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Down the Raymi rabbit hole

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Hi I’m Raymi, do you like rock stars? Me too, lets do this!

I dressed like Veronica Corningstoner yesterday in case I pulled it off maybe I could be a public broadcasting professional and meet Ron Burgundy. I dunno. Dressing the part is more than half the work in life, if you’re gonna be a rockafeller skank you should floss as such.

I told these guys the recipe for getting backstage: GIRLS. Get the two hottest girls from your town to come to a show (if there’s two of you, one girl per guy minimum) and use her as a bartering ticket but even then, it takes years to solidify bonds and connections in the music industry. Case in point are these guys dressed the part to blend in with groupies? They’re just total dudes, bros. They were funny.

My camera guys were pumped about the candy. Good to know I can pay them in candy.

Look a Sheep Dog, right off the bat. Don’t even ask me what I asked or what they said, my mind is wiped. It doesn’t matter we can talk about bananas once you skyrocket to fame people just want to experience your essence, your long locksy essence. I am sad I forgot to do my Stillwater joke about the sequel to Almost Famous and didja hear that The Sheepdogs are up for that band role? I was going to start that rumour and spread it to all the bands. Forgot to.

Some guys I interviewed based on funny hair alone, knowing they weren’t musicians but pretending I thought they were so that their musician friends could make fun of them ALL ON MY RAYMITHEMINX TV SHOW. GOLD.

I was too shy to penetrate right off the bat. You open the door to backstage and WHOOSH every band. member. in. sight. Normally back there on my own not with camera we all play it cool smoke together, too cool each other out, I take a bit of shots, kind of keep a distance, but mostly cover the live action cos I am too severely shy and stupid in the mouth at these moments.

It’s basically an ambush show. Like my blog. It’s real but then the musicians who are actual professionals here know when I am cueing them for “make believe time is over now” and ask them a question about global warming then we do SERIOUS VOICE then they get tired of me and then I move on to the next one.

A second camera guy I had wandering around the sound academy, in the pit. We were like a virus. Raymitis. It’s worse than Aids. Ha ha.

We had to move back a bit, I love when security intervenes, it makes the famous moment you invented get blown way out of proportion (they were believing my hype) and fan hysteria increases. I also blame her tits which I only noticed were phenom from this photo and thank you for it.

We look like Scooby Doo.

And we are called the Underdogs you should probably tell us everything and not sign anything. We are for hire. Just wait and see how good it is first then I’ll know how high to reach. raymi@raymitheminx.com fyi.

Peter I am going to pants you next time. It’s what the underdogs would do. The ginger is Andrew and he saved my ass with The Reason. Hoo boy. Andrew is my Seth Rogan. This looks like a hilarious reality show, a show on a show hey where is John Malkovich?

Awww that loving couple. Don’t even ask me who that performer is. I zoomed in still can’t tell. Aghh Geoff just told me the footage is awesome, I was bashing myself to myself all night/day long on pins. :)

Another great way to get backstage is breaking your foot. Awful desperate but it works. I in no way shape or form suggest that you do that nor that she did it purposely either it was a funny joke, is all.

Canada is amazing because our radio personalities can never not be canadian which means it’s a big beer-ha-ha and everybody loves them, we take it seriously but not really. That girl is holding a signed by everyone beer bottle magnum, magnums are meant for champagne. OH CANADA, OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND!

See anyone you recognize? Omg look at that girl’s face right in front of me.

I am a major USS fan. I know obscure specifics about their lyrics. It was apparent that absolutely none of this interview would be anywhere close to serious.

He held my mic while i rifled through my notes which I didn’t have any of because I felt confident with my wakestock stories (failed) and hamilton show story (and there too).

And then we listened to a beautifully moving acceptance speech while the sheepdogs were playing. I want to be friends with USS but we’re all ernies I think and that could be disastrous. Ernies and Berts go together. Ernies and Ernies set things on fire together, nahmean?

SHEEP DOGS!

I wonder what their tour bus is like with all that corduroy and plaid and hair mixed up on it.

Romesh (Hey Rosetta!) was the second musician I ambushed and they were about to go onstage (this is hours later when we were relaxed) so that interview was straight ridiculous, he’s like, Raymi? And I’m all, Romesh, why are Newfies all crazy? Except I didn’t want to say newfies, i tripped on it and said NEWFOUNDLAND, people from? I dunno. I am sure it is horrible and my career is over now before its begun like Bridget Jones down the fire pole ughhh. Luckily I’ve been piss wasted with Romesh before so I knew I could wing it into something fun.

