nothing like waking up to cold coffee you stuck in the fridge the nite before, strong bodum coffee you left on the counter before leaving the house that day. my gym is open til 5 today so i’m blasting over there as soon as laundry finishes up i’ll toss it in the dryer try to fix my face into that of a cherub’s and not an i worked an all nighter then took an hour to fall asleep face. i feel less miserable today, yesterday was like a 9/10 of miserable. my own fault. i get really bratty when i feel like everyone else gets to go away and i’m left in the city on a long weekend. like i’m the only one here so i party as much as i would if i were outta dodge then i wake up hung in the city, not as fun as waking up hung at the cottage BUT at least in the city you have options in lieu of passive aggressive manners at someone’s cottage and your cottage booze bloat doesn’t go away until you land back home no matter what. inescapable.
this miserable shit happened to me last summer, and every summer of my life now that i think of it, just now it’s more pronounced cos it’s curtailing an insane period of balls to the wall single girl lifestyle. essentially i feel extremely isolated and exposed. i spend a lot of time alone but then i also get recognized all over town (whilst alone) then gawked at and emailed about it or made fun of for it (all over the internet) so it’s like i’m the loser in the playground kickin’ rocks with my hands in my pockets being like come on guuuuys! it fucks with your head just a little bit i know much of it has to do with shyness which no one believes i actually suffer from (ha suffer) but it’s true. i know i can fit in anywhere but unless some sort of red carpet is rolled out for me i just don’t show? i am a complex piece of shit. have fun with that.
i had some great customers last nite and was on my chatter game, great tips too. one was like are you drunk right now? no, i’m just an idiot and it’s strung out sunday. they liked that. i called them pisstanks, they liked that too then i got them calling pabsts shitty beers so every order we’ll have three shockers and four shitty beers please. they tipped me a cool hun then i traveled to the other side of the bar upstairs to another gong show party. you sort of get a contact drunk being around revelers, it’s nice, healthier and cheaper. gave me the idea that maybe i could actually like, stop drinking for once. which i plan on doing all week. suicide sober week i got no choice if i want to look good at wakestock this coming weekend though there’s caskapalooza on the fifth and a fancy three course dinner i have media for, taking melodie as my date. i’ll drink water. pfft ha. i’ll sip beer. sipping isn’t drinking. it doesn’t count.
it’s not that i am an addict (so am) i am just addicted to any and every single thing. i am a compulsive consumer because i am sad. if it’s not drugs it’s food if it’s not food it’s clothes if it’s not clothes it’s hair. i have a hole in my heart and it will never be sufficiently corked, not until i am a wife, that’s my story and i’m sticking to it.
can’t be bothered to rotate oh hey i am in desperate need of a new laptop and i don’t care what kind, i’ll even convert to mac. i’m not broke i just don’t want to dump a ton of money so if you are some sort of big wheel in the computer world please hook this a-hole up. laptops are cars are bloggers, kind of severely important. endless blog pluggin’ too yes? call me. i don’t want to start using my new camera until i have a new laptop cos d/ling pics onto this POS will just be a nightmare and part of why i have been phoning in posts as of late is because this guy bums me out so hard every time i fire it up. i should just wipe and reformat but that would require too much time, so many docs and photos to sort through i’d rather lie down in traffic.
britt had a mad hatter tea sangria party yesterday it was delicious i feelings’d ate her entire table and i didn’t have any tea either. i bawled a bit too. thanks for witnessing that everybody. britt says many would kill to have my life yeah well they can take the rest of my summer then and i’ll have my life back come autumn, no problem. true i am in pre-menses mode so everything is enhanced. mental mental mental.
i fucked up that part above the chain, chain guard, right. my right heel hooked and blammed it up so the peddles couldn’t peddle thank god for hand breaks if this happened with the tank bike i’d have died. i fixed it by myself because i am a lesbian now and only lesbian girls are handy. sometimes i have dreams that i am working at the hardware store still.
someone open the window and let the some of the self-absorption out please. jesus.
it’s kinda strange and hard having an “easy” life. or making it appear as such. people kinda let you be a shit show cos they expect it and then it happens and they’re like well them’s the breaks look they’re doing it or being that, pretty much par for the course. i’m kinda tired of being a kid all the time. absolutely sick of drinking. bored by it. still as fun as it is i know i’m just pouring booze all over my problems as a temporary solution and it’s all justified because my life is about fun and fun is about parties and parties are about wasted. shit cycle.
