I’ll show you break the internet

HI!

Today is the day I talk about drying out, for drying out loud!

YELLING!

Brain. Activities… coming backehhhhh….zombie drool.

Anyway. I stopped drinking 9 days ago, as in today is the ninth day if I make it through night without having a drink. Alcoholics tell little lies to themselves all the time and hey man if it makes this any easier on me then I’ll take it. Day nine feeling fine. Sunglasses emoji fine.

Speaking of geniuses, I gave this girl at Fortino’s my genius speech about grapefruits. Kids just don’t listen these days. I could see I was less interesting than paint drying to her as I continued to finish my three bits of knowledge about the power of grapefruits. I felt really old. She had no attention span! Then I made her hold the donut glass up for me while I took this picture which made her even more confused.

(geniuses drink grapefruit btw if you wanted to know and because why, you can ask me in the vomments).

I have been eating a lot (too much) candy and having just the right amount of bonin’ to counteract this sudden drop in boozahol. My metabolism is back with aveangance which equals no more stomach bloat or constant fear of constipation as well as constipation itself which means no “Im so fat” girl depression and less depression in general because alcohol is a depressant, duh.

Another bonus is eating all the things I previously restricted. Like candy. Which I never craved before this. Also breads and carbs, I’m all mellowed out about those guys now.

I’m all leaning out as a result. I am in less fear of my health now however, I doubt I will ever stop being a hypochondriac there is always something to worry about, such is life.

Alcohol doesn’t at all mask problems or make them go away or help you cope with them it just shields yourself temporarily and then when disaster strikes the booze just actually makes everything worse. I feel less afraid of life now which is funny because I thought alcohol would protect me from the life I am so afraid of. I didn’t ever want to tell you guys any of this.

Every bad decision I ever made was because of drinking and don’t get me wrong I will always be a party girl, be about the good times and romanticize the murky, seductive dark side like how all writers got to drink but writers gotta write and I can’t mix the two anymore because the right side wasn’t winning.

Anyway I have to wrap this up meow more later thanks for being friendly.

how to be an internet superstar

HERE’S MY STAND-UP SET PT. II. WARNING. LIKELY VERY GRAPHIC VIOLENT OFFENSIVE AND DIRTY. READ AT OWN RISK IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT IF YOU GET PISSED. IF YOU MISSED PT I IT’S RIGHT HERE.

Do you guys wanna hear about my date with Jian Ghomeshi?

How do you like this joke I came up with? Babe? Are you Bill Cosbying my mouth right now?

Grounds for killing your friend. When you’re like am I seeing you later? And they’re like, what’s later?

One time I gave all these empties to our regular collector of them and so now he comes often cos of the treasure trove of bottles he got out of it like it’s his secret treasure pot of stoli bottles. Today i saw him and he got spooked before checking the dumpsters. I felt bad. Also cos I was drinking a screwdriver at the time we made eye contact, bringing it to my lips. I felt like a pompous asshole to the degree of bad karma will one day get to me and he will be staring me down from a fancy martini glass which is why I gave him all those empties that one time, for good karma points. There but for the grace of god go I. You can be out on your ass just like that, you could lose it all. I know a lot of superstitious people who give change to bums for this very reason. They have a life of petty theft behind them and being jerks in general so it’s like good fortune to give some quarters to that samurai wizard on college street. Or the glue sniffing hipster.

I don’t know why but every time a famous celebrity OD’s Im always in the middle of a bender and like AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Btw one of the other celebrities I booked for tonight was MYSELF. Yeah. MTV replays my shit all the time. weirdos

So the last time I had an anniversary party was 5 years ago for my 10 year milestoner.

Bill murray fans? U know in life aquatic when he tells the old man to just plagiarize the rest of his signatures on the zissou movie posters? Yeah im like that just copy my signature on a book you bought from me and say that i said you could do that. I gave you permission to sign my name so when i die you can say raymi the minx let you forge her signature and therefore the item is even more valuable. The other day on a blog post of mine a guy asked if i was selling prints, which was ludicrous to me cos you can just print that shit out on your own. Like, add yourself to my flickr friends list but get in my face about it so I know that u did cos i have blinders for that platform as in I have 1000000 unread messages from perverts and threesomes, shame really i just don’t have the time anymore for dick pics but anyway then u have access to the full size of my pics. Print it out yourself! I aint got time for that. How much money do I stand to even make? 2 dollars? For all that work. IF I am about to go and make a print for you I am pricing it at $1000 just because you made me angry and like, do something.

