after my crazy appointment i felt like i should probably spoil myself by hitting every shop on queen west on my way home. this one is too expensive for words but i dunno, one retarded overpriced item a year isn’t too bad? i ended up blowing 90 bucks on five shirts instead at 69 vintage.

i feel like i’d need to start smoking again if i wanted to wear fred astaire shoes. oh, you smoke? no, only when i wear these.

guys in these shoes and some nice yuppie shorts, oh man, i die. i’m sure alicia is with me on this one.

no.

yes.

these are the acceptable jogging pants chicks can wear (as long as you pair them with four hundred dollar stacked clogs and a bad attitude) they’re $130. i almost did it. i slouch a lot anyway, that’s my stance, these are perfect slouching posing pants. you gotta be ready.

AA carries them too no? i should do the cheapie route before i decide my next fashion guru is chuck norris. (get it, karate pants omg you guys make SOME effort here please). i really like the pockets i bet i’d be playing pocket pool like crazy in these or pretend like i was always looking for something in my pocket now…where is that nickel?

had a pretty vivid dream about damon albarn and i was worried (quite stressed rather) about how i was going to get away with sneaking around with him. i woke up to reality and my non-encounter with damon albarn. holy shit can that guy just call me already i’ve spent a good grand on miscellaneous blurchandise over the years he at least owes me a roll in the hay, a photo to remember it by, and a fuckin’ high five thanks for the support despite him being a geezer now.

listened to this a billion times today it’s in my head from last nite.

natural skincare

oh look it’s the blog about the things and the stuff about the things hi!

come and get your shirt casie. i’m not washing it those badges are way too delicate.

one of my tips from friday nite. we’re not sure if it’s real or not, it’s a good centimetre shy of the length of a real five. meh.

kamila got cut early then she GOT CUT came back to get down and tell everyone how much she looooves them. i love drunkamila hahahaha better than her other nickname from paintball. anyway she says i’m sexy and plays with my hair and dances with me. yeah i’ve already put feelers out for a potential makeout, it’s not happening but feel free to come by to watch me in rejection action anyway. she can’t handle dirty jokes so now that i know this it’s like i can’t help but exclusively reference blow jobs. it’s an eastern euro black and white thing for sure. toughest crowd ever.

aaron is the one who gets all the phone numbers because he acts like he hates you (according to clem)(which is nothing but bullshit anyway) and it works. me i got no game, in fact, my game is saying the most awkward not funny thing ever that gets no laughs then walking away as fast as possible into a fucking wall. no one actually believes that i’m shy, SO shy. i fight it so hard, when i’m talking and seeming super casual whatever inside my head i am dyyying. classic bipolar.

have gotten skinnier since working at the central from the steam bath we go through for hours every nite. i costume change too cos i sweat tons. i even sweat when sitting still for hours on end on my laptop. gross and annoying oh nice. it’s especially fun when you can SEE a bead of sweat take form and roll down your side. i guess i’m just really toxic. sorry for sicking you out.

met teppei’s dog she is soooo darling and beautiful, husky dog eyes so sky white blue, amazing. it was like the first time i heard the beatles looking into them. teppei developed a mini crush from seeing my dog whispering skills.

at the end of the nite clem was all um are these even work safe? HA NO! though i’m loads lighter on my feet in them so maybe i’ll have to invest in some hipster jazz shoes that i actually owned and feel like if i caved and bought a pair i’d hate myself from obligatorily owning many pairs in the past, considering how expensive each pair was and how fucking geeky like, shunningly so but now it’s cool. shorts my brain right out at the thought.

but who needs a brain when you look like this, jesus! when i mess up at work my go-to excuse is i am a woman so my brain is smaller, sorry or i have a tinier brain. gets a laugh, diffusing the sitch. the smarter-seeming the guy the bigger the laugh. saying you have a smaller brain makes you look smarter. FACT.

then i almost cracked my head open falling off one of the taller bar chairs. my heart never raced so hard. i didn’t actually fall, caught myself in the nick of time. never hooking my gams over the back of one of those things for a photo ever again i’m brain damaged enough already.

reunited with his scarf. it’s ok, melodie has 80 scarves hanging up in the water closet, i’ve been eyeing them.

good tips last nite. ass take a bow.

well if anything it makes us look funnier. overheard many customers laughing their balls off over it.

zero people noticed my ghetto money nails.

my chair stacking art maybe i will balance one of the plants atop next time.

the best hair day i’ll never have again.

