polish cabbie meets broszkowski

polish cabbie from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

Matthew: did i tell you what guy was telling me in the cab in polish?

me: no what was he saying
i have some video of it

Matthew: hahahaha he was trying to give me picking up tips to get with you and sass hahahaha


Matthew: he was like you have to romance the ladies in the back if you want to get anywhere with them
you should go buy them flowers

me: yeah you SHOULD buy me flowers

Matthew: remember the man always has to pay

me: he was awesome
i liked his jogging suit outfit

Matthew: he was old time polish jerk off. people like him are the basis of 90% of me and my brother’s jokes to each other

me: i have 1.20 of video watching now
i could tell he was being pervy

Matthew: no, he wasn’t being pervy really
it was just like this mentality of polaks that younger people need advice from their elders

me: how savvy of him to assume that the other tall guy in the backseat (phil) would obvs not be one of our boyfriends

Matthew: i think he didn’t notice phil

me: HAHAHHAHA how can you not notice 6 feet and 4 inches

Matthew: well he was saying you’ve got all girls in the back with you at one point

me: omg now hes talking about sex mission

Matthew: he was probably blinded by your beauty

me: probably
he was looking at me in the mirror too
was he drunk

Matthew: maybe he couldn’t see phil in the rear view
naw, he wasn’t drunk

me: um fil was kitty corner to his right shoulder, impossible to miss
what else did he say

Matthew: he was saying that i have to be a gentleman
just shit like that
as soon as i started talking polish with him he just gets into it
oh he was saying i should teach you guys polish

me: yeah he also talks about the second world war
what possible use could i have for speaking polish

Matthew: i said i was teaching you how to swear and he disapproved

me: aw
fil said shmata before i could
he stole my thunder
as usual

Matthew: haha
then we started talking about polish tv and movies

me: yeah way to alienate us you pricks

Matthew: and he mentioned that movie sex mission hahaha
i’m totally gonna fiind it

me: im uploading the video to vimeo now
i knew he was polish before anyone else did
i saw you testing him

Matthew: i actually heard about it before, it’s supposedly hilarious

me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexmission

Matthew: yeah i had a suspicion too, i thought polish or czech

me: http://cache.gawker.com/assets/video/stills/s/sexmission_io9.flv.jpg
i knew right away i have a sixth sense for polaks
that is the only 6th sense i have
so useless

Matthew: it’s probably just the smell of cabbage hahaha
i’m searching torrents now to see if i can find it

me: is it a terrible movie but good terrible

Matthew: no it’s supposedly good, like not funny because it’s so bad but really funny
my mom’s friend came with her daughter from poland a few years ago and she was telling me about it too she’s like i know it sounds retarded but it’s actually really good

me: i found a picture of a hot polish chick

Matthew: she said it was one of the funniest movies she’s ever seen and she’s totally cool so i trust her word
fuck i can’t find a torrent

me: are you going to tell your brother about the cabbie

Matthew: fuck yeah

me: let me know how he reacts

Matthew: hmmm i’m wondering if i should shell out the money for it
check out the reviews

mornin’ gents

i got my single ladies moment.

look what’s in my back pocket.

my idea.

some drunk vancouver chick thinks i look like natalie portman in this one. i thought i looked native here actually. i seriously do not see the portman. thanks tho.

hmm now upon closer inspection i guess she is totally right. hahaha.

just a samplin’ of nat’s bday jam what we all got slamboned at, ugh. fun groovy times indeed. fil and matt must have a ton of goodie shots you won’t see for weeks, me i danced pretty much four hours straight. lotsa stink-eye was received from friends of friends of friends as in i have more right to be here than you so stop stankin’ up the place with that dirty look on your face and clear the dance floor if you ain’t gwan be dancin’ fuckatash!

and so it begins.

oh sass. actually nat’s little louise looks very similar to sass, same outfit too pretty much. i was like this is my louise and that’s your sass. was it funny at the time? i dunno. i remember nat pointed out some bulge to me and i almost repeated it out loud on the spot oh man whiskey tongue will stab you in the back don’t trust it.

curtis is my new friend, he came to dance with the figure skater outfit girl (such a good outfit idea!) and make me look stupid in pictures. matt i want those two shots pronto.

