hiding my face in my pint cos i couldn’t stop smirking from overhearing this cuckoo bananas reading going on at the table beside us. so much mumbo jumbo, loved the terminology. RIDE THE WAVE. CROSSING OVER. LIFE LINE. these chicks were so into it too. then they started talking about their blogs and then i diiied.
goan chicken curry. what does goan mean? oh i know here’s a quick joke. so this irish radio station (pretend i am typing in an irish accent here) is having a contest for who can come up with a word that’s a word yet not in the dictionary. some guy calls up and says the word GOAN. they’re like ok yes can you use it in a sentence? he says GO’AN FUCK YOURSELF! and hangs up hahaha. then the following week he calls back again, same contest, says his word is smee. they’re like good one now can you use it in a sentence? dude goes S’MEE AGAIN GO’AN FUCK YOURSELF!
AHHAHAHAHAHA ahhhhhhhhh.
mm i’d hammer this back pretty hard about now. it’s just ham though i don’t have any ham jokes sorry.
sorry artisan bread take a relax pill you’re making everybody look bad.
if this were a book cover, coffeehouse fags from the 90’s would beat off to it. oh my GOD have you read the velveteen couch yet? it is SO righteous!
sorry, can’t resist.
meet starstruck anna. she’s been reading my blog since she was 17 and came all the way from norway to gush all over me. she is now 22. crazy crazy. i love new friends.
i saw her from behind before she introduced herself to me and thought look at that chick in that shirt what a bitch hahahah oh man girls suck that’s exactly how it goes. i see great style and instantly think they are going to hate on me. ISSUES.
anna’s boss. rules. i was like sorry guy but you have THEE BEST hair i have seen all nite. he’s like i just got it cut. i’m all really? um, where? you look like a roadie. him: i used to be a roadie! me: so surprised! come back anytime you’re awesome.
another great band i forget the name of but should email me so i can get wasted at their bar. guitarist on the right ordered some fries and asked if they came with a dip i said yes, it’s called ketchup. the entire bar busts up laughing. i was super on last nite, until i cut my hand at least. i zinged him later on too he asked for some pabsts while i was not in the immediate vicinity more so thinking aloud so i serve them and he’s amazed by my pabst-appearing magic trick i just pointed to my ears and said you see these they can like, hear. cue laughter track. you can’t be a shithead to everybody but i knew i could be a shithead to him. then he started calling me ears hahaha.
teppei made some really good bacon tomato sauce. the pile of cheese he says is edmonton style. i thought it was just fat fuck style, which essentially is pretty universal.
party town crew made my nite and in turn i made theirs, they said the central is their new favourite bar. blue shirt (aka cowbell failure) paid my rent in tips what a gentlemanly scholar thanks magnus. trying so hard not to make a norwegian wood joke right now too late though i already said hard. i am going to wear bras every shift from here on in. cartoon character chest. i mean, i’m certain it was my personality what won him over. the girl and the guy are in that first band i can’t remember the name of i should have written it down. i never take notes, i always figure if it’s important enough it will come back to me in some shape or form. what an arrogant grandiose cosmic hippie approach eh, no wonder i am always behind.
anna’s bf in the old man hat. he was bemused by her lovin’ on me and kind of, confused?
no confusion here!
wish i could tell you what they are cheersing to hehehehahahahah. this wasn’t even near last call yet, two hours from it in fact. i kept them pacified right up to then. you’re on central time now.
killin’ me softly.
then look what we noticed! soul mates or, wait for it, SOLE MATES? my dad and i are telepathically high-fiving right now.
yesterday i decided i wanted the hairstyle of a jetson. i said oh no i raised my forehead, anna laughed at me, how can you raise your forehead? i meant eyebrows!
a little better.
having a visible tattoo is fun because people start lifting up their shirts. my favourite one anna’s boss had was of a teeny ferret with an angel halo and wings floating. he has a tattoo of all his pets. tuesday nite this dj kid alan showed me his massive chest tat of this thing it was pretty awesome.
