety. had an attack, took part of a chill pill waited out the panic attack (typically 20 minutes) then it goes away and then you turn into a zombie from the ‘pam. yesterday i ran on empty too and the day before that and the day before that and pretty much every single day before that since back to i don’t know when. it just feels like i am going from one hostile environment to another and there’s something stressful behind each corner some of it you can predict but can do nothing about. cannot adequately vent about it here.

my cousin came out of the closet and family things for him are not good. this was my phone call en route to dance, sort of a mini-crisis sponsor chat during the 15 min ride of meditation i had planned for. then attack at dance. then some shit after dance. and some shit yesterday. guh. anyway. there i mentioned it, released it and now can carry on with the week.

my nap was great. i always feel victorious when i nap like when i blow my nose properly (i am nose blowing deficient) as i never nap, feel like losing the day is a horrible offense.

the first date i went on friday was a bust. not to dog him, but no chemistry. he talked about his sister too much and was a little rigid. very cute though. jewish. photographer. errr. anyway. i took him to watusi and wouldn’t you know it our girl the waitress was there and this time we did our secret spoke club wink wink at each other. quick changed in the bathroom off to czehoski and pass date one on to date two on my bike practically in front of czehoski’s ahhhhhhh hi ding ding just meeting my gf meet ewan mcgregor looking guy drag to harlem underground where THAT waitor says to me at the bar in front of erin who i bump into that this is the third time now he’s seen me with a third guy. that guy needs to learn the spoke club code of mistress silence like my watusi girl hahaha. date two was better than date one. walked all the way home in the rain. late. woke up early for work. and so on. saturday nite made up for everything though.

rob is on the way over to look at how bloodshot my eyes are from bawling them out.

here i am in date two outfit.

date one does not know about my blog. date two is an architect.

pretty indulgent. afterward went to sweaty betty’s where i tried to be a baller and bought 18 year shots of jameson. kind of a dumb $30 last call thing to do but funny, sort of? i live like a begger, tips to tips mostly, no savings. out of control. i don’t think i can even afford to be blond anymore how tragic is that. hilarious almost. i have to stop slacking now i have so much opportunity here i’m done being a child.

this store confusd my brother.

you can buy me one of these any time now.

guess which one i picked out for kamila.

my brother is a hunk and hailey is just gorgeous.

oh crystal. slammin’ outfit.

right down to these puppies.

dr. robert killed it. we want them back.

…as Gord has said “It’s not like it’s some big mystery, it’s practically on display”
The world loves a fighter, Lady. Keep fighting.

i win because i pulled my shirt out of the laundry before going out to this fancy engagement party. i look like the annoying euro at the party nobody wants to talk to anymore. i love being a shithead. white dress behind me did the worm in stacked heels so awesome. hi!

the blink pose is one of my favourites. i almost cut my bangs. f that i’m growing them out and getting my roots done this week.

every time beast took my photo this other guy started taking mine as well with his camera so i vamped for him instead cos i don’t want a stranger having a shitty photo of me yet i can show thousands of strangers my shitty photos here? cool logic. also, beast’s friends are all calling him beast now hahaha. if you become my homie you are guaranteed a nickname. i’m changing my facebook box from FAMOUS PEOPLE LIKE ME to I WILL GIVE YOU A NICKNAME.

it’s been awhile since we’ve made fun of me to my face together so here’s the garbage i put on my dating profile that i’ve decided to take down for the time being or just straight ignore until i do. messages keep piling up, i don’t know how to change my photos which is half the fun of it like on facebook or blogging i am constantly evolving looking hotter or not hotter and not being able to show dudes this is irritating. i have not looked at one other girl’s profile so i don’t know what the competition is like though i hear they all suck compared to mine. shit like I LOVE TO LAUGH. please. as with everything i do in life i half-assed my profile.

anyway i feel like in the short time i’ve tried this out there’s just been too many duds, not that they’re duds just no chemistry. how many dates did i go on? 4 5? i have some great stories i’ll share another time. so here’s my laying it on super thick advertorial, bold is my afterthoughts commentary to you guys:

I am Seeking a
Man

For
Long term

Do you drink?
Socially more like epicly

Marital Status
Single

Profession
Writer (a real one)(as in paid), bartender, artist the writer thing is irritating cos the guys pretend to be all interested and then we have to discuss it and it goes all hipster artist music art scene and so on. snore.