ok now i have to do some karaoke machine sleuthing. can you guys picture me as a regular karaoke host and would you come to see me sing and then sing, maybe thursday nites? holy dream job i am dying all over myself right now thinking about it. maybe i’ll get a headset mic and bus tables at the same time or go to the bathroom. during an interview many years ago i forgot i was mic’ed still, went to the bathroom and talked shit about the interviewer at the same time. i’m sure that was fun to play back in the editing bay. suite? i’m glad we can talk industry terms together, i feel like we’re on the same level now.

as hung as i am i’m glad i have a meeting today to force me out to greet the sun’s glaring rays of judgment and thorough disappointment in me as a human. i need to start writing more raymisemoisms. i started a twitter for the central you should follow it, not much is on it yet but when we start using it more that’ll be the guy. follow thebabecentral (thecentral was taken)(and not like the babe central is misleading or anything, hay-o).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_pKoaCvibo&feature

ugh i look like a beast.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNTqu7f7DzA

so so into abba. gold was the soundtrack to my wicked seventeen year old straight givin’er times. this song especially brings back a lot of nostalgic bad girl memories.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvsv23B-7T8

it’s weird to be in contact with people from that period in my life. really fucking weird. people you had written off entirely, never to see or be heard from again. kinda funny actually and apparently i’m a skeleton in their closet too haha oh yuppies, too easy. no contest. yes, you are all running for mayor.

gays love me because they can easily see impersonating me in drag. we all require personal heroes, no?

my aunt came by for a visit and shared some pasta with me. it was sweet.

clem picked her up. literally.

everyone at work is super acrobatic. it’s one of the skills required to work there actually. teppei can jump onto the bar from a standing position. nucking futs! he has like, a twelve pack. clem asked what i would do if i had a boyfriend with abs like that. i’d lock him in a cage.

exact moment in time coworker and a ‘mo admit to my overall hotness, don’t fight it guys. also i left my vibrator ahem, massager, at work for the crabby people.

ahh man what a write off day now that friday is out of the way (the give it harder night) we can commence with friday’s second chance classically known as saturday.

note to self remind teppei how serious we are about starting the reverse plastic ono band, i’m john, he’ll be yoko.

thanks to last nite i had to push my meeting with secret (book) agent man to tomorrow. it’s ok he knows how much of a stoner (loser) HARD WORKING CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF SOCIETY i am. isn’t it his job to be pushing me? yeah i think it is let me look over that contract again.

bluren was my blur nickname you idiots.

can i pull off this hat no i can’t. check my four hour’s sleep eyebag line, no wait don’t. not like you could miss it though here let me just HIGHLIGHT IT MORE.

vermicelli break. kinda bleh compared to my true spadina garden love.

waffle shirt one.

love handles i have conquered thee. it’s gonna be a gooood summer.

dear dad, thanks for the apathetic constitution. your teenage face lives on.

waffle two. kinda bland but a good bland, tight yet loose yet tight. alright.

i could wear it like a dress if i was feeling especially insano.

nebraska is for lovers. she threw this guy in for free so sweet as it was my favourite find. it says bob on the back. bob. from nebraska. hi bob, i feel like i know so much about you and yet you know nothing about me and that makes me sad.

close to going with a huge man cardi but then spied this soft little lamb.

i can feel your jealousy and it disgusts me.

hair air dries kinky like this.

now i’m just waiting to be invited to go back in time to an 80’s aspen fondue wife-swap.

charades anyone?

who messed up this dresser i can totally tell one necklace was moved.

ain’t she swell my pube line goes up to my ears and down to my knees. greek in a past life. the first time i ever did some upkeep down there i didn’t know how the shit to go about it so i used a razor and i guess went a little far with the project. ingrown bumps for days after that. cool i screwed up my life at puberty.

shrinkage was so underwhelmed by my life changes it was like i was telling him about folding socks.

evidently i am a mess a big old mess according to some nobody who reads my blog and i’m unaware of it. sorry i forgot to send out the i’m a mess right now bulletin. but mostly i’m sorry for your sad bastard life and wrongful conclusions about me and mine. i love my life right now. let me emphasize it, i am LOVIN’ LIFE RIGHT NOW. i have never been so happy. well im sure i have but for the moment this is the happiest i have been in a very fucking long time and i’m sorry (not sorry) it appears messy on the outside. choke on my happiness you penis.

analamos Says:

oh im a mess because im honest. right. YAWN!! im a mess because im a mess boy that was lazy of you. do you know what? everyone is a mess. no one has it figured out. i’m merely online sharing my tales of life in-flux. i have never been so happy before.

i’ve also not been so present and self-aware like this in ages. you think you’re such a slick fucker i’m not even going to bother making fun of where you live and generalizing the tired brand of skid you are cos at heart you know that i know that you know your life sucks which is why you psycho-analyze mine.

