it’s that time again friendsbians!

PS. THAT MUST BE SUCH A STRETCH FOR YOU. OMG GAY GAY BUT I’M NOT GAY HOW DO I DO IT I REALLY DO NOT KNOW BUT I DO, I REALLY DO, IT’S LIKE MAGIC I MUST BE A WIZARD OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT I MIGHT BE HERMIONE GRANGER IN THOSE HARRY POTTER BOOKS YEAH I AM TOTALLY HER BECAUSE LIKE I MAKE STORIES ABOUT LESBIANS EVEN THOUGH I LIKE GUYS MAYBE I SHOULD BUY A WAND ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS TWO LESBIANS LESBIANING ALL THE TIME AND THEY KISSED EACH OTHER UNDER THEIR TOPS A LOT AND ONE DAY ANOTHER LESBIAN NOTICED THEY WERE LESBIANS AND SAID “HEY I AM A LESBIAN TOO LETS ALL BE LES-BE FRIENDS TOGETHER FOREVER” THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IT IS A MYSTERY TO BE CONTINUED…

how do you think women deal with this situation? it’s called toilet paper wad, make one, use it to lower/raise the seat you disgusting fucking monkey!

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. lemme guess, you’re going to tell your kid about them one day too. you’re sick and stupid. “or to tell me they are OK” AND delusional.

how about feel grateful you got any thanks at all. you know how many taken for granted forgotten teachers there are? i can’t even remember the names of more than half of them. some people, the ability of grammar and punctuation, spelling, it’s just lost on them, and that’s that. it is beyond you.

OMFG LOOK OUT REBEL ON THE SCENE!

you’re scum. how is that even something to be proud of? a person went to the trouble of signing up for a service, lovingly selected films to watch, and you go and bung it all up for them. you’re a piece of shit.

cool story. cool parenting. cool life.

and the piece of shit award is now passed on to you. i am so incensed by this one i can’t even talk about it i just want to know where you live so i can punch your fucking lights out. have you any idea at all the suffering that goes along with bipolar disorder? you’re the sick one here.

i thinked you’re righted thered. see my point about spelling and grammar? anyway, i have zero attention span for close-minded people. BOOORING. next.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO START THEIR OWN BLOG CHRISTINA AGUILERA. not to be a psychic or anything but your next post secret will be I GET OFF WHEN I SEE MY POSTCARD ON POSTSECRET.COM followed by I LOVE THE ATTENTION RUSH I GET WHEN I SEE MY POSTCARD ON POSTSECRET.COM followed by FRANK WHY DIDN’T YOU SCAN IN MY POSTCARD LAST WEEK SOMETIMES I GET ANGRY AT YOU I DON’T KNOW WHY THOUGH LOL TTYL XOXO WINKY EMOTICON

it’s never too late to learn anything!

that’s because they drag it out over 4 hours of movie like come on already stop getting mislead and listening to stupid people and losing letters and being shy and barely making eye contact double speak tension holy fuck already will you omg they kissed YAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEAH!!!!!!! fap fap fap fap fap fap fap faaaaaap skeet skeet skeet skeet terlggusrhgosdvgdso;b! YES!

firstly, who is teaching sex-ed these days? why does more than half the population spell masturbation incorrectly? secondly, why isn’t anthony bourdain featured here, or ramsay, or jamie oliver? (NOT THAT I THINK ANY OF THOSE GUYS ARE HOT, FIL!) but why are you attracted to wieners and who are these wieners? aside from that glasses wiener, i am not familiar with any of these wieners and what’s with chicks being attracted to wieners? please explain. make a flow chart and use little words my brain is small because i am a woman.

and because you’re oh-such a desperately pretentious douchebag needing to remind everyone every chance you get that you finger banged a girl once because you are so fucking common and dull please don’t come to my party snoooooooooze. ps. she was faking it.

why play in to what the parents want right now and throw such a huge chunk of your life away? so stupid! have you got no other ideas for what to do with yourself? pathetic man. awesome, have kids too we know you will!

but they make everything so much safer.

this should be called passive aggressive secrets that are still secrets dot com. i do not “get” the mindset of one who takes their inability to make friends out on other people. you are the ultimate internet troll and you own one of those shirts that says I HATE EVERYONE EQUALLY or HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE. no guy, it’s you, not them.

and what oh so meaningful vocation do you do? how about don’t talk about them period you little dink, talk about your own boring shit, oh that’s right, NO ONE CARES.