see the ferret haha i love sense of humour tattoos despite this obviously not being at all intentionally funny. it is making me think of the cat came back song/cartoon (america you need to watch it, don’t hate me for when it gets jammed in your head forever though) when the cat finally dies and follows the guy up to heaven as an angel cat also roger rabbit when the bad guy weasels die they float up like angels holy crap i am five years old today one more baby reference and i am taking a nap with my binky. ps. how much did jessica rabbit’s body kind of make you a perverted deviant seeing that during your formative years? no, just me? shut up prudes!
how painful was that shit wow.
i’ve seen feet tats before and they’re so boggling and amazing. why not do the bottoms next hahah. re-reading this over i feel like typing teet fats. there TEET FATS.
ugh. i was wiping down a table by the stage and a glass shard stuck to some candle wax lodged in pretty deep and a huge flap of skin flip flapped i just stared at it in shock then it oozed blood. i pressed against it with my right thumb and raised my left in the air to slow the blood flow then one guy goes, carpal tunnel? i say not really then remove my thumb to reveal the gruesome RAIN OF BLOOD trickling down my wrist haha. it won’t require stitches so don’t worry dad.
hopefully not the only head you got last nite.
nice greasy teenager look right. i need way less harsh of a flash TOO MUCH INFORMATION IS GOING ON IN MY PICTURES. ooh nails are growing i might go for a manicure today. is it mean to go in with half sparkled polish on and make the girl take it off for me? it’s the hardest shit to get off ever. i should do it myself.
hello kitty band-aids can’t help me now.
DANCE TIME! had to do a write-up for this new website pool of all the businesses in the mirvish village. how the fuck do you convey this in a condensed about your establishment blurb?
how about I BET THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN AT THE VIC! (ps i heart the victory)
i chose the clarinet in elementary school (cos my brother did too, my parents didn’t want to buy another mouthpiece so i had to play that boring thing, fun eh? pfft) and used to serenade my brother and his girlfriend into the phone from upstairs or the kitchen phone (he on the basement extension) when he was hogging the thing all nite long. he’d lose it and chase me up the stairs. then ten minutes later i’d do it again. the best was when the reed wasn’t moist enough and it would do that high-pitch squeak that kills your brain.
HAHahaha what is this n’sync?
oh wait this is the cowbell song, what band are they spoofing, or what band are they? do i know anything? NO. more importantly, look how much i am getting stared at here.
sorry i blew this one xenia, next time next time!
COOL FACE!
day off time to clean my messy room.
for next halloween i am going as a wiener. my costume looks like this.
we were all beating the bar and doing the SNL sketch before i started filming and couldn’t breathe laughing then this happened taking it right over the edge.
oh liane. i was happy to see she was the leader of the party upstairs at work last nite. in case you forgot or are new here, liane and i met in england during our respective english exchange programs at the age of seventeen. she has grown into such a dreamy little adult but i can still see the non-adult in her, it’s so endearing.
so glad this came out blurry as that chick was too hot for words. i knew allison was coming in at some point but when i saw this chick i thought it was her and when allison came in she too was wounded by the beauty of this creature so i cut out early and we hid upstairs where there was less competition.
she brought her little sister katie who is painfully shy. quiet shy. then everyone talked about how shy she was and answered all her questions for her. aw. and by everyone i mean me but mostly allison. funny to see her in protective mode.
clam chowdaaaaaair special. i thought teppei said CLEM chowder ew!
erin’s amazing shoes.
boring picture much you guys? DO something next time if you’re going to mug with my camera. -headquarters.
talk about effort. i wish i made effort.
erin takes care of comedy nite and i have no idea how all these comedians lucked out with this little babe babysitting their asses. she’s a diamond in their scruff.
nails did!
i showed off my one figure skating jump and here i am landing it. fuck the olympics i got your olympics RIGHT HERE!
so ghey allison.
but you’re hot so it’s ok. i love that necklace. or that ten necklaces. also, calling all musicians who don’t deserve this poon-tang, allison is single. she requires a hot dirtbag to flirt with. get on this shit STAT before i do.
