three bags for charity ahhhh ps. steph, dad loved the lennon bag.
look what i coloured when i was a little shit kid with too much time on my loner hands i mean in-between macking dudes and takin’ names. i even added my own flowers to that one butterfly in the center cos apparently there just weren’t enough things to colour in/please me/hold my attention?
i have no idea why my camera orders my pictures like this i’m just goin’ with it alright as a gentle fine then fuck you.
i do not recall attaching that beauty and the beast chick but i imagine that i probably did, here have some flare nana maybe i will be an interior designer some day? they tried to give it back to me too wtf?
uh yeah then i went to go sit in the car back in toronto?
hi again still here.
i pretty much still write like this.
i forget the name of this thing but my nana wants to get rid of it (bothers her breathing?) my uncle bought it in a crazy and then left it at nana&papa’s v responsbile there guy. i say have it for lunch today or give it back to a pet store?
petey?
ok i think i know what to get you for mother’s day.
maybe a cd player too.
hi papa.
can’t wait til i’m boring and squirly enough to have seasonally-themed house embellishments. can’t you fil!?
nana is a lady, don’t you cross her. i like to get my digs in when i can though.
the painting by fil’s elbow is supposed to be of my nana reading to me when i was a kid (and had blond hair)(except i was a sloppy greasy tomboy turd) and the only granddaughter at the time. yesterday i was helpful in showing nana which possible colours would go nicely in the sitting/dining room i was very business, fil silently smirked, as did my mom. JEALOUS.
i remember when this collection spread like wildfire, everyone knew what to get for christmas and birthday presents.
see? retarded.
yep, i can see myself getting into this queeny-shit pretty easily. i even bought expensive old lady eye bag cream on my saturday shopper’s trip and i wore my hippie clog slippers out in public again yesterday. dudes colour me given up. (only i am allowed to say it though because fil tried it out on me it caused my mouth to open SO incredibly far and my gasp blasted out a window)
haha my ghetto snack creations. prosciutto-wrapped wheat goldfish, kinda pointless like salt on salt explosion. the garlic/rosemary croutons on the other hand, man, deadly.
our empties from the other day (hush it’s from the last month+) and i show you this because it’s a recessessessession right now and normally we just stack ‘em outside for the hobos but then i thought hey guy there’s at least 5 bones here we should start collecting on our bottle deposits. other obvious money-saving ideas can be found at screwyourecession.ca it’s virgin’s new thing-thang (they also have a twitter) sort of a helpful little web-pocket of articles highlighting shit one can do to save a few coins here and there.
hi friends lets rent singles and wear doc martens.
can you guess who i’ll be gifting this to?
i’ll miss this whimsical little set-up.
scored many a loot i did thank you steph. i have been purging my own wardrobe all morning long. feels great to finally FINALLY let go of some crappy shirt you’ve been holding on to forever just because you looked good in it once, or it looked good, you wore it on a special occasion etc. fil is sad i’m donating this one black shirt i wore on our first date to a shaw play, no wait i hung it back up even though it’s super dumpy on me. i wore it tucked in with a black tie, high chunky boot heels, and a studded belt he still has a sentimental boner for that outfit. he asked me to recreate it. yeah maybe next time i hang out with avril lavigne i will.
how did this get in here?
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
this was a fun grocery store outfit especially the static-cling and when fil pulled it up and stuffed the back into my shorts in front of a scowly old lady hahaha.
honey this steak needs more racist peppercorn sauce please.
ok round two clothes purge begins now. have a great day!
oh look here’s a nice email i received:
subject: gay
your blog is legit embarassing, no one cares what you do! no one gives a shit if you go out for a ten dollar dinner or go to a “cool” trendy bar because you just sit there with your loser friends ahhahahhaha you should never post another blog because this is an embaraasment hahahahahahahahhahahahahaha your softer than melting snow
welcome to whimsical cupcake magic pony art adorable land. my friend lise is a fierce collector of all sorts of goodies.
and that’s tania, she’s the enchanting artist behind those cute owl/squirrel creatures and mushrooms at magic pony that i have photographed 50leven times. as well as this and this and this. what an honour to stare at her for part of the afternoon.
we got to watch lise unpack all her little charms.
i remember this guy, he was in a case before.
cute cute everywhere everything cute. AND! she’s just moved right around the corner from us. pumped.
