acquire the secret behind my signature sloppy high side ponytail.

it’s magic! you look amazing!

also, is it bad if i wear my alegria‘s out in public? does that mean i gave up on life? they’re not that ugly are they? (the very top right circle on that link is the colour i have i don’t think anyone will even notice)

how can multiple lyrics websites get it so disgustingly wrong, who do they have writing these things down? the deafest person ever? not only that but then all the other shitty sites copy and paste the same WRONG lyrics. then you find a site that has a slightly different version, also very wrong too. yeah thanks lyricsmania (etc) for killing my desire to share a stupid update on my blog about how i sucked up one of fil’s ties when i vacuumed the other day ugh. anyway. hi. yep it’s me.

i had a very interesting cab driver last week, actually, two in one day. the first one was not as eccentric as the second guy, the first one was more into complaining about wars of the world (yeah me too guy what downers those can be!) and he got me going a bit, we were on the way to my therapist appt, anyway, sometimes you feel like being ignored and ignoring back, sometimes you’re good for a chat.

eccentric guy asks me where i’m going he says oh to that university you go there you are acquiring knowledge? no i say i’m not a student but the learning process never ends they say to which he happily agrees then rips into this spiel about how he’s a prophet of cabology and do i know what that is? huh kabbalah? no CABology and what it means he says is prophet of buuuuullSHIT (he was very “on” with his pronunciations and overall emphases)(that’s a word i just looked it up) and i laugh along with him as he cackles like a maniac and say oh right yeah well i hear that kabbalah is also bullshit. yeah yeah he agrees. then he asks me if i’m aware of the five stages of humanity (it takes him a long time to land on the word humanity, he’s a little scattered, partially manic, borderline autistic?) and i say yes, no, maybe but please refresh me he says ok first there is KNOWLEDGE and that is you right now you are young and you are acquiring knowledge (thanks but i’m not as young as you think) and then that knowledge turns into WISDOM that is the second stage you have become older and wiser about things (more or less his wording i’m trying to memorize these bullet points cos i know it’s gonna be good) then your wisdom turns on you and you are at CONFUSION which is where i am at right now man i am fucked up losing my marbles i don’t know what is going on to which i say nah i disagree you seem pretty on top of things, sharp. meanwhile he’s sort of gunning the cab when he shouldn’t be and slowing when we should be cruising, funny. then he says the fourth stage is DISORIENTATION that’s when your confusion worsens (obvs. this guy says he was a professor i forget of what) and then you are brought to DEMENTIA that is when you die. i say oh great that’s basically what’s in store for me. then i ask for a pen so i can write this down.

i also write down these words (his) old bastard teeth falling out forgetting fare hahah oh right he said sometimes he lets people out without them paying cos he’s talking so much.

anyway we roll up to my building and he’s all oh this is a nice place it must take some good money to live here who lives here? i say mostly old white people then he says man if i were rich i would have three mistresses and he goes on to tell me about his brother or friend (at this point it is really hard to understand him he is just short of babbling, well fully was really) and how he has a mistress and how the son of the mistress told his mother don’t go with him cos he have no money. i try to cut him off several times cos i’m now creeped out and i’ve already paid yet i’m trapped there in a cloud of politeness so i say the economy is screwing over mistresses these days, men can’t afford the extra expense, all the mistresses are desperate. he is genuinely interested and ponders it for a beat which i use to my advantage to get out of the car (i’d had the door open for a good two minutes during his mistress oration) lean in wave goodbye while he blabbers on reminding me about the five stages of humanity yeah yeah i wrote it down don’t worry.

he had one of those huge old people mirrors so he was looking at me the whole ride instead of the road. he also said i was a very good looking, something.

anyway, there you go.

fil’s tie is still in the shopvac, i didn’t want dust fluff to fly out everywhere if i opened it so i’m saving that activity for him. he never wears this tie anyway.

i ordered lakeview terrace last nite and it’s really good, way tense, awkward, scary, frustrating. i recommend it.

let this be a lesson to you all that i am always right. poor ryan. nevermind i got ‘em send him some too.

BRITNEY SPEARS SPOTTED DOWN THE STREET AT H&M ON BLOOR and i am too skidly sickly right now to dash out. sigh.

