ever heard of a little band called public enemy? they’ll be there. epic. shit man. starvation diet starts tomorrow, gonna be in a ‘kini all weekend long. orange county tan here i come. i bet i won’t have to tan once in the coming winter months i’m already pretty fuckin’ blazed.
so you know this red light district isn’t happening eh. cool work volvo, very smart campaign you sneaky punks let me test drive a car. or do a shitty burlesque solo tomorrow nite at your night of naughty party.
um speaking of party, i think i’m taking a party break from now til wakestock.
last nite was hip hop nite at work and i almost got punched in the face by a crush fucked skidlet smoking a cigarette inside. awesome.
sometimes i miss weed. i miss how i wrote stoned. looking back on the haze of the last several fucking months of my ganj career i marvel at how i was ever able to churn out blog posts pre-mj but then i remembered it was due to hung fumes, where everything is funny cos you’re drunk still and i’d just blog til i ran out of steam and was no longer capable of making myself laugh.
so the moral of this is i have to get back on the sauce again hardcore supreme if i want to save this shit show blog? no wait i discovered the cure for marijiuana, it rhymes with spokane. ha haha ugh. kidding jeez sorry.
brosz7 and i on the ferry, i sooo hate when it loops to hanlan’s from ward’s before hitting the city i get super duper crabby and impatient and all the small talk we make is totally forced sorry for faking it guys but in my head i am machine gunning the sky with rage bolts of lightning.
yesterday i received an overwhelming amount of nasty comments and it bummed me out. normally it just bounces off my heart and i’m like oh well but yesterday i felt especially sensitive, vulnerable? you guys are mean as shit eh. what did i do to you? i biked like mad to loblaws at queen’s quay happy with my bravery decision to go solo to the island for the first time this summer, i get to the supermarket to buy my beach snacks and then i check my blackberry emails and there’s 20 asshole comments waiting for me. i sat on the stairs and went through them and my heart raced and i looked up and felt like shit, felt like everybody around me in loblaws was feeling the same awful things being said about me, hated it. getting a little out of hand these days it really is. i am just trying to get through my stupid fucking life here why the need to stomp all over me?
people get more aggressive with me when there’s a change, i think that’s it. they see a free bird and they want to shoot it down. sometimes i wonder if i was a man blogger would i be harassed so awfully?
no one ever thought i was good enough for my ex. then we split and they’re like stupidest fucking move ever. now that i am dating for the first time in my fucking life that’s not allowed either. would it please you if i just sat in a room doing nothing forever then? or just laid down and fucking died? WHAT DO YOU ASSHOLES WANT FROM ME? back to boring housewife basics? cos even then you were railroading the crap out of me.
i am an eccentric being. i am different. DEAL WITH IT OR ELSE LEAVE. beast said it’s cos i paint myself as this flake here and in real life i am nothing like that, i’m sweet and kind and loving and generous but you forget all that when people are scream pound typing about how much of a fucking train wreck you are. come back when i’m 30 then we’ll talk about how much of a train wreck i am. i’ve had a rough year, lots and lots of changes, and last i checked i’m pretty sure i’m allowed to do whatever the hell i want.
i refuse to accept that consistent harassment comes with the territory of being a blogger. that shit’s not right and shouldn’t be allowed to fly anymore. how can it be policed? seriously it’s so disgusting it makes me so angry i feel like if i were to ever be face to face with one of these nimrods i’d end up in jail. i fantasize that the po po would be on my side, i’d be all guy, i gave them irish sunglasses because they’ve been torturing my ass for years and the cop would be like here is my baton finish them off.
matt said he was so tanked once coming off the ferry he tripped and fell on his face in front of everyone HAHHAHAHabsahahahaah i died laughing at that one. i would pay five hundred dollars to go back in time to see that happen again.
so once i was on the ferry i started texting everyone i know to see if there were any beach joiners. i learned that i have one friend only yesterday and it’s this polack. i made smalltalk with a customer about this and she was like not true, everyone else was at work. ok fine i have ONE unemployed friend only. basically i need new hobbies or new friends. no, i need more direction in my life. what i actually need is a new laptop so i’ll be motivated and inspired to sit down and finish my book then i can get that sweet fucking signing bonus then i can fly away and be somebody. i guess i’m just used to being in a relationship and all the activities that come along with that fill up your time, normal shit, but when single everything seems outlandish cos you’re doing everything solo or with a different buddy every time when really it’s no different than if you were hanging with your signif other constantly.
bought a hobo-sized thing of tequila and poured some in a dasani orange-flavoured water bottle.
ok that’s it for the raymi times today. time to wash my hair and collect my bike from the market. it was pissing last nite and we all ambled to a house party. bumped into trish had a gas. two rounds of booze delivery took place. everyone danced with their shirts off and the nite ended with a beatles guitar scream sing-a-long. saw a dude get hit by a cab, he was alright but flew a few yards and it made a crazy bang noise. ran up to gawk but felt immediately sketched out by the pack of dudes all fighting about it.
First of all, I’ll just say that I’ve read your blog for years and think it’s great. It can be funny and heartbreaking and endearing and honest, not to mention great publicity for all the restaurants and hangouts around the city. I wouldn’t know about half the places around here if you hadn’t haunted them first.
