i went for an assessment today and it was cleansing, i was super nervous beforehand, but all in all i feel good about it now. i’ve decided to be truthful and not sugar coat things or reveal my website this time though if this person is savvy enough they could just google me – i don’t want it to turn into me performing for an hour from a chair and making zero progress whatsoever. i haven’t had a THE RAPIST in a long time. basically i want to get to the bottom of my anxiety which is a direct result of my drinking which is a direct result of my depression and bipolar mood disorder. wheeeeeeeeeeeeee.

a lot of people suffer from anxiety and are ashamed and embarrassed by it, i know sometimes i feel extremely guilty about inconveniencing others so i keep it to myself and that is such a stupid idea. you cannot possibly fix a situation if you hide it and do nothing about it.

here’s the thing, i’m not ashamed of therapy or afraid of it, i do feel a bit sheepish walking into the building though like a fluorescent red arrow is hovering over my head, ugh, but then i get inside and see people far worse off looking than i then i think ok what’s that guy have, crack, methadone addiction, gambling? then i think ok shut up focus on yourself and this magazine and then i look at the models and think yeah she is so on pills, anyway, point being, we are all fucked up in our own special way, so get the fuck over it if you ever want to make anything of your life.

i’ve been self-medicating for years and i realise the drunk glorification cuteness window is pretty much coming to a close, as someone recently told me drinking is now a necessity (for her) which i relate to way too much, so if something isn’t done about it now before my face turns into amy winehouse’s i’m going to be in trouble.

i told the chick (i don’t know what to call her) that i am a functioning alcoholic and that i drink because it’s a part of my lifestyle and that everyone i know drinks and there is always an excuse for it, i want to change but i don’t exactly know how. the time when i was sober was the most depressing most boring time in my life, i don’t see myself as ever being 100% sober, just hopefully very much toned down.

i had to fill out this questionnaire on a computer at the beginning and then at the end of the session we went over it and i got to keep a copy, there’s graphs of my ambivalence toward my addiction, how i get along with people, support from friends and family etc, she said that was good, sometimes that part of the graph is empty for people older than me, at 25 people still have tolerance for your bullshit, but when you’re 40 they’re just like you are on your fuckin’ own dude you crashed my car and pissed in my closet PEACE. anyway, i decided on my own steed to do this and no i haven’t pissed in anyone’s closet haha.