oh look it’s a comedian. this is dom. he is funny. two of his ex’s read my blog (hi tania!) he broke the bands vs comedians tension really well by making fun of skinny pants and getting one of the guys up to bu-dum-dum-ching the drums after each joke tanked. speaking of me and my blog, i’ve been meeting lots of people who read my blog lately, or know someone who does. it’s neat.
my face is so red. i tanned without makeup on. i look like a ginger who fell asleep wasted in mexico.
ben is schooling me on stand-up. i really want to do it. took some videos of him giving me lessons i’ll share later if i remember. it was his idea for the myspace picture not mine i’m way cooler than that.
ok lets pretend we’re having a great time aaaaaaand click.
katie you’re pretty and all but get the fuck out of my way.
haha i’m pushing her.
oh i’m sorry, whose blog is this again?
if you don’t have any friends you should try befriending comedians cos they never go away and need lots of attention so you instantly feel admired. ok maybe my stand-up will be about comedians? every single idea i came up with they shot down those assholes. everything’s been done before so i may as well not bother.
the tables are wonky, one reason why erin thinks she beat me at arm wrestling.
teppei is the man.
hopefully i have a tapeworm. i eat carbs like craaaazy now, remember how insanely no-carb strict i was? well now i can eat anything. it’s great. i still have a nagging voice in my head about starches though which i drown out with piles of bread and dips and pastas.
cool guys. who are you, me?
recanize.
blaaaah zzzzzzzzz.
little bit unimpressed by the cheese plate at czehoski. 12 bucks for this? even more dismal looking in real life. satiated no emotional eating requirements. the macaroni was pretty weak too. maybe it was a case of the mondays.
mer was my little dinner date. i like dating girls and paying for them. fuck men they can buy me dinner, i want to spoil my girls.
hipster guy bar line-up was pretty funny. and depressing. i love projecting shit on strangers. people do it to me all the time so it seems aptly fair.
so, raymitheminx, thank you for answering a few questions for us today:
– we know the story behind the minx, but could you tell us again?
one day i realized i was a minx and i wanted to live my life as such. i wanted to man eat. i wrote a story about a girl like this i called her raymi and i became her. i guess i’ve been acting my entire life because a lot of my happiness and self worth has been largely deriven from men and in order to get that you have to minx them. have i enjoyed any of them. no, not really. maybe some of the time. i know everything is doomed from the start but i plunge anyway. raymi the minx is a brutally painfully honest tortured bullshit artist, bullshitting herself most of all.
- how much of your blog is in character rather than lauren white?
it’s all entirely me, how ever i’m feeling at the time i write, how stoned or how hung or how miserable i am. i’m no schizophrenic. the only time i characterize myself is when i’m trying to protect myself from things like feelings and trying to appear stronger than i actually am.
- you share a lot about your personal relationships on your blog, so what kind of person attracts you?
devastating losers, messes, unattainables. i just have to know someone is thinking about me, obsessing even, i like intensity. anyone can be beautiful and cute, that part’s easy. i guess i require straight-laced berts to my ernie to tame the monster that i am. i don’t think that will happen again for a very long time though.
- you often blog about abusing substances and your desire not to drink to excess, for example. why?
i don’t abuse substances. i indulge in them from time to time and only weed which is the wimpiest of the lot but why do i talk about it? i dunno, i don’t feel the need to hide it, people can relate, it can be funny. we all have our sadness crutches. my shrink asked why i smoke weed, i said it helps me write and it makes alone time fun time. it puts the world away and i like that it’s sort of a fuck you to everybody in a sense. i could go on all night about it but really it doesn’t need to be romanticized. i can function on it but one day i’d like to be completely straight just to see if i can handle life that way. i did it once before and it was probably the most depressing time of my life.