ORLY. ok sorry.
w/ jacket chair styled.
w/o.
mine now. tania banished it from lise’s premises. i’ve had my eye on it for years anyway so win-win.
she will love this one. why are so many toronto apartment bathrooms decked out with pink fixtures?
these are great. there’s a clear convexed plastic protrusion on each so the black silhouettes pop out.
lise made these pillows. hey are you still working on that quilt?
very nice to look at whilst conversatin’ and trying to wrap your head around it. lise’s friend made this as well as the other red piece in the kitchenette area.
cruisin’ for a snoozin’ after that peanut butter lick-a-thon. i was quite impressed by that purple toy. you can put anything you want in it for your little guy to go to town on, no mess either no way they want to miss even one drop.
golden sparkles on the elevators i will better capture next time.
time for whole foods. oh man, what a scene, ridiculous and alluring, irritating and passive. freaks, rich nobodies, cougs. awesome.
oh yeah and i’m winning! two weeks this sunday happy face sticker will have successfully survived the wrath of the oldies.
acquire the secret behind my signature sloppy high side ponytail.
it’s magic! you look amazing!
also, is it bad if i wear my alegria‘s out in public? does that mean i gave up on life? they’re not that ugly are they? (the very top right circle on that link is the colour i have i don’t think anyone will even notice)
how can multiple lyrics websites get it so disgustingly wrong, who do they have writing these things down? the deafest person ever? not only that but then all the other shitty sites copy and paste the same WRONG lyrics. then you find a site that has a slightly different version, also very wrong too. yeah thanks lyricsmania (etc) for killing my desire to share a stupid update on my blog about how i sucked up one of fil’s ties when i vacuumed the other day ugh. anyway. hi. yep it’s me.
i had a very interesting cab driver last week, actually, two in one day. the first one was not as eccentric as the second guy, the first one was more into complaining about wars of the world (yeah me too guy what downers those can be!) and he got me going a bit, we were on the way to my therapist appt, anyway, sometimes you feel like being ignored and ignoring back, sometimes you’re good for a chat.
eccentric guy asks me where i’m going he says oh to that university you go there you are acquiring knowledge? no i say i’m not a student but the learning process never ends they say to which he happily agrees then rips into this spiel about how he’s a prophet of cabology and do i know what that is? huh kabbalah? no CABology and what it means he says is prophet of buuuuullSHIT (he was very “on” with his pronunciations and overall emphases)(that’s a word i just looked it up) and i laugh along with him as he cackles like a maniac and say oh right yeah well i hear that kabbalah is also bullshit. yeah yeah he agrees. then he asks me if i’m aware of the five stages of humanity (it takes him a long time to land on the word humanity, he’s a little scattered, partially manic, borderline autistic?) and i say yes, no, maybe but please refresh me he says ok first there is KNOWLEDGE and that is you right now you are young and you are acquiring knowledge (thanks but i’m not as young as you think) and then that knowledge turns into WISDOM that is the second stage you have become older and wiser about things (more or less his wording i’m trying to memorize these bullet points cos i know it’s gonna be good) then your wisdom turns on you and you are at CONFUSION which is where i am at right now man i am fucked up losing my marbles i don’t know what is going on to which i say nah i disagree you seem pretty on top of things, sharp. meanwhile he’s sort of gunning the cab when he shouldn’t be and slowing when we should be cruising, funny. then he says the fourth stage is DISORIENTATION that’s when your confusion worsens (obvs. this guy says he was a professor i forget of what) and then you are brought to DEMENTIA that is when you die. i say oh great that’s basically what’s in store for me. then i ask for a pen so i can write this down.
i also write down these words (his) old bastard teeth falling out forgetting fare hahah oh right he said sometimes he lets people out without them paying cos he’s talking so much.
