I look like that crazy hipster arty girl in the movie you fall in love with. Much like Collin Ferrell’s cray hot mess sister in London Boulevard that we watched last night. Oh man Boner city of my heart! Keira Knightly was also cray, cray with bangs, gone Howard Hughes shut-in and stalked by papz with her eccentric funny friend, the ginger father from Harry Potter. they hire Ferrell to kick arse and his eyebrows are very distracting. It’s a dark comedy, set in, you guessed it, LONDON. Loved it. Rent it!
Why is crazy so hot? Stable crazy I mean. I prefer the strong silent arrogant crazy. I also like spontaneity. I don’t like dangerous things though or reckless abandon (ha now that is a total lie).
Ha.
This shirt deserves an award and so do I for hanging on to it for so many years. It was my everything shirt, longboarding in to town, wearing a black string bikini top beneath this. Trish called me Demi Moore when they’d watch me go down hills with Zach, I was tanned and toned and so very cray. I was freshly single.
This shirt is made of a fine mesh material and is a bit big on me, my mom’s stacked and buys XL’s plus I’m lean so it’s a moveable breathable all-season all-purpose shirt I’d fling over my dripping sweaty body before heading in to the King’s Arms pub, the men on the patio would love it. There were no other me’s in this town, black haired young not giving a fuck. It was one of the best times in my life. I eventually met more people but that’s another story.
My dad tells me about the time he was 17 and had the house to himself for two weeks while his parents went to England ha ha way to go Duncs. Welsh story telling plus the best stories told be people who consider themselves hilarious, I will never tire of talking to my dad. Hi dad! Thanks for the good times dude.
Anyhow, this shirt transports me through time like the traveling pants I never saw those movies but I am sure they were something like this except starring Ugly Betty (who didn’t want to do the sequel yeah no shit) and other different sized chicks sharing a pair of mom jeans, uhh, I’ll pass.
Clothing helps me remember events in my life and obvi I am a keeper and avid documenter of time so these keepsakes I value and treasure plus remind me of happy times. The end. No just kidding it is never the end lol.
I have a strong face so what. It always looks different, I have a variety of looks. I am going to be the next biggest male model just you wait and see. Who was I joking that to about lately, I think Lucas. I like this shirt also because it’s my sleeper shirt. People think I am less of a degenerate when i put it on. If you see me sporting collars EVER it’s because I am probably hung out of my mind, the world is definitely spinning and you should probably steer clear because I’m biohazardly fuming booze clouds. KIDDING relax. How come Bukowski can write this junk and everybody laughs but when I do it you cringe? I thought you wanted writing? Sorry I don’t know anything about My Little Pony for you try another stupid blog.
This hair ruled.
Not giving in to bangs I won’t!
I am searching for a specific picture of myself in this shirt so don’t mind the memory lane treasures.
No one was blogging like this back then really. I was so alone.
That shirt is by GSUS. One of the most expensive shirts I bought for myself, kind of a retarded shirt right. This was an interesting evening. A female cop stripper arrived for a kid turning 19, hilarious. This mansion had a circle fountain in the front fucking driveway. I swam in the pool, the older daughter (and sister) to the bday kid was on house arrest for beating up a girl I believe. All these rich kids were abandoned in their palace sized mansions by their parents who were always away, at work or holiday. I am writing about this period of my life and the title of this post will be the name of the book. I met another girl at this party who was about to be doing time for her bf because he already had a charge against him I was like what that’s so dumb. A lot of trash hung around a lot of the high rollin’ kids, I was witness and spectator to the lives of these snobby self entitled degenerates and they all treated me like, well various ways. The girls were all blonde and despised me, I learned about cattiness and mean girl world, luxury cars, you name it. It was awesome and gruesome.
I smoked back then. I took pictures of everything back then, people thought I was weird and I thought they were stupid, not capitalizing on their time and life experiences by capturing moments and exploiting them. I had all my hipstery skater shoes and stuff arranged asunder and while photographing this shit I said one day I’ll have product placement endorsements in the form of photos on my blog and amongst the scatter of objects d’art will be a soda can and I’ll get paid to have that in there and that is how I will make my living. I knew it would take years for the internet and blogging to evolve before this could or would happen. And I was right. Nothing tastes as good as being skinny or being right feels.