you can practice on me i LOVE making fun of white dudes, it’s my specialty! especially if they live in the annex or work on bay street. don’t be afraid of those cliche power silences either, don’t play into their controlling bullshit, own it. know at base, men of all race are similar, they are all irritating in the same way. just pretend he’s your boring uncle.

how did he react? who cares, don’t make a thing of it. now send one of your anoos!

well are they spelling masturbation right at least? wow you believe in logic even though you believe in a fairytale afterlife! WEEEEEEEIRD doo doo doo doo (twilight zone voice) stop the world we have a real maverick on our hands over heeyah!

trophy pride houses are never a good scene. why are the driveways always empty and the family never home? no one enjoys them ever. such a waste of money. the things you own end up owning you. thanks fight club.

thank you for setting up this IRONY attack you clever motherfucker you. someone said beneath this postcard “One week I missed church when I stopped to help a hurt cyclist.” FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE MUCH.

awesome and…does she know? are you gay? do you roleplay? are you weird TMI swingers? ugh talking about sex is boring.

no girl, listen, god doesn’t shape shift. that irritating loser is just wasted and thinks they’re really interesting. like me. but, if you want to think i am god, then go ahead let me get my money basket. WHERE DO ALL THESE STUPID PEOPLE LIVE??? Sarnia?

EWWWWWWwwwwwwwwww. What the fuck is this daddy warbucks shit? why are you calling him daddy still? when you learn how to print you are TOO OLD to refer to your father as daddy. that’s fucked up on both ends i don’t care what anybody says about it. if a dude’s teenager/adult daughter is calling him daddy he’s an egomaniac freak and probably perverted. sick. when a word crosses over into roleplay sex fantasy territory it is no longer innocent especially when you’re old enough to know it.

someone wrote this in response “Every year I send a Father’s Day card to Budweiser Brewing Company.” uhh what? why? does your dad work there? is your dad a case of beer? is your dad a perpetual drunk and thanks to budweiser he is able to open up to you? too vague.

you’re welcome for all my hard work on this canadian holiday xoxo.

yikes, these go back pretty far. when we got engaged i was thinking hmm ok it’s the honeymoon period again now i don’t feel like hating on anonymous losers’ fucked up life problems anymore no matter how ridiculous or necessary, the judgment kinda left me for awhile there. i continued saving the postsecrets anyway just in case. the honeymoon period isn’t over by any means, i just feel like, why the hell not i receive enough flack constantly yet for some reason i’m not allowed to judge back? no sorry, not goin’ soft over here for the likes of eh-neh-bu-dee. fuck off i’m sick, that’s one, and two i’m going to blow a fucking gasket today if i get one more stupid fucking comment. i’m exhausted by your shit and feeling like i need to censor myself all the time, events that take place, just for some pious coward to weigh in with their (not asked for) two cents and skewed perception of my life, what i say. get your own soap box. i told off some frat boys the other day for blasting music through our entire fucking condo (even with all the windows closed i could feel it vibrating my goddamn bones and brain) when i was trying to work wow look at how much of a psycho i am omgz i be craze!

alright, on with the show.

uh duh. leave him! he does not care about you at all, obvious reason one being well, using you for everquest personal gain and two, hello he chooses computer games over you. serve him papers now it is not going to get better, ever. ugh i can only imagine what these other men (sweaty smelly grabby nerds) looked like. barf.

aw that’s really adorable and heartbreaking. try not doing that the next one you spot (unfortunately, creepers are creepy) and maybe stealthily track her (albeit creepy as well) get her attention (cause a scene?) make eye contact, say something super funny and see how that works?

oh fuck her then. devout christians and selfish mothers will never not be intense, demanding, or bossy. whose life is it, yours or hers? seek out an encouraging replacement female and develop a strong bond with her instead.

eeeeeeugh. thank you for the quotations and triple-underline on loaded. we got the disgusting try-hard visual the first time. can’t wait to read all about this further at the darwin awards. oh look here’s a quote for you,

“Honoring those who improve the species…by accidentally removing themselves from it!”

oh puh-lease. so you didn’t receive enough attention from all the weight you lost you have to create some more melodrama? i highly doubt you wake up IN FEAR every fucking morning about being skinny. how needy are you? you know people have their own personal shit goin’ on constantly and sorry if they forget to properly honour your overweight person. i understand completely weight issues and the struggle it entails but come on, you successfully lost a ton of weight. enjoy it, stop dwelling and being angry at the world.

so you have the power to do this lady a solid and you’re not gonna?

for someone so obsessed with their thighs, one would think they’d at least know how to spell the fucking word. ps. yawn.

