Hello! For Christmas my gift to you is a blog post and in it I will discuss our favourite person: me. I’ll try not to complain or say anything too mental.
The images I’ll be using will be a varietal ongoings-blend of the last month cos lawrdy know, I is behind. If you’ve seen some of these pics already before I don’t care (already a lie, I SO care) because they need to be on my blog for the newbies.
I was freezing during this shoot. If only it was as warm that day as it is today. It’s climate change times like these that comfort me and my lack of reproductioning cos by the time my kid is an adult the whole world will be a goddamn swimming pool.
Creepy outtake I liked.
On way to Ho Ho to. Still need to blog that too. I’m covering my nose cos sometimes I fantasize about it not being there and how much prettier I would be at all times. I don’t even care how pathetic and narcissistic that makes me sound. We get one face and we have to deal with it our entire lives.
Not only frozen to death I was also hung af. Went to a big party the night before and also had a shoot the day before. When I push myself I can get it done but the aftermath fatigue is something very real. But that’s my life and I made my own bed.
Having this shit on my face at Grand Electric was amusing. You talk to people and kind of have to act like you aren’t aware of the intergalactic insanity smeared on your eyes and they also play the game along with, ignoring the pink elephant too. People in Toronto don’t offer up personal things to strangers because it’s like, please stop trying to tell me about your life. I pointed at my chest (self) and declared, “photoshoot today” then felt like a total loser so after that I just acted like the makeup’s not there. So NOW I’m an idiot who wears eccentric warrior makeup and that’s my thing.
The only Joe Fresh who took this bait was Joe Fresh Korea. I’ll take it!
Did you ever hear about Pedro the old ass seagull who was my friend for an entire afternoon at Wasaga beach and 100% because I fed him a medium sized thing of mcdonald’s french fries? We have many family photos of this bird that spent the day with me, even sat on the blanket hahahha. I was solo cos my brother was old enough by this point not to be dragged to all that family road trip shit. In the photos on the beach blanket, you can see all these nerdy books I was reading at the time too and my journal. NERD ALERT. You probably knew this story already because you know everything about me.
Enough about me for two seconds. Booboodoodoo is back in my life again. With another booboodoodoo (a son!) good times dudes. She’s a partner in a new venture (a bar called Swan Dive please follow them on twitter!) and I’m going to be bartending there wee-hoo. Located at 1631 Dundas St w, Swan Dive is an ecclectic scene a la “Grandma goes to the disco” says Bechnique. Peep their Instagram too and follow thank you! They are open for NYE and if I were in town I’d be ‘tending but you should go anyway cos there’s no cover.
I die.
Just totally perfect. I thanked Rebecca for this “mother experience” yesterday. Found him a high chair on the street nd carried it back to Swan Dive for them it was so lesbian. I was dressed like a lumberjack cholo as well.
The showcase will be filled with oddities. We repeated the word oddities numerous times after that because fun.
Hardware store was fun and funny. There were xmas trees on display and Rebecca would say do you want to see the christmas? Look it’s the Christmas. You get to reform language with children it’s best.
On Monday did’er up at Addisons rez for the agave tequila party. I have to blog that too.
How could you even concentrate on playing me with my hair doing things like that to you?
Saw Hunger Games 2 nights ago. Loved it. I want Jenna Malone to have a crush on me.
I was on the phone with Lizzy walking home last night saw this house was like yo I gotta take a picture of this I have to go. Demon vintage cat!
Toronto is amazing. Can we come in and see your storage facilities just curious where you put all this crap inside.
Watched 3d A Christmas Carol, the Jim Carrey one. Did not know it even existed. Naturally I was mindblown.
The state of the table after eating was so funny. I’ll share later. not even the baby’s fault at all. Pho is messy cos you’re eating soup with chopsticks hello!!!
Dan Levy and I at hohoto. Getting the timing right and trying not to look fug makes for zany photobooth pics. I love and cherish them. I haven’t even looked at our own personal reel of pics from the night, I made Rob get pics from the outside through the curtain at us and he said those ones are amazing.
