uh why not just NOT make a big deal about it at all you ungrateful uptight anal sad loser be happy you were thought of PERIOD while your schmucky co-workers were on vacation taking the time out of THEIR relaxation time buying useless crap so you would feel included in the office world AS IF you wouldn’t be mailing in a bitter no one likes me at work postcard if they came back with nothing for you and while i’m at it you friggin’ egomaniac nice try posing like you were singled out as the gift exchange, it’s like valentine’s day in elementary school, get one for EVERYone or nothing at all, you’re just the only cry baby in the office who can’t deal with a measly fucking trinket ungh enjoy your shitty life.

and i think it’s funny that you will die alone because you clearly don’t know how unfunny feminine hygiene products are and how dated that whole tampons/pads thing is in THIS decade right now YOU AREN’T ROSEANNE BARR! i think you unearthed your “sense of humour” from 1993.

maybe they’re fat because you’re a bad friend?

ew! creepy postcard award goes to you! also mr. mystery so you raped your girlfriend and are apologizing now via this scary postcard? yeah totally forgiven this fixes everything!

oh burn you burned her good now go collect your award for best zinger on a friend her face will just be so priceless when you tell her i can’t wait!

GROAN “inner feminist” shut up deluded twat, enjoying a spanking here and there will not set back years of progress for our gender ok so stop posing as a feminist with every other breath you muster cos you are irritating, i knew a girl like you once who constantly told everyone how much of a feminist she was every chance she got, basically her excuse for being the village bicycle, next.

oh god not you again are you sure now you like who you are cos i’ve stumbled across your postcard before and i wasn’t buying it then. how can one just say they have changed into a new person, i’m sorry lady, PEOPLE ARE SHIT AND THEY DO NOT CHANGE. ever. if i said hey blog readers i’ve changed! how many of you would believe me? and how desperate are you? HEY GUYS, TRANSFORMATION UP IN HERE! I’M NOT A PSYCHOTIC NAG ANYMORE NOW I’M WHIMSICAL AND LAIDBACK AND NURTURING I SWEARRRRRRR!

uh um, good for you clap clap? do you want some sort of award for not dealing with whitey like normal? wow you must be way racialist-like if THIS is such a big deal for a postcard. i guess in some small shape or form this is a good move but wow, really?

well i don’t smoke the mj buuuut i’m pretty sure i’m a 9/10 for havin’ a buzz on usually and no i’m not sorry.

yeah i know chicks like you, you think home ownership is the end all be all and when my days of party glory are over you’ll be the bitter ones smiling in your backyards laying on your bed bath and beyond loungers gloating away at the miracle what is giving up your youth for your dream, oh it was worth it look at the newly renovated upstairs bathroom oh uh my husband yeah, um, didn’t work out turns out his dream wasn’t having the perfect home like me and all the fancy folded cloth napkins we ordered from france didn’t save the marriage, oh raymi? fuck her what a loser YES I LOOKED AT HER BLOG TODAY UNGH BARF SHE MAKES ME SICK I HAVE A HOUSE I HAVE A HOUSE I’M HAPPY I MEAN IT HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE!

HAHAhAhHAHAhAhAHHAa

you realize this is likely going to be the ONLY fucking shot in our lifetime to have a female president you pompous deluded moron shut the hell up and go back to yonkers!

yeah i feel that way too it’s ok, not that i almost died or anything but during my crazy depression and time on lithium i had zero capacity for creativity, socialization, bathing, it was terrible, i promised myself that if i ever came back to myself i would basically capture the moon and stars and make something of myself and you know what, some days are better than others, life isn’t a horse race, fuck ‘em, lets go bowling.

EXCUSE ME THE FUN POLICE ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ROUND YOU UP AND SHOOT FUN POPPERS IN THE AIR ALL AROUND YOU THAT IS SUCH A FUN FUN FUN IDEA!!!!! on purpose you say? omfg stanley i can’t breathe you are TOO MUCH!

you do realize that the way the media worded that was to get ratings right and that arnold schwarzenegger movie was A MOVIE and that it is not possible to get a dude pregnant and that “dude” was a chick WITH TITS AND FEMALE ORGANS and maybe you should spend less time reading the bible and more time reading a science text book.

DESPERATE AND FRUITY. did you follow that up with getting a phone number? yeah i doubt it i’m sure your first impression was real meaningful and didn’t have the complete opposite effect of what you were going after.

burn!

yeah keep telling yourself that it’s because you’re oh so witty and not because you’re actually an alienating tiresome delusions of grandeur snappy witch!

give them a picture of your friend and get them to tape it up and when you’re friend goes in they will tell him he’s banned.

prove it by cutting handicap off once and for all and when hard-pressed tell them exactly why and don’t even let them defend this abusive manipulative shit head anymore, tell them if they love you then they will listen to you, just because someone has a handicap doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of cruelty. tell the hoser they can’t take out their bitterness on you anymore and you’re not the one who broke their leg or whatever thing is wrong with them.

oh what a a selfish arrogant baby grow the fuck up and respond already before you know they WILL give up and realize your vindictiveness isn’t worth humouring anymore.

your dad sounds like a dick.

shitty how many chicks like you actually exist.