And now I’m 400 years old and still poor help me lol that’s a Kristin Wiig Bridesmaids rip off SORRY!
Still trying to find this stupid photo in my archives blast!
See, there’s that Scarface fountain. All this crap over a shirt. I cannot let things go. You can compare this photo with the ones at the top if you are bored to compare my face now and then.
I signed and sold these to a fan years ago woah time warp. She sent me photos of her wearing them. The internet rules!
Oh were your ears burning ol Longy? Noel told me years ago that longboarders were all jock poseurs, even back then in 2003 and now it’s 2012 and kids are still getting them like they’re the brand new thing to have, every summer I am amazed more and more the twerps blasting around on them and of fucking course in my head I am going FIRST!!!
Smoking is gross but you look so damn cute and cool doing it but only if you are 20. Jules do NOT smoke!
My dad shopped here as a kid, Bong’s variety is not only a web viral jokes sensayshe but it is a historical White family landmark too.
This house is gone. It’s bulldozed and now a McMansion. Sigh. I am glad for these photos. My grandparents had Scottish dancing club meeting/parties here, they founded that club.
Someone made fun of this wal-mart tank anonymously on my blog, someone in Oakville no doubt haha classist snots. This was a sleeping shirt my mom disposed of to me. I was offended. We lived in a well-to-do area of posh old Oakville but still the class of rank and wealth whatever, the haves definitely stood out.
And my body was pretty hot. My bf’s mom said the girls were mean to me because I was skinny. But they were all skinny too, it didn’t make any sense. I sat there like Rainman considering it and she said yes, yes that IS why. Okay then.
Look, I’ve even gone as far ugly as this so I know to be thankful for when you’re up in the looks department.
Sweet found it! God, it wasn’t even worth it my face is cut off.
Do not try this at home: sit ups + red wine + hot sauce. I say no more.
Oh my god more animals please.
Dorky shoes butterfly time.
Pumped for summer like an HJ.
What adventures will we get up to this year?
Apparently my body is unremarkable. The fact that you felt the need to say that proves that it isn’t.
Time to give my hair some therapy hairapy. I have Mythic Oil for that.
I should go get a real tan.
Am I a fool to stop being platinum? Why does it feel like giving up, even just to add a teeny tint. I should focus on world peace instead. Okay I will if I have extra time, we’ll see. Wednesday you are beautiful!
XO RLW.
ps. don’t forget lifestyle bloggers dominate so nothing I blog is cray.
Yes yes omfg so boring what a giant f-ing waste of space RIGHT guys right? Holy crap I want to jam my thumbs right in to my goddamn eyes I cannot get the two seconds back of my life that I wasted looking at this girl’s life okay thanks a lot. THIS IS HOW STUPID YOU SOUND when you make your useless opinions known btw internet peanut gallery.
Oh M G I am like so totally pretty why does everyone have to be so jealous all the time like I feel so sorry for them they cannot be blog princesses like me it’s not my fault. (This is what haters hear whenever I dare defend myself. Who is the close-minded numbskull then?)
There is nothing stupid about being adorable 24/7.
Give peace a chance now kay?
My life is not boring. It is equal parts simple and wild. Quiet and full throttle.
I’ve had this shirt for years borrowed permanently from mom. The rest of these are on teacher’s phone blabbity blah. We had jerk and hot wings and lots of tumblers of bar rail dranks. The people watching I give 8/10 a nice high score. It was wing night too hurray.
One part of the cray that happened to all these shots while downloading and filming at the same time. Yeah dumb move, I got greedy. All the videos are blacked out, the audio is still there but not the video and but of course I deleted all images/videos once I dumped them on to the computer. Look where my friend the cat likes to doze.
Did I blog this adorable geeky photo of me yet? It is hard to keep track of my life to be honest, the photos I upload in batches “for later” then scatter a few on twitter and tumblr and then lose interest. It feels like a waste not to put it on the mother blog though. #bloggerproblems.
Slobtastic chic.
Kind of Garth Algar hot. My stylist is Burlington mall, old navy and bluenotes respectively.
Must remember to get docs out of car.
Sigh nostalgia. It’s nice to get pissed on King west and see my old friend from grade three, Clifford. See this blog is so kid appropes. Just kidding people chill oot.
First! I put this on my tumblr and it spread like wildfire. I invented something! Did I get credit for it? Not really.