Twas a very good night and YES I’ll be covering it on Raymi Toronto. I blew my load on a different post the other night that’s the cue to be posted yet bla bla blah etc you don’t care. Do you want to compare To Do lists? Omg what an idea for a book. Famous People’s (or normal people’s) to do lists. From grandiose dreams, to mundane shopping items. Seeing the ongoing crap that Kimye does (vineyard) to other future projects. I would basically read anything about anyone at any time.
Okay now we are talking.
Raspberry liqeur night oh what fun hahah. I ate a million clementines.
The next slew of shots I roll out will be from this shoot. Yes I am the worst.
Sometimes my spirit animal is Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman when she wears her spectacles all trainwrecked and her eyebrows are scarily off-set in shadow, kind of like mine. We all have celebs we secretly convince ourselves we are as hot as. Oh fuck I have so many delusions don’t even get me going.
Party injury. Wasn’t my fault someone did it to me.
When I was a pensive bunny. Preschool terrifed me to be honest I think my brain was still developing. I was like who are these people and WHAT is going on? I was so shy I had no voice. I remember getting scolded and viewing the teachers as 80’s cruel. This is a picture of me judging everyone.
I started bikini modeling young, in Florida. Why the hell is this my bathing suit mom? Lol!!! I didn’t know how to swim yet I remembered being scared of this pool. We threw rocks in it too and my dad had to swim in to get them. Shawn and I have ALWAYS been giant assholes.
Mocha was the best. Is someone cutting an onion in here? This is probably the first day of Preschool, second year? My style has been rock solid from the get-go.
I am smiling because we had been beating the shit out of each other for an hour on the grass and it was super fun we got grass stains on our brand new jogging pants knees and got in trubs cos after Nana’s we went to our other grandparents and these were our back to school clothes lol. normally I wouldn’t smile cos I didn’t get the whole posing prettily concept or being aware of being photographed and it made me very uncomfortable.
Can you believe I remember this moment? I remember everything about that day. I was kind of scared of Santa here and I didn’t understand why it was Christmas in July to the point of my parents being like give it a rest Lauren! But why is Santa here right now? Why don’t more people know about this??? I was so inquisitive always asking questions could never enjoy anything because I had to know. Meanwhile Shawn is chill as a pill.
Obviously I got screwed over with a bumper boat that only went in circles for my whole turn. I was PISSED.
Shawn was the cute one. I came from Fraggle Rock. Also one of my nicknames. :(((( hahahha.
Everyone told me to scram after this cos I am a girl. Thanks you’ve been great have a wonderful holiday with your loved ones and to the solo peeps out there, I got you!
She tastes purtier than she looks. update: got the melon liquer open and drank it on the couch while watching marc maron stand up comedy it was hilaaaarious.
Hello Dings. Hello Dongs. I’m here today to talk to you about Star Wars The Force Awakens. I will not spoil anything for you (I might though, to be fair) here. I use to review movies way back when on my blog, out of (pain) pleasure and sometimes out of payment plus pleasure. My reviews typically revolved around all the things that pissed me off in the movie theatre along with hair-brained opinions of my own, as well as differing ones that always drove me up the wall and makes for great blog fodder.
I’m putting this post on RTM instead of Raymi Toronto cos I want raymitheminx to get all the glory although the potential of it going viral (getting picked up) would be something good for RTDot but I have had this bout of writer’s block this week blergh blah so I need to exercise my mind in a less stringent environment, which would clearly be here.
I’m going to get this part out of the way first. The part that super-ensured I review this movie at all because of all the haters posting about how much they allegedly “don’t care” about Star Wars very much proves otherwise. Oh yeah, you don’t? Cos I see you big time caring over there in actuality. You’re POSTING ABOUT IT. You remind me of me trashing on the world cup cos I never bloody ever watched it. Guess what happened when I watched it? BOOM. Bandwagon. With me on board. Every single person ranting about Star Wars HASN’T EVEN SEEN IT YET. And. It’s not like I am even a Star Wars superfan or anything here because I’m 100% certain I passed out cold at the last Star Wars movie I saw in theatres I am way on the fence with this one residing firmly in the middle between utter boredom and okay fine I’ll see it only cos the tickets are free and everything else is that I will be consuming as well as I got five t-shirts as xmas gifts for my loved ones lol.
