the following is partial-satire so don’t lose your cool ok.
Dear Raymi, you stung me a little bit. I just wanted to know why and how come I found out via your blog you were finished with me?
Now if you know who I am and who I hold court with you can get any and all ideas of which posse members I am referring to when I say about a month ago i piledrove a friend of mine like she was a cat in heat and I have never seen a fountain like that before, though I’ve never been to DisneyWorld so. Err, this is a little hard to write because it’s going against the conservative Toronto grain. I just don’t know what happened or when, but, it seems people are mellowing out and getting it on all around you. With each other!
When we go out for a night, I know that without a doubt, I must come out on top if I want to get laid this evening. I must dress better, look better, and be on my game.
Women beat men population-wise so we have more competition. This fact is made apparent when we go out at night. Suitable men we’d consider giving it to are few and far between and what’s more is they don’t fucking approach you. I am going to start referring to myself as butch aggressor because that’s how I feel when I speak to men. I am a completely different person now that I’m not engaged anymore. When I moved back to the city I would pick up a dude, a fucking stud top notch, DAILY. A new breed of woman is on the rise, men.
Not yet named but, for now we’ll call us “girl players”. I, am one of these prizes. A girl player is a mid-twenties urban force to be reckoned with, she is successful, coveted by marketers, parties, pr, events all that stupid fucking garbage. She’s fucked someone you love, someone with influence, money. She doesn’t fall in love because she has no feelings. Her real relationship is her career. She is focused and determined to beat you other women, and men, without question. It was a man’s world until we ate most of you and the other contender big players out there in our peer group, achieving as much as we do, do not exist because they followed the rock dream or make peanuts in whatever plebian creative field they went after. sorry.
I started feeling crazy by the tenth dude, a total ten, I picked up and was trying to juggle/manage along with the famous rock and roller with the enormous wang, the hot teacher, the hot famous indie professional, and so on, it was just, too much. I realized these semi-relationship entanglements were getting in the way of true love, destroying my perception of it. I was trying to pin down man players, multiples of them, at the same time. My ego knows no bounds.
So I lost my game or something and one by one I let them all fizzle out. I became human again. I focused on myself and my work instead, then I became a fucking animal about that.
Sometimes I forget that part of my career is hugely focused on being hot, being a parody of a person, with lots of platinum hair white teeth and sex. There are others like me, we hang out. When we go out, we get to use our notoriety to do whatever we please. It’s ridiculous. We never admit to competing in the business world together but in man world, in the jungles and dancehalls, after a long fucking bastard work week, I am going to fuck everything in sight and blow off steam all over that prey. If I can snag it first.
weird bubble day. snow shuts it all down. the night before it like christmas eve. we went to mitzi’s and we drank. i cannot wait for winter to be over and to blame everything on something new.
the chicken rotisserie at easy, on spelt. we loved this spelt. soon i’ll be getting my hands on some spelt bread at shasha for the family day tour of the factory. oh and before i forget/unrelated, erica come to saturday boot camp with me. it’s $25 bones. anyone else game let me know. i missed my session today and james got wicked pissed at me for it though i thought my colleague canceled it for me. he did not. tell me, when someone says to you in text at 8am “i canceled the gym today” do you interpret that to mean FOR YOU or “i took care of it” ? yes. me too. thanks for agreeing with me. if i get in shit from one more fucking person i am going to take up monster truck racing (passengering) and ride over garbage and houses be totally destructive until my contact rage passes.
did i tell you we are naming all of the rooms in advhaus yet? i’m telling you this because we haven’t named the dining room yet. the hallway is called amazon river.
it’s windy like a river and long and scary and things might bite you and pull you under (down the stairs) i wonder if our cheese boutique platter will be ready in time for this saturday night (our jambo at salvador darling) please do come, it will be the first of a monthly series of adventurehouse on the road parties. my room is called tickle trunk grove. the livingroom is partially known as curtains place. FACEBOOK INVITATION LINK
you are seriously mistaken if you think it’s not going to be slammed. no one’s shouted out a dress theme yet but you know me, i like to bring it in the attire department and don’t you know melodiva also likes to kick it. ooh maybe she’ll go as jenean, the mean babysitter. super mean.
oui oui. ok i just figured it out, it’s lady night a la revolutionary road and if you make one mad men reference you can fucking forget about it right now. real life shit only.
look it’s me hi i am cute it’s true, we can talk about it. i’m open. sometimes i feel bad for people who get conned into looking deep into my scandinavian wood wife good looks i know it’s coming and then SLAM right in the face what a eye scoop. i know it should be an eye scoop but i’m really trying to drive the stupidity personae today. then steer it right into tomboy jerkoff. they’re pretty tied.
