funny picture. gill and i hit amanda’s birthday thinger at the cadillac after leaving bar_one after leaving her place that we were supposed to just stay inside of and wine out to a blur dvd but we went outside so i could smoke weed then that turned into her needing to buy cigs then i’m like outside is great! so much better than inside (once it got dark) lets destroy this city. kinda a homecoming. look it’s jian ghomeshi!
before heading out realised had to fix face oh man i just remembered i have to go to gill’s and collect half of my crap cos we went out on a whim and i left a ton of stuff there. i’ll go on my way to work plus her place is nice and frigid no biggie.
if i had just stayed in i wouldn’t have eaten and dranked the city. gill let me inhale two packages of kit kat and coffee crisps mini bites (one of each) no not the supermarket bag sized, seven-11 sized. i could tell with each one i popped in to my mouth gill was getting happier and happier. expect to never get that grey cardigan back eh.
we smelled a fire it was very pungent and the thick heat carried its scent. it was enchanting at first then it got gross. it was just some idiot burning stuff in his backyard.
i have stood smoking in this alley in numerous snowstorms. once on a family day, the city felt gutted and emptied and we were drinking whatever we could cos all our friends are losers who missed the liquor store. sentimental alley.
look i went meta, a polaroid in a polarioid. only one person laughed at that and everyone else pretended they knew what it meant. i felt secretly smug about that.
sometimes i really dig bad quality photos. battery was dying on my phone, the air was hazy and smokey cos the fire was right in that backyard beside me.
i hate that permanent scar on my left knee now FUCK. amanda said it was a bad looking bruise i said worse, it’s permanent. socks were unevenly-drooped all day. my personal fuck you to the world. we all fight our mini battles daily yes. oh my god i am an idiot.
prosecco and cassis tastes great. i am weakened by the heat and told i complain about it way too much like an old man. i am going to buy a fan tomorrow. i need to get a new laptop this thing is ridiculous. the soundcard hasn’t bothered to work in so long sitting in silence drives me nuts it’s the one enjoyable thing about “working from home” and when you can’t have music but only heat and no air circulating in your hot parkdale mansion (that’s what this house is known as, cool eh?) irritation sets in. melodie is loading me up on hippie vitamins to get rid of my blues. she got lucas a new turntable so we’re spinning records now. it was his birthday last week. happy birthday again buddy xoxoxo!
i just have a big mouth about things and when those things happen to be the subject of the boringest depression ever, yeah sorry for beating this dead horse i’ll try to talk about other stuff instead like how great it is to be back in the fucking city oh christ putting whiner on hold for a tick. loved loved loooved thunder bay and the skids babysitting me an awful lot but yes, talk about could be worse for this fellar. the sticks are too slow a pace for me right now. i NEED stimulus, crave it, will go absolutely bonkers without it. i can see my way out of sadness i see it almost ending, though it never permanently does, i can at least see stepping out of the thick of it for the time being. which is great. you don’t really know how good you got it til you go away for a little while.
i order the same damn thing every time i hit sidecar. always the prix fixe, always the roast chicken. i probably have ten pictures of the same fucking chicken. ones from visits i’ve never even blogged.
a young chick recognized beast. she texts her friend (his stepdaughter) saying spotted beast and some 22 year old girl wining and dining at sidecar. twenty-two! awesome. i cannot go anywhere in this town with that guy without a ton of extra extras all about it.
ass of the city. can’t find my other black leggings. trying to find black clothing is impossible and frantic. you have to plan it like a day ahead cos if you’re ever in a hurry it’s not happening brother.
ate the insides of this sandwich only while the guy across the row stared in disbelief and awe mixed with confusion and gluttony. love the gratis wine there and back.
impossible to read with a propeller going off in your head and exhausted to the max. kinda way too similar to how i garbage mania blog. inspiring all the same, if he could pull it off so can’t we all. specifically me.
