Here’s what I REALLY looked like last night without the filter of bone-crippling self consciousness. As can be typical. These are just house posing shoes, I wore my classic black mary jane wedges instead of these. Of course.
Even though I cried at one point (thankfully not on stage) I still killed it. I’ll write down my material later after I do what I do best for a little bit: lie down on the couch drinking pop and watching tv. It feels like Christbreakfastmas break all over again, hello snow!
It always feels like that though for me and the moment it stops, my life will have gone to shit cos it means I had to get a real job and I hope that day never (ever) comes. That’s when you get pregnant! Kidding! Zing!
Here is evidence that I actually left the house yesterday.
I’m only wearing a bit of base so I look pretty native.
Kielce did a wicked job.
Who knew I’d have the same shade of my Grandmother’s hair so soon in life. I don’t even have any grey hairs yet, not that I’d ever get to see them at the rate I get my roots done but, this ashy tone finish is BOSS.
It’ll fade into the rest of the platinum though and all be the same eventually unless I get more purple hair wash (I will in the ‘burbs on the weekend it’s hard to find in the city or from any shoppers I ever go to here ugh) and then I can control and manipulate, lengthen out this tone/finish.
As it’s wet. Hair geniuses over at Brennen Demelo. I mentioned them in my standup too I was like, my hairs best balee they is sponsored mhhm honey childs I knows you is accustomed to impoverished and unsuccessful comedians up here but me, I am actually Made. Then I said some other funny stuff that won’t translate well here so I’ll save it.
Notation bible. That Vogue is in french so, I put it back on the table and read trash mags instead. My phone keyboard stopped working so I couldn’t get much work done. Sitting and being at rest is hard work, relaxing is also hard.
Charmaine got me this blythe book I tried to make my blythe tattoo talk on the mic when I pointed out that it was the same as the picture on my journal. No laughs. O-kay, carrying on then.
The top of my hair is light purple that fades into ice platinum ash. I kept my eyebrows dark. What a freak. Cunning. People might laugh at my jokes if they like me more and they will like me more if I am dressed like I eat whole wheat cookies and have an Etsy store. Zing!
Me and my best friend gingerale here, it is a good booze substitute and makes you skinny. The rest of this joke you will have to experience in person, I lose too many clients when I go too vulgar. It’s not me, it’s you!
My biggest fear and dream is coming true tonight! I’m doing stand up comedy. I have a book filled with “jokes” and hopefully I don’t choke. I’m doing my best to under-sell it cos I hope it’s only my comedy clique friends in attendance and I plan to get wicked skunked who knows what laundry I’ll air! I have been planning to do this for years and years and years and was told years and years ago that your first show is a complete write off anyway. I consider myself a funny motherfucker so, if I tank, IT WILL BE HARD. If all else fails I will just take my clothes off.
Starts at 9. Cherry Colas. Please don’t come.
Now I am rehearsing for my Valentine’s Burlesque show. Starting this one early it’s going to be a swank gala affair.
Do something that terrifies you weekly. Speaking of that, this is the calm before the pre-MTV storm that airs next Tuesday. They posted my profile and an abhorrent tweet of all my abhorrent tweets. Look beneath the video box, I am officially being Creeped now.
RAYMI
Status Update: “I look like I have a prosthetic 6 month preg stomach full of Chinese food and like 18 pops. hot. an alien is sucking up my nutrients.”
Employers: Raymitheminx.com, CEO
Relationship Status: N/A
Facebook Name: Raymi Lauren White
Facebook Friends: 2346
Twitter Followers: 3,206
Twitter Handle: @raymitheminx
NICE KNOWING YOU BEFORE MY LIFE WAS RUINED! Guys it’s been a time!