so you want to go back to dating a teenager then? get over it.

yeah i would too, not even being snarky here.

sobering eh, once you realize you’ve been blaming others for your personal failures or the world at large, expecting them to be responsible for your happiness. now pour yourself a tall glass of grow the fuck up.

ok you are self-aware enough of your obsessive compulsions now do something about it. you’re using these activities as a crutch and overall distraction from some larger problem you’re avoiding. like why neglected housewives obsessively scrapbook. come out of your cave.

now this is the imagination i like. all i ever mail are paintings and junk, i don’t think any of it would be useful to tom hanks. what are you mailing? and that scene when helen hunt runs after him as he’s backing out of the driveway in the rain OMGOD!

yeah like possibly stabbing you way to go boringest person ever. one day you will really regret sending that in you naive thoughtless dick. here are three different reactions to your stupid postcard:

Subject: Bus seat

Today I sat in the back of the bus next to the one lonely person thinking about how I could possibly make their day. As soon as I sat down, they moved two seats over away from me. Some people just like sitting alone.

i hate him for that too. i wish you could go back to the flock of ignorant sheep from whence you came. oh well, at least you’ll be a headcase for life and grapple with it. idiot.

incredibly awesome, good for you. i am picturing a really tiny chick karate-chopping some bastard motherfucker who wronged her in the throat. BUT, if it doesn’t happen (doubt it will) you’re gonna have to learn to let go of that anger if you’re planning on getting a good nite’s sleep ever.

oh sad panda you are wasting your life and he is stringing you along cos he can’t work anyone else over (though probably secretly is) and if he’s serving a life sentence he must have done something truly awful, why support that? don’t throw your life away for a fuck-up.

um, ew? i see this relationship going places.

oh christ, does this one actually require a caption? no one cares what you feel, got that. you are living in ancient times you racist bitch. you don’t even have the balls to say if it’s a girl which i assume it is based on the photo of a white guy but don’t worry, she already knows and detects your resentment and one day soon this is going to blow up in your face, large. i want to read the postcard about that.

ok i am getting irritated now. what if your stupid bawling head causes a ten car pile-up then you get rear-ended and your experimental sobbing face fuses with your steering wheel?

or they do it anyway and he gets her pregnant how happy would you be then, lunaticpants? STOP HANGING OUT WITH YOUR EX FIND VALIDATION ELSEWHERE YOU’RE EXES FOR GOOD REASON MOVE ON.

that was unnecessary. do you realize how classy you are right now?

what is this stepford wife desperation bullshit? i doubt he even notices. take a relax pill while you’re at it.

this is cute.

hi welcome to the present, have we met? you used paper to write that postcard. burn. i want to make fun of you for more things right now but i am already bored of you. good luck on your smugness quest cos that’s what saving the planet and being white is all about, right? fuck you.

i have a feeling you are really attractive. case closed.

then BE one! JESUS.

HAHAHAHAHahHAHHAHAHahahaHhahaha A+ analyzation not needed.

you lost me at “natural” life you annoying hippie why did you have to go there on top of the stupidity what is this postcard? that’s like bringing sand to the beach, water to a pool, fire to a fire? ugh. if you are set on encapsulating your entire existence into a never-ending period of nostalgic mourning you’re screwed and you won’t be happy. good luck with that.

zzzzzzzzzzwhat? can you hear me now? your future wife is certainly in store for a good time.

only including this to highlight the pointlessness of your amazement over this kissing photo and their not even being engaged. you realize people don’t get engaged the day they meet right and that they’re most in love during the courting-phase of their relationship? that aside, adorable picture.

aw i would too. lesson learned? can you send a heavy over to his house, something?

WHY WHY WHY WHYWHWWHYWHWYY did she do this?

cool story hansel and what if it was sniffed out and traced back to your company? SMRT.

you know what i am positively RABID about? THE STUPIDITY I ENDURE EVERY TIME I LOAD POSTSECRET.COM THANKS TO NUGGETS SUCH AS THIS! have some more jonestown kool-aid you fucking lesbian NO ONE IS LOOKING AT YOUR RECYCLABLES in fact the only people who give a shit about what you have in your bin are homeless junkies looking for booze bottles to return for the deposit and teeny little asian women with shopping carts who make mint cos that’s all they do so. get. over. yourself. or build a tampon box fortress around your lonely barren uterus cos that’s what’s in store for you if you can’t get over natural body functions. do you hold in farts too?