before this period i was doing everything right from a shallow viewpoint. man, ring, en route to marriage and inevitably kids. yet we were soooo unhappy. now we have none of those things and are happy. so fuck you and your stupid textbook philosophies, you are dead wrong. the messiest thing about me is my room and my sentences.

god why am i always defending myself to assholes all the time.

i have an appointment with my “the rapist” today. finally. it was supposed to be march 4 they called and left a v mail saying it’s canceled and i was set to lose it on them, i’ve been waiting to see my guy since the summer. haven’t seen him since before i left the city, and my ex. the shrink’s head is going to turn right the fuck around when i fill him in on all that’s been asunder. he’ll be most pissed i’m smoking weed again. i could tell he was getting tired (bored) of me at the end of our sessions cos each one would be further and further apart. this typically happens to me with shrinks. i tell them my shit, they listen, then we discuss how smart i am yet how stubborn to make any sort of change in my life regarding how much i drink (drank). i said all of our friends drink. he said that’s because you surround yourselves with drinkers so it seems normal. uh, oh, uh, err, right. ok well we go (went) to lots of events where they fall all over themselves plying you with booze and swag, something every nite of the week practically. buh. anyway, i filled up a triple script of chill pills back then and slowly went through them. i don’t rely on them so much anymore because i’m not drinking insane amounts from moving over to weed, the hangover anxieties have lessened and lessened but then the anxiety came back from burlington stress so i was still pretty dependent on them. there’s a point in here somewhere (i am stoked to be getting a script today, essentially). i still have anxiety but it isn’t as bad i feel, i’m removed from stressful people/influences now. i went to bed nauseous and woke up as such every single day practically in burlington. i just wasn’t happy anymore and woke up miserable every fucking day. it wasn’t easy in the end there. ok this is just therapy practice now i bet if i take a deep breath i can pack in a quick summary of the past five months of my life to my therapist then deflate like a balloon in the chair. i could forward him every single news article about the past five months too but then he’d know my blog but i kinda do in a way want him to see it cos i get the feeling he thinks i am infuckingsane when i vaguely make mention of this pseudo-fame thing to my person like just go see for yourself ok but then i won’t be able to write about it here so i’m not going to share it afterall. half the therapist’s i’ve had have been privy to my blog and it fucks me up so i’m not going to do that again. whether they actually read it or not it will still change how i write about certain experiences. this blog is a psychiatrist’s wet dream. or nightmare.

speaking of swag, awesome bag from the spoke club we love toronto party. another pair of calvin klein’s this time hot pink and givenchy perfume, gave one of each to kamila. i’m about to have an affair with myself and the frizz-ease john frieda shamp/condish that came with said bag right now. also this weird face buffer exfoliator that’s strong enough a vibrator to make a trip to come as you are totally unness! except for that gallon pump jug of liquid silk ew when did things get all lewd in here it’s too early for this kind of talk.

someone came here by searching for SEXY NINJA TURTLES. did you find any?

actually i’m not a lousy lay, i’m pretty good in the sack i just prefer to not put much effort into it sometimes. like i put so much effort into making the vessel dynamite. sick. slammin’. so maybe yeah, you pick up the slack now for me will ya?

so the red flag and i have been pissing the day away. the red flag is my current kill btw. i’ve been trying to exercise some restraint in the discussing what i’m bagging department, well, in the not discussing it department. discussing it on my blog that the universe reads department. now why is he a red flag? many reasons. well, for starters he’s an emotional island which seems to be my fuckin’ cup of tea. he’s also rife with baggage. it was going to end last week actually, i foresaw it ending in one giant mess but things changed, we had “the talk” so we both know where we stand for the most part.

knowing something can’t go anywhere is a bit of a relief but it’s also like maybe it can? you still know it can’t though. i see him as a challenge, i like challenges. i think i can conquer people. i ensnare them in my dramatic world and they enjoy their stay in raymiland if but for a short while.

so it’s exclusive banging for now but it’s not like i’m not looking for something better. he said that he won’t be able to give me what i need and thats fine i don’t need a boyfriend right now. he says for now i’m on the rollercoaster at raymiland and i like it. i’m gonna ride again.

i’ve made contact with an old consort from a good ten years ago at least. retardedly good looking, hasn’t aged at all. now this guy is a major deviant so who knows where it’ll go, how it’ll go. i do not intend to fuck him, so there’s that decision made for now. it’s still a jealousy trap which we all know i’m a huge believer in/fan of.

when i contacted red flag i told him my intentions were entirely indecent. i was thinking about how i was coming back to the city and maybe i should have some extracurricular activities lined up for myself. he took the bait and off we went. i remember feeling sad after/during the first encounter cos i figured that woulda been it. i’ll have to come back to this later kinda gotta split and i’m covering for someone tonite. later wieners!