Its sad when ex boyfriends twitter accounts go private, how am i going to snicker at their dismal pathetic dating lives now? Or read in between the lines of subtweets and interpret silences as the sad pathetic benders that they are most definitely on. Lame.

All i did to write this comedy material today was barf this all into a word document instead of tweeting every single thought i normally have. It was simple. If i just did stand up everyday instead of touched the internet I would be so much for successful. The internet is the tool of the lazy, the housewife, kids on tumblr.

So this dope im seeing isn’t a misser, he doesn’t miss me when we are apart. He doesn’t blurt out “I miss you”. Now thats a problem. For someone like me. That is a spectacular problem. Im like bro, you know how many people miss me? LOTS. EVERYONE MISSES ME.

I also lost it on him the other day for telling one of my jokes and not sourcing me on it. Unbelievable. Social injustice!

So I would have prepared more material but i had a bite or two of this edible, this chocolate weed coin the other day and then I was like woaaaaaaaaaah mystical internet adventure time. Probably what james franco and seth rogan do every day. Yes unicorns were there. Someone probably said right meow.

Sometimes I get high because I think it will make me funnier or i justify it being to stimulate my mind and creativity but mostly its for shutting out the world and yeah for the most part id say it pays off and makes me funnier though id say im at my most funniest when im hungover riding on drunk-still fumes and I was only ever consistently like that likely during my glory blogging days and looking back I have not a fucking clue as to how I was able to function let alone write a blog. It’s a beeracle. AND I didn’t even smoke weed during that period too! Funny how the best blog writing I ever did was when I wasn’t smoking pot. Interesting. Now it’s probably like only because it’s the only way I know how to function anymore because everything in the world sucks and I can’t handle reality and everything bores me I have acute super fucking boredom syndrome have you heard of it? It is also applicable to people you fuck, which is probably why I always seek out fruit loops and made dating a sport. I watched my last stand-up set and was blown away by the stories I told last November and not a ONE of them was relevant or applicable to today. Im not dating a dutch guy or living in Holland or working for an advertising agency anymore. The only constant is my snoop bloggy blog. But thats cool. Someone here will give me a hundred bucks for a shoelace I bet im like john holmes on the come down haah.

Speaking of dating I went on the craziest date a couple months back and it’s gonna end up on tv. They’re gonna cast a lookalike Raymi. #fame #raymous

Want to hear a period joke. Hey I’m PMessy.

Wow, there’s rage like no other than trying to get a closet door back on its track. I was going to take a selfie and noticed my closet behind me was open a crack and was like, cant have that this is a room selfie and already pathetic enough as is so I had better tidy up this shit hole so then I go to slide close the door and the thing just comes off the track in my hands and I was like great now I’m going to have to call my dad to put this on but he’s kind of pissed at me right now so it will be this entirely awkward bitchy ordeal just to get this door back on I may as well force myself to learn how to do this right fucking now! Because jared is coming over and he wont know what to do about this door and so my closet became a metaphor for my life like am I going to make it in life if I cant get this door back on its track? Well, I did get it on but it wasn’t pretty and then the whole selfie moment was totally fucking over and I looked like shit in each picture because my hair wouldn’t fall naturally the way it was before I went to fix the goddamn door. That is the end of that story.

Hey do you want to hear a joke? (tell dry cleaning pants shitting joke).

So people are pretty mean to me. They are, truly. And its cool u know cos whatever you do youre gonna be you and do you but when people are always mean to you about you like you should change the awesome it kind of makes you feel like shit so you feel like shit all the time. But you don’t change and you wont because you know why they hate you in the arrogant way they hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Cos they jealous.

So I did this talk to OCAD the other day. See how smug and douchey each sentence begins in comedy, so I uh, did this thing eh. I did this thing. I went to this thing. So I uh. Yeah, did this ultra thingy-thing. So yeah. Anyway I spoke about blogging I cant even really remember what I said but I know I looked good cos I watched myself on webcam the entire time and was too wrapped up in looking like kim kardashian to make practical sense and what was I even talking about anyway, blogging? Im like talking about unicorns and fairy dust and giving tips without giving away the method to my magic.

(segue) Oh you server not found!

Make fun of the comedians at the central for Tuesday night comics. Finally I am making fun of u on this stage…

Do you guys wanna talk about the math about my alleged fifteen years in blogging? Its too late everybodys here, who cares. Lol

You guys are the special mystery surprise guests cos I didn’t think anyone would come haha surprise!

No kidding wow thats awesome you guys are here I didn’t think anybody would come thats wild thanks.