when you’re a magnetic force and smart you can pretty much do whatever you want, get whatever you want and that’s great but it can also be dangerous in a way. dangerously awesome? when i hang with casie it’s thrilling and electric and i know it’s going to end in nonsensical rambling drunkenness BECAUSE we are on top of our shit, can afford to be slightly fucked up fuck ups cos this social media racket is a bit of a joke in way, it’s still fresh and you’ll have it under your thumb for the next while until the next thing comes along to be dominated. this is why i think i have to call in some will power reinforcements when it comes to all the freebies (booze) cos there’s only going to be an ass ton more of that to come in the future.
we got last minute second city tickets because of what huge giant deals we are. well, were already on the gretzky’s patio and figured why not. it’s like ok we can get this now lets get a luxury aircraft painted gold, so easy smooth talkin’ criminal-like. it all sounds like bullshit when you talk about it to someone who has no idea about blogging or twitter or who cares, but then they see it in action and yeah, it’s a little crazy for sure. for sure. inviting you to things you’d have no business being at back in the day, events for elitist rich nobodies for example, but now they know you gotta be there too rollin’ with them and their bored boring faces because you’re the internet big wheel making their cogs go round holy crap dumbest metaphor but anyway the point of all this is i’m done dickin’ the dog it’s time for bootstraps to be pulled up and owning august.
PS – judging by the writing on the package you have the hand writing of a serial killer. Is that why you are laying low? Did you take a few people “out”. Is that why I never see the same people twice in your pictures?
not in hiding haha just ahh blah bleh. you can keep up on my bullshit via twitter though i’m frequently saying things i shouldn’t be over there.
i went to the gym yesterday for the first time in ever, unfroze my account, i’m done paying in september but can work out til march. fuck yeah.
finally also got my grandpa’s bike off fil and rode it around oh my god it’s like nite and day having gears, so speedy. can’t believe i’ve been suffering and torturing myself with my tank of a bike for years. which i left locked up by ginger’s place yesterday in the distillery. place bets on how long it takes me to collect it.
oh and i wear dumb old lady shorts now as well as lifeguard shorts i hope that’s fine with you.
granola city update:
mitzi’s ranks 4th so far. tops is easy’s then gladstone’s then drake’s. no wait i forget i have to think about this more. i’m hung from work last nite. shots forever. it was a good nite. empty city on a long weekend very mass exodus everyone forgot about us. curly haired fuck and i are hanging out, he is obsessed with finding some polarized sunglasses. the jerk is going to panama next week. i wanna go away so bad.
hello frenemies. i have not been on the back of a bike in a very long time. once you have the cow and all the milk for free you can kinda just send it out to pasture no? i stopped enjoying being taken outfor bike rides and then started getting really nervous, one time i squeezed fil’s ribs so hard on the qew i practically bruised them. we got off and he turned around and asked if i was nervous or something, oh, you could tell? well anyway, yesterday i re-learned that i really like sittin’ on the back of those things crouched over like a fucking monkey and i look pretty good too. you should try it.
there’s nervous parts like when you accidentally get on the highway i picture dying a thousand times and being run over by every single vehicle behind us (dad you should stop reading) while at the same time you’re like freeeeeeeeedom.
i kind of got super fucking sick of telling you how miserable i am so i decided to share it in real life instead. my new buddy stu who lives across the street from us was like do you write about it in this way cos it’s kind of beautiful. no, i don’t unfortunately, i write about it exclusively in this annoying manner that’s just like oh come on! anyway i decided to take a mini blog break not that anybody noticed except those who hate me.
dad wants me to move to burlington. fat fucking chance. i do have a great time when i’m here but the best part of burlington is that i get to leave burlington. and then come back. dad if we had a pool i’d consider it. also a better computer not my old POS laptop.
holy shit i have a lot of photos stacked up i’m behind on. this is sunday night on mark’s condo rooftop. gorgeous view all around and hilarious scene of other condo owners drinking their booze remnants. americans need to experience a few sundays in a row in canada when the lcbo closes and everyone gets desperate. i wonder if we’d all be raging alcoholics if we had liquor access 24/7 every day of the week? or would we like, be normal?
the family had a yard sale that turned into drinking party. wicked. i slunk home and was like oh great they get to see this walk of shame, went up to my room got a pile of vintage dresses and brought them down. one sold and it wasn’t even vintage, nor my dress, it was casie‘s she gave me after the mtv party so i didn’t have to go home in that peach berserk dress. it got 4 dollars and it was a nerdy dress anyway. i’ll buy you a box of cereal casie and then i will eat it all myself. none of us are eating right now anyway cos of wakestock next weekend, speaking of which you can get ticket discounts using our blog promo code whatever that is like i pay attention to things what where am i, burlington?