Moreover. I cannot stand people who act as though they are more-evolved than others for shunning a widely loved and recognized movie. It’s just ONE THING people. Can you not let people see it and then move on with your life? It didn’t become a thing until I saw lots of people (myself included) sharing their cinema photos posing in front of the Star Wars sign en masse like we know it’s a dorky joke and that’s why we are doing it. Really, that PISSES YOU OFF SO MUCH? To see nerds happy? You think you’re evolved? Sorry. Nerds are the evolved ones. Let them have this. Go back to your nasty too cool for school hovels, preaching this that and the other sanctimonious shit like no other day then. You’re hypocritical AF cos when you post about something you love, wouldn’t you lose your mind if someone posted all this OMG SO BORING shit all over it?
This popcorn made me crazy fyi, and the pop. I just had too much. After the movie waiting for my friend outside I was having a panic attack. Going to the movies is no easy feat, especially downtown Toronto on a Friday afternoon. Going into public spaces with crowds is going against everything I stand for so I get that anxiety is another reason why the haters are hating too. All my old movie reviews revolve around someone sneezing and it thwarting me into WWIII of the mind and god have mercy on the soul of the (any) person sitting behind me who so much as grazes the back of my seat. All reasons to NOT go to the cinema. You know what I finally discovered was a big helper in watching movies in a giant room full of noise-making strangers? Drunk movie watching. Pop one or two back and you will not care about ANY sound nor even be aware of it in the theatre but go in there as a c__t, on-edge type and you only have yourself to blame.
Now. Here are the FUN REASONS why you should go to a star wars premiere with a bunch of nerds. Every time someone tripped up the stairs beside me here, green shirt guy had a trip count and would announce to that person which number they were who had tripped right on that spot. Also. Light sabers kept going off accidentally. They were provided by the company Nimble Storage who did a presentation for us which resulted in free popcorn pops and t-shirts as previously mentioned. It was MY light saber that went off during the presentation from being nudged on the floor and it would not turn off, was extremely humiliating and the guys behind me had to deal with it. Which was a lesson to be learned prior to movie screening as there is nothing scarier than nerd rage during movie-interruptus. I would not let that thing near me for the movie at all.
My legs killed from taking the stairs tbh another reason I felt a bit green after the movie (they were shaking on me) I had no energy left Star Wars sucked it out of me paying all that attention haha. Look at ALL the lazies who took the escalator up ha ha.
Might wanna remove that coming soon portion.
I wanted to take a few more to use for a photoshoot but people were getting greedy clutching 3 per person so I was like nahhh.
This pile quickly disappeared.
Then the horrible part happened when I had to give up the seat beside me cos the guy on the end had hoarded so much shit he had no room and I kinda snapped at him yo bro move your things, make room why should I give up MY extra seat? I lost. He pretended he didn’t speak english anymore what a guy anyway, the bro who sat beside me was decent and we chatted throughout until we were both less lost in what was unfolding in the movie. SPOILER ALERT “Is that the new R2D2?” “Yeah I guess so” then later on R2D2 appears lol. Neither of us knew when the last Star Wars actually was but it doesn’t matter cos they string it together for any idiot to understand and the leading girl isn’t famous AF yet so it’s not distracting.
My new shirt and yours too if you’re one of my special guys. I rate Star Wars 4/5. If I didn’t go, and before I went, I’d be like omg whatever. But I went and so here we are. I look fwd to seeing Hunger Games next week something I’ll like a million times more. Okay peace.
“My colleague showed up and I could hear him for ten minutes prior to him sticking his head in my room. I’m a voyeur like the rest and best of ’em too I guess. It was just kind of funny because it was torturous as I could not move from this chair lol.”
Hello hello HELL OH. Lets see. Write a list of things that are pissing me off right now OR go into blogzilla mode and write ding dong poetry like I have been intending to for days along with these awesome visuals. I really need to turn off devices, unplug, disengage. Do it up right like I always did before here. Shut out the haters. The hater does not exist and don’t feed the trolls. It’s goals goals goals. If I told you all “what is really going on” rn you would understand. I throw myself into art because it’s what I like to do and it is the only thing that saves me in the end. The only thing that is good in all of this dog shit and turmoil. Art is what drives and inspires me. I get too caught up in the the tornado I whip up around me at all times and I turn my back on my art. For shame!