home made thai curry made just for me by a special buddy. what is the male equivalent to the saying special lady friend? hahaha. very nice evening. watched the sag awards was utterly confused by it the entire time. betty white you my girl, ho. fo sho.
look what i did. i enjoy obsessively tidying up after myself killing time until the next task. a lot of a type personalities are like this. total sickness. don’t worry i do not make a habit of this shit. feeling the need to clean up psychotically to make your partner love you more is desperate and sad. guess how many times i used to do it all the time. cleanliness is a buffer.
i was proud of this. the american runs the dishwasher for like three cups and a bowl. madness. typical american. i had three cups of those instant starbucks jobbies. i like them. very easy. will start doing that now and kill the planet until starbucks is synonamous with wal*mart.
jesus so angry. kind of scary in a psychic’s crystal ball reading of my valentine’s day future if it doesn’t go the way i want i will be standing in my room staring into betty‘s eyes. they are very nice and soft to squeeze like a tension ball i can tell the foam core is similar to some orthopedic pillow stuffing.
dude relax! ok here’s what the cute and clever copy on the tags read:
a monster named betty
when watching sentimental movies with her friends, betty is the only one who doesn’t cry. she’s a “realist”.
she’s made in toronto and is organic hippie nerd approved. alrighty i asked for two so i could give one away. so, who wants a betty? what sad bastard chick like me out there with anger problems and quite possibly other mental ailments needs a litle pick-me-up in the mail care of aunt raymi? ***tell me why in the comments i should send you a betty*** so we can be betty friends wow is this gay or what and you know what i’ll open it up to dudes, you have feelings too right? somewhere in there. say it don’t spray it. you have until saturday.
thought about going to the roundhouse saturday night but it was a $600 ticket for a japanese festival dinner of some sort. hmm, that’s a little out of my price range and i don’t care enough about it to make calls and make it happen. we went out for cheaper sushi elsewhere on queens quay.
dreary out there. i was warm up in a cloud smoking clouds the wifi was out (i unplugged the jack a bit oops) i obsessively cleaned the condo lovingly did the dishes worked on the bed took a lot of photos of myself, enjoyed the vitamin d from the sky and all the window light cos i know i don’t get enough of that, i’m a bit of a hermit and adventurehouse is also know as curtains place, swathed in weatherstripping i literally live in a bubble wrapped room. quite cozy though.
snow queen. i have no idea why people try to tell me they like my dark hair better like i asked (please shut up already or write it in your nerd journals i’m fucking busy)(this guy de-friended me over it! he’s the one who started it and got rude then personally attacked me).
taking photos like this is a trip, back to the old school. is it good? we soon shall see. it has actually re-ignited my fondness of photography and if these are in fact any good then we know i am skilled.
skilled and beautiful. i have my poses down pat. melodie said she doesn’t pose, jokingly as i was taking her photo and she was posing and i said well do you want to look good in a picture or not? up to you.
this part of my outfit is the hunter from red riding hood and robin hood. did robin even wear a hood? no he didn’t he wore a stupid fucking peter pan hat. get it straight dickheads. we’re now in denis leary stand up phase. speaking of stand up wait’ll you get a load of what happened at the rivoli monday night.
these cups aren’t big enough for the insta brew. i drink my coffee in this big cup melodie and lucas got at her brother’s wedding (congratulations adam and olga june 20 2010 thanks for the mug i get more out of it than those kids do) as well as a cheers pint from boston.
i wore oatmeal aa tights over my brown leggings and my big drapey sail shirt. steph loves the story about me wearing it on a windy day riding my bike up huron against the wind already battling up hill i was in hell it sucked then i blew super fast through the intersection like an actual fucking sail no one saw coming. it was hilarious. hell, then hilarious. that would be me.
the american almost punched out this piece of trash. we were a classier version of these drunken wastoids blabbering in the front row, those bottles on the table are their after-carnage, they were totally drinking all day long. then the last comic said i was really chatty during his set we wanted to leave for but stayed to be polite (how canadian) and i was like oh no you didn’t, i go, oh, are you calling me out? in a snarky sarcastic voice that makes you want to punch me in the face and it kind of ruined the rest of his set. whatever man the entire fucking night was a gong show everyone was loaded and intense, sloppy and genius. the guy also goes oh, YOU have a bottle of wine. ha yeah that’s right motherfucker we also had a half litre before it. (the american doesn’t know what a litre is).