- you’re related to jack kerouac. what would you tell him if he were alive today?
i picked up right where you left off.
i check in from time to time and, while we spent very little time together a long time ago, i know you’re a good person. i really like thinking i had a peek behind your curtain.
sitting in a hotel room in kansasfuckincity watching the comedy channel roast of william shatner, it just seemed the right time to send you a note – and because i can’t sleep. but andy dick jokes get old and farrah fawcett’s dead now.
you don’t have to respond, but i have to believe that getting past your fil isn’t easy. i confess i’m really surprised. and if you miss him, it looks like you aren’t missing a beat.
so hang in there because i still look forward to being a toothless drunk in a dive at 10am when i see you on the tv and no one believes we ever met.
you hang in there too, buddy.
sorry for the vulgar tits. honestly i’m completely fine with my nudity, after awhile you don’t even notice i’m shirtless. i do not take intentional tit shots, they’re just real life candids, in the middle of changing, getting ready to go out etc. i’m not excusing, justifying or defending why i post them any more. are they art, am i art, art art art who cares it’s just a body. these pants i’m wearing that look super baggy were the tightest pants ever alicia gave to me and i had bulging love handles when i wore them, i could only wear them on skinny days and even then i’d want to bury my torso in some gypsy billowy shirt but now they’re bags. sad face.
cannot wait for longboarding season. that’s one of my favourite things to say i can’t wait for and then i go like once or twice and then it starts snowing again. really it just means i can’t wait for warm weather to not take advantage of.
people think i don’t eat. not true. what’s more, i eat suburban styles (unhealthy).
meet my agent. not so secret anymore, despite blogging him when we first met. we have a plan now i just have to enact it. god it’s so hard being lazy and thinking you have all the time in the world.
pepto pills and notes. goin’ places, for real. hungover out of my mind. i could have gone skiing today with the work gang. regret saying no a little bit now but at 9am this morning, no fucking way guy. the last time i skiied was in grade nine and i am far more neurotic and clumsy since then. i’d rather not break my ankles today.
THE ABSOLUTE WORST SERVICE AND FOOD EVER brought to us by cornerstone. such a letdown. passing by that place it’s like nothing but cute guys, very promising, so i made a mental note to check it out someday and that i did. dude to chick ratio is pretty solid, other than that don’t go there hungry. that steak “pie” was really just a pile of slop with an oval-shaped bread hat, there was no pie to be found. period. and my curry looked like hey i didn’t know i was in a thai restaurant. tasted fine but minus zero points on presentation. red flag said i don’t know how they did it but they managed to make the fries completely flavourless.
stuff you can expect to see me in soon compliments of a super blog fan.
went for a tan at jasper studios and now i feel so good. never going back to my old joint, jasper is way cheaper.
type in my url it’s what my blog sounds like. TOTAL SHIT HAHAHAHAHHA. thanks lucas.
i’ve been receiving quite a few psychotic emails lately. here check this bullshit:
Hello!
My name is Daniel and
I am a fashion creator and i work for amarican apparel switzerland.
we opened 2 stores last year! I really dont know how is that whit these spandex dicco pants by you over there, but here in switzerland these pants are not famous! Thats the reason because i need you!
It would be not a problem, to fînd a model here but for only these one, two, pics we need, we really dont want to waist our time. we are salers no photographers So i have the exercise to find some girls, which want show us some pisc. We must search on the web, because here is nobody waer these pants. We want to improve the situation on the market, and thats difficult whit only 2 stores! Our sector is especially the DISCO PANTS! We want to bring these trend back in live!
And now that, what interest you:
why you? we have 2 things what we want to do whit your pics if we like them:
1. we manufactured posters of you and show these as advertisements.( one for example infront of each store).
2. we bring you into our fashionmagazine 2010 for our clients.
and another important: if we will choose you, you get a prize of 250 swiss francs!
At the moment we have 6 girls, wich send us some photos.
Deadline is the end of february!
-we choose 3 pics, in front, from back and from side (thats the stances).
-Its not important where do you make the pics, but you must be the only person on picture.
The pictures must be clear!!!
-If you decide to send us some pics of you, look that is the pant tight on you, and if you wear a shirt or a pullover look thats no longer until your hips!
( we must see the pant)
-and please dont forget: only black spandex disco pants
For last: dont think to much!