Gabby and I had a great shoot on Saturday. Angie was and is a pro you’ll see as we go I’m sure you’ve cruised my IG account already anyway and seen them. I’m going to swing by Richard Freedman‘s soon and check out the rest he does great work! What my leg looks like in this photo is not up for discussion either. Bodyshaming is outdated asf and you don’t get to be part of this world if you act that way. Negativity trips people up so badly and is used as a force to do exactly that. I don’t respect people who do this and I don’t react very well to FUCKING ASSHOLES fyi. Get people who actually want to listen to you, cos I’m telling you it sure asf is not me.
My shoot on Sunday with Kane and John was a literal breeze. I was frozen asf. I pushed it to the limit this weekend but I sure asf got results so pardon my insanity at the mo. Running your own brand takes a lot out of you. If I actually laid out my mass-daily communications out for you from all the networking, planning, and scheduling that I do, checking in with my inner circle and my own researching and writing plus all the hours I piss away on social media combined with those few moments where I actually get a second for myself and mental clarity wherein I come up with a new good idea and then get the gears in motion to put it to fruition all the while riding my phone and more messages with people that come at the cost of “being popular” and that’s not said in an arrogant way it’s just a bold fact. Trust me. I know not all circles are open to me and that’s totally okay because I am too busy working with new talent, people, artists, those who are positive and inspired and want to work with me. I have woken up and I get it now. We do not work with NO people here.
I have an impatient, frenzied, impatient demeanour about me when I get this way. When I feel like an elastic band stretched too thin. Because I feel in a hurry. The other day I had a revelation about it all and I will tell you about it.
Other than the fact that I am done pleasing other people. I remembered this Lady Gaga interview I saw where she is SO CALM speaking in it. The polar opposite of me. I was struck when I first saw this particular interview (I will try and find it for you guys) by how eerily slow she spoke and I found it almost to be, a put-on, because come on it’s gaga we’re talking about here. I’m going to picture her sitting in that chair in her slow, calculated, fashion next time I am manic running my mouth off a mile a minute and slow down. She was actually fatigued at the point of the interview and was speaking this way to keep her decorum and sustain her energy whereas when I am burnt-out I amp it up and speaking extra-fast. This also seems to coincide with people pushing my buttons on all fronts, which is why I am doing a gradual skimming, phasing out thing. Anyway that’s my relevation and share about it. It’s important to recognize when things are pissing you off and people are driving you crazy and to do something about it. I know that people are determined to destroy me, it is fact. For jealousy, for sport, I don’t know why. It’s repugnant.
I’m happy with the amateur shots I will be totally thrilled by the pro ones. I’ve been dying to work with Angie Feret for ages now. Finally it happened.
The concept for this was girl pile and I wanted us all in matching looks, like triplets. With clompy black hoof-like shoes. Some men on FB were like what about bare feet? What about them? This concept is not up for discussion, it’s not our problem you have a foot fetish. Have artistic suggestions all you want, but, actually no. You’re not the director. End of story. You were not on-set. This was not your idea. This is OUR baby. When you talk to your television does it respond? Computer is acting up have to cut this short ttyl shower time sexcellent.
Not to sound like a super old white man but boy do I miss the old days sometimes. Its 1:30pm. By now, several years ago I would have had two awesome blog posts up and 4,000 blog views to show for it. By midnight I’d be at 9k. Had I known the internet and my life would turn my brain to swiss cheese like so I might have relaxed a bit on the social media front. I am gently to greatly trying to undo those bad habits. We will begin at technological then gradually coast into chemical. Winkity wink. My phone in short, is driving me crazy. Mass-communications. I’m in a loop.
I am pretty sure my Detroit friends will love and hate my blog title. A lot of people ask me “Why Detroit?” I spend a week each month there. I went for my sixth time and got back yesterday. What’s up with Detroit? -aside, and why do I go there. I mean I see myself as this vagabond type who “sometimes does things”. This day in age, I am completely wrong as stated before about how no one stops and reflects anymore, cos people have always stopped and reflected on me and when it happens in droves it can overwhelm me. When I see those who drive me insane on purpose doing it together from different avenues I fucking explode. Which is happening now to be frank.
