Author Archives: raymi

I just want to be a unicorn

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I was going to call this blog post LEGS ASS AND RIBS but I didn’t want to pigeonhole myself, I mean. I like this title better.

Plus, despite the onslaught of raymi selfies you’re gonna see here, there’s more to life than that. I think but I’m not sure. One thing I wanted to discuss in particular was the topic of nudes and what I think about the current affairs of today and how they pertain to me of course.

Actually, just thinking about this topic has exhausted me. Who doesn’t have nudes out there? Who doesn’t put clothes on everyday and put their shit together and not take ONE teeny picture? To send to a friend? Hello snapchatters. Anyway, it’s a giant wake up call is all and made me cringe a wee bit cos I sure as pie have been generous in the nudie-takey dept over the years, so… AND of course there’s the unmentionables a la #jlawleak we may or may not send to friends for a laugh because why not. All it takes is one of those “friends” to get a little sharesy though. I am just imagining the shit show that could be undone of all the nudes we have on each other and who will (if ever) press the button. Some people might be of the if I’m going down, you’re coming with me mindset.

Do I feel bad for Jennifer Lawrence? Yes. Is a piece of my heart blackened thus rendering me indifferent to all other bullshit and things that happen in the universe? Totally. Is this going to hurt her in any actual way? Negatory. And thus, the circle of oh big deal whatever is complete. She looks amazing in those photos. My mom said she looked like me in one and I was kinda like yeah I know but also kinda like where did my mom see nudes of me like that before? Haha.

Anyway, the internet is divided into victim shaming, blaming and discussion in general as it does when any celeb so much as farts the wrong way and I am already over it. Except I hear there’s a bj video that might drop which will suck for her lol nice pun.

It’s sad that women still have to fight to take control of our bodies and we always get razzed for it, most disgusting of all, by other women. The way I see it, if you’re at a place where you can enjoy and be comfortable in your own body then you should celebrate and show it off as much as you can because that confidence goes away at some point and you’ll pine for the days when you didn’t care.

Why would I go to the trouble to colour co-ordinate, dye my hair, fix my nails – to please just one person I see that day? No. I want to capture it for posterity and use it as content for my people. Try to be original about it, varietal.

Why am I even defending it? I’m not although it sounds like it. I am simply just saying. I feel like there are certain people in my feed who only added me out of a sick fascination obsession that relies on making fun of everything I post. Every selfie I put up and then sniggering about it to themselves. Who is the loser then here? Me or them? If I am such a tool then why look at me everyday. To make yourself feel better about yourself? Anyway, the fascination/obsession with celebrity and spying on our friend’s lives on bragbook isn’t a healthy one. To think there are actually people out there who do not participate in facebook, I mean I get it we all go on vacation and turn off our phones at some point but the thought still blows my mind as someone who is so deeply connected to social media and all the lovely garbage of the internet. I really need to kick this habit though or at east augment it so I am just a millionaire comedian who tweets witty one-liners that everybody loves.

Photographing our lives nowadays is simply part of the human experience. For some people, more than others and some more than that even.

Soul food in hell.

Okay. Let me tell you about Uncle Sam’s now. First, they won FIRST PLACE BST SAUCE! Second, they took care of me all weekend long and I capital love them and so do all my friends go life! I will never forget the day I first sauntered up to them 4 ribfests back and it wasn’t even about scoring ribs it was about not waiting in a huge line (good ribs equal long line) it was their energy and I love their hustle game plus they seem to like me and admire my own brand of insanity. I wish I could tell you more. One day in the autobio behind the raymi scenes like VH1.

In total: 3 whole racks of ribs
2 chickens
2 bottles of Uncle Sam’s Rib Sauce

I have an idea for a book again.

Like me! The future is yours!



I am retirig these shoes for a bit or wearing socks with them if possible. Went for a night walk in these and my feet are not happy with me for it.

We were in heaven. Thanks Uncle Sam’s!!!! I miss you already. :( Congrats on the win, have fun in Aurora and see you next year!