I was only suppose to say that joke in the event of no one being here.

Tinder

Date sites

So my whole look good now die later thing has caught up to me because later is now. For the last 3 months ive been in crazy pain that is decidedly something awful that I have done to myself so stay tuned and feel good about being here tonight because I will probably be dead soon.

I went for an ultrasound and as the nurse was dildoing me with that wand she asked me what I did and as I was telling her about all this stuff about myself and it was so casual. TOO casual. I had my arms back, I was lounging on a pillow, lubed up, being transvaginally probed and I thought this is so weird. But, so right? Like I am totally the one for this kind of scenario. I am like a transvaginal ultrasound technician’s wet dream cos I was like so chill. Pretty much exactly the egg from the humpty dumpty’s logo, that fucking chill. How lucky for her!!!!!! Then she told me some really private stuff about herself and her family and like, fully opened up to me too. God it was precious. She also said she didn’t see anything wrong with me inside there and i haven’t heard back anything from my doctor yet no alarm bells but you heard it here first I am dying. Give me all your love and money now before it is too late.

Thanks for being here,

your pal forever Raymi.

My standup set

Because you guys have been so Raymazing I have decided to just post my entire 6 pages of notes from that 15 Year Raymiversary party, half of which I read that night and half of which I did not. I’ll intersplice (is that a word?) it with miscellaneous pictures throughout this post. Now, I’m not saying I tanked exactly… Jared just said I was most funny when I threw these notes away, but I needed them because I wasn’t prepared I was too focused on everything else which I’ll talk about another time which yes involves some minor drama. When you do public anything, you just do it and be afraid later. That’s what Dave Love and I talked about last night at our gig, oh, you weren’t there? Bugger. We have a drummer now and his name is Dave Love, which I just mentioned. He plays bongos and a radical box drum kit something to our cover songs we heart him. AND We are playing next on NYE at an epic house party that I am also celebrity bartending at. A lot of famous bands will be there. It’s the 10 Year Anniversary of 159 Manning. EPIC. More deets HERE clicky clicky! I bartended a 159 Manning Party 2 years ago and lemme tell you, best night of my life in terms of New Year’s Eve. Aside from maybe last year when I got hit by a firework in The Netherlands for NYE. Don’t ever say I’m not gangster. The point is I know it will be good times and I don’t even care if you listen to me because everyone else is already going cos Tim can sure throw a party.

Enough about that and onward with the Raymisms. You might actually be offended by some of this. Good!

Most people think I’m crazy because they don’t get me but most people are stupid so how is that my problem?

God I love singing just stick with me and we’ll all get through the next 3 hours alright sweet.

Did you guys notice the RTM drag queen walking around? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do shake my own hand, or kiss myself? Make sure you get a picture whatever it is.

(Wear papas watch, make joke about it being his vacation watch)

So I learned this disgusting thing the other day about you guys. About something gross that men do when they’re pissing. You know those pooh signatures on the toilet, they pee AT them to disintegrate them instead of flushing them away or wiping them. I guess it’s resourceful if you really consider it. But don’t worry I do lots of gross shit too. To the extent of seeking out other people to do gross shit with, like, if we aren’t farting to the point of shitting our pants together then this isn’t gonna work.

I like how when you get in a relationship you like immediately gain 10lbs wtf is that??? Why does happy = fat? Fat does not equal happy in my equations not to be a mathlete or anything here because when I’m alone I’m depressed and running like a lonely depressed maniac I think you just stop running and then it becomes a Canadian winter and you hibernate together then in the spring It’s like PEACE then you run again, alone, BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! Then you find one again and repeat the wicked fucking cycle and one day you wake up 40 and wonder what the fuck you have done.

Dont put on Hawaiian tropic oil BEFORE breaking up weed for a joint and sit in a window breeze. Ever! Shit gets all over you!

It’s nice to just hang out with your friends sometimes so you don’t have to shave your pussy.

(Read your text messages with dave about being magical beings of light and inspiration)

Everyone knows I’m hot now so deal with it kablam!

When you’re a famous blogger sometimes you have to realise that when strangers or fans are talking to you they think they’re talking to a superhero so you gotta fucking be one or be consistent with the online shit they think that you are. They get this little twinkle in their eye and then I’m like OK BE RAYMI THE MINX RIGHT NOW. (elaborate/ramble on this)

I used to work here and clem said if I was still working here in a year’s time I would fail in life. So ah yeah can I have my job back Clem.