Dog walking gear. I made a shy old man blush he and his froofy haired dog left the park to Stella and I alone to run in circles in, people watching us from their condo balconies and construction workers while we go manic for a solid five minutes. She had a smile on her face the entire time and me too. Border Collie Blue Healers apparently are like siblings and we have a bond now that is strong plus we’re like caged lazy beasts with a lot of energy blabbity blah I am glad we did it cos it’s gross out today and she liked the rain as much as I don’t, as in, doesn’t. These are Bechnique’s walk of fame glasses I borrowed the other day. Maybe I should start “trying”.
This is still up and there’s an imposter in it. I have it lit up at the moment it is helping with the blahs.
There are no shortage of friends around here!
Wet hair. Can’t wait for a tinting today, I wanna go ashy white. I’m about to roll out a contest once I hit publish on this post. I want to win it, maybe I can get my own out of this, I hope so :). It’s probably the sexiest and raunchiest give-away yet.
Yesterday I was Tassi-modo Dragon (dArgonz!) Kuh-razy. Big Caffeine day. This is a cappuccino I’ve been playing mad scientist with mixing inserts and Courtney was wrong they’re not all that expensive after all, 6.99 from metro for 12 or 14. I’m not that into (at all) the cappuccinno milk because it’s chemical sweet-tasting but when I ran out of skim milk I’d use them, you shake them like crazy then pop them in before the shot of espresso, this one I added after a coffee blend can’t remember the name of not being paid to care (to get it right) so, I don’t! Lol.
Student gave teacher this mug. Brown noser.
Old jacket.
MY JACKET!
Gaahah stupid face.
The dumbest and the best thing I own. Maybe I’ll enlarge and make it my twitter background? I’ll go do that, Happy Thursday. Thirsty Thursdays in Toronto rule, everyone gets fucked up! I’ve been too reclusive of late so I’m going out on the town to-night, going to drop in “casually” (scared out of my mind!) on Cherry Colas and do standup comedy FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and the title of this post is the only joke I have prepared the second being one about Marvin Gaye being straight that’s NOT FUNNY. BYE!
This is so 80’s I came from the 80’s to say what’s up. Teacher quoted a tweet the other day to me, watch out girls born in the 80’s, it’s girls born in the 90’s! Yeeowch. Lol. Who cares, like fine wine, the cream of the crop gets tastier, I know tons of older than me hot chicks too, tons. And do I look scared? Some younger chicks look like slobs, slobby teenage boys. I’m classy and dainty like a firefly fairy.
He also said he made chicks at work feel bad for telling them I was 5’9 and 117. He doesn’t want me to have any fucking friends I swear it haha.
Have to watch it with my face though from smiling and getting skinnier, don’t look down I guess?
Hahaha uhhh.
Slowly but surely. Don’t feel as badly now cos a girl on FB said she has two trees, a black and a white one that hasn’t taken down yet. TWO!
Sorry but that shit is fabulous. That’s TWO F-bombs in a post.
This is what it’s called obvi it works cos I am puketastically gorge.
Meanwhile this is the garbage I exclusively put in my temple. Thank god for Jamba, the only healthy stuff that I ever consume.
I’d still dig a pizza sponsor, holla! Hey Mado’s glad ya made it.
Guess my toppings. Best pizza ever I made from my own design, major accomplishment when all you did was blog about yourself all damn day long.
And a philly on thin crust. Forgot the pops though, night-ruining.
I swear it’s like I hate myself or something, here is one mental problem that I will admit to, when I eat I think it instantly affects me like I will feel like an actual tray of lasagna, but no siree, these photos indicate otherwise. My metabolism just ushers that shit right on out the door. It’s part stress and the only time this ever happened before in my life was after myinfamous breakup. The trick is to stop trying to play fortune teller about it though and see where it is going to go or lead to, or why it is happening. You drive yourself insane.
Dancing helps a lot, being theatrical about your life and enjoying it.
Living under a microscope misguides people into believing they can control my life on this blog like Choose your Own Adventure, this is MY adventure.
I hate myself enough everyday a lot of the time and I hide my suffering in my blog. Yes I am an amazing woman and it is ok to like me and recognize that you don’t have to throw rocks at me.