anyway we roll up to my building and he’s all oh this is a nice place it must take some good money to live here who lives here? i say mostly old white people then he says man if i were rich i would have three mistresses and he goes on to tell me about his brother or friend (at this point it is really hard to understand him he is just short of babbling, well fully was really) and how he has a mistress and how the son of the mistress told his mother don’t go with him cos he have no money. i try to cut him off several times cos i’m now creeped out and i’ve already paid yet i’m trapped there in a cloud of politeness so i say the economy is screwing over mistresses these days, men can’t afford the extra expense, all the mistresses are desperate. he is genuinely interested and ponders it for a beat which i use to my advantage to get out of the car (i’d had the door open for a good two minutes during his mistress oration) lean in wave goodbye while he blabbers on reminding me about the five stages of humanity yeah yeah i wrote it down don’t worry.
he had one of those huge old people mirrors so he was looking at me the whole ride instead of the road. he also said i was a very good looking, something.
anyway, there you go.
fil’s tie is still in the shopvac, i didn’t want dust fluff to fly out everywhere if i opened it so i’m saving that activity for him. he never wears this tie anyway.
i ordered lakeview terrace last nite and it’s really good, way tense, awkward, scary, frustrating. i recommend it.
yikes, these go back pretty far. when we got engaged i was thinking hmm ok it’s the honeymoon period again now i don’t feel like hating on anonymous losers’ fucked up life problems anymore no matter how ridiculous or necessary, the judgment kinda left me for awhile there. i continued saving the postsecrets anyway just in case. the honeymoon period isn’t over by any means, i just feel like, why the hell not i receive enough flack constantly yet for some reason i’m not allowed to judge back? no sorry, not goin’ soft over here for the likes of eh-neh-bu-dee. fuck off i’m sick, that’s one, and two i’m going to blow a fucking gasket today if i get one more stupid fucking comment. i’m exhausted by your shit and feeling like i need to censor myself all the time, events that take place, just for some pious coward to weigh in with their (not asked for) two cents and skewed perception of my life, what i say. get your own soap box. i told off some frat boys the other day for blasting music through our entire fucking condo (even with all the windows closed i could feel it vibrating my goddamn bones and brain) when i was trying to work wow look at how much of a psycho i am omgz i be craze!
alright, on with the show.
uh duh. leave him! he does not care about you at all, obvious reason one being well, using you for everquest personal gain and two, hello he chooses computer games over you. serve him papers now it is not going to get better, ever. ugh i can only imagine what these other men (sweaty smelly grabby nerds) looked like. barf.
aw that’s really adorable and heartbreaking. try not doing that the next one you spot (unfortunately, creepers are creepy) and maybe stealthily track her (albeit creepy as well) get her attention (cause a scene?) make eye contact, say something super funny and see how that works?
oh fuck her then. devout christians and selfish mothers will never not be intense, demanding, or bossy. whose life is it, yours or hers? seek out an encouraging replacement female and develop a strong bond with her instead.
eeeeeeugh. thank you for the quotations and triple-underline on loaded. we got the disgusting try-hard visual the first time. can’t wait to read all about this further at the darwin awards. oh look here’s a quote for you,
“Honoring those who improve the species…by accidentally removing themselves from it!”
oh puh-lease. so you didn’t receive enough attention from all the weight you lost you have to create some more melodrama? i highly doubt you wake up IN FEAR every fucking morning about being skinny. how needy are you? you know people have their own personal shit goin’ on constantly and sorry if they forget to properly honour your overweight person. i understand completely weight issues and the struggle it entails but come on, you successfully lost a ton of weight. enjoy it, stop dwelling and being angry at the world.
so you have the power to do this lady a solid and you’re not gonna?
for someone so obsessed with their thighs, one would think they’d at least know how to spell the fucking word. ps. yawn.
so you want to go back to dating a teenager then? get over it.
yeah i would too, not even being snarky here.
sobering eh, once you realize you’ve been blaming others for your personal failures or the world at large, expecting them to be responsible for your happiness. now pour yourself a tall glass of grow the fuck up.