fantastic and your family will never ever forget that and when you’re an old geezer they will not visit you on your death bed and you will have regrets and have one of those cliche moments when you tell your son i’m sorry i never told you i loved you and he will be emotionally unavailable to every woman he ever dates WAY TO GO DAD and as for your daughter well, she will eternally seek out older men (great visual for you when you’re working on that engine yeah?) and your wife is having emotional affairs on the internet. happy holidays.

did elisabeth hasselbeck send this one in? seriously, you are too stupid for words do you not get the rules? equality = good, non-equality = bad ok wait let me just quote your postcard, how convenient: PRO-HOMOSEXUALS ARE WONDERFUL, TOLERANT HUMAN BEINGS why thank you for the compliment so nice of you and ANTI-HOMOSEXUALS ARE EVIL AND IGNORANT. it’s not that everyone “thinks” this sorry, we know it. FACT. and we are tolerant of YOU so follow suit cos you’re a dying breed.

ugh how annoying is that thing you drew beneath the word don’t? that was my signature cool detail from grade 4 i reserved for title pages on shitty stories i wrote. anyway, yes what you said is par for the course, insecure chicks only feel good about themselves when someone more lecherous than them is in the room be it male or female and when a hot babe strolls on in it’s all daggers and scorn and judgment, at least you admitted to it albeit anonymously on a postcard, wimpy hag. guess what, the feeling’s mutual across the board, change or prep yourself for a solitary life where EVERYONE talks shit about you behind your back cos they cannot stand your smarmy bullshit. something also tells me you aren’t very attractive and that’s likely not your fault but you know what? it’s also no one else’s so stop taking it out on other people.

guess how loudly i just sighed do i even need to write something about this one? no? k good moving on.

check-outage? thanks 15 year old obsessed with the movie JUNO, thanks? i meant fuck off, get some life experience and jadedness then come back and write something meaningful.

the word MY kinda frightens me, you sound like a psycho, your minimalist sentence and the picture you chose, ugh tingles down my spine single white female much? FOCUS ON YOURSELF FATAL ATTRACTION!

ahem, how about being nice for the sake of being nice? how about being a hero for once and sticking up for people and not following the crowd? how about the guilt you will inevitably feel in the future if you’re currently self-aware enough to make a difference now? i wish i could go back in time and let people like you really have it in high school but i’m happy your fear tortures you at least. let me guess, you also believe in jesus JUST IN CASE. pansy.

oh shut up you arrogant pompous ass. so if you adopt a kid you’re not giving it your last name? yeah yeah coming out is tough bla blah wah wah just do it and spare me your harvard posing bullshit.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA my favourite. also, makes me sad cos men are so stubborn and stupidly proud when it comes to doctors and their health meanwhile everyone around them suffers for it. one reason feminists are better than you.

at the risk of offending every single person on facebook which i think is a HUGE factor in this race to wed phenom, um well, yeah. there are those who wed for the right reasons and then there is everyone else, like, every stupid person from your elementary school + facebook = wedding and why? facebook has granted these girls the spotlight they have always wanted and to stick it to the rest of us (who didn’t even care to begin with). i could beat this dead horse forever but i am already bored of this shit. here i will admit that i would like to be married one day and i do not want to be an “old bride” and that’s just silly, why do i not want to be an “old bride” oh BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK OF COURSE! i just want to be engaged really, for like ever, and that’s that. TICK TOCK FIL, TICK TOCK.

firstly, it’s “my boyfriend and i” and secondly did you know that dogs are kind of um, dumb? an old friend of mine said she had to close her dog out of the bedroom when she had sex because the dog thought she was being attacked, seriously, that’s what it looks like to a dog, they do not have the capacity to understand human nudity all it is to them is an activity (ex: the removal of clothing), you are doing something new AND they watch it SO DON’T FLATTER YOURSELF. ps. it’s a dog A DOG you fucking idiot! do you feel flattered by this?! AHHAHA. here look what i found on the internet for you:

BYE!

+++

*REMINDER* FIL‘S BIRTHDAY PARTY IS TONITE AT HARMONY LOUNGE AND YES IT’S A BLIZZARD JUST LIKE LAST YEAR SIGH SIGH OH WELL WE HAVE THE WHOLE PLACE AND THIS DJ IS GOOD AND IT’S FREE TO GET IN DOORS ARE AT 8PM WE SHOULD BE THERE FOR 9 OR SO 589 COLLEGE STREET BASICALLY BESIDE STRANGELOVE. COME CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF THE GUY YOU TOLERATE ME FOR! dinner plans are scrapped so it’s just drinks, simple dimple!