I don’t talk about my relationship because I am protective of it I don’t think if we broke up the newspapers would write about it. Again. But I certainly would be made fun of or abused until I confessed what happened and THEN they would write about it. I have been living as a real life science experiment specimen for the majority of my adult life, that person that everybody looks at and waits and wonders about, before this internet thing, and voila now I am fucking doing it or “it is all happening” “man” but it saddens me to know that with this flush of fame and attention will also bring a whole lot of HATE. Hate that I already get, day in and out for eleven years like eating pizza all the time and saying funny cynical shit is a bad thing, you guys suck Chuck Klosterman’s fucking dick all the time and the dude sucks, whines more than I do and makes novels out of the shit!
The mother of an ex bf said it was because I am skinny, when he told her that every Oakville girl was mean to me, the first time I ever experienced cattiness via passive aggression, stone-walling. Jealousy? What is that? I know, naive right? Right.
The first time I ever met other Laurens, but pronounced that way. It wasn’t til I bit back as our relationship was deteriorating that these girls were nicer to me, respected me. This guy was making me look dumb behind my back too with his turnstile of young dumb chicks so I am certain that neither helped me. We’re all good now and grown up and past it, friends as well even.
The point is, tall poppy syndrome is deadly. MTV is def setting me up for a great fall here but maybe not? AT THE END OF CLIP 4 the one that says “final decision” after you wait for the Jersey Shore ad to end, you will see the preview for my episode of Creeps that airs next week, Tuesday. It’s the third episode. Only in Canada though. Which sucks but maybe some internet whiz can figure it out for the Yanky Little Raymis.
Time to watch some of these dopey vids from last night and decide what’s for dinner.
Here’s a sweet fan Email I received today from a Little Raymi!
take yo praise!!
hey there superstar, just wanted to say how much i’ve enjoyed your site in the last few days. i stumbled upon it while searching for archive photos of toronto (how weird is that?), and find your energy, style, and love for the city to be quite inspiring. being a 40 yr. old guy i’m well outside your target demographic, and while i spent many years as a music writer for a popular weekly here, i’m certainly not part of “the scene” anymore, and your pics of nightlife have brought back many great memories as well, so thanks!
my girlfriend is quickly becoming quite the fan as well and we’re both a little dumbfounded by the amount of hate mail you seem to recieve. i guess a lot of people have a lot of free time. not to mention issues. anyway, i obviously have some free time as well, and after a seemingly long list of people attacking you for your looks and attitude i felt compelled to say i think your doing a great job and to keep it up. anyway, i’m sure you get these sorts of emails all the time, but it’s always nice to hear that someone thinks you’re great, non?
ps: that teacher seems like a good, solid guy – hope you two stay happy & together.
all the best,
brent
this email ruled! tell your wife thanks and chat me up anytime. ive always been drawn to an older crowd, thanks to being so smart, so being 40 means nothing to me (until i am it lol). its cool you found me. took you long enough!
you’re an old, washed up hag. the second hand embarrassment i feel for you and your pathetic life is actually amazing. the five minutes hours or less (definitely more) i’ve spent on your blog has provided me with all the entertainment in the world. keep on keeping on, you 30-year-old soft-bodied piece of shit. and yes i have a private twitter…to keep stalking, elderly shitbags like you off of my page. you don’t deserve to even speak to someone of my caliber. run along now.
Is this the ass of a washed up hag? Soft-bodied? Hysterical. And these shots are just shit I have laying around, I am a pro and legend. You found me in some girl’s blog comment forum of all places and then started stalking me from there, so, sad you must have had absolutely nothing to do than to read 130 comments one day (the point is make your own damn blog L-oser I did and now I’m famous so feel sorry for your own un-famous ass, not mine!) you came on to my radar and I’m supposed to be the loser here heheh. See you around cos I know you definitely won’t stop stalking me now, how does it feel to know some chick is older than you AND immensely hotter? You failed. And no it isn’t all about being hot, but when you attack my looks and age, these are the topics on the table of discussion. I deal with matters as they arise like any adult might.