Smarts
Some college lied

Do you want children?
Undecided/Open

Do you do drugs?
No so lied

Do you have children?
No

Do you have a car?
No

Interests

Blogging
Burlesque
beach
nice wine no broke motherfuckers
oldies tunes
all the right movies also annoying cos then they ask to see how quirky or film-buffy i am. guy who cares?
beatles
kerouac
tom waits
mcqueen
dylan
weed
hippies
artists
comedy
good times
travel fly me somewhere
health and debauchery you can be a fuck up as long as you feel guilty about it

ok get ready to laugh

About Me

Clever, quick-witted cross between zoey deschanel i am weird and beautiful? and my mother she will love that but yeah, my mother is incredibly nurturing as much as she drives me insane she’s solid and so am i, well i could be if i needed to be, hahah ugh exactly. Somewhat of a serial monogamist I WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND, first time being single in ages by choice, first time making a go at this dating site thing also i am not a loser. Was engaged last year, left fiance after being together five years. i have to stop telling people this but i felt it was an important thing to mention like i’m worthy enough to be considered marriage material looking for more out of life i’m bored lets do this, enjoy the simpler things as well as spur of the moment indulgences. work hard i am busy, play hard i party and look good while doing it no uglies. Into closeness smothering the shit out of you, and building a life with someone you will be pussy whipped. Experiences are so much more enriching when shared with a partner fact. Am good for long periods of time spent together but also understand the importance of space read: when you’re being a crabby piece of shit i will let you think that i am the problem not you so go read the paper in the park and get the fuck out of the house your passive aggression makes me want to puke. I like to ride my bike or amble across the city on foot on my days off listening to music in the sun BAKED. going out to nice restaurants that you will take me to, dancing, patios, hanging out in the park on blankets, reading, doesn’t matter ultimately it’s the company that matters. I love music too but am no music snob by any means, it doesn’t define me could care less we all know this by now. I’m a pretty creative cook, fearless i have fucked up eating issues. I love animals. debt-free, kid-free, ready to rock you can have kids cos i don’t? just turned twenty seven i will be saying this until the night before my 28th birthday. Oh i love movies and live music and live sports only if drinking is included I like cottaging please have access to one. I can be equal parts princess trophy girlfriend and dirtbag sometimes i don’t shower. i’m into pubs i can hang with the guys and fine dining you better be too. put me anywhere and i will make it fun i am a hyper spazz.

this next part was the afterthought because i started reading guy’s profiles and saw how much everyone was fluffing up their steeze so i felt i should bring it a little more.

essentially, i set out to make myself famous ten years ago and carved out a specific little niche, successfully. don’t really want to advertise it on here, trying to get by on looks and charm alone, for once. basically i’m a smart one, a lucky one. maybe i’ll tell you about it someday.

and then there’s this little wacky part you fill out.

First Date

on our first date i’d suggest a handful of options or let you figure it all out you’re paying. somewhere atmospheric, cozy. once i get over nerves if i like you i’ll probably demand to squeeze your leg or something affectionate grope the shit out of you more-like so you better be into PDAs otherwise piss off. i’m a secret romantic though can be shy about it. i can know a person my entire life and still have moments of shy around them i am adorable. once we decide that there’s mutual chemistry between us the rest pretty much just writes itself. we can hang out on a dumpster doesn’t matter we’re in lust.

i dance like something you’ve never experienced before. a little motown, old timey funk, with great rhythm i will school you. not to brag or anything but i’m that girl your friends hate you for getting to first guys love competition and the thought of their friend having something before them makes them sick. manipulation tactic.

basically i feel like anyone on a dating site is a loser. me included. the worst part about going on dates is seeing hotter tail cruising on by when you’re in the middle of being stuck in an hour or so long meeting. i am way too polite. meredith was right, the guy for you is not on the internet. he’s in the park not talking to you because he’s a fucking idiot.

sometimes i just can’t help myself. that’s me and mr sapporo also mr sleeman, same company eh who knew? not me i know shit all.

oh man so serious. clem is wearing my teeny weeny sweater cos it was pretty damp and cold. he is a skinhead now. he looks like an asian wilson brother in royal tennenbaums when he shaves his head and attempts to kill himself. bush league. love that scene.

central party sweepin’ the city.

here i am trying to be anorexic.

yep none. well, ‘cept for like a lot. and some.

bumped into rob on my way home today he’s a bit bummed. stealing someone’s video footage is like stealing a diary. it’s useless to them right? brutal.

in kind of a weird order.

total superhero outfit. i’ve gotten missed connections on that shirt alone. she was complimented all nite and it made me bratty.

like i wasn’t getting enough attention already. my outfit actually saved luke and i a biking through red light ticket from the popatronz. shaba!

uh whoops. meh. lucas has two wives. big love.

if i don’t blow off steam i blow my head off. that’s the way she goes.

a leather vest holy last nite’s party much.

uh whoops again free show what the hell is going on behind me?

this is why i don’t bother taking my camera out all the time. i got no explanations. just off i go into the ether.