So yeah hi I’m a blogger, Ive been blogging for 15 years. For fifteen years I have been talking about myself like I am all that and a bag of chips and sometimes I try to look attractive while doing it. I play the game. It’s a lot of work being this self involved I fucking mean it. I hate myself just as much as you do don’t worry. Sometimes I am like boy I wish my blog topic was apples and the weather and I was really good at being the number one weather blog about apples, like, fucking awesome shit right. Animated gifs of lightning bolts. What I mean is when you have those periods of self-loathing but you have to shine on cos you made a blog all about YOU! OMG SO MUCH YOUNESS! Much wow. If you have a lifestyle blog about yourself then you will understand what I am talking about. You don’t need to be a blogger to be a narcissist though, there are many people in other industries who are actually more about themselves than a blogger or just as much, they just happen to be successful professional adults with careers and their lives in order and more money to spend on themselves that they love so much. Meanwhile I convince brands somehow that people suck my dick, I have hip influence more than others so give me free shit yo. Maybe I just know how to wear a sweater, like so, effortlessly casual and I make winter slob outfits look amaaaaazeballs. I don’t know people, why do we do the things we do and why does it influence people? Do I ever feel influenced? No I am probably too arrogant to admit it. I would probably take credit for my own birth.

Anyway, it’s funny getting in self-important fights just to defend taking selfies to people, fights they initiate and you can see coming a mile down the road. They happen all over the place. With boyfriends. And I’m at this point in my life where I’m a 31 year old in control of her own self chick so I defend it instead of what I used to do which is to be smug and just downplay it, now I’m like IT’S COS THIS IS WHAT I DO! I blog! Wah. And I can hear it in my voice how absurd it sounds but it’s true sistahs you got to own thy shit!

It always ends badly with the internet and dudes though cos they get snarky about all of this bloggy world whereas I grow increasingly more defiant and protective about it because it’s my baby I am my own baby, baby, and if you can’t accept that then we got an issue here. THAT! Is why I say fuck people. I choose internet. I wrote this material prior to a fight my new beau and I had about this very same topic cos I felt it coming on and as writers, as comics, you write about your life so this is my life. I wrote about it. I remember looking at him and saying I am not going to change for anybody. Oh yeah I won that war. You’re not coming between me and my blog. I didn’t say that to him I said it to you in my stand-up notes but just shush and listen to my soap opera will you. Then I went on a tangent about spending too many years catering to the whims of giant fucking assholes not taking my picture in the fancy whatever restaurant we went to and both dressed up for I just outright despise someone who takes a disagreeable stand for no reason other than to just take a stand, and be wrong. Capital fuck you. No not every moment needs to be captured but if thats what I wanna do and it’s what I have done for 15 years then lordy I am gonna do it. Everyone gets set in their ways over the years. This now MY time.

Also in the middle of us dating after the first two week fuckathon romance dwindled cos I had some health issues that killed my fuckdrive, and we needed a little space like a one day break or whatever and I felt fat from date weight I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I was already going home anyway but I thought you think you might have won this battle but I will win this war! So I walked over at him naked as a, naked bird, and did that tip-toe standy thing that makes you look like the naked silhouette of a statue and has ALWAYS been my move and so he lunged me and I won. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Sex IS about winning! And once you start having sex again you’s gots to have it ALL the time or the semen is the demon within you. Ew yes lol.

There’s a LOT more actually but I’m gonna cut it in half. Ran out of time. Hope you enjoyed the TMI. When you write down the material it’s wicked NSFW right? I’ll save my Bill Cosby joke for next post.

will update soon!

Sorry I lazy guy.

I haven’t had a drink in three days, so far so good. Not hallucinating or anything yet I will for sure let you know though. I had a killer hangover the other day and I haven’t had a hangover in ages (a Raymover) so I decided to take advantage of the booze turn-off like how when you get sick you don’t crave cigarattes so you should always quit smoking whenever you get sick. I’m waiting for the cold turkey shakes or whatever to happen to me, sweats, we will see. I keep picturing strawberry daquiris floating around in my mind.

I’ll fill you in on all my ever (self) important life gossip real soon kay. I know I keep saying that. Just too busy and then when I’m not, I don’t feel like it.

I have to go marinate some chicken with blackening spices for a salad now. Fungry. Always fungry. Then I will read my trashy magazine, play video games and stare at my phone. Does anyone give a shit about Christmas this year? I don’t. Christmas = cold. Not Christmas = warmer. I am a simple woman. Have a nice one!

run for your life

Glad I got’er done yesterday cos as the entire universe knows it’s all gone to wintery shit today.