password: partygirl limited time offer dudes. 3 day pass! collingwood. wakestock. public enemy! mEEEEE! jocks. sluts. bathingsuits. fights. blackout drunk. killer!
easy’s granola. tastier than drake’s but heavier. they don’t have mimosas but they have vodka for their caesars, so get them to make you a screwdriver with their amazing fresh oj then you won’t have to kill yourself.
craig and i have been pals since i was 19. he is kind of super irritating but in a comforting way? he’s friends with mark. this is about the time we were getting kicked out.
matching white shoes (reason for weird embrace shot) i hope he goes hipster cos he kind of dresses like a total doofus some of the time but he gets away with it cos he’s a normal guy in the i don’t care category. he doesn’t really “get” the whole white shoes thing right now, meanwhile he wears crocs. so…
saturday’s shitshow was unnecessary. i shoulda just went home. lesson learned. niagara street cafe is a black hole that sucks you in, hours feel like minutes. i stole that off kat’s twitter feed. way true.
i always overpack when i come out here and then i end up going shopping. i essentially come out here to lose weight via tanning. tan. go shopping. watch tv with my dad. and dye my hair, which i will attempt once i fire this post out. i am super unhappy about that hairpin, too thick for my fine little hair, they fall out of my head then i walk by a mirror and see hair sticking straight out.
i went to salvation army to find a jacket even though i have fifty appropriate ones at home. no jackets were found so i wore my dad’s vintage stoner levi’s one. i used to wear this all time as a teenager. it is pristine. oh i just remembered i left a 20 in the pocket.
aha cool timing randy pulling up behind me. i thought my dad was going to be really nervous about us going out for a cruise like he was when fil and i would, i was half-dissappointed that he wasn’t.
anyway it was a good time. i wasn’t dying inside like he was worried about. we’ve been chatting awhile and basically don’t care if we date or not he just wanted to meet me because of my hilarious profile. i killed my account in the middle of a thousand pending retards wanting to hook up. done with internet fuckers. his friends are all awaiting my blog review too. ughhhhhhh. damned if i do damned if i don’t. if i don’t say things assumptions get made. if i DO say things ten billion more assumptions get made. maybe i should just start meeting women off the internet instead hahaha.
stu and trish and the rest of my sunday evening. trish and i went to elementary school together FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME. stu lives across my street. we went to some bar i forget the name of but is below whatever party we were at thursday nite (this week has been retarded, fully) and then the beauties guy showed up and i was like hey i’m the girl in your video the one with the ass musta been fun going through that footage hey?
ginger too. my dad says his buddy bob has a theory about red heads. they have anger, moreso than the rest of us. um, can i get some scientific data on that please?
+++
and now for the entire reason of my coming out of blog-hiding, my mom is driving me up the wall about this photo contest she’s in and deserves to win because she actually captures oakville on the daily, loves, lives, breathes oakville with her camera meanwhile some other dicks are in the lead for email-blasting their shots of themselves out so do me this solid and vote for Tracey W please christ so she can stop emailing me about it. here’s one of the shots:
she’s got tons more you can click on to get to the top of the pile but i feel these two are already winning so they may as well receive the brunt of your clicks. she has many more photos to see and vote for that are pretty epic, i’m awful proud of her photography skills even though she thinks i’m not. if she wins she will take me shopping and i will film/cover it all for you to see just how insane life with my mom actually is, the blowhans of blogging if you will.
ever heard of a little band called public enemy? they’ll be there. epic. shit man. starvation diet starts tomorrow, gonna be in a ‘kini all weekend long. orange county tan here i come. i bet i won’t have to tan once in the coming winter months i’m already pretty fuckin’ blazed.
so you know this red light district isn’t happening eh. cool work volvo, very smart campaign you sneaky punks let me test drive a car. or do a shitty burlesque solo tomorrow nite at your night of naughty party.
um speaking of party, i think i’m taking a party break from now til wakestock.
last nite was hip hop nite at work and i almost got punched in the face by a crush fucked skidlet smoking a cigarette inside. awesome.