Hey girls what’s up!
I got a pink sucker.
My ends look fried but they’re not, my hair is poker thin straight. I lucked out I guess. I am toying with going dark a lot. It’s not consuming me or anything but it’s tempting however I’ve had a streak of great hair days, great platinum hair days lately so I know I’ll experience a backlash of regrets amidst a sea of joy brunette celebration. I’ll do a poll at some point for the real weigh-in.
Glossy Box cheered me up the other day big time. Before I even discovered that hate forum I needed cheering, never you mind that though. I had one sent to my mom too who shared it with Nana.
Now launched in Canuckada!
Love me some posh girly spoils.
And who doesn’t love a mystery box of beauty goodies?
Not to mention the perfect re-gifting box for your most pompous hard to please princess gf. I don’t think I know anyone like that other than myself hahaha.
Lets take a better look.
Been wearing that nail polish in my non-stop rotation and I gave the hand cream to Bechnique because I am a compulsive gifter.
The eye cream in that box burns which means it is working, you wear it at night, but I have only done so in the day. I am stubborn and what do I know? Nothing. ps. this is not a sponsored plug.
Have you ever had chapstick that looked like this before? So stately and it’s DELICIOUS and runs on smooth. Tastes like melons, very refreshing. I am blown away by beauty ish and easily impressed, it’s not something I spend much time dwelling on.
I enjoyed the delivery dude’s shaking of this box and asking me if it were drugs.
Okay and there you have it my brilliant product arrangement display.
AND THEN IN THE SAME DAY THIS ARRIVED IN THE MAIL BY COURIER.
I asked teacher to take a picture of it (IN ITS BAG + WRAPPING, THEN UNWRAP IT LIKE HOW I DO you know Raymi’s mailbag fun time adventure posts) and I guess he heard, unwrap it, throw packaging away after crumpling up into a ball and take picture of item alone without any accompanying story. Boys do not get this blogging thing. You can go back to playing transformers now thanks for your “help”.
Your SKYY bottle fashion show is cute though. This bottle did not last the night I am sure. Yes we had help okay and no I don’t remember with whom or what, maybe Sir Isac Newton was there or a fig newton, who’s to know? Drink responsibly friends! I’ve a cocktail list of drink recipes they sent that I’m going to test out. Send more vodka please :).
I better learn how to dance with a wig on before my next show which will def see me with an even bigger wig on, piles and piles of hair I am pumped. Burlesque continues…
Ron Sparks is hilarious, I think I like his voice so much that it makes me think he is funnier than he is. He IS funny but his voice is boomy and very deep, leading, and when you hear it you are like oh, here comes a joke he’s saying something! Meanwhile he is just asking about set times.
Cutie cartoony Pastel.
Unreal body.
Yummy.
Me watching Red Zeppelin.
And losing my shit with appreciation. Look Bechnique. And a hipster. Part of Batman too. He’s gone viral eh, good work Alex and Sean Ward!
Bunny!
Maria Juana is amazing.
Cheeky gal.
Excellent, excellent.
At least 30 people have emailed me about this on youtube. Yes thanks I know I was there. Okay fine here it is lazypants. I’m at the end.
Jesus Christ! My parents are dead! Many good parts in this.
Nice splits!
Dayum I got a slammin’ bod.
Part of my first dance involves throwing a glove and I didn’t want to hit this fan up front in the face with it so I flung it to the side a bit more. I flirted a lot with that guy and his gf/companion had a great time.
All comedians hate each other.
And are one another’s biggest fans/cheerleaders and critics too. I like to cram it all together in to one giantly confusing clusterfuck. People say I have yes men and ass kissers, guy, that is so false it isn’t even possible to use me my time is very precious to me so I don’t know what the hell can be expunged except for infamy by association, free concerts and swag, good times, high fives and hugs. Trolls deserve to feel like jerks because they act as such and look at me, look at who I associate with. Characters, freaks, eccentrics and misfits. So am I too, that doesn’t make you a train wreck to live your life exactly as you want to. Collecting weirdos along the way. I choose that life over that of the un-special majority with the samesies lives watching the samesies programs (that I also watch so I’m not all that different) talking the same shit about the same everything. I wouldn’t even wear thin braided hipster headbands because everyone was doing it, or spectacles. I only wear the ones I found because hey, free specs and they help my old lady vision, are prescription and mask eyebags too. It’s dying out more now, watering down, so it’s okay to wear hipster specs ok BUT DON’T GET GREEDY WITH IT. I have all kinds of cool rules. Which btw is a key component that I apply to my life, one, being cool. Forever. It’s not about looks, it’s trailblazing originating, being of the moment, relevant and so forth. I can age yeah sure and get fat and uglier, but I will still maintain my cool, if it kills me. Death by cool. End caption. Lol.