All I did was recycle anecdotes I’ve learned from Rajiv (his brother), even something about his dad. What other The Enemy (rock writers) can offer up useless personal bits like that I’m flippin’ Oprah here, I mean, I got Kinley their fiddler to talk about being a bonafide mute, “s’that why you play the fiddle?”

Hey Romesh what the crap is that in your hand behind my notes?

Groupies, music industry folk, the regulars.

Paddy was shooting for I forget already I asked her 4 times. It was funny to be like, oh yeah, I do this tv thing and blog thing and burlesque, there’s one of my dancers over there. No I don’t get that nervous for burlesque cos I don’t have to talk for that and every time I open my mouth I get in to trouble anyway.

The Sam Roberts boys fell right in to my groupie dancing vortex trap which makes sense now as to how I lured that exclusive, way to go me.

That one chick is trying to figure out what the hell is going on. This is what building a legend looks like.

Sam is a darling. Humble, modest, said sincerely that he hopes my tv show goes well. Then I obsessed about what that meant ahaha. I asked them all what it was like to be a rock star and that lead to all these abstract and profound wisdoms, that would be a funny show idea to ask that question and just edit an hour of all these long tangents from rock royalty. Just one episode though it would get boring if it was strictly music. I need a hot pink Hello Kitty mic foam and swarovski crystal mic. And a sponsor. HINT.

++

sorry got busy guys. we’ll be back tomorrow. Go to Cheese Boutique tomorrow for Totally Turkish 12-4 and have lunch. I have loads of pics of going there prior to casbys yesterday. So fun.

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes

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What a success! I ambushed so many bands. I said so many awesome and stupid and witty thought-provoking useless things alright! It’s not what I interview, sillies, it’s that I interview. I got a sheep dog, Hey Rosetta, Sam Roberts, USS, and The Reason. I ambushed 5 out of 6 of the Casby performers in total. Some exclusives, backstage, side stage, tour bus alley, it was all my playground (has always been) but now with camera crew. It was wonderful to see lots of familiar faces and music industry pals milling about like old times. We danced and shot from the pit, caught some crowd surfing oh it was wicked, ears are still buzzing. Here’s a few teasers.

I think I was endearing because I am keeping the dream alive here, showcasing the behind the scenes moments that I already do but this time with a camera, the ultimate bracelet. I was starstruck and also deer in headlight and now expected to personify the crap that I brag that I am all these years aka “knowing things”.

I got a Sheep dog right off the bat. I kept my banter down to relatable shit which essentially is, who we both know, who we both have slept with, partying, crap that is applicable to me and/or my dress and what it’s like being a rockstar. I don’t think these guys were expecting something so refreshing and confusing, I was banking on candids, which I got combined with my expertise re: the limited attention spans of rockers and their managers whisking ‘em off elsewhere. Long story short, my connections got me this far now it’s up to me to get the story and produce the show.

Romesh is a bud of mine that I knew would help grant me more Hey Rosetta access. Little Raymis take notes, personalize your moments with musicians, bribe them if necessary. I can’t tell you all my secrets to success but I can tell you having a sense of humour and great teeth is a part of it. Lots of bullshit is involved too (more being funny).

Interviewing fiddlers while crouching in wedges then making a little joke about how funny your smurf interview is going. The thing about rockstars is you think all of them are too cool for you but there’s that part of them that wishes you were featuring them in your little bloggy yearbook thing too no matter how stupid their friends tell them you are so even though I didn’t get a moment with bedouin soundclash, they so wanted it. I could tell.

Do you like how I interview like we are on our way to Sherway Gardens with my purse on SERIOUSLY it’s scratch ‘n save at The Bay dudes. Hi mom!

Then I partied some. Partying in the pit with girls bopping you on the head going I WANNA KNOW WHERE YOU ARE PARTYING AFTER. I am going to start my own getting dudes laid side project business.

Dress of the summer.

Co-ordinating battle strategy.

I had a billion wristbands. Normally when I do my Raymi Lane stuff I get my Guest list and drink tix and that impresses my mates well enough, but this time I had to be sure to get everyone everywhere with me which is more than one person when you’re a film crew. It takes work that I am patting myself on the back for, some artists are like woah so many wristbands! When you tour a lot and hit new venues constantly you’ll know that sometimes promoters can get a bit diva and do not give a shit about who you are and will kibosh your guest list or I dunno, it’s a stress that you can’t flick away so it was nice to get it all sorted and I was very happy. I love Sound Academy through and through. There’s even a pool there! Pool parties! What the hell have I been doing all summer?