love sitting up front with the fat cats. you get treated less and less importantly the further back you sit while more and more importantly the closer to the front. i was row 5 so the flight attendant liked me 92%. i will chart a likability graph using a plane seat diagram zzzz cannot finish this stupid joke caption…
belting this. wearing to work today. i never wear it, dunno why. it’s kinda ballerina and drapes at different levels at the thighs. i may as well wear rags to work it gets so sweaty. there is no showboating til about fall/winter.
kinda missed the elitist whining. there’s not much of that in tbay. it’s good to exist in both worlds i guess. all the elitist and fancy trappings of the city is a means to distract from how miserable i feel and you can’t very well do that when there aren’t trappings in the small town. you get too introspective. too much for me. i hate genuflecting i already know that i hate myself i don’t need to marinate on it more. adult depression is a scary thing. mid-twenties breakdowns blow. it’s a comfort to know that everybody has them at least.
felt like i was just going to look tired forever. be tired forever. that’s another physical symptom of depression. you can delude yourself all you want but if you can barely climb stares without feeling utter fatigue then you know you’re in a sorry state. i know i said i would stop talking about it sorry sorry done!
so i’ve invited about half of my facebook friends to the red light district facebook page. half so far cos there’s a lot of you and independently clicking gets a little tedious. they have me on board because i’m a toronto notable big mouth, i have the audience and well, this is how the internet works right? i thought about what it would be like to have a red light district in toronto, or anywhere in canada for that matter and i think it’d be pretty fantastic, downright smutty hopefully. it also makes me want to go to amsterdam right now. after flying somewhere and not having as much weed as i typically like to hoover at my fingertips became another nail in the teahead coffin what is my life. so anyway, if we get a red light district in toronto i want to fucking work in it. no not as a hooker. i want to start a business, a boutique, anything, and plunk it right smack dab in the center of it. i already live in parkdale how sketchier can things get? join the discussion and all that other controversial nerdy shit. vote even. could we handle it?
next activity is buckling down and playing with new olympus pen. note to self and world.
Okay, are you suicidal? I have seen your expression, in the mirror, it is written all over. I am thinking about you. Please make me feel like shit if I am wrong or crazy, but srsly. I am kind of where you are, I was there a while back and now I am here again, and I have been thinking about Kurt and everyone a lot, the people who have made the Escape. It is very, very tempting. Why is it this way for us? Why is death so fucking THERE. I don’t know. But please, just don’t, the Point Of It All may be nebulous and silly, but I believe in you and your creativity, you bring hope. Don’t make us all lose it and kill everyone ha, shit man. Love ya. I painted a picture that reminds me of you, totally subconscious, but you know how it goes girl
so apparently i AM arrogant and i’m a dumb fake blond paris hilton twat. hilarious.
at least i’ve convinced one person that i am better than them from this fucking emo crisis state on the livingroom floor staring up at the ceiling i’ve never been so fucking low but yeah at the very least my arrogant demeanor is shining through strong and true. fine.
i’ve worked my ass off. i work my ass off. so that i can be lazy as possible for a stretch. i have spent many years cultivating an online persona so to speak and part of that craft is making it appear as though i have an easy life. i have earned my fucking way all on my own steed. through nasty comments and gossip that is constant and endless, i am self made. i didn’t go through the PR 101 revolving door. i learned this all on my own. i am a stubborn piece of shit and i did it all my way so no, i am NOT a dumb fucking fake blond. my hair may be fake but i sure as hell am not.
i’ve been to all your parties and i’ve met all your kind so you really can’t drag any wool over my eyes not saying you were, just, don’t lump me in with all that maybe?
i know exactly what i’m doing here oh my god where did this mission statement voice come from all the sudden. whatever. bad comments rile me up and i use them as content, what else are you supposed to do with that? swallow it on your own? boring as it is, there it is.
