I AM THE MAGICAL BAR FLY FAIRY DOING DANCES AND CASTING SPELLS OF DELICIOUS BEVERAGES AND PRAIRIE FIRE BLACK-OUT SHOTS AND FOODSTUFFS OF CHICKEN SALAD SAMMICHES AND PAKORAS AT 230AM HOCUS POCUS POOOOF.

OH WAIT WHAT HO HO LOOK NOW I HAVE CASTED A MYSTICAL SPELL OF HAPPINESS UPON THIS LITTLE FOREST SPRITE BEHOLD ITS IMMEDIATE EFFECT DO NOT MISTRUST MY SPELL CASTING CAPABILITIES FOR YE MAY FIND YESELF TOUCHED BY THE BAR FLY FAIRY IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE TOO HIC.

yes that is yet another birthday gift i got fil to open i am really bad at surprises though i’m adding another gift to the pot. last minute i was not really keen on going to see magneta lane just cos and fil got sad so i said ok i will go on one condition and it is that you have to open a present from me AND i am not paying for any of the cabs ok that’s two conditions but fil was too blinded by the t-shirt to realise. i bet if he weighed 350lbs and wore that t-shirt he would be a vice do.

THIS IS WHAT AFTER A PRAIRIE FIRE SHOT LOOKS LIKE RIGHT AFTER I DECIDED TO NOT BARF IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR WHY AM I YELLING?!

earlier that nite we hit up a birthday party in the burbs and fil turns into creep0 2006 ew there was a dead moth larvae on that pom pom on the santa hat and he left it there i fucking hate that rock and roll santa and i hate even more that fil felt obliged to BE HIM.

that’s alex he was pouring me tumblers of red wine all nite then made me a tipsy eggnog and chris his cousin was wearing my bling necklace and being all wanksta so i said um where is your gun and he said in my sleeve and i said YEAH YOUR OLD NAVY SLEEVE? ahahahahaa sigh.

that’s sheri we were having microphone wars what else is new she has pretty hair.

right cos the first thing that comes to mind during the holidays is ROCK AND ROLL.

what’s up dood? nothin’, juss’chillin.

i <3 tarley cos he parted the red sea get it? moses beard joke? laughing? whatever.

alex looks baked all the time, doesn’t smoke weed though. interesting.

eggnog party of 1

they always get huge pregnant-looking trees like this i like dems

fil says this looks like a bong i say how does fil know what a bong looks like?

i told fil not too long ago that i wanted to make a wreath and he was like oh no NO WAY and i was like dude you are just jealous of my potential wreath-making skills and how i will sky-rocket to fame because of them so you tell me “it’s a stupid idea” to belittle me out of following my wreath-making dreams. dick. i was merely trying to explain how wreaths are total cash cows and mostly an un-tapped area and i could be really rich but he just talked over me anyway guys are stupid this is how i will get disgustingly rich someday just wait and see oh yes. people are lazy and stupid and will pay a lot for a fancy looking wreath that i made from forest garbage hello, martha stewart!?

would you buy a wreath from me? i would.

“speaking of feces, two nites ago at the pub i farted and i crapped my pants…”

courtney says, “FRUUUUG BLEEEEAARH Funnngh dreeeeee koo koo koo bzzz pee pee oorh.” which translated, means: VOTE RAYMI, COS SOMEONE HAS TO REPLACE ME DOODS!

TWO YEARS AGO TODAY

don’t forget to vote you ungrateful dicks. thank you.

people who don’t like cats are assholes and they’re the same people who think dogs are smarter – FUCK!

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM!?

cats are better because they don’t make loud barking sounds that make you snap your head around because you are all startled and your heart kind of stops and then after the startled-feeling goes away you then have complete anger and annoyance and have to leave the room altogether because there is a dog and it is barking all over the place and then the cat looks at you and says don’t worry dood i’ll take care of it so he goes over to the dog and punches him with his little cat fist and the dog goes oh ok sorry guy and starts licking his balls and other dog-things until you have to let him out to crap in your backyard while the cat is sitting politely in his little box reading the newspaper taking a doo doo and gracefully covers it all up for you to scoop it out later when you feel like it.

and then barky mcbark bark is all look at me look at me i am a dog bark bark yip and slams into the diningroom table and destroys everything pretty what is your house while kitty larue is telling you to fuck off with his eyes because he has this thing called pride something that dogfuck lacks because dogs are not as cool as cats.

don’t get me wrong i do love dogs i just prefer cats because i am crazy as a loon and bitches like me who are lazy assholes opt for low-maintenance snotty animals who are needy sometimes while completely invisible other times and then when you start crying they come sit on your head and sniff your stupid eyes and nose and feel bad for you and then when you are done using the cat for having your emotional needs met you can go on a bender for a few days, come back and cat is like yo dude WHAT’S UP i didn’t notice you left but the dog is all hysterical, complete wreck of a creature while you were away all of your house is messed and smelly and you are like, I. HATE. MY. LIFE.

the way i see it, if you want a fuckin’ kid, give birth.

i painted her in cos you couldn’t tell what it was a drawing of cos of the dark blue sploshed paint. what a stunner!

