the silence following each beautiful statement i make is actual laughing so hard silence, you know? i don’t just go on and on at parties when i’m tankin’ (yes i do) every joke.
brad was goin’ all newf but then stopped once i got the camera out so i stepped in. he corrected me that cape breton is not in newfoundland (duh like, i know) but whatever all the same shit basically over there on the east coast they all speak like scottish troll leprechaun wastoids and i love them very much. but not as much as you. and yes i am drunk still. likely.
i’m cool cos i care about the environment, i bring jars of piss to parties. with ice cubes!
and i am in a gang now.
OMG IS THAT BRAD PITT! someone called him chris angel last nite too ahahaa nice. brad we love you.
this is how we show it.
guess how many tries this guy took.
for the win.
I, am a wonderful person.
what’s doin bacman? (like pacman)(uh cool name?) the chick who owns this buddy is polish so maybe that means something haha i just spelled polish polosh. and now we’re discussing nail polish, oh homonym, you freak. UPDATE: the dog’s name is batman so why the fuck was everyone going out of their way to clarify that it was just like pacman? tards.
birthday cake rollies! oh yeah this was a birthday party for matt and dave. COME FOR THE MATT, STAY FOR THE DAVE. still kills me.
didja hear? they took the cn tower down. shipped it off to vancouver. enjoy.
brosz7’s arm was getting tired from holding that beer stein all nite long, this is a photo depicting the pain. that dude beside him is jay phill, we are working on formulating the best band ever together very soon (we’re very bummed the name HOT PISS is taken by some band in peterborough, think we can nab it off them?) he drums and i spazz the f out and actually my voice is loads better now, i dunno if it’s from maturing and/or combo of non-smoking but either way, have you ever heard an angel sing before? well, you will.
brad is diggin’ on his necklace and getting loads of props for it. you better be name-dropping me.
can’t be helped.
lets crank this party up a notch. i love the store clerk’s reaction every time i go in there at like 2 in the morning to buy sparklers or water balloons. so typical.
shocked and awed we all have our eyes and fingers.
party for hire email for my rate card kids love me!
ten million more of this to come later when the jokes get worse.
PAYCE IN THE MIDDLE AYYYYYYYYSTE omg shut up now please god.
imagine your ass on that power plate. good for last minute special occasion toning. can’t wait to try it out next week. but oh, what’s that up on the wall over there that i spy…?
i receive umpteens of handfuls and handfuls of the most `tarded comments on the daily via youtube. i let `em by, have no time fighting with the dumbest people ever only interested in circular arguments. the type of people who think the world is flat and taco bell is good for you.
lets begin:
I saw some of your other vids. didn’t realize you were so hot. So I guess good job on that? Just sayin’
-owenmatt: you’re a weirdo.
uh ok guess he`s backpeddling out of some stupid comment he left previously on a different video where my hotness was somehow mysteriously obscured. i get a lot of these WOW YOU`RE INSANE KILL YOURSELF then OH MY GOD U R TEH HOT PM ME. pfft.
here`s another:
aye baby girl! damn!!!! its been a long time since i had one dance for me acting herself! go girl!!!! CLICK P.S. is that Salvester in the back?
another:
I have no problem with your interpretive dance
and:
give me your number
and:
no seriouly,…..shes shit
more:
This chick is an attention whore. Who really thinks to themselves “You know, I bet people would really like to watch me dance to Modest Mouse. I think I’ll record it.” ? Seriously? 1STAR
(the video has been viewed 12,914 times)
and:
I def take back what I said about u in the q-lazerus vid… U seem like a really cool girl *sorry*
yeah the goodbye horses video definitely takes the crazy pie for all mental comments go check for yourself if you`re bored.
38,148 views and people talk to me like i am still dancing IN that video like i haven`t moved on with my life since june 2008. GUYS IM DRINKING A PINA COLADA AND PARTYING ON A LATE SATURDAY AFTERNOON GIVE IT A REST.
ohh cool i`ve now lost the ability to make the AT sign happen so there goes 80% of why i`m on this fucking thing right now to begin with hahaha.
oh wait more big news i just figured out brackets again look <<<<<<>>>>>>> WIN GOLD (it would be nice if i could now figure out how to make quotation marks happen what is this the most foreignest of laptops everÉÉÉ THOSE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE QUESTION MARKS AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGH)
КРАСАВЧЕГ СПАСИБО…
cool story russian spam.
update i have discovered this thing called num lock therefore we’re back in business also i am a num lock.
