soooo since i’ve “been single” (it’s complicated)(and kind of no one’s business anymore) a lot of crazy has come my way. no doubt. specifically an old guy friend of mine (claims to not read my blog also i do not give a fuck anymore so why am i protecting him?) has been steadily badgering me and i have been steadily ignoring him. he wants to get together to tell me some bullshit about his life but his emails read like intends to kidnap and murder me, not kidding. one friend refuses to even read them anymore they are shockingly that bananas.
now i feel a teensy bit of obligation toward this guy cos i feel for him as he is a giant fucking loser, no offense guy. while i have also lost a boatload of respect for him as he has not done a solid thing to better his plight (depression, head issues, i dunno all of that and more). anyway i told him straight that i am no good friend to anybody these days, my life is a giant fucking mess how am i to give a shit about anyone else other than myself right now? it’s just not possible.
the guy is grappling with whether he should abandon me as a friend or not. while i was with phil this guy and i had little to no contact but now that it’s out raymi’s possibly on the market, in flocks the crazy. like why all of a sudden so demanding? i’m not an idiot.
this guy and i hung out a lot just prior and overlapping phil and i’s getting together, we had another friend too. all we did was longboard and drink and fuck around, it was fun. i miss those times because i was young and who knew how my life was going to turn out i didn’t care it was a sunny day perfect boarding weather yeah? so then of course these two dudes get crushes on me and it gets complicated, and messy. to someone who is depressed and lonely and more or less fine with the way their shitty life is sprinkle me on top of that and POW it changes. yes i am saying i am awesome. i am vibrant and zany and hot and totally extreme and should probably never be allowed to be near unstable men ever fucking again cos it always turns out the same. the problems and disasters of their lives magically wipe away for a little bit and then when they realise i am leaving i become the catalyst for all that wrong. it’s total bullshit. i saw it a mile away with these two guys. each had a girl who fucked them up prior to me that i got to hear all about and all i thought the entire time was wow you guys are giant losers get over it you’re 21 oh you tried to kill yourself too? brilliant.
i had a point when i started slamming on my keyboard but now i don’t know what it is anymore. i felt pretty sharey and i guess i’m going to start with more of that maybe. i am tired of censoring myself and putting up with everybody’s bullshit. i haven’t been this depressed since i was a teenager. i was so exhausted yesterday by it i couldn’t keep my eyes open passed 7 o’clock. this letter/reply is what partially inspired this blog vomit. i have more to say on it but just hit an exhaustion wall plus i have work to do so who cares what more i have to say.