Look at that guy, so enraptured. By the minx. Wonder when a story on my life will be made. Oh get over yourself blogs are just one big giant talking to yourself and sharing ideas you ping pong against a wall for entertainment. When you dissect things you ruin them. You are lame. In short. Stop psycho-analyzing life.
Seeing Pastel reminds me to always stretch. It’s really hard to talk to her when she’s winding her torso and gyrating the other half of her body in a rhythmic stretch, my throat goes dry and my voice gets high and I am like, are you, is that, stretching? So hot.
We did a lot of videos yesterday and I am getting a lot better with my cape. We fucked up downloaing them from his phone ugh so annoyed, actual best work yet you will never see. Which is a challenge to top it. Top yourself is one of my slogans.
Colleague says this dance was memorable.
Every time I upload a video to youtube some beast flags it. I have seen WAY raunchier things on youtube, the video in question is presently being appealed because I guess they were like uh why was this flagged? Sigh.
See my Hello Kitty lunchbox? :).
Ooh I want to hear that Taylor Swift song and photoshop myself into whimsical settings with butterflies and bubbles and other dumb shit. Just kidding I just want to hit update and take a pee.
And now bech’s photos.
Baha you’re welcome for the hugemongous shots.
Jules I am size 8 what are you? I bet you have more weird space shoes I will want to wear. These are like the strawberry swirl candies. But what do you expect from a kid still in braces lol.
I see Red’s teeny head.
Bun Bun!
Ron Ron! I’ve had to stop myself from typing Sexsmith so many times you know. I know that guy too.
Chow Mein, Bech, teach and Courtney’s skinny ankles and legs. Teach trying to figure out mystery camera.
I am like see ya dudes. I got a thing to do for a minute. brb.
I am singing the alphabet.
Duuuhoye hahaha.
That was intentional and the split second will last a lifetime now yay.
Not bad White. My arms could be stronger though.
I am looking forward to wearing those with a normal outfit, smouldering. Maybe they can be worn frontwards too.
The bow in my hair is a little bit Disney. Naughty princess. Which one, Belle?
Oh shit this is going to be good.
Perfection. The socks kill me. KILL ME THE BEST!
Phenom. Real Disney Princess Pastel for sure.
Are you convinced about these shows yet?
Come for the me, stay for the them!
I rest my case.
Ooh I just got an idea for a dance.
But on another note how would you feel about a dance to this?
It is my natural inclination to dance to grimy trash and, well I might add. I got in to night clubs underage at 16 with a fake id and this was what they played, at NRG (that place is scary) man dance offs with legit hood rat skanks, I saw a girl shove kick a guy after dancing like a whore around him it was the best she terrified me. You could dance behind silk screens once you climbed these ladders (dangerous and should be outlawed) and so of course we climbed them, drunk, on E, and danced like idiots. The hip hop room was even scarier by far, entrants beware, you will most def get a towel thrown around your neck and then you have to grind your way out of it. Fights like cray, it is a jungle. Anyway, so I know how to dance like a raunchy ghetto kind of I don’t know what. Maybe I will choreograph something to fool people in to thinking I am street and funky to this song. I’m sure they played it at the Falconer reunion. Other classics, Salt n peppa, Dre, Snoop, a little gangster’s paradise here and there and cherry bombs. We were hung as hell. Best party. Falconer what.
Ooh Red Zeppelin, hot mess. Love it. We were all concerned about her pouring honey on herself for fear of stage sticky and she neglected to be oh yeah before even that guys I’ll be dumping suds and water all over myself and the stage. Hahaha oh boy.
What a funny life, it’s fun.
Bunny and I are like, really? Look Teacher it’s me cleaning! Bahahaha.
And teaching Red Zeppelin the meaning of respect.