Note taking. Wikipedia when you plagiarize it (copy paste paragraphs) it blobs it all up with hyper links, which is atrocious and impossible to read when you’re on the spot having an exclusive with a band member.

We found the pizza party.

Didn’t have any though. There was a potato one. Lots of the bands had just come from a bbq, Dine Alone’s I think. I asked some if they felt fat. One of my big questions was why are musicians all vegetarians and one Sheep Dog said they weren’t, they all just came from a BBQ. OK NEXT QUESTION!

This is me working my voodoo. You’re my girl Kinley!

I just really liked how my legs looked here I mean, she was lovely. She liked my rings and bling, I liked hers and then we talked about fan girls and her bracelets. She plays a fiddle I’m sure she is tired of being smart all the time sometimes it’s nice to just be shallow.

And then I danced a lot and blushed a lot about it but forced it. Every time you film the crowd it’s like Wakestock or edgefest, they love it. Good footage.

Then we had a great Sam Roberts exclusive. I told him I auditioned for one of his music videos and made it to the top 3 (truth) and he was like aw we made the wrong choice and I go no you didn’t, I was fat. It was the bridge to nowhere song maybe.

I asked him what it was like to do what you love and see the happiness on fan’s faces, other media was gathering and I was hogging all his time and he poured his guts out my crew was elated. We did it! He was so sweet and humble.

I dunno. Yeah. It doesn’t matter, music dorks can slay me all they want, this isn’t Brooklyn Vegan. Even when I was going to shows (several weekly years ago) and blogging them like bananas I never knew what the hell I was seeing or writing about. It’s always been about the experience man (ok maybe a portion is about the music too hahaha) and like I said to one hippie backstager, the dress I wore was intentional, I feel something like it was in mind when rock was invented. There will always be differing opinions on music, influences, taste. Who cares, we’re all wearing denim and our facial hair is relevant. Cheers.

xo rlw.

Ok so sometimes I care about stuff other than myself so listen up

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tristan is in orange, ace is in yellow, owen is in green. the mutt, nina, is not ours (thank god)… no offence, nina.
x

thats the makings of a tv show right there.

So, this cool chick facebooked me the other day about a hamilton party thing, coincidentally I was going through my FB messages today to catch up on all the ones I miss as it’s like Beatlemania fan mail somedays ’round here.

(raymi@raymitheminx.com lol).

Anyhooters, I get this email from her today that kind of sparks our FB chat that you will read following her email (Which is mass-forwarded and therefore horribly formatted):

> I’m participating in 2011 CN Edge Walk. I will be Facing MY Fear and taking a step out on the edge as I walk around the OUTSIDE of the CN Tower for AboutFace!
>
> ‘Face Your Fear’ is being hosted by AboutFace to raise money and awareness for Camp Trailblazers: a retreat for kids ages 10 to 18 who have facial differences.
>
> Many of these kids will meet other kids like themselves for the first time. At Camp Trailblazers, they will learn life skills, challenge themselves to overcome physical barriers, and create life long friendships. To learn more about Camp Trailblazers and the event visit www.aboutface.ca
>
> You can help support me by making a secure online donation using your credit card. Click on the link below:
>
www.aboutface.ca
>
> Thanks for your support!

THIS MADE ME FEEL JEALOUS AND INSPIRED. TWO FAVOURITE THINGS. No, well, I want to do this CN Tower walk too but I am already in the middle of so many other things blabbity blah, also kind of probably totally terrified, but mostly don’t have the time to campaign for donations in order to do it, what’s more, I don’t have triplets with cleft palets so I would be an asshole to campaign over Jenn now that she showed up on my radar. Hoping to marry our two adrenaline junky wants together to form a super-power awareness so we can walk the edge and you can give her all the money and I just get to dangle 1,815.4 ft and faint at 1,815.4 ft just so I can say that I did. It will be just like what I did on Saturday at Brickworks except 1,685 feet SCARIER. One day I will call for donations to climb up the CN Tower stairs though. We have 4 sets of stairs in this townhouse, sometimes climbing them just once in a day is enough to make me wheeze a little. BAD SIGN!

Jenn

thinking you should come to supercrawl in grimy, ol’ hamilton today. all day art and bands and loveliness.

http://www.supercrawl.ca/

Raymi Lauren White:

i just tweet noticed a girl talking about it. i am already crush f-cked all over again from last night. do you live there? my godmother has a resto, a nice italian one, tracadaros? anyway ill be in the hammer soon.

