LAGOS (Reuters) – Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.
“The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,” Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.
“We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,” he said.
Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Africa’s most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.
HAHAHAHAhAHhahHAha
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yes, from the same people who brought you “raping virgins cures AIDS” ahh sigh.
ps. stop emailing my nana, she doesn’t have any money for you.
you are really funny and i like you and i bet you have good bar stories A+.
hey guy, nobody likes a drop-in, do yourself (and her!) a favour and call ahead first. trust me on this, you’re a teeny bit scary.
clichéééééééé! oh my little cougy horn-dog, this is why we marry for love not wealth, come on now.
and those secrets would be what? where are they? and why do stupid ones like these make it to the internet? thanks for wasting my time, seriously. do we all have magic eight balls here or something? look, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, spit-it-the-fuck-out or don’t even bother. based on your purple marker and the tourist postcard you purchased on that trip your parents forced you to come with, your secrets suck anyway. next.
WAIT WHAT!? are you a detective? ok i am fingering the dark here (ew) and gathering you’re amidst a divorce and your wife and/or husband (vise versa whatever) is compiling shit against you, one of you blew it and now you’re screwed. this is why you don’t talk it out in people’s cars haven’t you seen 20/20? GOD!
aw pookie, assuming these people are your stupid relatives at thanksgiving/xmas/hanukkah whatever, don’t talk to them, they are phantoms in your life you cannot and will not ever be able to rely on so just ignore them completely, they will never take the time to get to know you personally and honestly do not give a fuck about you. let your mom deal with them. as for senior year, find a couple burn-outs and just couch surf with ‘em til it’s over.
hey can i play too! kidding. um i guess this is a “healthy” midlife crisis thing to engage in, at least you’re not banging 20 year olds and buying dinky little sports cars and wearing scarfs. phewf.
ok so, i had this big burn prepared that the foundation of was centered around how what the FUCK is an epidemiologist? but then i looked it up yeah yeah i get it but great another boring cliché. what do we learn from this? that we can’t really trust anybody’s bullshit ever? wow that’s comforting, thank you mister epidemiologist (stupidest word ever) for sharing your harsh burden (no really i mean it) you’re like the shrink who pops pills and has a nervous breakdown, or the vegetarian who collects taxidermied animals for their funky apartment. point being, get out of my face liar. congratulations on quitting though, do you want a medal? i quit a year and a half ago you don’t see me bragging my life off about it now do you?
OH PUH-LEASE! do you know how many people say this you pile of bullshit posing waste of ridiculous space? spare me. we both know you barely ever had a habit and even when you did you were a fat fuck anyway, i could eat five slices of pizza after a few rails, and infinity beers, does that sound like a feasible diet plan to you? in summation, stop embarrassing yourself at your stupid hipster parties by repeating this line (ha pun) because no one is buying it and you are only highlighting the fact that you have weight insecurities as well as acceptance desperation and people are tired of hearing it. no amount of complaining about losing weight will make you lose it it just makes you annoying. it took awhile for the light bulb to go off in my head about that one. ps. coke is a joke! repeat that one kids.
pssst, you have yellow fever. stop thinking creepy thoughts about your co-worker before you end up fired. buy some asian porn and shut up already.
oh look another drama queen, how exciting! no, you became a junky because you couldn’t find anything else to do with your mundane existence and you figured it would only be a temporary thing but now it has ballooned into an intervention-like proportion which gets you off cos you’re an attention-seeking whore and you always have been it’s always been about you. YOU’RE KILLING YOUR MOTHER YOU BITCH WISE UP EVERYONE IS SICK OF YOU AND YOUR MANIPULATIVE ME ME ME SHIT you are a drain, one huge vacuous selfish self-indulgent asshole and you’re not sorry. get over yourself heroin chic, now before it isn’t cute any longer and you look like amy winehouse and if you’re so fucking smart and enlightened why didn’t you have the forethought to know heroin was a big one to mess around with? look at you now genius. stop using your addiction to get attention you fucking suck.
good, keep it that way. chicks get burned on that one all the time. your husband probably has a secret account too, such is life. man, isn’t humanity fucking great?
can someone please tell me what the hell this person is selling cos i just wasted ten minutes scrutinizing those boxes and i got nothing.
FINALLY a smart person i am giving you a standing-O right now. this is like how some dudes read chick magazines cos HELLO all the answers are right there, it’s like a map to our brain and heart AND IT COMES OUT EVERY MONTH IN VARIOUS PERSONALLY-SUITED STYLES FOR $3.95 YOU STUPID MORONS GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY FUCK! hurry up before the mag business dies out once and for all.
aw, i’ve never ever heard that one before. you truly are the definition of unique and the total embodiment of a surefire trail blazer there, sally. colour me on the edge of my seat!
ok you just solved your own problem here person but let me guess, you’re still reading these stupid things anyway aren’t you? ugh snooooooooooze PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND LIVE YOUR LIFE you have one chance only stop screwing around!
