GWLH rita’s new bangs.

RAYMI’S GUIDE TO HANGING WITH CELEBRITIES

if you want celebrities to think you are cool enough to deal with then you have got to be interesting, i cannot stress that enough, and what you think that you are? no no i’m sorry, go back, do it again and then come back. people ask me all the time HEY RAYMI HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET RON SPARKS TO COMMENT ON YOUR MYSPACE? (just kidding ron sparks, no one asked me that) and i say it is because i am SOCIALLY ENGAGING also, being good looking won’t fucking kill you either. if you can, be that. um what else, oh be funny, if you aren’t interesting then you at least have to be funny, if you can’t make a toddler laugh then you have NO CHANCE at hanging with a celebrity, no dice.

you basically want to lube them into thinking hey why the FUCK is this person hanging out with me i am a pile of garbage and they, THEY are FUCKING AWESOME.

also it is a major plus if you have at least one eccentric friend who will do anything you tell them for the sake of entertainment like HEY JOSH GO LICK THAT GARBAGE CAN, hilarity ensues. see, hanging with celebrities can be nerve-racking for both parties, they are kind of unsure as to why they are hanging with you so it’s like you’re always being tested and you’re nervous cos you have to like talk about all this shit, talking can be hard, so if you have a friend that is licking a garbage can you and your celebrity can talk about THAT.

simple.

another plus is having an acquaintance present that you DO NOT LIKE, this can open up the shit-bagging bag which is ALWAYS fun and gets the ball rolling for your celebrity friend to shit-bag their nemesi. that word isn’t real i don’t think but it is FUCKING COOL TO SAY i just pictured myself with a silencer pp7 in a black one-piece squatting behind a corner and i was mouthing that word which brings me to my next tip, remeber how i said be interesting, non-sequitors are a big part of being interesting, use them and use them often.

example:

hey isn’t it funny how COWABUNGA sounds like COWAJUNGA?

i just got a picture text message from my friend jamie of an elephant, having a cellphone is handy cos then you can be like hey look A PICTURE OF A FUCKING ELEPHANT, nice save jamie. if you can, get your friends to text you but not too many texts DON’T GET GREEDY, you are not a douchebag drug dealer and you are not yuppie mcflappy important talking on the phone non-stop annoying pants, if you want your celebrity to go away that is a sure-fire way of making it happen, dicknose.

uh what else oh yeah if celebrity gets bored they will go elsewhere in search of fun.

booze and blow are an obvious duh, having those things readily available is like wearing shoes, fucking WEAR THEM.

ok good luck.

me: im writing a guide to hanging with celebrities

me: dude im laughing my ass off right now
pitt is over
he just answered the fone CAPTAIN PITT
if someone called me in front of a celebrity i would answer the fone captain raymi
also he went to starbucks and asked the baristas if they ever pretend to be like sean penn from i am sam (retard who works at starbuck’s) and they just looked at him like he was being a prick

hmm it appears i have missed quite a few what should have been obvious pointers i mayhaps have to do a redux. saying mayhaps is ok but only if you say it no more than twice a year. redux is good too. you also need to be arrogant but not unjustifiably arrogant, you need to be arrogant with a sprinkle of humility and you have to be genuine. ok that is all good luck at being me, basically.

UNRELATED here is a picture of a goth wedding.

this bitch in the laundry room gave me cut-eye when i came in and then i went to use one of the dryers and i took out the lint trap and it was full of her fucking fluff lint and she had the nerve to give me stink-eye even when i said hello nicely to her IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE A DUMPY ASS AND UGLY SHORT HAIR AND YOU READ O MAGAZINE i’m so fucking sick of 35-45 year old women giving me attitude for no other reason other than i am younger fuck you when you were my age i was reading r.l. stine alone in my room all nite long it’s my turn now you fucking hag.

i DO ignore you, you guys ARE boring, i am NOT a hipster i don’t fucking care what you think about my blog you were just content fodder for five minutes and who said anything about journalism, you guys did, i take the piss out of everything and i write like a monkey and i’m STILL light years more interesting than you will ever be. ps you hate hipsters cos you are not cool and you are insecure and are pre-dissing hipsters cos you think they would dis you and yeah with your attitude, they probably would.
raymi | Homepage | 12.21.06 – 11:57 am | #