so once the drunk girl said to the metro comedian that he likes to take it in the ass (ten times)(gay slag not cool) my rage boiled over and i said ok honey you are so trashy, that is SOOOO trashy and you! to the guy, your hair is too stupid for how mouthy you’re being right now and he goes i haven’t said ONE word (bullshit they were loud talking through the entire show, 4 comedians before that) aggressively towards me and then the american gets up to punch him and then it was a mob scene of people everywhere. wasn’t it great! i liked that i had my grandma’s rich girl kercheif on and smug bottle of wine on the table. i don’t normally go classist but if you hate slur then you best be prepared to get put in check, bitch guy i will guttermouth you in to next week. then i was worked in to various comedian’s acts then it was all downhill from there and i was “talking too much” hero to zero, that’s how i did.
prior to that everyone in the room took turns telling them to shut the fuck up, fuck off, be quiet, super yelly too. everyone knew it was coming it was just a matter of who would claim the prize. your hero did not disappoint guys.
i had the quinoa salad, we shared the chicken curry roti (still the best) as the wookie balls. i decided on everything because i am controlling like that and know how to do everything the right way. it’s not bossy really i just feel that if you’re going to experience a place you’ve never tried before, have the best of what it has to offer. have the best experience always. why settle for less? i am not a settler. this is why i am going to die alone on toronto island in my crazy lady garden with long white gandalf hair pretending i’m the spaced out chick from the robber bride. she hugged her lover with an egg in her pajama pocket from her henhouse and it crushed, she was going to make it for him for breakfast. um, darling much?
i look like a quebecois countryside apple farm family restaurant danseur. yes they actually exist, culled from personal experience here. you’re welcome for the schooling. this post is super longgggg ughhh.
i hate that i missed my tmr today. they have me by the nards. i’ll post my assessment pictures soon. i look visibly upset in them. it was the day i cried about learning my weight. how can i look like this yet weigh so much?
the jerk store called and said they were running out of me so i gotta go now. to burnoutington. to grab my longboard. i am requested for an audition. they need another queen west skater girl. if i get it i go to chile to film the commercial. so this means i have to get my passport photo taken whilst in the west i’ll go to the same place i went to last time and go have a tan while they’re being developed like last time and i’ll scowl like last time, my hair is the same length i can totally look like me 5 years ago except skinnier in the face.
i’m such a priss i use baby wipes for my no no place.
tony says he gets goosebumps when he reads my blog.
can you see the raymi?
wearing that kerchief was a dumb idea. made my head all fat. meh.
what is this shit, a sitcom? yeah, pretty much. ok i think i am retiring “pretty much”. say good bye.
mom you so obviously do not cook anymore, this is how you tie an apron?
A for effort.
posh takes over.
trying to get through to my mom is like trying to talk to a brick wall sometimes. she has severe ADD.
firecracker gloria punctures the coug biosphere, a most welcome addition. she cut me off like crazy to talk about all her crazy things it was funny. the most unattractive facial expressions i have on are when i’m chewing and trying to pull faces at her blabbering. backfire. you win this round gloria.
taking orders. my server helper could not read my chicken scratch. maybe if she’s nicer to me next time i’ll write more legibly.
there’s a tv up there so if you’re bored out of your mind next time at my boom party then you can look at it in-between being cougar prey and made fun of.
gloria had her own purse hook. of course she did.
that hot hunchback over there would be your darling hero.
what am i making? who knows.
goin’ zen.
i belong in a parisian patisserie, non? i would also like to highlight how much of a team player i am.
i said to muffy whilst motioning at a customer in a banquette booth, i slept with that guy and then steven (cameraman) busted up laughing, caught it over the mic. we pretended not to recognize one another. he was with a younger girl, also, he is bat shit crazy.
all day all night long every time someone learned she was my mom they were delighted and melted. i used mom as a shield to make colombia be nicer to me. you can’t be mean to a kid in front of the mother bear. my mom would throw down for sure.
this was a very fun day. some days you aren’t sure about, you may take for granted how severely fun they are, then one by one everyone trickles in their feedback. overwhelming consensus is once a month coug crawl. next time there will be an army of us and it will hopefully be warmer.
there’s billions of back and forth chatter on my mom’s facebook regarding all these photos and the night out i wouldn’t even know where to begin selecting what to post here. the guys we met later on said it was hands down the most fun night they’ve had in toronto in the entire year being here for work.
why does my mom get to have a tinier head than me? is it because your head shrinks as you age? her face is bigger and wider than mine, hers is square-shaped mine is heart-shaped. yes it is a competition. she is 5’7 i am 5’8.
do not forget to inform your cashier at any three BOOM LOCATIONS about the RAYMI D(iscount) List. lemme cover your tax. also you can follow BOOM and tweet about your brunch and they will tweet right back atcha if you were requiring attention for some reason or other (hey, we all do).