I can’t believe what is happening and I like it. Me and Red always do a “bit” together on stage as bonus performance art. I like that I have high-end rubbermaid dishwashing gloves on and my white billowy dress looks like a big poof sponge also for cleaning. If I smoke a bit more weed I am sure I can fantasize this entire post as a Beauty and the Beast recreation no problem.
Stressing over Bunny’s gloves. My head lost weight.
Such a temptress.
She’s got quite the groupie fan base.
I can see why.
Wuh-oh pasghettios.
Surf’s up guys!
Um this is taco night on Monday two days later nevermind that.
I know how to twirl it like a mermaid or train tracks. Ha whatever you will see and then get hypnotized.
I don’t think this one was even put on my blog I put it up everywhere else before so now it’s old news. Meh.
Blowin’ kisses to the world. You know, just another day.
Shawn Hawaii is my homeboy. He bought me last year. Par-tay-Har-tay!
Shan you’re amazing thank you for helping me back in to my dress.
Hot times indeed.
Thank you Julio for the snaps. Okay fine I will put up the money shot one. In the future turn around while looking down. They totally wanna pop off I was twirlin’ them like cray. The girls in the bathroom loved watching me decide which pair of pasties to wear. That was a fun long party rock star night excellent!
Thank you bye bye! This one (above) makes my childhood teenage (chick) girl babysitter/family friend/mom’s friend want to convert. I don’t know how to feel about that. Superstar? I likes ta keep it NYC as much as can be. What can I say. Lots!
HAw ha Raymi the moocher yes we all get it. HARLEM RENAISSANCE. Look it up.
Back to The Rum Diary now.
Can’t recall if this is Max or Cab Calloway’s version halp!
I don’t really get the ageist attacks. I’ve never made fun of anyone older or younger than me before like as a thing and people have been telling me since I was 19 to “grow up” or warned me that I should stop this bloggy party lifey thing and all I have to say is, you are stupid and sexist and ageist and should worry about your own age and life because what I am doing is working, it’s not broke so don’t fix it. I don’t see the number of my days on this earth as any sort of measurement for who or what I am, maybe only for when I am Or when I will or should be (a mom?). You’re an obsessive loser, and your world the more it becomes revealed to me about your only joy being me, obsessively, and you’ve offered up other obsessions too, the more I learn about you through the collection of garbage you say the more I feel bad for you. You are a creepy little woman thing. You said I threw the first stone and you were only helping and you say it like anyone even wants anything to do with you. You are playing false bravado smug. You are no one I have ever heard of before and even if you were someone I knew who hated me, I’d take it and we’d keep going it would be a gentleman’s war and both sides would be out in the open, even, not just me and not you cloaked in hiding, in fear, in anonymity shrouded in misery mystery behind a rock yelling insults over it at me AHahaha. You are not a man, you are not a woman, you are a scared entity on the internet and you know jack shit because if you knew how much of a degenerate I really was you’d be talking more shit. Your legacy and footnote in life is It’s too late for you so go down whining about others. And no I did not cast the first stone, you did, in ever contacting me to begin with offering unsolicited (and crude) advice. You showed up on MY doorstep, dumb dumb, that is how it began. I can illustrate it for you by diagram if you like: Life BEFORE YOU and Life AFTER YOU. It’s me sitting in a chair, starting NOTHING. In the BEFORE YOU Life diagram and now, PAY ATTENTION SAM SMITH, FOCUS: in the Life AFTER YOU diagram it’s ME sitting in a chair still and then a teeny little shitstained dot speck of lice shows up (representing YOU) and that’s a diagram representing WHO FUCKING STARTED IT. Got that now?
And now moving along to, “trying to help.” by giving me game tips. How in the fuck do you think you are anything close to an expert on giving game tips advice? You are a spectator in life, you are an inexperienced life liver you are the last fucking person I would ever call upon for advice. It’s cute and flattering that you think I am worthy of a trophy wife future life and that’s my only aspiration meanwhile here I am blogging my guts out for myself for eleven years and all this time I was really playing a secret game of soccer wifing. Maybe you should try to catch up to me though and become marriage material short of that, get a fucking boyfriend once you’re done being an aggro stupid bitch for five seconds and focus less on me. I don’t care if I get married you moron, I change my mind like the breeze and blow with that. You live within the confines of society. I DON’T. We already know how much of an obtuse ignorant blind and toxic insult to retarded people that you are so it’s okay that you overlooked how much of an Übermensch champ that I am and anyone needing the life tips is YOU. Change your game sport cos it’s being played without you. I can beat you at anything Sam Smith. You are asleep at the wheel. And stop saying I am 29 Oooh smooth troll move fuckface. Do you know how much life I can cram in to before 30? So much I will probably be dead by then!