This organisation is only for us. Much more pics we have, much more we can choose and your chances are better.
You have only few pics on your blog, but these are not right for us!
Take a digital camera and lets make some pics of you.
Sorry for this long long mail but now you know more and all important things.
Hope you understand???
And I really want you for our publicity because you looks great!
Its dont a joke!!! please give me an anwser, ok?
And really, you have talent for this bussines, i see this.
hi Daniel I am very interested. I will get a pair of pants and take pictures with my friend as soon as possible. any other information i need to know? how should i pose? i need you to write to me from your AA email account as evidence that this isnt a hoax before i carry this out.
Hy there! Thanks for answer. Ok, its no especially to say about the stances. Take normal poses from all sides. Be creative and use your fantasy. Make positions in knees, or in sitting for example. Look thats really not a joke, i have some calificatet girls at the moment, and all the other girls they are not at first position go into our magazine! Thats a intern job in our store here in switzerland and i am normally have an other mail from work. Thats my private e- mail. I have the exersize from my boss to find people all over the world wich want help us with this publication. We importend very much of these spandex pants but nobody know for it. We have only 2 stores and we are especially look for this product! Now i hope you understand me? I would be glad if you can answer me. You look really perfect for us. Its really really difficult about this job and deadline is soon over. Im serious and if you really want work whit us i give you always informations
as soon as i can.. Regards daniel
email me from your american apparel account please then
I havent an aa account! And thats the problem! We have 2 stores, 12 salers, and i get this temporary work only for aa because this publication. Look if you dont trust me, than let it be. Its no problem for me, but you lost your chance. I waisting my time. I repeat my offer last time: would you do that or not? We have the same website like aa america and all others too! We are not the central station! I cant have an account! I work for various fashion centres only here in swiss and i us my PRIVATE mail. Also, do you want help me or not? I mean whats your problem to make some pictures? Is this difficult for you? Say me the reason.?
nothing personal to you at all i just dont know you right and if this is legit. i have friends who work for american apparel and they say this isnt how one would go about contacting a prospective model. also you would offer to send me the actual pants right? i am totally interested but if i am going to proceed i need a little more proof here is all.
Ok i understand. And are your friends really know all staff from all over the world which work for aa? I thought you own these pants allready? What do you want? I said in your blog you have some disco pants at home? Look i have no time to proofe all canditates my statemants, if you want do it, then do it, or let it. I promise i get information after we decide us for you. Bye
i do not own the pants already, what pictures of me are you referring to? i just need proof and this isnt unreasonable, if im going to book time with a photographer i dont want to get fucked over here, understand?
Ok i understand. If you dont own the pants i cant use you for that. I thought you have them and i belive you own these pants because you said in the first mail which poses do you need to make. Im sorry for waisting your time!
after my crazy appointment i felt like i should probably spoil myself by hitting every shop on queen west on my way home. this one is too expensive for words but i dunno, one retarded overpriced item a year isn’t too bad? i ended up blowing 90 bucks on five shirts instead at 69 vintage.
i feel like i’d need to start smoking again if i wanted to wear fred astaire shoes. oh, you smoke? no, only when i wear these.
guys in these shoes and some nice yuppie shorts, oh man, i die. i’m sure alicia is with me on this one.
no.
yes.
these are the acceptable jogging pants chicks can wear (as long as you pair them with four hundred dollar stacked clogs and a bad attitude) they’re $130. i almost did it. i slouch a lot anyway, that’s my stance, these are perfect slouching posing pants. you gotta be ready.