The people have spoken. Immortalized forevs ILU guys.

Stuff like this is what makes blogging worthwhile more so absolutely. If you want some raymi social medai gravy magic hit me up ;).

Me and some chill po po. You know, all weekend long if I wasn’t imbibing at ribfest in one way or another then I was running through it and checking out all the cops and don’t you know they be checkig me out too. You know I have a cop fetish right? They terrify and excite me. I feel drawn to them and then I run away without making eye contact as a pack stare me down. I guess it is weird to be a runner in a crowd you kinda stand out dressed in terminator gear.

You have a lot of self reflection time when you run and if you write it comes back in fragments to you, a thought, a moment. But all of it alone, spent alone. Watching. being watched. I live a lonely sailor’s life it seems. Summer is important to me because of this isolation. I mean. I have a lot of friends and suitors but if the soul is always seeking and searching it will neve stop and it always needs down time, thus be the timeline of my life.

This east coast celtic band were such a good time. One of those moments you’re glad you stopped. I stopped the next day on my run and stood in the sun to tan my face while a band played zeppelin and a girl got up to sing Journey with them, then they did my G’N’R fav, I boogied a little. Running without listening to music is an entirely different experience. I could hear the things I normally do not. When I start gunning for it at one point a dude in said Yeah work it! at me. It’s empowering and encouraging. I try to do run squat lunges. In my mind I look like a gazelle and not goig to lie or deny that I do have grace in my movements when I lap and run. I don’t care. It makes people smile. I have a routine. One day I will stop telling and start showing.

Always an impressive spread.

Back to reality now though and boot straps done pulled up. Yeah right haha.

If you accidentally swim with Canadian money you will be okay btw now you know.

Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy the shorter week. xo rlw.

to defend or unfriend

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Hello people that I know and some that I do not, how was your summer? When is it officially “over” anyway? That’s okay, I don’t even want to talk about it. I am being a total whiner. Some friends of mine lament that they haven’t taken advantage of summer anyway, and I thoroughly have – there isn’t one rock in this whole durn town that I haven’t looked under, you know? I think the vanity side of me is uber terrified I’m gonna get fall plump and winter fat. Actually no. My stay slick contingency plan is to booze less when it’s cold and do more indoor cardio, join a gym and cry on a treadmill instead. Then in ten months it will be warm again. Fucking Canada, right?

I’ll be able to get my book done and work in general instead of running out the door all the bloody time like the bouncy squat dance running asshole I am. Getting a wicked tan though. My forehead is so brown. My face just looks better tanned. When it’s white you can actually see how haggard and french I am. I want to have a perma-tanned glow like wrinkled bags who make beach the epitome of their entire lives, who when you talk to them all you’re thinking is I bet there isn’t one inch on that entire body that has a white patch on it. Then you inspect beneath their eyes and marvel at how they don’t even look aged somehow from all that tanning, yeah sure there’s a tidal wave of folds and crow’s feet maybe but it’s all delicately bundled up in TAN. Sign me up.

Go Karting was amazing this week. This week was spent cramming as much summer insanity into it as possible. We went back again and your hero crashed into a bunch of tires and didn’t even fucking care. Good thing I had a shirt on that said I literally do not care. I choked. Couldn’t even think to hit the brakes and I was going so fast I crashed through two layers of tires and they weren’t even mad at me. I had the faster car and we were fucking with each other on our last lap, ran out of straight road I was so immersed that I didn’t see the curve and I went straight through it. Exhilarating. Maybe watching two Formula One movies in a row influenced me. It happens. Like how my brother and I used to drown each other as different characters from X-Men in the pool at a resort one Thanksgiving weekend, good times.

The first 7 laps of the day (pre-pool) I drove like a lady however, though.

Anyway, if you go to Go-Karts make sure you get car 15. The second time I drove it I could tell it had a long day of being rode dirty it wasn’t as tight and I sure as hell wasn’t any easier on ‘er.

Requisite pantsless selfie. Yawn.