earlier at mitzi’s always great. we complain about how much we go there, practically live there but we love it. it would be cool if everything was at least two dollars cheaper though. there’s just something about the number 10 in a price that freaks me out. you could put 9.95 and then make up a 1.00 additional charge just so i don’t have to see 10.95 you know? city life is not cheap.

my first pho experience. yes, i have been living in a cave on a moon orbiting a sun in a galaxy far away. it was PHOnomenal!

oh joseph you crazy diamond shine on shine on why am i talking like this right now? i had a late nite. was up early. dad’s band playing was a success. i just tried to nap but a rasta band or a rasta party has been afoot since i got home outside my window. i am so tanned miami beach jewish ladies are flying me in to make me an honorary yenta.

insert stupid slang sign off here.

your pal, raymi-san.

i went to shopper’s to grab a trimmer for down there. i use one of those 5-in-1 things that are meant for dudes but they all trim trim (heh) just fine so you don’t have to get one specifically for ladies. i’ve been secretly using melodie’s and the batteries died so i thought i’d just go get my own. of course i drop it before it’s even out of the package and the one best attachment breaks off and won’t affix back on. ever. i sat on the ledge of the tub and stared at myself in the mirror and watched steam come out of my nose. the other attachment will work and the trimmer itself isn’t broken but it’ll take ten minutes longer to clear the teeniest area and it’s quite the jungle down there. awesome.

dragged the family to wrong bar last nite and it was a dub step night which essentially is the same old garage music, jungle (two jungle mentions in one post!) house whatever the crap that ecstasy makes palatable in your ears. i didn’t wear short shorts beneath my risky business dress this time. my underwears are booty shorts anyway so who cares. i complimented these hot rich lame chicks on looking good, said one looked like sienna miller, they ignored our drunken gaggle then lucas gets all offended and starts beakin’ they say you talking to us i say no i was talking to the cab, that cab looks exactly like sienna miller. then inside in the bathroom one of them says i look good, not putting it together that i started the compliment war but anyway that was an example of how positivity (no matter how obnoxious) spreads. no way that girl would have doled out a prop if not for me, not the type of girl you know, snotty, competitive-seeming. hope she sticks to being a saint like me.

speaking of here’s a video of me crappily drumming as a brunette at my dad’s house from 1964.

i just wish my face was more orange here.

so my dad’s band DR. ROBERT is playing tomorrow at the central 3-6pm afternoon show so bring your kids on by for lunch or your crew cos finally it’s convenient to see them playing not in a suburban location. i will not be drumming don’t worry i’ll be getting paid to listen to them for once. check their posters…

bring your moms and dads and every wasp in the annex, they love this shit.

dudes in bars chatting me up please have better breath next time thank you.

what the fuck am i doing inside right now looking at pictures of last nite?

there are a ton of hilarious shots i’ll blog later. also from our sapporo party wednesday nite with the central crew. shit show!

poor rob. while this was being taken his place was being robbed. hello i’m rob and i was robbed. good thing he wasn’t there at the time though, not safe. i hope he’s not thinking but maybe IF i was home they wouldn’t have come? at least they didn’t jack his longboard. that sucks. go parkdale!

if you haven’t seen rob’s movie yet by the way (he’s made many) and you live in (or hate) toronto, you really need to.

still doing waif-like diet. the headaches are the best part.

guess what?

THAT’S WHAT!

so here’s a story. this guy lives around the corner from my work. we follow each other on twitter, fb friends, whatever. one day he’s all i’ll come by the central i practically live there. cool casual no expectations, social city, no big deal. months go by doesn’t happen. then the day i was cruising around miami beach styles in my blue dress and my bloody shoe i see this tall beast of a tanned man sauntering around like a pretentious twat and think holy shit do i want a piece of that but i do nothing as it followed a string of picking up way too many guys not off the internet and that tasting the rainbow (rhonda’s line) makes you feel mental after a short while. then we pass each other again and both stare each other down. do nothing. come ON toronto guys if a girl so much as glances at you it means APPROACH HER. this is why it’s hard for girls in the city, you guys do nothing. always. forever. seriously. how is the planet even populated jesus christ.

ok so i remembered i wanted to get baked before walking down to queen/spadina to get flip flops and financial district to get my bike cos walking stoned is the life for me. everything stoned is sounds like right? shut up. i’m actually weaning myself off as an aside if anybody cares or is listening to me ever.

so i walk back to the hot box to get ripped and guess who i pass ONE MORE TIME. the beast. turns out he was hung and i already made up my mind not to approach so missed connection it was. i figured he probably haunts the market cos he was clearly doing errands and if it was to be then we’d bump into each other yet again. i had no idea he’s the same guy i had previously spoken to via twitter all that crap cos in a thumbnail picture you can’t tell how tall a person is. i’m 5’8 by the way, people ask all the time.