Jenn:

yep… i live there. trocadero! that place is a hamilton fixture. i’ve never eaten there, but i think i should- i’ve heard great things about it. thinking of you on this 9/11. i can hardly bear to watch the footage on tv. can’t imagine what it was like to witness it firsthand. that kind of thing changes a person forever.

Raymi Lauren White

aw i missed this sorry for delay. i havent eaten at trocadero (my godmother’s restaurant in hamilton) yet either cant wait. theres a delay in opening it cos one of the cooks injured her hand aw. just got yer cn tower email thing i totally wanted to do that. how do i get in as an ambassador w/o having to do the charity crap part to raise awareness for all involved?

Jenn

i only found out about it because my triplets were all born with cleft lips (they figure it was some sort of fluke when the egg divided so many times). the organization offers support and resources for families of kids with all varieties of facial differences. you could try emailing someone there. jessica is the manager of marketing and outreach, so maybe start there: jessica@********

i am terrified of doing it. they give a breathalyzer before to make sure you’re not tanked, otherwise i’d have a few for sure.

Raymi Lauren White

omg i would smoke a billion doobs. triplets! cleft lips! you saint and inspiration. ill make a donation pitch on my blog for you then. when does it happen?

Jenn

awww, you are sweet. it’s october 28. i think any other info would be on the email i sent with pledge link etc. it’s strange with my kids, too, since they are indentical, but they have their clefts in different places. tristan had a complete one on the left side with a cleft palate, owen had an incomplete one on the right, and ace had an incomplete one in the middle. strangely enough, the locations are indentical with their position in utero. we are so lucky that their clefts are only a cosmetic problem and they had no associated syndrome. they are smart as whips and creative as can be. their surgeon was amazing, and some people don’t even notice, but it breaks your heart as a mother when your kids stare at themselves in the mirror and ask why their lips aren’t shaped like other kids in their class. anyway… typical mother ramble. did you want me to send you a photo of the turkeys? many mercis.

Raymi Lauren White

what are the associated syndromes? joaquin phoenix has/had one. you should write to him, and then get him to have sex with me. deal! and yeah barely noticeable. will be considered hot when they’re older, just dont let them turn into dorks. should i make a dont let them turn into dorks work shop?

Jenn

nah… no anti-dork workshop. i think you should have a workshop for men who are already dorks and spin ‘em into cool dudes.

yeah, there are tons of crazy genetic syndromes that have clefts as a ‘feature’. we are so thankful that for our dudes it’s just a fluke… strictly cosmetic. it’s crazy how common it is, too, and how many misconceptions there are associated with it. when they were babies, some salty broad at the grocery store asked if their brains were ok. i nearly decked her. anyway. i’m sure joaquin phoenix would love to have sex with you.

Raymi Lauren White

better idea. your disposition in general despite having 400 joaquin phoenix clones is f-ing adorable. this is how we will get donations for you by exploiting this talk, having senses of humour is the last phone call to a friend i have from killing myself some days. you’re alright buddy.

DEAR PLANET TORONTO,

GIVE THIS WOMAN WHO HAS THREE BOYS (WORTHY ENOUGH OF DONATIONS) SOME MONEY (for aboutface, her charity) SO SHE CAN DO SOMETHING INSANE AND THEREFORE MAKE IT ALL WORTH IT. I AM GOING TO HARASS JESSICA TO LET ME IN ON THIS TOO COS I SURE AS HELL ok I’ll stop yelling, I sure as hell am not having triplets in time to get you to care about me, like I need money to hang on to a building, I’ll do it for free hahaha. Help me spread the word too, you know I love you, tell me what you want, I’ll give you some of my toys or send you to a concert, or design a date, get you laid, maybe even continue blogging so you have something to read at work tomorrow.

XO Your pal Raymbo.

(pretty sure if I go through with this my dad will faint. I made a hot air balloon ride joke once and he could not handle it). (hi dad miss you!)

I know I could never jump out of a plane, the feeling of falling would seriously make me be blacked out all the way down and my jump partner would be like cradling a baby. Boring and embarrassing. With the edge walk you’d be forced to be lucid the whole way through. This just got real.