These lights have been up for awhile now and it has been irking me daily to get down there and take advantage before I see anyone else on the internet beat me to it. I was alone so no one took photos of me but I will go back with some lucky wiener to take my pic with everythang before the place is crawling with out of school kiddies.

Yay I finally made it to Paris. You’ve seen this already if you’re my FB bro. Aren’t I adorkable. Do you like how phlegmy my voice sounds? Running before singing is a real bonehead move. Speaking of, practising again today so check ya later.

to rant is to blog

Hi douches! So after any Raymazing event I typically “go dark” for a little bit or try to but it’s hard when everyone messages you about it and like NEED to know what they missed out on shut up fuckhole I don’t feel like speaking right now I’m hungover and maybe you should have went? No hate really but like wait at least two days before talking to me after I do something. I need ample down time to reflect on all the giant mistakes I made, hyper-over analyze every conversation I had that night with everybody and try to remember all the “too far things” I said and did, cry, genuflect on who might be pissed at me for whatever reason and vow to NEVER DO ANYTHING AGAIN IN THE PUBLIC HEMISPHERE. Contemplate suicide. Start job searching. Eat a lot of food. Watch a lot of tv and generally mentally get as far away from the person that I am as I can. You know, the typical.

Sorry for the ranting not really though, I could certainly go on but I am kind of exhausted from a flame war I just started on twitter, so… lol. I wasn’t going to even say anything about how infuriating the typical bullshit of weblog awards blog judging goes, when people piss you off online you take the high road these days and give them the attention they deserve which is none but I figure why not go at’er for old time’s sake again? I have fortunately won many awards from this particular weblog awards site before in the past, which is a marvelous feat in and of itself considering half my readership sure as shit were voting against me to lose and I still prevailed all those times. Even though I don’t vote I believe in voting. Haha.

Some may just be calling us sore losers but you’d think there would be at least one skilled or intelligent person on the jury panels that vote for these blogs because full offense, the ones I see in the running now sure as hell suck. As much as I would be irate with jealousy and shame if Casie were in there over me at least she deserves it over the others I see. Mommy blogs are cult circle coupon clicking rings that have legions of other mommy bloggers fangirling them in the hopes that they TOO will get a box of Tide. They ALL have the same agenda and shitty material, literally, posts about diapers. ALL of them. No offense to shit at all, I love shit BUT how do you decipher which is the best? Oh I know you get a panel of safe and un-subversive jurors to flag blogs like MINE or Casie’s and get us out of the way when our people nominated us to be there. Take away the voting system and you take away people who know, people who read and know these blogs and love them. Do you expect any of those people to love us? Fuck no they jealous. We make them appear loud and clear like the boring and unoriginal weblogs that they are and that’s why for three years in a row now I have not scooped up the “lifetime achievement” “award” that I deserve. Yes I realise I sound like a stupid ass for even acknowledging or caring but you upset my fans, or at least one or two or three or four of them. And when those four people get upset, I get upset! Because we really really care we were totally banking on this award like I really needed it because I didn’t at all foresee this coming, not at fucking all like there was a track record of this. I said good day sir!

I even beat DOOCE in 2006 in the weblog awards. International. Not just Canada. Dooce! She’s down Katie Couric styles and Oprah plus CNN and little known Raymi the Minx did that. Also I personally apologize to Schmutzie for having this same blow up tirade at her every year when this happens, it is no personal attack against you and deep down it really doesn’t inflame me so much I find the written word can get blown out of proportion like I am screaming all of this right now as I type it. I’m actually pretty chill right now eating pad thai.

No offense to the other bloggers personally either. I just find myself ten billion times more interesting. I guess you would expect that after fifteen years of navel-gazing. I have the readership to show for it. I guess we will see what happens in the future and I guess we will because everyone sees what happens in the future because it’s the future. Anyway life goes on and so does my blog with or without new achievements to brag about that make people hate you more. I got enough of those already.

People think food pics are boring. I think they’re cute. They tell a story. They say I am fat or I am thin or I don’t eat carbs but I eat bacon and I probably have high cholesterol and later on I will crap this all out pass the hot sauce.

Tomorrow I’m going to post some of my jokes I didn’t read on Friday night!

I’m singing at the Central on Monday night if you wanna come by and say hi no big deal. I also wrote a long-ass email script about a crazy date I had that might be chosen to be re-enacted on telly I am probably not allowed to tell you but too late have a nice day love you bye bye.