I LOVE YOU POSTSECRET!!!

i bought some desserts for the ladies in my life here they are in no particular order:

-chocolate short bread cookie (meh)
-flanish cheesecake (only had a little dob cos the car ride fucked it’s shit up)
-creme brulee cheesecake (rich, basically cheesecake flaved and then someone was like oh yeah lets creme brulee it i guess whatever)
-chocolate pecan tart (pretty decent i think, i mean i think i thought that i was pretty fucking stuffed after dinner)
-reg. pecan tart (very nice and a hint of cinnamon goin’ on)

oh and for dessert round 2 i had an alka seltzer cos that’s how i party.

ps. i can’t believe parvati got the the million dollars!

my nana said oh you’re slim eh you’re slimming getting slim now? and i quipped (yes, i quip you guys) yeah nana just like the last time you saw me i’m pretty much going into business as a fortune teller cos i know every time i visit those guys something negative gets lobbed my way.

love ya! xoxo

so fil used to arrange my shampoo and conditioner bottles into engineery-like formations all the time and i always threatened to secretly document them and then put the pictures all up on my blog to expose how cuckoo bananas he is (isn’t really) well anyway he started up his habit again, everyday it’s a new creation:

he asked me how it made me feel to see that he did this “for me” uh um special? creeped out? how is this supposed to make me feel, is this a trick question? yeah it’s endearing, it also makes me feel guilty over the amount of conditioner i burn through and thusly as a result the amount of plastic bottles too. it also reminds me of poltergeist when the mom turns her back on the kitchen table and chairs and then turns around again to find them no longer tucked in and then stacked on the table. oh great now i get to spend the rest of my anxiety attack thinking about the poltergeist. cid lets go back to bed.

guess what everyone it’s 4.51am and i’m having an anxiety attack, killer fun!

no more booze for me!

ungh my eyes and head i want to sleep fil is up too getting ready to go take pictures of pitt’s right to play marathon, he’s watching some thing on the holy grail knights templar like how much does one really need to know about those cats god there’s like hundreds of different mini docs about them essentially saying the same shit i think watching one will make you good and informed, no? i woke up fil rooting through his night table looking for ativan (leftover from my nola trip i am NOT a chill traveler) and he’s all in a panic saying it’s in the other drawers i take one (i think they’re point 5s, not much) and he’s like i wish you would have waited a half hour when my alarm went off oh i’m sorry for being so selfish with my panic attack right now haha.

i also ate like a pig yesterday maybe all that chocolate fountain chocolate went straight to my brain. i ate a sausage before they were “officially” serving dinner and got told off by the help and then this dude sees me coming up the stairs with it and says where did you get that so i show him the spread downstairs and say you will not believe your eyes when you see it and then he gets in trouble too stuffing a hamburger in his mouth pretending to be mournful about it going oh i’m so sorry shove stuff stuff chew chew swallow really truly terribly sorry chew chew swallow, it was funny.

ungh i feel like reinventing myself thank you menstruation, guys what kind of outfit should i wear today help me i’m tired of my clothes!

this picture pretty much sums up what it’s like here on the funny farm.

leftover undrunked wine from when mary-ann was over haha we tried!

ungh so hung and we have to start drinking again at 4 for a welcome to toronto party for erin there’s a pool there brad keeps mentioning like it is even anywhere close to pool season after one sip of booze i’ll fall in orange county styles with all my clothes on cos i’ll be schizo loaded.

here’s alicia’s drunk text:

Raym’s the best part is you are somethin else. Like a totally out of this world girl. And well you may have just started a movement. Ha. A movement. I sound like a rap song. Read this slowly. In the am.

which is in response to my message (which i am CLEARLY ripping on her previous one a few posts back):

I think since ive begun drinking i hav a much deeper appreciation for the existential existance of our generation’s entire being blogs r just the beginning

followed it up with this gem:

Hope yr high rite now cos i hav a doozy: i stared into the universe and the universe stared back. woahness.

HAPPY SATURDAY FRIENDS!

lets look at the nite backwards

brad shows up wasted after being the only one of us who got in to see the queens of the stone age at the el mo (dick) he put on his hood and matt was also tanked and totally jeals of the hooded leather, oh yeah matt lost his lense cap too think it was during the arm wrestling matches.

that chick emily on the end brought up a case of sparks from the states i stealthily poured one into my empty whiskey glass just as sean is telling me he’s been tossed out of green room three times for smuggling in booze. that stuff is malt liquor moonshine energy drink basically you can pick up a car with your bare hands after downing a few. we don’t have it in canada cos why?

hold on tight baby nice gorilla arm.

plenty of rude bitches were on the scene last nite specially during bathroom time god why are you in a hole of a bar if you can’t take a little joke here and there small talk or at least get the hell ut of my way so i can wash my hands.

emilio was in town again, really? does that kid ever even leave? oh yeah scotty caps locks said he noticed i’ve been commenting on street boners lately haha that’s very specific, i guess we move in the same internetz circles.

anita texted me a few times from across the couch for some reason her number just won’t program when she calls or txts but it’s there in my contacts anyway i was truly baffled like WHO IS THIS MYSTERIOUS PERSON WHO KNOWS MY THOUGHTS ARE THEY SPYING ON ME RIGHT NOW???? i show my phone to matt and say someone keeps texting me wtf who are they and she jumped on us omg you idiots ahha yeah guess you had to have been there knee deep in sangria.

sober sarah = crown diet pop and some red wine ahhaha

sarah lost to anita and emilio i told her she basically won over me and there is no point in battling i’m a huge weakling.

oh yeah marek was even there for a little while.

then before this was dinners.

basil duck yum!

green curry yum!

oh i guess i’ll cut this post in half the rest are just pictures of all the dumb outfits i tried on before going out last nite.

i’ve got a plethora of wickedly gay texts to transcribe for you lot.