It comes with online popularity exposure obsession. You get disgusted with yourself too. I got to a point last night in bed where I was like okay I am going to DO ALL THIS GOOOOOD. Creatives go to the brink and back again. I made this ranty Facebook post yesterday, I did it to myself, although and to be honest I was expecting to be ignored. As usual! I just wanted to say it then run away from it but then “it got all these likes” which means absoloutely nothing other than a personal triumph that people maybe sometimes need. Then the playa haters came out and chimed in. I just want to be an artist and yeah, only get nice feedback. I want to say this is an orange and have people agree that it’s an orange. Just let me share, is that cool? So the chopping block came out and unfriending has begun. Instead of feeling like shit about it I am feeling great. I’m going to go back to sharing my amazing life and trip to Detroit now though.
Before I forget, here is a 16 year rtm anniversary montage RSSR put together for me thx buddy and thx to all fer sticking by me all these years here’s to sixteen more and to flying cars.
Maybe I should have put pants on for this photo and saved myself the headache. I liked how it was the only photo I took where I liked my face, the lighting of it and my hair was pretty blond. I was mid-changing. This is how my life happens and how I document it, I don’t think about it or plan a way to buck the system.
Lizzy planned a surprise bday for her dad so we went to Windsor for the grand affair. We got balloons done up and some party crap for the table and dad to wear. Lizzy ordered and had made an epic cake too. These are Lady Gaga glasses we couldn’t figure out why they were so bloody cool. Then I noticed the decal on the side. Oh. Right. Reminded me of the pink paint I wore for Theatre Bizarre’s night 2.
Ghetto Recorders Studios used to be housed behind me here. Sacred ground. Sometimes you just got to throw down an MJ pose in some steam to give thanks. Thanksgiving week afterall.
Had a super lovely brunch at Townhouse. Detroit is such a holiday experience for me because Lizzy always orders for us. I don’t have to make decisions. I mean sometimes I do yes. I appreciate dining with foodies who make all the right calls.
This was cheese night. Oh we went there. Talkin’ Limburger, a citrus ginger asiago (meh), I forget the others you can look on my FB if you super want to know. I wore my prom dress for the occasion. It looks slinkier on me now than it did when I was 18 it’s basically like wearing a drape that’s a shift you could be pregnant and look amaze in it. We are drinking Malbec if you must know.
Then I destroyed the universe when I walked by this tiny car.
I’m going to amp up my cardio and aerobics. Use the pool. I want to get toned. Goals goals goals.
Raymes Bond.
Detroit Tigers what’s up.
Pizza party night.
Yep I’m that guy.
No trip to the D is complete w/o visiting Doc. Brought him his fav drink too. Squirt and Tequila. Yes it’s true I would not let the word squirt go for a good 5 minutes or so. Squirt is grapefruit-based. Which is kinda pee tastey not that I drink pee but it’s an acquired sharp taste sometimes like blechhhhhhhhhhh enough. Um. Yeah.
Sometimes it feels fruitless to humble brag about shit my audience wont care about or know about. Anyway. I was asked to flash the crowd (camera flash not tits) for the videographer filming Marc Houle’s set. He’s a BIG DEAL in Europe. Straight outta Windsor. This was at TV lounge we went right from the train over the border to Detroit. I changed on the train. All so exciting. Every time I photographed the crowd they all raised their arms for me now I know why dj’s feel like messiahs. Minxed about vip asf up there it was our one big night out.
Detroit has so much amazing WTF. One could classify it as a cold New Orleans. Oooooooooooooooh-wheeeeee they gon’ love this!
A Pure Detroit store is housed in the Guardian Building. Which is an Aztec, art-deco inspired grandiosity of a structure. This is where my Detroit City shirt came from and you get a free coffee when you buy it. The city of Detroit gives love to all fellow vendors and really pumps the economy there this is why the art scene is booming, etc.
Life is all about balance.