Anyway, what I’m really writing to talk about is: boobs. I myself am tiny tiny, not just chest-wise but all over, like you. I know you’ve acknowledged all that time that you’re pretty flat and I just wanted to say (as weird as it may sound) I think it’s awesome. I’m not self-conscious or insecure about being flat in the least, you don’t have to wear a bra, they’ve got a longer shelf life (ba dum tsshh!) when you get older, and you get to look like an adorable teenager instead of someone’s mom. Plus I’m pretty short so big boobs would just make me look shorter or stockier. But no matter how comfortable you are with your own body, and no matter how many hits from guys you get, there are still people who try and make you feel self-conscious, for whatever reason. I work with a bunch of guys and a lot of them make comments. Even other girls do it. And then a lot of times you see things like the Sunshine Girl, who can have a face like roadkill or the personality of a rock but if she’s got big tits then she’s hot. So when I read your blog and you’re walking around in tiny tanktops and bathing suits looking completely gorgeous then it’s just like Finally! Someone who doesn’t give a shit and is comfortable wearing whatever they want because it all looks good.
So, I guess, thank you? for being flat-chested? I don’t know if that even means anything, it’s not like you made the decision to be flat, but I guess I’m thanking you for embracing it and being beautiful and making me feel a little braver.
Emelie
oh look i’m in the fashion blues video for the beauties. look for my puma shirt, short shorts and long hair, i’m a butt shaking dance maniac. at :25 you see the back of my hair standing by the bar. at :55 you see the drake owner beckoning to me and i look cranked and cute to all fuck, doing my signature goony smile. at 1:06 you see my cute butt wiggle. at 1:12 you see my dance punching moves. at 1:50 my butt wiggle again. there’s probably more raymi cameos but i’m getting crow’s feet from squinting too hard so look for them yourselves.
met up at cadillac for the neil youngins, wasn’t feeling it so cafe taste it was to say hello to jeremy and make him think i was on another shitty date. i’ve brought a few there and sometimes email ahead and say ok, we’re goin’ by lauren tonite. hahha.
my pick-up line was you seem like an arrogant prick (something like that, i’ll get the exact line for you) and i’m into that. felt like i would be pre-rejected so i went the route of insult. worked like a charm.
he was accosted by some chicks who tried to mug him outside the jcc and they said give us your wallet you curly haired fuck! funnier than just curly and not like we don’t already do tons of swearing around here.
the best date was going on behind us. best eavesdropping ever. the chick was telling the most annoying story and the dude (magnificent dork) wanted her so badly he hung off every word. they were sloshed. when she got up to use the john she so did a wine wobble on the cobblestones. when he got up to piss she declared more wine and he held out his arm and in slow mo says YOU HAVE TWISTED MY ARRRRRRM and turned his arm around. so good. in hindsight we should have joined them.
curly haired fuck is big on sweets. green light. this is the chocolate nut butter they created on accident and now it’s a regular dessert feature. high-end peanut butter cup and sugar free.
maybe blink should be the nickname. no that’s gay and yes ladies he’s fucking hot, saving you the redundant comments trouble. we only mess around with babes in these parts y’hear? consider this me pissing all over him.
this is the teeniest shirt ever, it was alicia‘s. size 2 so no i’m not that much of a blob. actually the other shirt i was dragging around was hers too.
the photo of me and josh on twitter garnered lots of views cos i titled it me and josh and i guess everyone thought josh was my new man friend, burn sorry, just a dog. human names for animals are endlessly funny.
way way way too early for this guy and i can never sleep right when i have a sleepover. guys pass right out and i am like staring holes into them for snoring so peacefully and i always get the wrong side of the bed. they wake up all refreshed (drunk still) oh hi there and i am bizarro world retarded bloodshot beautiful-eyed oh hi yeah yes yep up and at’em byeeee.
didn’t have envelopes yesterday for a deposit nor today after walking through this lovely welcoming party in flip flops. great. then i saw a baggy of blow on my street and of course ten billion crushed fucks.
i have a new purse on the way in the mail, a nice big one, once it arrives i’m going to start taking the olympus ’round with me. it’s too precious to shove into one of my dirthole bags. this bag and these shoes and this dress courtesy of lovely leslie. she thought i was too depressed (was) so she swooped in and shared the wealth.
so they razor shag the ends to make them more real even though it’s already real hair. each clip is twenty bucks and they last as long as you’re good to them.
popped over to redd hair studio to visit britt get her brain bleached out and wouldn’t you know it they fell in love with our hero so this saturday i’m getting my own special hair extensions, gratis. these are just two pieces clipped in the front. makes all the difference eh. mom hair straight to orange county.
shannon the owner is exclusive up the yin yang not to be a priss or anything (SO to be a priss) she does all the celebs and is a fucking hair genius, you can’t just call and ask for her you have to BE somebody. i love hair sponsorship. any and everything sponsorship really but hair is tops as it’s always growing and can get pretty pricey. she said my dad and i did a good job on my roots and she likes the colour.
my hair looks like my dad’s on a saturday morning in 1989 making scrambled eggs with cartoons blaring. my hair was doing all sorts of weird shit yesterday. i made my bangs like astroboy a lot. ab was feeling it. she was also really feeling eating a pickle from chels’ grilled cheese order. THIS PICKLE IS AWESOME. guy, you’re blasted hahaha.
ab said yesterday that being a server is equally high stress a job as an air traffic controller and when the body undertakes a mass amount of stress it sits in your middle and you get fat. makes sense.
yes! too dark to get a photo of the carpaccio i had, which was incredible. i pulled a houdini on the girls cos i didn’t want to drink anymore, i needed to consume but it could no longer be booze or food, not that i even drank that much. bleh. so i went to honest ed’s and spent 52 dollars which equals truckloads of crap.
met up with craig at the drake for carpaccio and a mimosa he’s like, oh how nice you biked all the way from paris. no, more like honest ed’s during a panic attack. what a killer weekend.