sometimes i miss weed. i miss how i wrote stoned. looking back on the haze of the last several fucking months of my ganj career i marvel at how i was ever able to churn out blog posts pre-mj but then i remembered it was due to hung fumes, where everything is funny cos you’re drunk still and i’d just blog til i ran out of steam and was no longer capable of making myself laugh.
so the moral of this is i have to get back on the sauce again hardcore supreme if i want to save this shit show blog? no wait i discovered the cure for marijiuana, it rhymes with spokane. ha haha ugh. kidding jeez sorry.
brosz7 and i on the ferry, i sooo hate when it loops to hanlan’s from ward’s before hitting the city i get super duper crabby and impatient and all the small talk we make is totally forced sorry for faking it guys but in my head i am machine gunning the sky with rage bolts of lightning.
yesterday i received an overwhelming amount of nasty comments and it bummed me out. normally it just bounces off my heart and i’m like oh well but yesterday i felt especially sensitive, vulnerable? you guys are mean as shit eh. what did i do to you? i biked like mad to loblaws at queen’s quay happy with my bravery decision to go solo to the island for the first time this summer, i get to the supermarket to buy my beach snacks and then i check my blackberry emails and there’s 20 asshole comments waiting for me. i sat on the stairs and went through them and my heart raced and i looked up and felt like shit, felt like everybody around me in loblaws was feeling the same awful things being said about me, hated it. getting a little out of hand these days it really is. i am just trying to get through my stupid fucking life here why the need to stomp all over me?
people get more aggressive with me when there’s a change, i think that’s it. they see a free bird and they want to shoot it down. sometimes i wonder if i was a man blogger would i be harassed so awfully?
no one ever thought i was good enough for my ex. then we split and they’re like stupidest fucking move ever. now that i am dating for the first time in my fucking life that’s not allowed either. would it please you if i just sat in a room doing nothing forever then? or just laid down and fucking died? WHAT DO YOU ASSHOLES WANT FROM ME? back to boring housewife basics? cos even then you were railroading the crap out of me.
i am an eccentric being. i am different. DEAL WITH IT OR ELSE LEAVE. beast said it’s cos i paint myself as this flake here and in real life i am nothing like that, i’m sweet and kind and loving and generous but you forget all that when people are scream pound typing about how much of a fucking train wreck you are. come back when i’m 30 then we’ll talk about how much of a train wreck i am. i’ve had a rough year, lots and lots of changes, and last i checked i’m pretty sure i’m allowed to do whatever the hell i want.
i refuse to accept that consistent harassment comes with the territory of being a blogger. that shit’s not right and shouldn’t be allowed to fly anymore. how can it be policed? seriously it’s so disgusting it makes me so angry i feel like if i were to ever be face to face with one of these nimrods i’d end up in jail. i fantasize that the po po would be on my side, i’d be all guy, i gave them irish sunglasses because they’ve been torturing my ass for years and the cop would be like here is my baton finish them off.
matt said he was so tanked once coming off the ferry he tripped and fell on his face in front of everyone HAHHAHAHabsahahahaah i died laughing at that one. i would pay five hundred dollars to go back in time to see that happen again.
so once i was on the ferry i started texting everyone i know to see if there were any beach joiners. i learned that i have one friend only yesterday and it’s this polack. i made smalltalk with a customer about this and she was like not true, everyone else was at work. ok fine i have ONE unemployed friend only. basically i need new hobbies or new friends. no, i need more direction in my life. what i actually need is a new laptop so i’ll be motivated and inspired to sit down and finish my book then i can get that sweet fucking signing bonus then i can fly away and be somebody. i guess i’m just used to being in a relationship and all the activities that come along with that fill up your time, normal shit, but when single everything seems outlandish cos you’re doing everything solo or with a different buddy every time when really it’s no different than if you were hanging with your signif other constantly.
bought a hobo-sized thing of tequila and poured some in a dasani orange-flavoured water bottle.
ok that’s it for the raymi times today. time to wash my hair and collect my bike from the market. it was pissing last nite and we all ambled to a house party. bumped into trish had a gas. two rounds of booze delivery took place. everyone danced with their shirts off and the nite ended with a beatles guitar scream sing-a-long. saw a dude get hit by a cab, he was alright but flew a few yards and it made a crazy bang noise. ran up to gawk but felt immediately sketched out by the pack of dudes all fighting about it.
First of all, I’ll just say that I’ve read your blog for years and think it’s great. It can be funny and heartbreaking and endearing and honest, not to mention great publicity for all the restaurants and hangouts around the city. I wouldn’t know about half the places around here if you hadn’t haunted them first.