I EXTRACTED whoops yelling sorry (though this story probably should be drilled through a megaphone atop the cn tower it is that HUGE) i finally tweezed out this piece of wood that has been parked in my thigh for the past ten years, more than ten years! it was glorious wait til i show you a picture. i can’t believe i left that little beast in there so long. on my sixteenth birthday in drama class wearing these tight ass le chateau shiny pants (tellin’ ya h&m before h&m was h&m not exactly but you catch my drift) and i hiked my ass up onto a wooden box used for props and background (for suspending your mind far out there as far as disbelief goes oooh drama you’re all over this one aren’t you steph haha) and a sliver of wood blasted right through those pants into my thigh pretty deep beneath the skin. now, being the wimp i was i didn’t tell anyone i didn’t even tell anyone it was my birthday fuck that’s gay style and too cool for high school anyway so i just went out with whatever old guy i was dealing with at the time that evening with a chunk of wood in my thigh and ten years later my body is finally rejecting it a bit, the tip of one side of the wood had always been sticking out a little. i enjoyed fiddling with that and squeezing it from end-to-end until i could no longer withstand the pain then leave it alone for a few months.
here’s how you extract a centimeter long (that’s half an inch or something USA) piece of wood from your thigh:
WEED.
also it is smaller than it was i think my body broke it down maybe and also there’s black paint on it still too, alright brain party go healthy! hopefully i will become smarter now, look out for that one.
sorry no camera cord so here’s some oldies in case you miss what i look like too much right now.
oh right i forgot to brag about how edwin was in love with me this nite but i’m sure he’s in love with all the girls so meh. i liked when the dj spun one more astronaut or some other i mother earth jam and it was like go time behind the bar here comes a real life music video. if you’re an ex-artist bartending and they play your song how are you supposed to act, like you’re deaf? oh that song is familiar hmmmm where have i heard that one before? oh whatever it wasn’t that uncomfortable but what was uncomfortable was this bro right up here ahh man, get a clue please. if you are this guy (not him but your game is the same) do yourself a solid and stop attending dimitri the lover conferences ugh. this guy was necessary for the piles of brews beside me. thank you bye. for the record i was a total angel sweetie pie to him, i`m beyond tolerant of grossers. not carly though, she had ice queen mean goin` steady. always impresses me i just can`t bring myself to be a dick to pathetic guys even though they deserve it (once they do something to deserve it) i just keep lip servicing until my girlfriends want to explode.
i just forgot how to make brackets work on this thing so i guess no more memory lane photos.
uh gawd im so behind on everything LOSER OUT.
oh yeah one more thing i have just decided that my first born child`s name will be JA-MOAHN! like how michael jackson says it. i think it`s a good thing. be happy for me.
so much for my jumping to conclusions mat (office space) found the little bastard in bed beneath a bunch of comforters. we can all chill now sorry for scaring you!
so like the cool story i am i have misplaced my camera. thankfully there were no dirties on it just random whimsical shit. phewf. i don’ think that sucker is comin’ back but it’s just as well as i’ve been meaning to upgrade for awhile now also i have a backlog of at least a thousand photos on my laptop to deal with anyway. a whole buncha part 2s of stories you don’t care about. i’m gonna call the pub around 6 or so when the shift changes to see if the girls picked it up. who leaves their phone at home, brings a camera and loses it. oh and here comes a cliche you’ve never once heard uttered before I NEVER LOSE THINGS EVER! seriously this is my first loss. i have every cell phone kickin’ around that i’ve ever had, i hang onto stuff like it’s frankincense, or myrrh. no, definitely myrrh.
time to wash the rat’s nest bye-o!
oh and today it is my niece’s actual birthday. she is eleven.
will you look at this little hipster, my god!
you do no even want to know what i looked like at eleven. just envision a total fucking douchebag with tidal wave hairsprayed bangs and plaid. and scowling. and fear street books. plus major funky ‘tude i have no idea how i got so far in life not getting my ass kicked with the smart on my mouth. by the time people figure out that i burned ‘em i am long gone.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
oh yeah my a-z guide to dating a dealer article is being published in the first print issue of streetbonersandtvcarnage. way? YES WAY. it’s gonna be dvd sized and come with a tv carnage dvd. in case you were ever stupidly naive of my cool studentness before…jussayyyyin. they emailed me a couple days ago don’t worry i played it chill, no big deal at all just another day in the life of a dickhead. (that’s you)
remind me to tell you about how i was late to bday dinner cos the perfectionist at the asian cute store decided to take TEN MINUTES to wrap a teeny box i’m like guy i have to be on the other side of town like 20 minutes ago speed it up.
