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no i am not suicidy

i just have a big mouth about things and when those things happen to be the subject of the boringest depression ever, yeah sorry for beating this dead horse i’ll try to talk about other stuff instead like how great it is to be back in the fucking city oh christ putting whiner on hold for a tick. loved loved loooved thunder bay and the skids babysitting me an awful lot but yes, talk about could be worse for this fellar. the sticks are too slow a pace for me right now. i NEED stimulus, crave it, will go absolutely bonkers without it. i can see my way out of sadness i see it almost ending, though it never permanently does, i can at least see stepping out of the thick of it for the time being. which is great. you don’t really know how good you got it til you go away for a little while.

there’s a dude who periodically makes anorexia thighs comments so this one’s for him.

people just cannot get the fuck over this. it’s hilarious.

leave some tan for the rest of us.

flourless chocolate cake. diet blowing. skinny the rest of the week.

this would make the top ten of summer. billions of sweaty glasses of rosé.

i order the same damn thing every time i hit sidecar. always the prix fixe, always the roast chicken. i probably have ten pictures of the same fucking chicken. ones from visits i’ve never even blogged.

a young chick recognized beast. she texts her friend (his stepdaughter) saying spotted beast and some 22 year old girl wining and dining at sidecar. twenty-two! awesome. i cannot go anywhere in this town with that guy without a ton of extra extras all about it.

ass of the city. can’t find my other black leggings. trying to find black clothing is impossible and frantic. you have to plan it like a day ahead cos if you’re ever in a hurry it’s not happening brother.

i look part ‘tarded but this is how pumped i was to hit the mainland.

toronto in 1982 vision.

ate the insides of this sandwich only while the guy across the row stared in disbelief and awe mixed with confusion and gluttony. love the gratis wine there and back.

impossible to read with a propeller going off in your head and exhausted to the max. kinda way too similar to how i garbage mania blog. inspiring all the same, if he could pull it off so can’t we all. specifically me.

toldja we’re related.

love sitting up front with the fat cats. you get treated less and less importantly the further back you sit while more and more importantly the closer to the front. i was row 5 so the flight attendant liked me 92%. i will chart a likability graph using a plane seat diagram zzzz cannot finish this stupid joke caption…

greeeasy tired brat.

after the BS what was my flight in (tell you later) taking off in a double solo seat was very luxurious.

dos equis glasses. sidecar patio is dreamy.

belting this. wearing to work today. i never wear it, dunno why. it’s kinda ballerina and drapes at different levels at the thighs. i may as well wear rags to work it gets so sweaty. there is no showboating til about fall/winter.

kinda missed the elitist whining. there’s not much of that in tbay. it’s good to exist in both worlds i guess. all the elitist and fancy trappings of the city is a means to distract from how miserable i feel and you can’t very well do that when there aren’t trappings in the small town. you get too introspective. too much for me. i hate genuflecting i already know that i hate myself i don’t need to marinate on it more. adult depression is a scary thing. mid-twenties breakdowns blow. it’s a comfort to know that everybody has them at least.

felt like i was just going to look tired forever. be tired forever. that’s another physical symptom of depression. you can delude yourself all you want but if you can barely climb stares without feeling utter fatigue then you know you’re in a sorry state. i know i said i would stop talking about it sorry sorry done!

so i’ve invited about half of my facebook friends to the red light district facebook page. half so far cos there’s a lot of you and independently clicking gets a little tedious. they have me on board because i’m a toronto notable big mouth, i have the audience and well, this is how the internet works right? i thought about what it would be like to have a red light district in toronto, or anywhere in canada for that matter and i think it’d be pretty fantastic, downright smutty hopefully. it also makes me want to go to amsterdam right now. after flying somewhere and not having as much weed as i typically like to hoover at my fingertips became another nail in the teahead coffin what is my life. so anyway, if we get a red light district in toronto i want to fucking work in it. no not as a hooker. i want to start a business, a boutique, anything, and plunk it right smack dab in the center of it. i already live in parkdale how sketchier can things get? join the discussion and all that other controversial nerdy shit. vote even. could we handle it?

one more stupid picture of me for the road. oh and one more after that.

next activity is buckling down and playing with new olympus pen. note to self and world.

Okay, are you suicidal? I have seen your expression, in the mirror, it is written all over. I am thinking about you. Please make me feel like shit if I am wrong or crazy, but srsly. I am kind of where you are, I was there a while back and now I am here again, and I have been thinking about Kurt and everyone a lot, the people who have made the Escape. It is very, very tempting. Why is it this way for us? Why is death so fucking THERE. I don’t know. But please, just don’t, the Point Of It All may be nebulous and silly, but I believe in you and your creativity, you bring hope. Don’t make us all lose it and kill everyone ha, shit man. Love ya. I painted a picture that reminds me of you, totally subconscious, but you know how it goes girl

yesterday my blog got a billion hits. yes guy.

19 thoughts on “no i am not suicidy

  1. Nice to see you getting back into the groove.

    “trappings of the city is a means to distract from how miserable i feel and you can’t very well do that when there aren’t trappings in the small town. you get too introspective. too much for me. i hate genuflecting i already know that i hate myself i don’t need to marinate on it more.”

    I hear ya, well said

    But don’t hate on yourself, your special.

  2. i always thought they were being phony, but my stewrdess friend says they treat you in relation to how much they want to do you

    i can live w/ that

  3. have you heard mel gibsons ranting towards his ex? I can’t stop laughing over this, it is horrifying, he is insane

  4. forget the anorexic legs, that one was about the cameltoe!
    nice smirk too!

  5. i know how you feel, i was living in the “middle of nowhere” for 2 years and it was insane. we drove 2 hours for pizza once. i am so happy to be back int he city.

  6. ridiculously similar right? try tristessa again without the airplane propeller in your ear, you took a picture of my favourite part.

  7. If you try too hard, or never allow yourself to be sad, you end up pushing the magic out of life. Fuck anyone who criticises your depression and openness about it. I think you deal with it very well.

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