Anyway, what I’m really writing to talk about is: boobs. I myself am tiny tiny, not just chest-wise but all over, like you. I know you’ve acknowledged all that time that you’re pretty flat and I just wanted to say (as weird as it may sound) I think it’s awesome. I’m not self-conscious or insecure about being flat in the least, you don’t have to wear a bra, they’ve got a longer shelf life (ba dum tsshh!) when you get older, and you get to look like an adorable teenager instead of someone’s mom. Plus I’m pretty short so big boobs would just make me look shorter or stockier. But no matter how comfortable you are with your own body, and no matter how many hits from guys you get, there are still people who try and make you feel self-conscious, for whatever reason. I work with a bunch of guys and a lot of them make comments. Even other girls do it. And then a lot of times you see things like the Sunshine Girl, who can have a face like roadkill or the personality of a rock but if she’s got big tits then she’s hot. So when I read your blog and you’re walking around in tiny tanktops and bathing suits looking completely gorgeous then it’s just like Finally! Someone who doesn’t give a shit and is comfortable wearing whatever they want because it all looks good.
So, I guess, thank you? for being flat-chested? I don’t know if that even means anything, it’s not like you made the decision to be flat, but I guess I’m thanking you for embracing it and being beautiful and making me feel a little braver.
Emelie
oh look i’m in the fashion blues video for the beauties. look for my puma shirt, short shorts and long hair, i’m a butt shaking dance maniac. at :25 you see the back of my hair standing by the bar. at :55 you see the drake owner beckoning to me and i look cranked and cute to all fuck, doing my signature goony smile. at 1:06 you see my cute butt wiggle. at 1:12 you see my dance punching moves. at 1:50 my butt wiggle again. there’s probably more raymi cameos but i’m getting crow’s feet from squinting too hard so look for them yourselves.
met up at cadillac for the neil youngins, wasn’t feeling it so cafe taste it was to say hello to jeremy and make him think i was on another shitty date. i’ve brought a few there and sometimes email ahead and say ok, we’re goin’ by lauren tonite. hahha.
my pick-up line was you seem like an arrogant prick (something like that, i’ll get the exact line for you) and i’m into that. felt like i would be pre-rejected so i went the route of insult. worked like a charm.
he was accosted by some chicks who tried to mug him outside the jcc and they said give us your wallet you curly haired fuck! funnier than just curly and not like we don’t already do tons of swearing around here.
the best date was going on behind us. best eavesdropping ever. the chick was telling the most annoying story and the dude (magnificent dork) wanted her so badly he hung off every word. they were sloshed. when she got up to use the john she so did a wine wobble on the cobblestones. when he got up to piss she declared more wine and he held out his arm and in slow mo says YOU HAVE TWISTED MY ARRRRRRM and turned his arm around. so good. in hindsight we should have joined them.
curly haired fuck is big on sweets. green light. this is the chocolate nut butter they created on accident and now it’s a regular dessert feature. high-end peanut butter cup and sugar free.
maybe blink should be the nickname. no that’s gay and yes ladies he’s fucking hot, saving you the redundant comments trouble. we only mess around with babes in these parts y’hear? consider this me pissing all over him.
this is the teeniest shirt ever, it was alicia‘s. size 2 so no i’m not that much of a blob. actually the other shirt i was dragging around was hers too.
the photo of me and josh on twitter garnered lots of views cos i titled it me and josh and i guess everyone thought josh was my new man friend, burn sorry, just a dog. human names for animals are endlessly funny.
way way way too early for this guy and i can never sleep right when i have a sleepover. guys pass right out and i am like staring holes into them for snoring so peacefully and i always get the wrong side of the bed. they wake up all refreshed (drunk still) oh hi there and i am bizarro world retarded bloodshot beautiful-eyed oh hi yeah yes yep up and at’em byeeee.
didn’t have envelopes yesterday for a deposit nor today after walking through this lovely welcoming party in flip flops. great. then i saw a baggy of blow on my street and of course ten billion crushed fucks.
i have a new purse on the way in the mail, a nice big one, once it arrives i’m going to start taking the olympus ’round with me. it’s too precious to shove into one of my dirthole bags. this bag and these shoes and this dress courtesy of lovely leslie. she thought i was too depressed (was) so she swooped in and shared the wealth.
so they razor shag the ends to make them more real even though it’s already real hair. each clip is twenty bucks and they last as long as you’re good to them.