TV lounge photoshoot. My first nights in Detroit are always a bit batty, wild, fun, where the heck am I? I meet a lot of Canadians in Detroit.
Gaga glasses.
White Stripes did their first two albums behind me here. Jack White chatted up Lizzy last week at Gold Cash Gold. Nice nice.
LG did an awesome blend that she smeared all over this chicken while in her lingerie. I smashed the sesame seeds for her with that mortar and pestle. I was not in lingerie though I was probably dressed like hot garbage which is lingerie to some.
Spotted in Windsor. Obviously French.
Lots of dope shit in #Detroit like the Heidelberg Project where this artist took an entire neighbourhood and constructed the most insane installations plot by plot and people come from worldwide to see it. This is just one of many constructions I captured for ya.
Yesterday afternoon. Turrah!
The Guardian Building is so opulant. I don’t know how I feel about Christmas this year. It’s going to be a crazy asf month.
I thought these were stolen when we stayed at The Sheraton. They weren’t. My superhero boots. I put them on and pranced around like a clompy giraffe with no actual prancing, are these too much? Yes. Very much so and very much so aren’t coming off.
Sometimes you just got to toast yo damn self.
Eat chicken in bed.
The two L’s.
Brunch was delightful.
Lovely.
Hahha.
Can you tell we have a fun time? Why Detroit? This is why. Because ding dong.
This store doesn’t have the shot glass I’ve been eyeing for Johnny. Ughhhh.
Another Heidelberg Project house. TTYL everyone it’s quittin’ time tootle-ooh to be continued.
Raymi is the name of a character in a book i’m dragging thru the mud, she’s this little vixen bitch whose real young and welp, does everything a minx does, y’know.
It’s called ‘the last minx’ , the book.
My friend and I are making it into a comicbook series as well, which is fun, but we’re real lazy and have all this talent but we like to sleep lots and do stoopid things like drink pop and try on ugly clothes at the salvation Army.
I bought this awesome Chocolate coloured velvet jacket for $6. I walk around pretending i’m Jarvis Cocker and when people ask me questions i look over their shoulders into space and drawl my words.
I was going to copy and paste more but those posts are wickedly embarrassing too so I won’t bother. I’ve lost a lot of photos over the years I didn’t ever back up too, stupidly. I’ll just share some other oldies with you now for a laugh.
Just, you know, doing a clay mask. Prob cucumber based. Got keep that acne in control yo! I never wash my face before bed anymore so terrible. Lizzy doesn’t either.
Based on those pants I can tell I AM 16/17ish here? Definitely pre-UK and before I cut all my hair off and I am not booze-fat yet. All teenage chicks balloon-up once they start partying. I remembe this night, afterward Ward and I went to a house party wherein my older guy friends turned up and beat the shit out of some of the other guys and I was accused of stealing some things that I did not steal cool great time lol.
Bro and I being emo asf on vacation. Teenagers. Something to look forward to.
My bestie Krystal and I’s favourite thing to do was get dressed as hot as we could for the pre-hipster hottie hippies we were and cruise Meadowvale Town centre for boys to check us out, eat food court food, photobooth portraits hell yeah. I am 14 here? My eyebrows and hair were always on fleek.
Now, Brooke and I were besties for a long time and bad as fuck. I got tons of stories from stealing christmas lights, being chased by the popo in our pajamas when we snuck out to smoke cigarettes and cruise Falconer and I think I’m gonna just stop that one right there haha. When I left the house I hiked up these shorts and unfolded my thigh highs you know it.
Bluren says what’s up. Grade seven era Lauren. Just eating a piece of cake at the Nottawasaga Inn. The night before I went to my first Blur concert so I was a bit nostalgic and depressed about Damon Albarn now off somewhere else without me LOL. I’m wearing my Beetlebum concert shirt.
That shirt. What’s up Sook-Yin-Lee!
I had Blue 8 hole docs back then. Everyone always has to establish which Doc Marten they had. They just have to. Too bad Rock ‘n Tees is RIP now.
My valedictorian speech nbd other than making all the bullies cry their eyes out. I should go back into public speaking. Once I learn how to speak again.
My niece. She had a little bit of an attitude back in the day lol.