CONGRATULATIONS THE MOST WINNINGEST WINNER YET! the cheese truly does stand alone in the end don’t it, farmer? that’s it, snap out of it loner, i haven’t any words left here people there’s only so much i can help. i feel like neo in the matrix (sequel?) when that chick gets shot and he gives her his health to remove the bullet but then it drains him to near death, that’s how a postsecret slaying leaves me, i have to go take some vitamins now or i will perish.
i should have checked the mail at normal mail hours this totally would have changed the course of today’s mood 1. i got a nice package from my little uk friend kirsty 2. i got a fairly decent and unexpected tax return cheque (i filed late cos i am a winner like that)(and thanks to christmas and my rogers bill (don’t ask) this month, the extra monies are certainly appreciated) so anyway here are photos of my nice little pick-me-up:
PUSSY
GRANDFATHER
SATAN
(Finnish. they always shout those swearwords together when in a massive rage)
it’s cut off a bit but she is referencing the magic tree blog post i did when i lived in maine in early 2002, “the most magical thing that has ever happened to me.” i’ll retrieve that link shortly. WOAH! its own geocities page and everything look how professional i thought i was being hahahhaha.
good thing she mentioned this in the note i might have missed it. ahh mail. ahhhhhhhhhh. thank you. ok i have to finish reading these now. ha ha finn-ish.
oh bonus here’s some dodgeball pics of yours truly looking useless and retarded, enjoy.
infamous claw hand.
claw again wtf.
nervous tongue jut.
here i am probably ‘roiding out over hitting someone and them pretending it didn’t happen.
my stevie dress is hard to capture in photographs so here is a video of me swishing it around. i make a dumb face in it too wait my face always look that way what am i saying. don’t worry full house post is comin’ up next hosers. happy friday i am in a funk mood and i don’t mean dancing.
before last nite i was completely ignorant to the possibility of DIFFERENT oysters (breeds? nationalities?) the fat ones are from ireland, the ones in the middle are your regular guys, and the little wieners back there are japanese, i forget the names of all of them.
we went to a gallery in the distillery to see an artist fil’s dad is a maje fan of.
after that we dropped in on my cousin’s bday party and fil said he felt like bill murray caught in a midlife crisis partying with young kids. there also was an older dude there playing the sax who actually won an oscar for something, what? what the f are you doing here dood? the polish brothers loved fil, on our way out i said to one hey you’re polish he’s like yeah why you know mark? no but i do know a shmata (shmah-tah) do you? (a rag, the ultimate insult to call a woman, worse than the C-word) he goes yeah my (his) mother’s a shmata! hahahaha aw man very respectful. then we left.
ok i was totally just going to write down all of your names and select two winners but then i found a new website and well then this happened:
these aren’t even remotely aesthetically pleasing and i’m sure van gogh and da vinci would totally be into this, no problem. man i love finding crazier than i am people on the internet so much. not unlike this new boyfriend of yours i just found.
OMG the squirrel is here finally eating the goldfish crackers i left out days ago cid is so pumped.
i forced them to invite us over for these guys. now we owe them jambalaya.
in case you forgot, i’m really fuckin’ funny. hysterical even.
check out that cave hair, bravo. tell it to take a bow steph. right now. cos you know it can.
my body language represents a person who is closed off. that’s something my mom would say, has said. steph why were you making me feel so uncomfortable like that?
WHAAAAAT THE HELL IS THAT OVER THERE IS THAT MY FERN!?
um, have you been misting it with windex?
it’s ok i’m not sad. you are its only chance at survival, THAT is the only sad part about it. jokes. it’s just “interesting” that all your other house plants are thriving all strong and healthy looking. stupid fern, i thought you were the plant for nerds as in no sunlight required.
all concerned parties are confidant fern will make it til spring. oh i’m just hamming it up i don’t really give too much a care about that plant, i’m just grateful it has a chance to make it back over here no thanks to cid I CAN’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE. fil gave me flowers once and i had to put them in the wine fridge. how romantic.
fil wore one of my hair clips last nite cos he was feeling eccentric.
i can’t wait til i grow up and start collecting whimsical adult things instead of strictly magic pony toys.
i’m not 100% certain but i think a hippie lives here. maybe. not sure entirely, but there is a strong possibility of it.
A+ vintage matches collection.
i pulled an annoying and ate mine bunless with a knife and fork. it was SO good. then we had seconds.
if you are wanting to leave you’re gonna have to DRAG ME OUT OF HERE.
fine then, bye. next time no hockey, girl tv ONLY. see yuh wouldn’t wanna be yuh! remind me to actually start saying that please, i think it will go over well. quite.
oh yeah i was feelin’ my eye makeup, no one noticed, or cared. i like how the orange of my hat really brings out the orange of my face makeup and newly tinted (jergen’s bronzing lotion) face, way to go flash.
my hair was also on the ball last nite, i got a new tip for growing out bangs to keep them swooped thanks to steph’s friend sarah, if you want to know it you have to email me cos you know, i don’t want this shit to spread. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