My Peg Bundy look. My buddy says he actually knows her IRL (she’s also a singer) and he said I was prettier. Uh mean! She is a goddess. I checked the hashtag on instagram of peg bundy and all her outfits from Married with Children are completely amazing. Lots of 80’s spandex leotards over tights, belted, and a cigarette always dangling from her face. QUEEN.

Rocked Kelso beach too.

Have sudden desire to watch Top Gun. Tom Cruise is so short they had a body double tall guy take that epicinematic spike, eh? This blog is educational!

When the sun went down all the people cleared out and it was pretty nice.

Lovely.

See how sweaty my forehead is? That’s my forehead working on a tan. I have a slight brown moustache tan too I think I must have swiped a line of hawaiian tropic oil across my upper lip because WTF!!!??? hahaha

Do I look worried though?

Miley Cyrus update: doesn’t care.

Never stop being adorable or spotting and delighting, highlighting, the whimsical. Never change. No matter how much I tell you to. Best piece of never I’ve received lately. The only thing I change is my look. A leopard can’t change their spots… I have a vision of myself in the future for what my “look” goal is and I hope I attain it. People are obsessed right?? Whatever, it gets me through my life. It is armour. I never want to be rejected ever again. That’s when I started running absolutely everyday like a gladiator. Rejection is a thing we cannot control but we can try and along the way other opportunities arrive because when you work on yourself you are a magnet. Your lit fire gives off energies to those like-minded, who know what’s up and as far as I am concerned it is all good.

Dressing like wait staff at the “fancy” restaurant. I mean I have all these corporate shirts they’re not gonna just wear themselves plus I always kind of dress like a lesbot anyway.

If you can’t read my writing it says, “with their fucking lives” and guess what I am talking about?

Hi Oakville, I look like a meatball! Don’t care/explaining anyway (PMS), it’s just the pose.

Couldn’t resist.

Good morning Vietnam

I like that I have rib friends I see each year, they practically come to my doorstep. I did the whole campy raymi the Minx thing while the entire line watched as I held an Uncle Sam’s trophy above my head. I didn’t pay attention but my camera guy did and was blown away all night long by the reaction I garnered at rib fest. Definitely a walking scene, I is.

Visited Amy yesterday and she’s doing well, so good to see her. We worked the Canadian Open together last year on the 18th hole VIP tent for 4 days. SHIT SHOW! Lolollllll. I think we hated each other for awhile afterward ahahha. Amy and I have been friends since I moved to Oakville at 21. That chick is a vault so don’t even try it!

I just ran out of steam.

I was gonna just wear a plaid shirt with sleeves for some boring fucking reason but then I said wait a minute I have this with me too maybe it can work. I instantly became 100% more conceited and it was off to the races.

One whole rack of ribs plus 2 bottles of sauce to go. I doubt my plaid shirt would have been so successful. Thanks Uncle Sam’s BBQ see you today/tomorrow for judging. All of my friends who have gone have been floored by your ribs.

Caught a celtic east coast band too that was awesome. Under my favourite weeping willow tree. People danced. Lots of drinking. The best thing about ribfest compared to sound of music festival is you can walk around with your drinks you don’t have to be jammed in a gated off area like dogs. Give’r!

Love the pool at the lakeview. It was practically empty so felt pretty resort-like.

ILUGuys. Enjoy the Labour daze w/e now ya hear? xo raymbo

Fame or flame.

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Hi sports fans! Happy Wednesday, like it matters! I mean, make it count! Can’t stop yelling!

Tanned, ran twice yesterday and it made for flawless legs. I’m sorry. There’s something about denim, a tan. Black shoes. Sneakers. Good for sneaking!

Took some practise shots yesterday. I wanted to see how my New Orleans bunny crawl suit fits now that I am all exercisey and shit. With a face like that and the ray bans it came out a bit more Gummo than Playboy lol. Wait until you see where the location will be haha oh god.