being a lone wolf, trying to make it on your own, without anybody holding your hand, you try it on maybe. holding on to a dream and being adamant about it for ten years, give that a go why don’t you before you start pointing fingers.
i don’t care if you think i’m nothing but all about frivolous shit. that’s only the part of my life that you get to see. you don’t know my heart.
i came out here to rest and to lay low i guess. it was part impulsive and necessary. but it didn’t fix me. you can’t expect anything to fix you and you can’t fix yourself it just has to happen on its own.
some people in thunder bay yesterday really wanted to have a toronto war. here i am finally gettin’ proper gunned, fuckn right ripped there terry, and they’re all toronto sucks it’s so arrogant and so on all to a tragically hip soundtrack on rotate. i love the hip and i love thunder bay. like, i’m here. for a second time in a row. a lot of people have acted instantly back up to me it’s so boring and predictable.
steph noticed it too. said they’re really nice people. i know that, but like really nice people who feel threatened and obligated to debate you on something you have zero care for which makes you arrogant for not wanting to have the discussion to begin with what? i’m here ON YOUR TEAM GUYS. i dunno, look at me, maybe i just have this fight with me look going on? i mean, enough people sure as shit hate me on the internet and in toronto so, whatever.
my dad has had to deal with this all his life too i believe. just strong personalities that other people with slightly less strong of personalities detect and become instantly protective of the air space that you got to first. like hey i’m great, you’re great, we’re ALL fucking great no need for a pissing contest 24/7 please can’t i just sit here in my stupid socks in miserable peace?
i said my friend made a movie called lets all hate toronto and he went across the country and to every province and everyone said they hated toronto but not a one could offer the reason why. that means everyone nationally is a fucking IDIOT! hating something they’ve never even experienced yet feel they’re supposed to hate. how many celebrities do we sort of hate yet never even met? ALL OF THEM. toronto is canada’s celebrity ok alright fine. no we don’t think we are better than anyone, we’re just our own thing, a great thing. so deal with it. experience it at least before you talk shit about it cos you look really fucking stupid right now. i said well we don’t sit around talking shit about you and they go well that’s cos you’re arrogant. um cool argument? we’re just too busy and have shit going on. i love it here i really love remote but i also miss my city.
but anyway yesterday was awesome. bluesfest. had mini donuts and their booze stand/beer tents are so organized i walked over to the liquor table and proclaimed this is greeeeeat like the attendee was the hostess of a party. gunned. blues traveler did radiohead’s creep and we danced our balls off. there was some old time speak easy rag time tunes later on back at the house and we jived on the porch like that scene in the notebook. kettle corn oh my god people go ballistic for it here bought a bag and got stopped by strangers all along the way, one crazy coot eccentric woman of which plunges her hand right on in there and i’m like go ahead sure. very funny scene. al jumped in a car and the woman drove up to us later and said to him this is thunder bay you’re lucky i didn’t pull a knife on you and drove off all menacingly. christ.
then i passed out on the livingroom couch and more people arrived and i had to sit up like i hadn’t just been totally crush fucked lights out. they have a friend called good night for that very reason, mike good night hahaha. steph drove us home in a lightning storm then rain storm and i cashed out in the vw backseat lying down in multiple retarded positions. drinking all day is such a job.
this sleepy mountain town very much reminds me fondly of williamstown massachusetts. wake up to a beating sun and look right up at a mountain. almost middle of a valley vibe.
my hair was kinda fucked for some of yesterday. steph said it made her wish she had a haircut. her hair is stellar though. so miss my long darkerish hair sometimes. it never ends eh. there is no being satisfied.
it’s a good bad. everyone fell in love with me at this moment. there was a mini fight at the legion too. fat joan jett versus an old lady and the volume of tunes. the cops came too afterward just because they’re so bored around here.
a bunch of my videos and photos from the last photo dump disappeared off steph’s laptop. oh well. on to the next big mental. think we’re goin’ swimmin’ today.