We loved Oasis too. Quebec city gr. 8 I already knew by this point I was the Valedictorian which was incredible to me because I had already slipped into slacker mode. Alrighty then peace everyone thank for sticking around all these years. Hugs and kisses from Detroit, happy Saturday and Happy Birthday to my dad!
The thing people don’t realise when I talk about New York is the following.
What it feels like to listen to Radiohead.
Poor.
But I don’t realise my own future yet. The poverty. Why do I need to convey a useless feeling, several feelings about how a 6 pack of Heineken I picked up from the bodega (illegally, underage) made me feel like an adult. Like a man. Then. I sat down at my (boyfriend’s) nyc desk and smugly typed about that moment in all its solitude. I didn’t have a clue. I still don’t. But it was so important to capture it at the time the same as it is now. Because you equally don’t care now as much as you didn’t then. It feels sometimes that no one ever feels things or stops to think. Like me. I knew then that the profound exquisiteness I felt at 18 years old sitting at that damn desk I would never get over, get past. My entire fault as a writer hinges on my inability to “get over” emotions I need you to know.
I was very moved by the reality in and of itself that I was sitting in a chair, at a leather top man’s desk writing away on a laptop in Brooklyn. It was 2001. I even still journalled with pen and paper in a diary at the time. I knew how perverse that was. Anyhow. This was the same chair I sat in when the first tower was hit by a commercial plane. I hear that noise. My BF that morning had enough of me. After it took him four hours to walk home with other zombies covered in rubble (or not) across the Brooklyn bridge that day, as I reflect now. Many years later. Many years after having PTSD from this day I didn’t expect to have such a profound effect on myself. Feeling ostentatious about it all. Being CUT OFF by all kinds of people, in backyards, years later whom ALL want to tell me their experience from that day which I genuinely want to hear and ALL pale in comparison from my day.
I listen to them all regale me with how they were nowhere near New York City. Nowhere near the chair I was sitting in at the time I heard that sound I heard. How NOT 18 years old they were, like I was.
Like how New York City was gonna be my big break. How dating a 29 year old during a heatwave summer, and you distinctly recall your bf threatening you that morning of September eleven that you better find work. Get on that. (We blew through my savings so quickly that summer) Every self-important person you ever meet will try their hardest to cancel out your story. Especially when it’s epic compared to theirs – I have far better 9/11 stories based on all my beautiful, hilarious friends who slept through 9/11 then the idiots who over-talk MY shit about that day. I have like, 100 guys in my memory being annoying as fuck to my face about “9/11” and not one of my actual New York City friends who experienced it with me there has said shit about it to my knowledge. None of them are fucked up like me. All I fucking hear is Toronto (or anywhere Canada) idiots tell me their experience like it interests me. The only reason it does is because I cannot believe being interrupted by people 100 times to tell me THEIR 9/11 experience over mine. I WAS THERE. THEY WERE NOT. I totally understand their need to tell me their personal desert storm moment BUT. It severely pisses me off. I lived there until the middle of October and experienced the aftermath. Thank God this is 14 years later (actually had to do the math) and I can “speak” “freely”. Even at the point that I say “black hawk jets” “Black fighter jets” The real shit that was happening immediately after those towers were hit – all drunk “conspiracy theorists” salivate at the prospect of shutting ME down to argue their story AT me. Like I give a fuck. I was 18. I am 32 at the time that I write this. I will NEVER care about your experience from that day. There are no amount of Discovery Channel biographies I can watch that re-tell that day for me.
At this point in my life I’m finally receptive of the inside job possibility. However. I know it happened. I heard it and saw the act. OR the reality. It is only people who interrupt to tell how they all watched it in school, in a library, because it was the most special day that ever happened to them throughout their meek existences. They NEEDED to tell me their whereabouts that morning just as much as I need to describe my Radiohead “I’m finally a writer” experience to you in only that I know that you don’t give a fuck, maybe I’ll forget this in the morning like a lover gone wrong but, the more I age, the more I need to tell you about this time in my life because I know it’s a precursor to other things. Where ZERO people have ever deigned to encourage or inspire me. I am SO blogging this tomorrow. The only reason I started a blog, my blog, was because I was told to by a mentor of mine to take my audience to my own “platform” called a “blog”. I was already blogging “for free” on VICE’s Wassup forum. I taught myself html, scanned in film photos of myself. I lived between Toronto Cabbagetown (highschool internship) and Home Hardware, Mississauga. Before trolls really existed, I was still getting trolled. But I could handle them because I was so young at the time and was good at carving them on sight in real time and it was part of my online persona. VICE published a zinger of mine every month in their magazine. Do you know what that does to the ego of 17 year old hahah.