Ps. Jenn did not ask me to do this post either. I like to call this MODERN WARFARE ON CHARITY. I think we all need to man up and start givin’ a care and if it takes (and it does) crazy stunts to get money out of people for honest to goodness causes then by all means, throw me in a lion pit, I’ll do it. Jenn’s spirit regarding her boys is what moved me most of all. I feel like the majority of people (or the perception of them) with some kind of physical handicap or disability or a child with one, they seem lobotomized or neurotic, uptight, un-fun, and Jenn seems funner than a lot of people I love more than myself, right? People with no reason for chips on their shoulders and such. Role model material that girl is.

Thank you so much for the donates in advance!

you crack me up. your post is grand… only one small correction that doesn’t matter much anyway, but all 3 had cleft lips, only 1 had the cleft palate, as well. no matter, really. what i like is that you’re helping bring awareness to such a great organization. aboutface was a wealth of resources for my husband and i when we first started on this adventure. there are so many kids who suffer from self-esteem issues etc based on their facial differences, and it warms my heart to think that there is a camp where they can go to feel just like their peers. aboutface also educates on syndromes such as apert, crouzon, and non-syndromic conditions such as hemangiomas. education breeds acceptance, i always say. can i cheer about them more?

and honestly your kids are cute as hell so good luck with people sympathizing ;)

omg i picture me and joaquin floating on clouds in gladiator outfits (from his movie) and your boys as our golden floating cherubs. gahahaha.

Ladies don’t get stuff done

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The tire parts were hard, and tiring cos everything on the apparatus swings once you grasp it and if you see the ropes attached to the tire, doesn’t take much from a person to make it all difficult on top of being very still as can be so you don’t make the tire wobble while maneuvering up and on to it. Your arms get tired.

Now don’t get me started on how much I love fall again. Fall, farmer’s markets and everyone in their finest vintage sweater sets and H&M babies, this season was made for walking around and sampling tomatoes from eccentrics. I have pages of photos and commentary to get to after a doggily walkily on this fine Sunday Funday. As you were.

Cool Branding 101

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(video removed so the following is relevant to a shirt I was wearing in it).

I will retire this song from my blog now. This is the second part of it when she really rips her. That was the most expensive shirt I bought ever really that I can think of. My Smythe blazer was purchased with free money ($1000 gift card to holts renfrew!) so I don’t know if it counts cos it’s not out of pocket. It was almost $800. Then it went viral a week later, the label, by kate middleton selecting it while visiting toronto. The same happened with my monster bikini which every girl I know said they tried it on or saw it, everyone wants to glom off the mainstream or affix themselves to it. Yeah but DID you buy it? No you di’in’t. There is no denying that I am a trendsetter, an originator and early-adopter. Getting to things first, is not only an obsession, it’s a compulsion. When you live on the beat, at the pulse, in a city or largely I feel, born with it (a cool gene) this is where the compulsion comes from. It is ingrained. Debate me all you like about this alleged coolness but you’re wrong.

It’s a skill. You can’t purchase cool just like Douglas Coupland said purchased experiences don’t count. What about all the rich guys in the world, what’s next? Celebrity. Not satisfied til “it all” is all attained. I know I am not stopping until I am in a feature film, big one. Even if it kills me and it most certainly will.

I am having one of those and now what do I talk about moments because at the moment I am immersed in 4 separate projects. Half the shit I am presently doing in life I should have been doing years ago. I think the city would have swallowed up and spat out a 19 year old trying to lead a burlesque troupe, I was too green, too young. Now I am ready. I want to, as usual, blab about every detail about these projects because I am hyper and excitable and proud. My edginess gets the better of me, bests me and I decided to stop obstacling myself. Yesterday I flipped out and said if I can’t undo my image (colleague said it doesn’t happen over night) then I may as well throw in the social media towel cos this is bulls-t.

My traffic is better. My rank is HIGHER. My legend, older. People are actually reading my blog so it tells me they just don’t think people have the capacity to change. The raciest thing about me is my tits. Which haven’t been seen in ages. I love children and animals. I am no phoney.

My legacy it will be Rock and writing. Maybe some art too. How f-ing cool no? You know who is in to that? Kids. I have a niece who is 13. You want to sell things to these tots, they are reading Raymbo just so you know. They follow where cool is and I’m sorry to break it to you but IT IS RIGHT HERE.

I don’t toot my own horn too often cos in my experience I have found that is when things sincerely go to shit but I am just glad to hear that others have been and sometimes karma has a way of biting you. A pal said we don’t congratulate ourselves too much, or enough. So maybe I’ll do just that. I busted my ass this week, so cheers to ya if ya did too!

XOXO Yours, Raymbo.

Ps. Here’s my runway and said blazer. FIERCE!