Maybe it hasn’t occurred to you that this blog isn’t JUST for little fuckin’ girls anymore.
Never was.
Also, might I remind this twerp that they sought me out and were so humbled by my beauty, intellect, amazing artistic, fun and enchanting life, they just HAD to express “I pity you” to me. Haters all suffer from Debbie Downer syndrome, massive inferiority complexes, and self-delusion (lie to themselves constantly). You’re the sad girl in the bar glowering at everyone having a great time. Ouch. Anything negative you output comes back on you and the nasty shit you spread came from a nasty place, YOUR FACE. When I feel like shit I do not take it out on other people, I play better until I feel better. Your true colour is dirt from some kind of inner-hurt.
Don’t blame it on a Raymbo.
ps. nice work with the infamous troll-style of adding two years to my age, I see what you did there, Lolz! I don’t deserve to talk to someone of your caliber? WELL SHUT UP THEN! You are so full of shit, you actually desperately WANT my attention and now I will go back to paying you the attention you deserve: NONE!
French eyebrows indeed. Lets watch/listen to Amelie! When I took all this shit off I was looking at my skin and thought holy fuck I have been wearing a mask my entire life, so much makeup. I am so much prettier without makeup, but the colour of the skin around my eyes looks like I was punched in the face, it’s too euro for me. Not pretty. I want to reach a happy medium. I like euro I just don’t want to look like I scrub potatoes all day.
Took all the decorations off the tree.
Yeeugh haha my roots.
Can you detect the lezbo bait? Also, I’m so distant! I have to run by the Beaver as fast as I can with Stella LOLOL They chase me down the street! Then I break in to a Snoop Dog strut and they faint and drop like flies. I can relate to Justin Bieber, I really can. More like Justin Beaver. My new EVERYTHING NAME!
Dunno why I interrupted tv time to blog this pile of garbage.
Not only do I do twice weekly mud masks, I now cleanse with some age-prevention something or other (I’ll show you a picture of the bottle) and then I use a toner. The stuff you put on cotton pads that seems pointless and like a gimmick hoax, it’s just clear liquid that smells like pretty disinfectant, but it was expensive and by Nivea and the other shit was quite costly too. Teacher got me the mud mask he said was between $10 and $20 if it is expensive I like it. So I use three things in total and yes I am bragging because normally I pass out in my makeup, that I have been wearing since grade 8. I am blessed with ok-ish skin but I have been treating it like garbage for years so now I am going to give it some love.
Reminds me of the Batman chicks, the original cinematic expression with Jack Nicholson, Why was that chick’s face all hacked off, then covered in plaster of paris? These are the great mysteries of my time.
Scandinavia is calling. I have a wee hint of that in my blood. #truth.
These are pretty trashy and funny, the garter set and it fits funny but fits all the same. I want couture, something from agent provocateur. Hook it up so I don’t look like a hooker anymore and crazy people don’t throw food at me in parkdale restaurants hahaha.
I have been criticizing the hell out of this, I should learn photoshop or filters. This was in my rolodex of “online modelling” moves when I was 19. MTV will be making fun of me for that. Pfft. I made a lot of money, honey. It was all show and I was a tourist in the scene, young and dumb. No regrets homies.
Teacher chose the pasties, I want to start making my own or branching out to Yonge Street.
This is only making the cut because the bristles are the same size of my belly button and it is amusing to me. The little things. It’s a designer Nazi toothbrush.
My Little Raymi friend Erica got me this set (it came with the scientist lab coat), she’s a great chick and I treasure her support and friendship.
Get yourself jacked for shoots, get those muscles toned or whatever there is that there is, help the definition shine through.
You can almost imagine me with black hair here, I’d look pretty dark all the time, Milla Jovovich I get a LOT when I have black hair, this length. DO not tempt me.