AA carries them too no? i should do the cheapie route before i decide my next fashion guru is chuck norris. (get it, karate pants omg you guys make SOME effort here please). i really like the pockets i bet i’d be playing pocket pool like crazy in these or pretend like i was always looking for something in my pocket now…where is that nickel?
had a pretty vivid dream about damon albarn and i was worried (quite stressed rather) about how i was going to get away with sneaking around with him. i woke up to reality and my non-encounter with damon albarn. holy shit can that guy just call me already i’ve spent a good grand on miscellaneous blurchandise over the years he at least owes me a roll in the hay, a photo to remember it by, and a fuckin’ high five thanks for the support despite him being a geezer now.
listened to this a billion times today it’s in my head from last nite.
oh look it’s the blog about the things and the stuff about the things hi!
come and get your shirt casie. i’m not washing it those badges are way too delicate.
one of my tips from friday nite. we’re not sure if it’s real or not, it’s a good centimetre shy of the length of a real five. meh.
kamila got cut early then she GOT CUT came back to get down and tell everyone how much she looooves them. i love drunkamila hahahaha better than her other nickname from paintball. anyway she says i’m sexy and plays with my hair and dances with me. yeah i’ve already put feelers out for a potential makeout, it’s not happening but feel free to come by to watch me in rejection action anyway. she can’t handle dirty jokes so now that i know this it’s like i can’t help but exclusively reference blow jobs. it’s an eastern euro black and white thing for sure. toughest crowd ever.
aaron is the one who gets all the phone numbers because he acts like he hates you (according to clem)(which is nothing but bullshit anyway) and it works. me i got no game, in fact, my game is saying the most awkward not funny thing ever that gets no laughs then walking away as fast as possible into a fucking wall. no one actually believes that i’m shy, SO shy. i fight it so hard, when i’m talking and seeming super casual whatever inside my head i am dyyying. classic bipolar.
have gotten skinnier since working at the central from the steam bath we go through for hours every nite. i costume change too cos i sweat tons. i even sweat when sitting still for hours on end on my laptop. gross and annoying oh nice. it’s especially fun when you can SEE a bead of sweat take form and roll down your side. i guess i’m just really toxic. sorry for sicking you out.
met teppei’s dog she is soooo darling and beautiful, husky dog eyes so sky white blue, amazing. it was like the first time i heard the beatles looking into them. teppei developed a mini crush from seeing my dog whispering skills.
at the end of the nite clem was all um are these even work safe? HA NO! though i’m loads lighter on my feet in them so maybe i’ll have to invest in some hipster jazz shoes that i actually owned and feel like if i caved and bought a pair i’d hate myself from obligatorily owning many pairs in the past, considering how expensive each pair was and how fucking geeky like, shunningly so but now it’s cool. shorts my brain right out at the thought.
but who needs a brain when you look like this, jesus! when i mess up at work my go-to excuse is i am a woman so my brain is smaller, sorry or i have a tinier brain. gets a laugh, diffusing the sitch. the smarter-seeming the guy the bigger the laugh. saying you have a smaller brain makes you look smarter. FACT.
then i almost cracked my head open falling off one of the taller bar chairs. my heart never raced so hard. i didn’t actually fall, caught myself in the nick of time. never hooking my gams over the back of one of those things for a photo ever again i’m brain damaged enough already.
reunited with his scarf. it’s ok, melodie has 80 scarves hanging up in the water closet, i’ve been eyeing them.
good tips last nite. ass take a bow.
well if anything it makes us look funnier. overheard many customers laughing their balls off over it.
zero people noticed my ghetto money nails.
my chair stacking art maybe i will balance one of the plants atop next time.
the best hair day i’ll never have again.
ok now i have to do some karaoke machine sleuthing. can you guys picture me as a regular karaoke host and would you come to see me sing and then sing, maybe thursday nites? holy dream job i am dying all over myself right now thinking about it. maybe i’ll get a headset mic and bus tables at the same time or go to the bathroom. during an interview many years ago i forgot i was mic’ed still, went to the bathroom and talked shit about the interviewer at the same time. i’m sure that was fun to play back in the editing bay. suite? i’m glad we can talk industry terms together, i feel like we’re on the same level now.
as hung as i am i’m glad i have a meeting today to force me out to greet the sun’s glaring rays of judgment and thorough disappointment in me as a human. i need to start writing more raymisemoisms. i started a twitter for the central you should follow it, not much is on it yet but when we start using it more that’ll be the guy. follow thebabecentral (thecentral was taken)(and not like the babe central is misleading or anything, hay-o).