I live harder and more fearlessly than any fucking thing on the planet more than anyone I know. I get attacked by crazies like you, you, are my biggest fear and I keep going despite you. Despite everyone making fun of me I get up there on that stage and I dance and in the middle of being made fun of for every fucking style or routine or dance that I dance I am planning an international artist show collaboration with magic pony for a japanese artist and I will be making the craziest harajuku costumed creation of never done before phenomena and it will happen in less than a month. You make me self doubt myself how dare you and how dare I for falling for it. What art projects will you be working on in the next month sam smith? More stalking? FUN! You should start a news letter. Ps. Kim said this to me SWOON: “Have you decided on a character yet? I can’t wait to see what you come up with. I’ve seen videos of your performances and you’re really hot “ My peers keep me in check.
You discussed coming to one of my shows? WELL COME THEN MOTHERFUCKER. COME! You are the biggest chicken shit ever. I’d type come fight me but that would come across as threatening. But anyway, you’re going to character defame me on the internet for sport? COOL LIFE. Who is the loser now?
You ruined my life for three days. That is unforgivable. The last time I dealt with crazy people in real life was a long time ago. And they had more of a reason for it. I do not forgive nor do I forget.
You are actively involving yourself in a hate campaign in someone else’s life and stepping in where you do not belong, family members aren’t even allowed to do that what makes you think you can???
Have you ever heard of the code in photography, in the wild, DO NOT FUCK WITH NATURE. Even though you want the kangaroo to escape the quicksand so the alligator doesn’t get him, you can’t help or interfere because that’s the ecosystem’s way aka NOT YOUR SHIT AND NONE-A YOUR BEESWAX. This blog is my amazon and if you get an anaconda after you bitch you fucked. Do not interfere with my life anymore, when you grab the bull by the horns you will get _____. This blog is art, it is nature, you are not the artist, the designer, you are the spectator. Go start a tumblr and make your own world and become more famous than me if you’re so fucking coooool and urbane. Until then go fuck yourself.
Not only are the popo on my side, they wanna party with me and the cougs. They got real lives too, and that’s not illegal.
And no I don’t want to be Dooce. I beat her for best diarist 2006 weblog awards AND I WON first place. Ain’t that the tooce. My gf emailed me about her break up so I wrote to her sincerely, I wish her well and I have gone through it before online and you don’t know jack shit about what that feels like and you are actively acting like the parasites famous people loathe so why should you have any self awareness right now, there is no reasoning with you demon letches and this is the last time I will bother. You have exclusively written lies about me, my past and “assumptions” or “opinions” about what I want to be and that is not Dooce. You want to be her. And every single person you slag on the internet. Haters are your biggest secret fans. You lurk the internet at all hours scoping out my blog and haunting my twitter and tumblr. Ew.
Then you try to suggest my boyfriend’s school should see my blog and get him fired? He is allowed to have a social life and I never write anything illegal because he doesn’t do anything illegal and no he doesn’t play hooky, there are exam days off, xmas break, a lot of off time. Every day he was off you can stalk his twitter (or could before forced to go private thanks to you) and see that no time was spent doodling away on twitter but that’s more than we can say for ourselves as YOU are the ones who spend work time lurking here and I have the full document to fuck your lives over too should it come it. I already know your employers too.
Guess what? Guess who became buds with the messageboard people now ahahha that’s right sweetheart, your hero did that too. We were eating pizza at the same time last night huzzah! And we eat take out because we are hedonistic lazy slobs and I can totally cook, I am a genius cook thanks for asking. ps. the messageboard regulars hate you.
Speaking of that my dad just came back with Lick’s. Yumbo in my tumbo.
Bech has survived a truck running over her, you can see a bit of the scar on her thigh. She is bad ass and a great friend. Here we are takin’ it ease after a long night/show last Saturday. My how time flies.