• britney spears,
• molson canadian

yikes, these go back pretty far. when we got engaged i was thinking hmm ok it’s the honeymoon period again now i don’t feel like hating on anonymous losers’ fucked up life problems anymore no matter how ridiculous or necessary, the judgment kinda left me for awhile there. i continued saving the postsecrets anyway just in case. the honeymoon period isn’t over by any means, i just feel like, why the hell not i receive enough flack constantly yet for some reason i’m not allowed to judge back? no sorry, not goin’ soft over here for the likes of eh-neh-bu-dee. fuck off i’m sick, that’s one, and two i’m going to blow a fucking gasket today if i get one more stupid fucking comment. i’m exhausted by your shit and feeling like i need to censor myself all the time, events that take place, just for some pious coward to weigh in with their (not asked for) two cents and skewed perception of my life, what i say. get your own soap box. i told off some frat boys the other day for blasting music through our entire fucking condo (even with all the windows closed i could feel it vibrating my goddamn bones and brain) when i was trying to work wow look at how much of a psycho i am omgz i be craze!

alright, on with the show.

uh duh. leave him! he does not care about you at all, obvious reason one being well, using you for everquest personal gain and two, hello he chooses computer games over you. serve him papers now it is not going to get better, ever. ugh i can only imagine what these other men (sweaty smelly grabby nerds) looked like. barf.

aw that’s really adorable and heartbreaking. try not doing that the next one you spot (unfortunately, creepers are creepy) and maybe stealthily track her (albeit creepy as well) get her attention (cause a scene?) make eye contact, say something super funny and see how that works?

oh fuck her then. devout christians and selfish mothers will never not be intense, demanding, or bossy. whose life is it, yours or hers? seek out an encouraging replacement female and develop a strong bond with her instead.

eeeeeeugh. thank you for the quotations and triple-underline on loaded. we got the disgusting try-hard visual the first time. can’t wait to read all about this further at the darwin awards. oh look here’s a quote for you,

“Honoring those who improve the species…by accidentally removing themselves from it!”

oh puh-lease. so you didn’t receive enough attention from all the weight you lost you have to create some more melodrama? i highly doubt you wake up IN FEAR every fucking morning about being skinny. how needy are you? you know people have their own personal shit goin’ on constantly and sorry if they forget to properly honour your overweight person. i understand completely weight issues and the struggle it entails but come on, you successfully lost a ton of weight. enjoy it, stop dwelling and being angry at the world.

so you have the power to do this lady a solid and you’re not gonna?

for someone so obsessed with their thighs, one would think they’d at least know how to spell the fucking word. ps. yawn.

so you want to go back to dating a teenager then? get over it.

yeah i would too, not even being snarky here.

sobering eh, once you realize you’ve been blaming others for your personal failures or the world at large, expecting them to be responsible for your happiness. now pour yourself a tall glass of grow the fuck up.

ok you are self-aware enough of your obsessive compulsions now do something about it. you’re using these activities as a crutch and overall distraction from some larger problem you’re avoiding. like why neglected housewives obsessively scrapbook. come out of your cave.

now this is the imagination i like. all i ever mail are paintings and junk, i don’t think any of it would be useful to tom hanks. what are you mailing? and that scene when helen hunt runs after him as he’s backing out of the driveway in the rain OMGOD!

yeah like possibly stabbing you way to go boringest person ever. one day you will really regret sending that in you naive thoughtless dick. here are three different reactions to your stupid postcard:

Subject: Bus seat

Today I sat in the back of the bus next to the one lonely person thinking about how I could possibly make their day. As soon as I sat down, they moved two seats over away from me. Some people just like sitting alone.

i hate him for that too. i wish you could go back to the flock of ignorant sheep from whence you came. oh well, at least you’ll be a headcase for life and grapple with it. idiot.

incredibly awesome, good for you. i am picturing a really tiny chick karate-chopping some bastard motherfucker who wronged her in the throat. BUT, if it doesn’t happen (doubt it will) you’re gonna have to learn to let go of that anger if you’re planning on getting a good nite’s sleep ever.

oh sad panda you are wasting your life and he is stringing you along cos he can’t work anyone else over (though probably secretly is) and if he’s serving a life sentence he must have done something truly awful, why support that? don’t throw your life away for a fuck-up.

um, ew? i see this relationship going places.