One time my boss at this place in Cabbagetown I was working in had printed out a very detailed two page letter of intent/manifesto emailed to me from an online bestie of mine (one of the viceland celebs at the time there were 4 of us) and put it on my desk. My workstation. I am a PC girl but used a mac in this home office. After working for this woman for awhile using all MAC computers, I got it and thank god cos after this I interned for VICE and they use Macs too. Anyway the psycho thing about Macs at that time is not only are they orange, aqua, or blue, but I was taught to re-jig with a paperclip. Also, that all documents “cascade” and/or disappear and your boss will print out the “lost” documents and leave them on your desk to humiliate you the next morning.
Now. I have never talked openly about this experience because I signed a non-disclosure BUT I’m not saying her name or publication but I will say that I was basically a full-blown adult being treated “as such” worked to the bone while my fellow classmates found local businesses that paid them hush-hush. This was a highschool co-op placement that gives you work experience.
I went out of my way to find a Toronto placement. SO I could be in Toronto. I wanted to run my own magazine. This woman met me with long blond hair when I went for my interview with my co-op teacher. I went to England for summer school and cut it all off that summer then came back to my co-op placement with short dyke hair. I found this woman through a woman who was friends with my U of T older crowd when I dated an older guy. Actually insane now that I think of it that it slipped thru adults cos I was Go-training daily to a mentally unstable woman’s house everyday to be essentially her assistant. She was poor and thankless as fuck. The one piece I had published in her quarterly she went out of her way to make me feel like shit about that she edited it like crazy. I was her subscriptions dept managerr. So many other huge responsibilities. One time I left ½ hour early cos my dad had business in town he could drive me home, she called my home phone in ‘sauga and my mom answered and flipped on her. She’s like we NEVER see our daughter. She is pale as a ghost. Never sees the sun. My husband gets her 30 minutes early and you lose it on her. I was stunned cos I was expecting to get in trouble I was so used to being abused and overworked. One time this woman looked at me and was like, I forget you are 17. Same age as her loser son who sleeps upstairs. My co-op placement was in her house! She made me sign a non-disclosure agreement at 17 no one else in my class had to. At this point I don’t give a fuck anymore. I worked my ass off for her. She had the audacity to tell a girl to be quiet one day when we were stuffing envelopes! Too much fun! I wasn’t allowed to listen to music and work because what if she had to yell for me? The day she left that print-out on my desk from my NYC GF and never said anything about it to me directly. It scared me. Meanwhile. I had to sift through her son’s insane porn history on her work computer.
I was never respected there. Maybe slightly. I actually want to see what she’s up to now. This placement was the catalyst to me going to NYC etc. I worked on Mondays at home hardware after school the one day a week we weren’t at our internships and she would always try to get me to skip school to go to work I actually started to adore Mondays and on weekends I worked at the hardware store to affor to travel to this horrible job during the week because my folks wouldn’t give me money cos they didn’t want me doing any of this to begin with. I took the city bus to go station. Train to union. Union subway to college/yonge then streetcar to parliament cabbagetown to a crazy bitch’s house who treated me like a slave JUST so I could have the Toronto experience and she was ungrateful as fuck. Then. I took that trek back to Mississauga daily and I paid for it everyday on my own. Typing about this now it is insane I would never do this now. Then I would stay up late with my one friend Ward. I never saw the sun. This bitch has the audacity to print out one fucking PRIVATE email exchange and leave it on my desk. Fuck you.
After all this I went to NYC. I chose travel over univeristy because I WAS DONE.
Ok to be continued lol!
(Ps. Sorry for being ranty. I DO care about other’s nine-eleven experiences I’m just very me-focused. I’ll try to be better).
