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I EXTRACTED whoops yelling sorry (though this story probably should be drilled through a megaphone atop the cn tower it is that HUGE) i finally tweezed out this piece of wood that has been parked in my thigh for the past ten years, more than ten years! it was glorious wait til i show you a picture. i can’t believe i left that little beast in there so long. on my sixteenth birthday in drama class wearing these tight ass le chateau shiny pants (tellin’ ya h&m before h&m was h&m not exactly but you catch my drift) and i hiked my ass up onto a wooden box used for props and background (for suspending your mind far out there as far as disbelief goes oooh drama you’re all over this one aren’t you steph haha) and a sliver of wood blasted right through those pants into my thigh pretty deep beneath the skin. now, being the wimp i was i didn’t tell anyone i didn’t even tell anyone it was my birthday fuck that’s gay style and too cool for high school anyway so i just went out with whatever old guy i was dealing with at the time that evening with a chunk of wood in my thigh and ten years later my body is finally rejecting it a bit, the tip of one side of the wood had always been sticking out a little. i enjoyed fiddling with that and squeezing it from end-to-end until i could no longer withstand the pain then leave it alone for a few months.

here’s how you extract a centimeter long (that’s half an inch or something USA) piece of wood from your thigh:


also it is smaller than it was i think my body broke it down maybe and also there’s black paint on it still too, alright brain party go healthy! hopefully i will become smarter now, look out for that one.

sorry no camera cord so here’s some oldies in case you miss what i look like too much right now.

oh right i forgot to brag about how edwin was in love with me this nite but i’m sure he’s in love with all the girls so meh. i liked when the dj spun one more astronaut or some other i mother earth jam and it was like go time behind the bar here comes a real life music video. if you’re an ex-artist bartending and they play your song how are you supposed to act, like you’re deaf? oh that song is familiar hmmmm where have i heard that one before? oh whatever it wasn’t that uncomfortable but what was uncomfortable was this bro right up here ahh man, get a clue please. if you are this guy (not him but your game is the same) do yourself a solid and stop attending dimitri the lover conferences ugh. this guy was necessary for the piles of brews beside me. thank you bye. for the record i was a total angel sweetie pie to him, i`m beyond tolerant of grossers. not carly though, she had ice queen mean goin` steady. always impresses me i just can`t bring myself to be a dick to pathetic guys even though they deserve it (once they do something to deserve it) i just keep lip servicing until my girlfriends want to explode.

i just forgot how to make brackets work on this thing so i guess no more memory lane photos.

uh gawd im so behind on everything LOSER OUT.

oh yeah one more thing i have just decided that my first born child`s name will be JA-MOAHN! like how michael jackson says it. i think it`s a good thing. be happy for me.

14 thoughts on “BIG NEWS WORLD!

  1. jermaine’s a good name but that’s not what i need to say, i need to say dude i got a piece of wood stuck in my body too, a sliver of a branch in my baby finger since i was a kid.

    was gonna come ask you to join the club, it’s like mensa and we get together for punch and pie; but.

  2. I actually enjoy things like removing splinters etc. But damn, 10 years is a long time to wait! It’s possible I have some pencil lead in my head, I can still feel the little bump where it went in in grade 4, I don’t know if the body deals with stuff like that or maybe it’s what has made my brain funky…

  3. steph the club is only for people who have wood in them still, sorry

    i had a red pen explode in my mouth once in elementary school so i told the teacher my mouth was bleeding and i got to go home. i wonder all the time if all the plastic i chew affects my biochemistry.

  4. I have a pebble in my knee from a playground accident in grade 3. You’re brave to take it out.

    I was so unimpressed with this dude. Even after he bought all that beer. haha

  5. Horrible klutz that I am, I’ve had several chips of rock and two or three splinters that lasted months to years. But never as many as 10 years! I’d probably be digging around in there with anything pointy, replacing it with a nasty infection. SO satisfying when they work their way out on their own, though.

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