Okay. So when I go on my run I have a few regular bars I run into and use their bathrooms. Get them to fill up my water bottle. Tell them IOU. One place I am like, well, you ARE a sports bar right as I drip sweat all over their fucking floor and take a million selfies in the bathroom mirror. I have a speech prepared for never about how it’s good for the community for runners to be able to take from local establishments (things like water and toilets) because it continues the circle of community. Hahaha. When you run you have a lot of thinking time. Like, why am I running so much for?

I rewarded myself with a steak salad and pint. I haven’t eaten out alone in a long time. Summer is almost over. I will for sure enter a depression. Suit up with an autumn running outfit. Sigh. Layers. Fuck off. I will slap a pumpkin spice latte out of your hand.

I talked to a guy in perriwinkle pants. He golfed that day. He looked as red as I was feeling in the sun. Which is out again so after my buddy leaves from lunch I’m a do my thing-a-ling. I am going to be on Toronto Mike’s podcast tomorrow at 1pm btw. Don’t miss it. @TorontoMike I dunno what the link is yet.

Ah gad. Good luck figuring out what the podcast link is guys!!!!! http://www.torontomike.com/podcast/.

Okay I shall continue when I get back from my psycho killer Qu’est-ce que c’est run.

Holding her purse. Now that is a man. I try to get guys to hold my purse all the time. HAhaha. Where is this guy when I need him in my arguments about how masculine it actually is to carry your ho’s purse.

My ipod flew out of my pocket yesterday and finally smashed. Still works. My running safari dork shorts from MEC are too loose on me now and all my shit exploded out of them yesterday. It is SO embarrassing when you’re running like the olympics blasting by people and then all of those same people see your ipod slide down the street at the same speed you were just running. Men always pick it up for me though so there’s that. Then I run away mortified but don’t care cos there are all new people to embarrass myself in front of just around the corner, or perhaps not. From all the training and running and dancing I do I’m becoming hella co-ordinated athleticly speaking. Don’t worry you will see.

It’s a great place to live actually.

Shit went down in Btown eh! Click to enlarge and learn!

Love it. Stay tuned.

This was my second run yesterday. It was more of a saunter. But still. I was psycho for sun and boy I sure got it.

Matchy matchy. Today it was blue socks and blue hat.

Hate myself for pigging out last night.

And the day before that. Someone said we work out so we can do this and not the other way around.

Munchkinland vibes around these parts sometimes.

It was so good though!

We listened to the waves my friend and I. He pointed them out. I remembered why I chose this place. It was quite majestical. When I turn down the music I can hear them right now, anytime.

Someone said I was hot. Like, they got problems now hot. I assisted in that quote. I am full of ‘em by George.

I am a pig.

Oh yeah these stupid ones. Gloomy dark faced (I was hung) but you can see my abs/def.

It’s like a Hooters bikini haha.

I’m a feminist.

Nothing like fresh towels.

Being coached (lol) to do weights now which I am going to pick up immediately after I publish this.

New Playboy Energy Drank VSpot is out btw. A new one is on the way soon too.

I had to crop this SFW. ;)

Bye now.

I will give you something else

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Hi! *waves* and other emoticons.

Sometimes I feel like I am such a giant big mouth and I have all these things to say, all these thoughts to share and then become fatigued by it and the time I make to commit to, writing. It’s like I could just talk about anything, spin a yarn in detail and at length about any bullcrap here and it doesn’t really matter so much as I am typing. Woah. David Suzuki staring into the eye of an evergreen tree. Exactly.

I have put myself out there to be this next big something I hope I am not choking under the weight of my own ambitions. I have a lot of public speaking, and scarier yet, writing, in my future and I am feeling all spoken out. I’m just shaking out my fears is all.

It has been an interesting, interesting summer. Another one for the fucking books lol. Aren’t they always like pyro though? A significant summer: that has lit a fire beneath my ass! Like it?

My tagline (a new peer bosom buddy mentor of sorts has decided to grant me a to-decide/do list) or “a” tagline is this. Let me know what you think. Raymi the Minx: A flavour you want. Ruminate.