oh christ, does this one actually require a caption? no one cares what you feel, got that. you are living in ancient times you racist bitch. you don’t even have the balls to say if it’s a girl which i assume it is based on the photo of a white guy but don’t worry, she already knows and detects your resentment and one day soon this is going to blow up in your face, large. i want to read the postcard about that.

ok i am getting irritated now. what if your stupid bawling head causes a ten car pile-up then you get rear-ended and your experimental sobbing face fuses with your steering wheel?

or they do it anyway and he gets her pregnant how happy would you be then, lunaticpants? STOP HANGING OUT WITH YOUR EX FIND VALIDATION ELSEWHERE YOU’RE EXES FOR GOOD REASON MOVE ON.

that was unnecessary. do you realize how classy you are right now?

what is this stepford wife desperation bullshit? i doubt he even notices. take a relax pill while you’re at it.

this is cute.

hi welcome to the present, have we met? you used paper to write that postcard. burn. i want to make fun of you for more things right now but i am already bored of you. good luck on your smugness quest cos that’s what saving the planet and being white is all about, right? fuck you.

i have a feeling you are really attractive. case closed.

then BE one! JESUS.

HAHAHAHAHahHAHHAHAHahahaHhahaha A+ analyzation not needed.

you lost me at “natural” life you annoying hippie why did you have to go there on top of the stupidity what is this postcard? that’s like bringing sand to the beach, water to a pool, fire to a fire? ugh. if you are set on encapsulating your entire existence into a never-ending period of nostalgic mourning you’re screwed and you won’t be happy. good luck with that.

zzzzzzzzzzwhat? can you hear me now? your future wife is certainly in store for a good time.

only including this to highlight the pointlessness of your amazement over this kissing photo and their not even being engaged. you realize people don’t get engaged the day they meet right and that they’re most in love during the courting-phase of their relationship? that aside, adorable picture.

aw i would too. lesson learned? can you send a heavy over to his house, something?

WHY WHY WHY WHYWHWWHYWHWYY did she do this?

cool story hansel and what if it was sniffed out and traced back to your company? SMRT.

• postsecret

bar two. at this point i’m sort of on my second wind but also realizing how super sick super fast i’d become. we plowed through some wings, saw a guy fall on his ass, another fight, annoying non-stop drunk cackling woman behind us and like, why do we go out for this? next time i’m having a party, the gaggle of losers everywhere was just overwhelming. worse than last year even. i stole that green sash from the first pub we went to.

big Z was in town, crashed on the couch. good times. the zing of the nite was dick fart and lick more-anus, rick moranis’ pornstar alter-ego moniker. oh yeah and these chicks totally scamming on everyone posing as fake missionaries approached us asking for money to paint green shit on our faces. i said you’re missionaries, can i have proof of that please and the chick just nervously laughed, ok bye then. moved on to another table of suckers. um if you’re a missionary from guatemala and africa why are you in a bar past midnite on st. patrick’s day? don’t you do your work during the day? yes, you would IF you were actually a missionary and not a scam artist opportunist. funny thing that guy selling flowers shows up one minute later.

nicely lubed.

a little wasted maybe yeah i’ll admit.

oh jembe. we (i) ripped on the fact that fil didn’t change out of his after work pub warrior yuppie shirt. IT’S DOLCE&GABBANA. ok ok, sorry.

fil and alex were seriously star-struck for the caterpillar eyebrows guy. they know him from when they were 18, total groupies. steve was just pretending. i was like ok lets go kids my ass is hanging out too much for these leer-bags and you didn’t give me a chance to go home and change. plus i got cocked too fast on jameson’s.

gross potato scoops.

aw look at these nerds, same drink, same meal. it never ends.

gahaha.

• fall09,
• LG fashion week

zoran‘s show was really fun. it was also interesting to see that side of the industry.

the music was really good too. videos to come once i get my strength up.

that’s zoran, so humble, way talented.

haha.

sass and i went to meet fil afterward and on our way these three dumpy all dressed-alike teens passed us looked me up and down and muttered it ain’t warm enough for that yet and i snapped it’s fashion bitches (meaning to say just came from fashion show whatever) then i cringed awaiting the response which was screamed back SLUT! haha. 14 year olds dude. i’m pretty sure that i’m not a slut and those little skanks are.

oh yeah and don’t forget this douche is on twitter. follow it.

• zoran dobric