ok you are self-aware enough of your obsessive compulsions now do something about it. you’re using these activities as a crutch and overall distraction from some larger problem you’re avoiding. like why neglected housewives obsessively scrapbook. come out of your cave.
now this is the imagination i like. all i ever mail are paintings and junk, i don’t think any of it would be useful to tom hanks. what are you mailing? and that scene when helen hunt runs after him as he’s backing out of the driveway in the rain OMGOD!
yeah like possibly stabbing you way to go boringest person ever. one day you will really regret sending that in you naive thoughtless dick. here are three different reactions to your stupid postcard:
Subject: Bus seat
I make a conscious effort to sit and stand next to the “creepiest” people in hopes that they will not feel like they are avoided. I hope acknowledging them as people with no differences brings a little dignity.
Subject: Re: Bus Seat
I’ve noticed for months now that people hardly sit next to me and when the bus fills up, I’m often the last person anyone will sit next to. Even though I don’t understand why, it has had a significant effect on my self-esteem (to the point where I’ve brought it up in therapy).
Sitting next to me is probably one of the kindest things a stranger could do.
Subject: bus secret – the negative
While getting on the bus today I almost laughed a little because now every morning I will think of this secret.
Today I sat in the back of the bus next to the one lonely person thinking about how I could possibly make their day. As soon as I sat down, they moved two seats over away from me. Some people just like sitting alone.
i hate him for that too. i wish you could go back to the flock of ignorant sheep from whence you came. oh well, at least you’ll be a headcase for life and grapple with it. idiot.
incredibly awesome, good for you. i am picturing a really tiny chick karate-chopping some bastard motherfucker who wronged her in the throat. BUT, if it doesn’t happen (doubt it will) you’re gonna have to learn to let go of that anger if you’re planning on getting a good nite’s sleep ever.
oh sad panda you are wasting your life and he is stringing you along cos he can’t work anyone else over (though probably secretly is) and if he’s serving a life sentence he must have done something truly awful, why support that? don’t throw your life away for a fuck-up.
um, ew? i see this relationship going places.
oh christ, does this one actually require a caption? no one cares what you feel, got that. you are living in ancient times you racist bitch. you don’t even have the balls to say if it’s a girl which i assume it is based on the photo of a white guy but don’t worry, she already knows and detects your resentment and one day soon this is going to blow up in your face, large. i want to read the postcard about that.
ok i am getting irritated now. what if your stupid bawling head causes a ten car pile-up then you get rear-ended and your experimental sobbing face fuses with your steering wheel?
or they do it anyway and he gets her pregnant how happy would you be then, lunaticpants? STOP HANGING OUT WITH YOUR EX FIND VALIDATION ELSEWHERE YOU’RE EXES FOR GOOD REASON MOVE ON.
that was unnecessary. do you realize how classy you are right now?
what is this stepford wife desperation bullshit? i doubt he even notices. take a relax pill while you’re at it.
this is cute.
hi welcome to the present, have we met? you used paper to write that postcard. burn. i want to make fun of you for more things right now but i am already bored of you. good luck on your smugness quest cos that’s what saving the planet and being white is all about, right? fuck you.
i have a feeling you are really attractive. case closed.
then BE one! JESUS.
HAHAHAHAHahHAHHAHAHahahaHhahaha A+ analyzation not needed.
you lost me at “natural” life you annoying hippie why did you have to go there on top of the stupidity what is this postcard? that’s like bringing sand to the beach, water to a pool, fire to a fire? ugh. if you are set on encapsulating your entire existence into a never-ending period of nostalgic mourning you’re screwed and you won’t be happy. good luck with that.
zzzzzzzzzzwhat? can you hear me now? your future wife is certainly in store for a good time.
only including this to highlight the pointlessness of your amazement over this kissing photo and their not even being engaged. you realize people don’t get engaged the day they meet right and that they’re most in love during the courting-phase of their relationship? that aside, adorable picture.
aw i would too. lesson learned? can you send a heavy over to his house, something?
WHY WHY WHY WHYWHWWHYWHWYY did she do this?
cool story hansel and what if it was sniffed out and traced back to your company? SMRT.