Anyway. Marketing aside. As blathering on before about not knowing what to say, it all comes from thoughts which drive you and you ride through and you’re just like riding through your life basically propelled by your own thoughts. These things spill onto social media and the like. Just riding through my life. That’s my stunted Bob Dylan-y jive and all I wanted to say. I’m being influenced by True Detective right now. I fancy myself talking gritty, curt.

By the time I am fit enough to wear these custom Hooters outfits I can’t find the orange booty shorts. I wore my blond wig and the shirt for Halloween actually.

Oh god not my best work but whatever. I’m like a wounded court jester ahaha. Like I give a damn. Sean Connery voice.

Damara has a shoe problem.

Damara I miss you xo.

My Hobbit hole. The lake is my view right out of that window. Come over and let me read my poetry to you Bahhahahahhaha. No seriously. Gahhaha. Jkjkjk.

I just whatsapped this to Stephy and said come and read my shitty poetry. hah.

After this I have to get semi-pretty for a potential wedding crashing and what not and what not my way through life.

Last time I posted a hooters pic someone believed I was working there. Half awesome half sad. Like if there was a new Half Baked starring female stoners and one of them were me, working at hooters. Yo I would f–ing watch that! See how it says raymi the minx for the billionth time on my shirt. Did you know the backstory to these uniforms I received? It is SUCH a good one. You will hear it one day.

RBG is amazing times. Going back soon.

Selfie nuts. Need more events in Btown.

I run absolutely everyday though.

Have a great night!

Play hard to forget

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Hello Jabrones. Hi it’s just me here killing time and not myself. RIP R Williams.

I am actually waiting for my “literary agent” to pick up the damn phone! I am happy to inform you lot, that I have unearthed my How to be Famous on the Internet manuscript and because it sounds a wee bit dated in parts I thought I might share some of this load of crap I’ve been sitting on since I first sat down in rural Northern Ontario someplace and begun writing it. *Licks finger/turns page.

What I am going to do with my self-made how-to story novella is upgrade it with what is happening in the worlds online today, in particular, pertaining to myself of course (Raymisms and so on, essentially) and whatever the fuck else I make up about the rest. It’ll be good don’t worry. I am trying to speak as vaguely as possible before a smart person beats me to the punch this time. THEN, once I finish this Godforsaken “gateway” book I can move on to the next ones and be JK Rowling. Jkjkjjkjk Rowling.

Okay hi I’m back just had our call and now I am capital psyched. We discussed publishers. It’s a go. I was like refamiliarize yoself! Im’a be buggin’ you like hell! My agent always says, get it on paper. Which I never do. Well I do but it’s funny we are discussing books in this day and age. I’m like well, you’re still in business bro so I guess people still read books. We discussed you guys too. The “Little Raymis”. Oh it’s so exciting! Bang a gong bro! If all else fails we will just put a gigantic picture of my ass on the cover. Word.

Expect more Raymi. But maybe don’t! Because I’m not supposed to be here. The immediacey of blogging is still desirable, the feeling I get from it and the people I reach, touch with my work and inspire. Minx, perhaps. Flirt with. Talk shit to. Oh the internet is the fucking best, can I get a hell yeah and an amen? Thank you.

The internet brought me Damara, so… yeah.

The adventure continues/I got things to pretend to do so see ya. Here is one excerpt from my book.

How to be famous on the Internet. I will tell you how I did it and through that perhaps you can glean your own infamy course of action. Essentially, all the bells, whistles, and gimmicks of being an internet celebrity are merely simplistic no-brainer hallmarks of a successful businessperson. Talk a good game, be one step ahead, be smooth, motivational speaking type shit. This book is a novel under the guise of a guide. I am using talking points from my how to be famous on the internet lectures, of which I have given many, as my chapter titles. Not only will you learn how to be famous on the internet, you will also learn how to write. First you learn how to write, then you learn how to harness your writing skill for online domination. If you’re here not to learn anything other than how I do, just taking a seat along for the ride, that’s fine too.

xo R/L

ps. if you also just haven’t gotten enough, I tumbl.