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high flyin’ bird

i win because i pulled my shirt out of the laundry before going out to this fancy engagement party. i look like the annoying euro at the party nobody wants to talk to anymore. i love being a shithead. white dress behind me did the worm in stacked heels so awesome. hi!

the blink pose is one of my favourites. i almost cut my bangs. f that i’m growing them out and getting my roots done this week.

every time beast took my photo this other guy started taking mine as well with his camera so i vamped for him instead cos i don’t want a stranger having a shitty photo of me yet i can show thousands of strangers my shitty photos here? cool logic. also, beast’s friends are all calling him beast now hahaha. if you become my homie you are guaranteed a nickname. i’m changing my facebook box from FAMOUS PEOPLE LIKE ME to I WILL GIVE YOU A NICKNAME.

it’s been awhile since we’ve made fun of me to my face together so here’s the garbage i put on my dating profile that i’ve decided to take down for the time being or just straight ignore until i do. messages keep piling up, i don’t know how to change my photos which is half the fun of it like on facebook or blogging i am constantly evolving looking hotter or not hotter and not being able to show dudes this is irritating. i have not looked at one other girl’s profile so i don’t know what the competition is like though i hear they all suck compared to mine. shit like I LOVE TO LAUGH. please. as with everything i do in life i half-assed my profile.

anyway i feel like in the short time i’ve tried this out there’s just been too many duds, not that they’re duds just no chemistry. how many dates did i go on? 4 5? i have some great stories i’ll share another time. so here’s my laying it on super thick advertorial, bold is my afterthoughts commentary to you guys:

I am Seeking a

Long term

Do you drink?
Socially more like epicly

Marital Status

Writer (a real one)(as in paid), bartender, artist the writer thing is irritating cos the guys pretend to be all interested and then we have to discuss it and it goes all hipster artist music art scene and so on. snore.

Some college lied

Do you want children?

Do you do drugs?
No so lied

Do you have children?

Do you have a car?


nice wine no broke motherfuckers
oldies tunes
all the right movies also annoying cos then they ask to see how quirky or film-buffy i am. guy who cares?
tom waits
good times
travel fly me somewhere
health and debauchery you can be a fuck up as long as you feel guilty about it

ok get ready to laugh

About Me

Clever, quick-witted cross between zoey deschanel i am weird and beautiful? and my mother she will love that but yeah, my mother is incredibly nurturing as much as she drives me insane she’s solid and so am i, well i could be if i needed to be, hahah ugh exactly. Somewhat of a serial monogamist I WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND, first time being single in ages by choice, first time making a go at this dating site thing also i am not a loser. Was engaged last year, left fiance after being together five years. i have to stop telling people this but i felt it was an important thing to mention like i’m worthy enough to be considered marriage material looking for more out of life i’m bored lets do this, enjoy the simpler things as well as spur of the moment indulgences. work hard i am busy, play hard i party and look good while doing it no uglies. Into closeness smothering the shit out of you, and building a life with someone you will be pussy whipped. Experiences are so much more enriching when shared with a partner fact. Am good for long periods of time spent together but also understand the importance of space read: when you’re being a crabby piece of shit i will let you think that i am the problem not you so go read the paper in the park and get the fuck out of the house your passive aggression makes me want to puke. I like to ride my bike or amble across the city on foot on my days off listening to music in the sun BAKED. going out to nice restaurants that you will take me to, dancing, patios, hanging out in the park on blankets, reading, doesn’t matter ultimately it’s the company that matters. I love music too but am no music snob by any means, it doesn’t define me could care less we all know this by now. I’m a pretty creative cook, fearless i have fucked up eating issues. I love animals. debt-free, kid-free, ready to rock you can have kids cos i don’t? just turned twenty seven i will be saying this until the night before my 28th birthday. Oh i love movies and live music and live sports only if drinking is included I like cottaging please have access to one. I can be equal parts princess trophy girlfriend and dirtbag sometimes i don’t shower. i’m into pubs i can hang with the guys and fine dining you better be too. put me anywhere and i will make it fun i am a hyper spazz.

this next part was the afterthought because i started reading guy’s profiles and saw how much everyone was fluffing up their steeze so i felt i should bring it a little more.

essentially, i set out to make myself famous ten years ago and carved out a specific little niche, successfully. don’t really want to advertise it on here, trying to get by on looks and charm alone, for once. basically i’m a smart one, a lucky one. maybe i’ll tell you about it someday.

and then there’s this little wacky part you fill out.

First Date

on our first date i’d suggest a handful of options or let you figure it all out you’re paying. somewhere atmospheric, cozy. once i get over nerves if i like you i’ll probably demand to squeeze your leg or something affectionate grope the shit out of you more-like so you better be into PDAs otherwise piss off. i’m a secret romantic though can be shy about it. i can know a person my entire life and still have moments of shy around them i am adorable. once we decide that there’s mutual chemistry between us the rest pretty much just writes itself. we can hang out on a dumpster doesn’t matter we’re in lust.

i dance like something you’ve never experienced before. a little motown, old timey funk, with great rhythm i will school you. not to brag or anything but i’m that girl your friends hate you for getting to first guys love competition and the thought of their friend having something before them makes them sick. manipulation tactic.

basically i feel like anyone on a dating site is a loser. me included. the worst part about going on dates is seeing hotter tail cruising on by when you’re in the middle of being stuck in an hour or so long meeting. i am way too polite. meredith was right, the guy for you is not on the internet. he’s in the park not talking to you because he’s a fucking idiot.

19 thoughts on “high flyin’ bird

  1. I’m still swooning about the quote about your mother:

    “and my mother she will love that but yeah, my mother is incredibly nurturing as much as she drives me insane she’s solid and so am i”

    I’m wearing happy pants now.

  2. you should totally repost your info on your profile including your add-ins! It’s cute and funny and might weed out some of the bigger losers (or attract them, what do I know, not much but anyway).

  3. gage you are a goddamn genius. the main reason why i’m taking a dating break is i have no time to interview prospective boyfriends and i feel it shouldn’t be a priority right now.

  4. I hate the dating sites too, but I hate being single. Problem is, there’s no point dating anyone til I move back to Toronto. So, because of these dumbass sites, my datebook is full when I move back. (Prolly full of losers, knowing my man-luck.)

    I agree with Gage. See what kinda awesome responses you get with the extra info.

  5. I was on plenty of fish for 5 days, went on 3 dates from it, and it made me feel even WORSE about the dating scene. Same thing as you, super cute boys with ZERO chemistry (or ZERO PERSONALITY SO BORING FUCK).

    Update your profile with the shit in bold.

    I’m going on a date with a fucking hottie that found me on twitter. Watch for them on there, they are sneaky but exist.

  6. Hello Lauren!

    Very nice profile. I love it!
    Perhaps Meredith’s right! I’m in the park, but I’m not an idiot, just a little bit shy!

  7. cuz plenty of fish is a free website, you get a lot of messages from the riff-raff guys who are too cheap to pay for a dating website. i was on there for like a second until a realized how many douches were on there. but i suspect you’ll have more success on there than me. xxx

  8. ‘Oh i love movies and live music and live sports only if drinking is included’ -> that made me giggle. I agree with Meredith.

  9. that sometimes i don’t shower part was funny

    you know my internet dating success story and I feel like I owe you a hookup but I can’t think of anyone Toronto enough so I’ll tell you the same thing I told my sister: anything other than an NHL player is a total failure.

  10. Great post Raymi. Loved the “as long as drinking is involved” quote, as I’ve just downed a beer while surfing your blog! You seem to be about the best drinking buddy a boy could have!

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