DOES MY FACE LOOK LIKE THE MASK GUY FROM V FOR VENDETTA IN THIS PICTURE YES OR NO

KEEP VOTING Y’ALL, THANKS!

last nite i buckled, or rather, fil did, and he opened two presents, party ’til you puke and the indiana jones dvds. we played party ’til you puke for all of 5 minutes and went through 2 beers each, fuck that, my stomache was killing so that’s how i got him to open the dvds and we watched them all. the majorty of the squares you land on say YOU SPILLED AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF SCOTCH HAVE A DRINK and i said WHAT IS THIS A chad game??! it pretty much is. you can get it from urban outfitters for 16 bucks.

there’s one part in raiders of the lost ark near the end, a bug lands on belloq’s chin and scurries up to his mouth and goes inside his fucking mouth and he keeps on acting, that shit was totally NOT in the script. if you have this movie go to the scene where they are marching the ark of the covenant to where they do that priesty king solomon shit and it’s the part when indiana has that RPG over his shoulder and threatens to blow up the covenant SO during all that back and forth banter that bug on balloq’s chin thing happens.

you’re welcome.

i did not appreciate the campiness of the temple of doom and that female interest was pretty obnoxious and talked a lot, not unlike myself thank god for that little goonies kid who somehow is miraculously capable of kicking 300 lb dudes and send them off to their doom um no offense kid, you are about the size of a grasshopper, JUST saying.

i pretty much passed out during the last crusade so i will have to tell you my generous opinions later on.

whilst watching the movies i asked fil infinity questions and he ignored all of them. my memory of the series is pretty bad though i was unable to just sit there and act like i was seeing them for the first time cos there were too many little deja vu moments anyway i got really bitter at fil and made him feel mean. i win.

hey raymi

steph

unrelated NSFW.

VOTE FOR LAZY!

THANKS MG!

here is something i will finally address, as you all know, mg is no longer married and many of you ask in my comments what went down and where did the wife go bla bla etc. here and now will be the first and last time i say this, we are no longer friends, fil and i were friends with her because she was married to my friend matt and once we got to know her we accepted her, vapidity, ignorant, bitchiness and all whatever if you drink enough you can come to like ANYONE lo and behold once mg and money-grubber’s relationship began to deteriorate he informed me of all the mad shit she had been saying about me AND FIL the ENTIRE TIME and what really got my goat was that i had refrained from ever saying anything mean about her ever not even to my friends who were like dude what are you thinking!?! this chick SUCKS! i cannot even read her blog… but nope i was respectful and EVEN DEFENDED HER TO THEM.

so stupid.

all this valuable shit-talking time, all down the drain i could shoot myself.

anyway, matt’s last tour i went along to hang cos dude was not dealing very well and naturally i got a little sucked into the mess, to make a long story short this lady sent me TWO scathing text messages and here they are:

1. STAY OUT OF MY MARRIAGE YOU PATHETIC PSYCHOTIC BITCH

to which i replied your marriage is already over, baby and you are the worst liar ever.

2. IT’S NO WONDER EVERY GUY YOU’VE BEEN WITH BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU YOU DESERVED EVERY BIT OF IT

to which i did not reply.

this coming from a flake who thinks paris fucking hilton is a genius and also someone who claimed to be an advocate against cruelty toward animals you’d think it would carry over to humans.

anyway, you can take the girl away from the trailer, dress her up real good, give her your wallet, but she’s STILL trash.

also, i was not beaten up by every guy i dated, just two, the first one was more psychological abuse and being spat in my face and shoved around, burning hot pizza shoved in my face, property destroyed, regardless, and they were both drug dealers and very controlling mean abusive people. anyway, i survived it and do a fairly good job at blocking out the pain from those days and some skeleton who hates herself cunt saying this shit to me with the intent to get me where it hurts shows how truly horrible a creature she really is.