i do not even know the bands that you are referencing actually. so you hate a specific group of people because they like stuff that you don’t like, good for you, do you feel like you’re winning and the only one who has ever thought that before? actually, most hipsters fixate on wearing MODERN clothing NOT vintage. merkley suggested you should apologize so you came here and gave me a “lesson” and everything BUT an apology, why even bother? it appears you have the look-at-me factor not unlike the hipsters you can’t stop referencing, and merkley was making nice with you and you thought that yeah you were getting on and then he realised that you went and did the opposite of what he suggested so yes you blew it. so, i am looking at you, and, i don’t see much. you are depressed about being a dullard and that’s not my fucking fault nor problem. i’m sure you’re a nice person and reasonable but being uncool is not an excuse for poor behaviour and making your mind up about shit that you don’t know anything about. would you say any of this shit to my face, i doubt it. i don’t go judging people until i know enough about them and THEN i go to town. did you see me in that leafy forum calling shit on other people who all jumped on the hate on raymi’s blog bandwagon, no, i don’t have that kind of time and while i love when the subject is about me whether it negative or positive you guys were just pathetic you could’ve done better, should have done your research.
raymi | Homepage | 12.21.06 – 1:23 pm | #

so you weren’t expecting me to be so tough and that’s why you and yer crew attacked me that’s pretty mean i mean, objectively so, that people would attack some allegedly defenseless girl cos they think they are stronger than she is, that’s pretty low, and coming from ME wow that is saying a lot and luckily i am not defenseless. my archives are on my right sidebar down the page some, it’s a drop-down menu thing. don’t project your disdain for emo hipsters onto me why do you think i don’t use lj. also it was just a fluke that i name-dropped walmart and headaches i was not referring to you specifically at all but it’s funny that i was right, again.
raymi | Homepage | 12.21.06 – 2:19 pm | #

if you want to see what i am referring to go here.

GWLH meet RITA

me: i dont have time nor respect for people who aren’t cool and who do not respect themselves enough to become cool and they hate on those who have spent years fine-crafting their cool
don’t give me yer shit
coolness is an art and it is also a skill
it cannot be faked

merkley???: no kidding

me: it’s like gay you’re born with it

merkley???: cool is one of the rarest qualities
holy shit

me: hipster is just the current term for it or was in my opinion, cos, being cool, i know that hipster is pretty much over

merkley???: i just looked at her journal

me: even hipsters hate hipsters

merkley???: she is basically lilly tilly and hilly all rolled into one
http://violalee.livejournal.com/

me: HA
perfect
SORRY I DONT BLOG ABOUT WAL-MART AND QUILTS AND SEX AND THE CITY
not to mention livejournals are group blogs
so these people are not confident enough in their content to do it on their own
some stranger411 has to pipe in about their headache and cats

dfas/kjas kdjs

Hah

i walked around this store for an hour yesterday after being on a crowded fucking subway i found maybe 15 things for various people and a few things for me cos the only way i can deal with being out in public is dropping disgusting amounts of money on myself anyway after about an hour like i said i go to check-out and there are 40 people in line and growing fast around me i mean right before my eyes so i went to most of the tables and put all my shit back in the right places more or less and left in a very bitter frazzled mood.

do you know how irritating it is to walk around picking up items for the people you love and thinking about them very carefully each and every one of them, it takes up a lot of brain energy and then after an hour of walking around sweating in your jacket and your arm is numb from holding everything and your purse you go to pay and all that careful selecting was nothing but a huge waste.

so i went to the mall and walked around in a huge daze being bumped by everyone and their aunt and people having yelling conversations all around me i am never going back to the eaton centre around the holidays again and this time i fucking MEAN IT.

i went to le chateau and bought a sweater a hat some tights and socks and 120 dollars later i have ME totally covered and everyone else, i have not purchased one thing, for anyone, other than myself.

so i went to indigo and covered the rest of fil’s gift and waited in a line with 50 other people, but it moved quickly, and this dude behind me talked really loud about all sorts of stupid boring dumb shit and it forced me to grab jt’s futuresex/lovesounds and a bottle of water and drank it immediately.

oh my shin started hurting quite a bit, shin splints? anyway i felt old and lazy and ugly and crabby so i left the mall, went straight to a bar and played megatouch and drank 5 coronas and a shot of fireball, fil met up with me.

i use to love holiday shopping now i want to be catapulted into the sun THE FUCKING SUN YES!

i will buy everyone else their little trinket bullshits on friday and they will be nowhere near as cool as they would’ve been if i had sucked it up and waited in line for an hour. oh well.

dear everyone i am about to go on a mystical journey of christmas shopping by myself because i only have three friends anyway when i get back i will post links to things that i bought and i will likely have little anecdotes to share about paranoid thoughts i had on the subway as well as many insignificant, and irrelevant details and observations about my mystical journey.