a very solid idea.

trust me the moves were way cooler in real life.

ugh is that me swaying? well at least it’s better than when i think i can break dance in boots and i end up doing a square dance on speed over and over again. smart move.

oh and i even told my chandelier joke to jeanette, and it’s a knock knock joke now.

i am evolving.

oh yes and at the tail end there i intelligently had one teeny drag of a lung rocket and almost barfed on the spot. so now i know fil says. that’s right.

he is also far worse off than i am today cos he mixed red wine whiskey beer jager etc i told him to stop but he wouldn’t and now it’s almost one and he is finally getting up. i’ve been awake since ten. he spilled red wine on my pants too and the floor then pointed to his shirt and this teeny splotch he got on himself like it’s ok i ruined your pants because i spilled on me too. ugh no tard i am not the one who spilled shit on myself thanks for making me look like a slob along with you.

it was super duper fun and fil actually danced with me. sorry you missed it. i am pretty sore and i pulled my left hip (OLD!) a few days ago taking pictures of myself in the stevie dress. winner. guys i’m going to be 26 at the end of march. sssssssssssssssigh.

the rest of fil’s pix can be found here.

aww man this post came up in my stats and it makes me weepy cos 1. i had smokin’ bangs then 2. it was the last warm day before chilly fall hit town and 3. we still haven’t gone tobbogganing in lowville park yet.

what a lovely day that was.

one obvs. burger with a side of duh please

oh god i LOVE this story so much!

Goat detained over armed robbery

LAGOS (Reuters) – Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

“The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,” Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.

“We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,” he said.

Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Africa’s most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.



yes, from the same people who brought you “raping virgins cures AIDS” ahh sigh.

ps. stop emailing my nana, she doesn’t have any money for you.

oh what a nice surprise!

postsecret came early this weekend you guys…

you are really funny and i like you and i bet you have good bar stories A+.

hey guy, nobody likes a drop-in, do yourself (and her!) a favour and call ahead first. trust me on this, you’re a teeny bit scary.

clichéééééééé! oh my little cougy horn-dog, this is why we marry for love not wealth, come on now.

and those secrets would be what? where are they? and why do stupid ones like these make it to the internet? thanks for wasting my time, seriously. do we all have magic eight balls here or something? look, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, spit-it-the-fuck-out or don’t even bother. based on your purple marker and the tourist postcard you purchased on that trip your parents forced you to come with, your secrets suck anyway. next.

WAIT WHAT!? are you a detective? ok i am fingering the dark here (ew) and gathering you’re amidst a divorce and your wife and/or husband (vise versa whatever) is compiling shit against you, one of you blew it and now you’re screwed. this is why you don’t talk it out in people’s cars haven’t you seen 20/20? GOD!

aw pookie, assuming these people are your stupid relatives at thanksgiving/xmas/hanukkah whatever, don’t talk to them, they are phantoms in your life you cannot and will not ever be able to rely on so just ignore them completely, they will never take the time to get to know you personally and honestly do not give a fuck about you. let your mom deal with them. as for senior year, find a couple burn-outs and just couch surf with ‘em til it’s over.

hey can i play too! kidding. um i guess this is a “healthy” midlife crisis thing to engage in, at least you’re not banging 20 year olds and buying dinky little sports cars and wearing scarfs. phewf.

ok so, i had this big burn prepared that the foundation of was centered around how what the FUCK is an epidemiologist? but then i looked it up yeah yeah i get it but great another boring cliché. what do we learn from this? that we can’t really trust anybody’s bullshit ever? wow that’s comforting, thank you mister epidemiologist (stupidest word ever) for sharing your harsh burden (no really i mean it) you’re like the shrink who pops pills and has a nervous breakdown, or the vegetarian who collects taxidermied animals for their funky apartment. point being, get out of my face liar. congratulations on quitting though, do you want a medal? i quit a year and a half ago you don’t see me bragging my life off about it now do you?