why didn’t i buuuuuy this aside from not wanting to be a fat fuck anymore. why do i torture myself with these photos? creamy coconut dyyying.

treacle is such a disgusting word.

ok fine back to my story.

so this past sunday after dance rehearsal i’m off to wander pedestrian sunday market weirdness, got myself a smoothie and a new pair of shades and then who should i spy? the beast. maybe i should simply call him beast. anyway, i give him this look like oh COME ON pre-emptively frustrated by the i so know you’re not going to approach but simply stare me out. so we pass and i kinda have this stance about me like, bring it on you pussy and it worked. he says to his friend ok i see this girl all the time i have to say hi so he approaches. we chit chat and he says he knows me what??? oh right i’m a famous blogger i forgot for a second there but then i feel stupid cos we’ve actually spoken before. it happens. i can tell immediately that he isn’t entirely a piece of shit so we decide to hang. the end, new friend. the city just gets smaller and smaller then of course turns out we have all these people in common too which is great cos then you instantly get dirt on all of them.

this is a note to self photo.

gridlock traffic ate up so much time if it wasn’t for cheese boutique supplies pretty sure i’d have exploded.

i have taken so many pictures of this pear dessert before. maybe one day i’ll actually try it.

same cut as the nautical print one i bought. too see-thru. until i replace my bedazzled from burlesque bras i have no bras to wear. i feel like i own too many red things.

foot destruction from dance shoes. heal please i want to wear those shoes again asap.

i’m getting good at self control i did not power chow a cookie. or a banana either. i’m breaking up with bananas cos they bind you i thought they didn’t. now i’m all about grapes. they make things move if you know what i mean.

i love wacky details to a room.

everyone around me is wasting away what is going on??

and i’m just turning into a gladiator.

twiggy elyse.

i had a guava guy then i saw the beast.

why can’t i be this organized?

my grandpa made this.

we agreed that investigating secret chambers was a couple’s activity type thing. the date loser from the other nite (haha which one?) at paupers was desperately trying to make talk happen and mentioned the crystal ballroom. i said look, i can barely make time to visit building’s rooms that are generally open to the public year round, why the fuck do i want to see their basements? it came out funnier and nicer but still, i just don’t like crowds on my weekend off.

white wine, mango juice, soda water, ice, and chunks of watermelon. oh summer.

bizarre and bittersweet to sit here as my old condo is right around the corner and i can see into it and the park i always blogged about too.

what a dickhead.

had to buy my own as alicia drunk gifted her pack of rollies to some drunks on annex wreckroom nite.

raymi gaga shoulder pads. cleaned up act for suitor number one date. i am not even going to bother looking thru my dating site messages i’m already over it. do you all want to make fun of the profile i wrote for myself?

nostalgic ashtray.

public. so. good. my one carbs indulgence i still anorexia’d my way thru it, scrape it all off, eat slowly.

i love spying on the world.

jesus what a horrible photo.

hot dimples.

freestyle fuckin around stoned from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

dance as if no one is watching or in this case as if the entire internet is. i’m grooving to groove armada. so into their new album.

just fuckin around baked. no i’m not a rake anymore, don’t care. what am i saying of course i care. what i mean is i don’t care enough to not share this breathtaking video of myself with you (i’ve a longer more stupid one processing as we speak). stoned exercise is the best it never occurred to me before my brother said one of his buddies gets lit then goes to the gym. makes total sense cos then you’re just a machine straight pumping not thinking just doing. keeps it entertaining as we all know exercise can be pretty dreadful and boring. if hippies knew about stoned exercise we’d have all these ripped tea heads roving the city. it’d be awesome. might even become a pandemic. almost as good as my scary b movie idea no one’s stolen yet about bikes that come alive at night when the city sleeps causing mayhem and destruction and when the sun comes up they go back to where they were locked up and the city is all confused as to who’s trashing the place. when you film it you can just shittily ghost ride a bike down a steep street ahah or some brutal stop motion cgi whatever so funny. ok maybe it’s nothing like arnold schwarzenegger stoners but it’s up there in the GREAT IDEAS THAT ARE ONLY FUNNY TO ME department.

oh ok alright alright here’s my rape joke: i’m too slutty to get raped. it received many slightly disgusting reactions. cool. speaking of, we haven’t seen my tits in awhile so here they are.

jumper bathroom visits sitting nakes on the john, shivering with a lineup outside.

the snaps popped at least 300 times. what are the chances of teeny safety pins in melodie’s purse that i borrowed? awesome.

here it is in action. very low cut in the chest. can only pull off if you don’t act self conscious about it like damn straight i know you can see nips maybe if you are a pathetic loser gawping straight in there looking for them. if you catwalk pose then everyone’s just oh yeah duh, fashion, that makes sense. this just in: people are stupid.

post on the way check ya later love you long time.