OH PUH-LEASE! do you know how many people say this you pile of bullshit posing waste of ridiculous space? spare me. we both know you barely ever had a habit and even when you did you were a fat fuck anyway, i could eat five slices of pizza after a few rails, and infinity beers, does that sound like a feasible diet plan to you? in summation, stop embarrassing yourself at your stupid hipster parties by repeating this line (ha pun) because no one is buying it and you are only highlighting the fact that you have weight insecurities as well as acceptance desperation and people are tired of hearing it. no amount of complaining about losing weight will make you lose it it just makes you annoying. it took awhile for the light bulb to go off in my head about that one. ps. coke is a joke! repeat that one kids.

pssst, you have yellow fever. stop thinking creepy thoughts about your co-worker before you end up fired. buy some asian porn and shut up already.

oh look another drama queen, how exciting! no, you became a junky because you couldn’t find anything else to do with your mundane existence and you figured it would only be a temporary thing but now it has ballooned into an intervention-like proportion which gets you off cos you’re an attention-seeking whore and you always have been it’s always been about you. YOU’RE KILLING YOUR MOTHER YOU BITCH WISE UP EVERYONE IS SICK OF YOU AND YOUR MANIPULATIVE ME ME ME SHIT you are a drain, one huge vacuous selfish self-indulgent asshole and you’re not sorry. get over yourself heroin chic, now before it isn’t cute any longer and you look like amy winehouse and if you’re so fucking smart and enlightened why didn’t you have the forethought to know heroin was a big one to mess around with? look at you now genius. stop using your addiction to get attention you fucking suck.

good, keep it that way. chicks get burned on that one all the time. your husband probably has a secret account too, such is life. man, isn’t humanity fucking great?

can someone please tell me what the hell this person is selling cos i just wasted ten minutes scrutinizing those boxes and i got nothing.

FINALLY a smart person i am giving you a standing-O right now. this is like how some dudes read chick magazines cos HELLO all the answers are right there, it’s like a map to our brain and heart AND IT COMES OUT EVERY MONTH IN VARIOUS PERSONALLY-SUITED STYLES FOR $3.95 YOU STUPID MORONS GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY FUCK! hurry up before the mag business dies out once and for all.

aw, i’ve never ever heard that one before. you truly are the definition of unique and the total embodiment of a surefire trail blazer there, sally. colour me on the edge of my seat!

ok you just solved your own problem here person but let me guess, you’re still reading these stupid things anyway aren’t you? ugh snooooooooooze PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND LIVE YOUR LIFE you have one chance only stop screwing around!

CONGRATULATIONS THE MOST WINNINGEST WINNER YET! the cheese truly does stand alone in the end don’t it, farmer? that’s it, snap out of it loner, i haven’t any words left here people there’s only so much i can help. i feel like neo in the matrix (sequel?) when that chick gets shot and he gives her his health to remove the bullet but then it drains him to near death, that’s how a postsecret slaying leaves me, i have to go take some vitamins now or i will perish.


raymi’s mailbag

full house is gonna have to wait.

i should have checked the mail at normal mail hours this totally would have changed the course of today’s mood 1. i got a nice package from my little uk friend kirsty 2. i got a fairly decent and unexpected tax return cheque (i filed late cos i am a winner like that)(and thanks to christmas and my rogers bill (don’t ask) this month, the extra monies are certainly appreciated) so anyway here are photos of my nice little pick-me-up:


(Finnish. they always shout those swearwords together when in a massive rage)

it’s cut off a bit but she is referencing the magic tree blog post i did when i lived in maine in early 2002, “the most magical thing that has ever happened to me.” i’ll retrieve that link shortly. WOAH! its own geocities page and everything look how professional i thought i was being hahahhaha.

good thing she mentioned this in the note i might have missed it. ahh mail. ahhhhhhhhhh. thank you. ok i have to finish reading these now. ha ha finn-ish.

oh bonus here’s some dodgeball pics of yours truly looking useless and retarded, enjoy.

infamous claw hand.

claw again wtf.

nervous tongue jut.

here i am probably ‘roiding out over hitting someone and them pretending it didn’t happen.

important and fascinating update

my stevie dress is hard to capture in photographs so here is a video of me swishing it around. i make a dumb face in it too wait my face always look that way what am i saying. don’t worry full house post is comin’ up next hosers. happy friday i am in a funk mood and i don’t mean dancing.

stevie dress from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

this is probably the most graceful thing you will ever watch.