Hello Raymi dearest. Do you remember when I use to call you an asshole all the time on viceland? Haw! The key to the internet is to talk at people and never respond to them. Never answer questions. Never acknowledge. Just at at at. The creepy lurker doesn’t exist. You’re not supposed to write a fucking post about him.

Billy Mystery

Good point. Honestly I was just passing time stoned jeez people think I’m slitting my wrists over it. Which vice fuck were you there’s billions.

Hint: I wasn’t Lloyd.

You took the ball and ran with it. I want to see what happens. You don’t seem to have a plan.

I have no fucking clue who you are and no I don’t have a plan because I have a life.

Course not. There were billions. How can your write a goddam blog for a decade and then say you have no plan because you “have a life.”

Miscommunication. I’m too blasted right now for how deep this might get.

N-joy. xo

How are u even following my bullshit still

What do you mean? Like how would I be bothered to?

I dunno. I just place vice history in a diff compartment of my brain entirely. I’m loads more sensitive since then.

Who could forget, the entire letters section was reserved for driving a train up your ass. Anyway, it’s well past bedtime in my land. goodnite (I’m loads more sensitive too).

you’ve been blogged

can’t wait to see your photos brett.

this is the last picture taken on my camera before i packed’er in for the nite. met up with allison and talked her head off. she was very interested in single raymisms.

later on we bumped into gill oh what a treat that was.

painted lady throws a mardi gras every tuesday so fun.

back to business.

ok lesson learned sorry for sounding like a giant pussy yesterday it’s nice to know you prefer tough mouth screaming at you blog personae so lets roll with that from now on right after i address some emails. (pussy out a little more first). honestly i wasn’t at home so i couldn’t work with photos for content so i was mostly just passing time being a whiner. i have an immediate reaction to things, express them, then move on. thanks for your patience.

but in the meantime, here is a poll because someone requested it and i am a nice guy and live to please. i am also a big fan of bullshit distraction.

i can’t make up my mind with this one. i think i really liked my thumb back when i sucked it all the time but then i moved on to middle, then ring, then pointer and my pinkies always hold a special place in my heart cos they’re so mangled what to do what to do. i’ll wait to vote once other people start casting theirs.

yesterday we did the national post photos and i wore the most unseasonable dress ever and swam in it. it’s the dress i bought around xmas when i should have been buying presents for people who aren’t me. i’ve lost weight since then so it’s like a giant snuggie diaper on me. i bet it’ll shrink up. i was in the shower and thought to myself from now on i am going to live (and dress) like summer is never coming, why save a dress? like oprah said, burn those fancy candles now what are you waiting for the fucking pope to come over? cos he’s never coming over. sorry. it would be nice if she said that verbatim. but you know what i mean. don’t wait just act and act now. i am not a fan of waiting. i’ve always been a blurter and to my detriment that’s where i am most selfish of all, i have to say it no matter what the consequences. i release it unto the world and that’s how i am able to carry on and heal from it otherwise i walk around pent up like the rest of yous. that shit will give you cancer guy, so just say it. tell her you love her tell him you hate him tell them they hurt you and you’re not taking it anymore, what’s the hold up?

gill and i compared big mouth notes last nite. i told her friend that i am probably the only other person who is just as obnoxious as gill and gill was like yeah that is actually true. she stopped an entire dinner service at the drake to toast everybody. i was like what were you celebrating? winterlicious. fuck i love gill. then she toasted everybody on the patio too.

Hey Raymi,

Kat

we will address more blond in my next post ok? can you tell my eyebrows are lighter? not a huge difference, pretty subtle. until the roots grow out at least.

focusing on myself and talking about myself, thinking about myself, BEING myself is exhausting a lot of the time. i also feel like the most self-absorbed person in the world right now. for the last entire life of mine for the most part i’ve been making decisions based on two people. should we do this, can we do that, how about the other thing, where should we go what will we eat, how much will it cost, am i pretty enough, is he into me on and on for years and even then i felt pretty self-absorbed but now that i get to plan for me and me alone i feel hyperly-selfish. trying to get used to it. i think my writing and showmanship has all changed for the better since, not to dog anyone but i was always checking in before hitting publish always editing and over-thinking and making sure i didn’t go too far. i feel free now and i feel high from that a lot. i think they call it independence. i do think that life is better (best) experienced shared with others but yeah, it’s also nice to be alone too. if you don’t like my choices you can fuck off out of here then. brilliant!

see how diapery. saving the “better” pictures for next post.

i definitely have fears (and crazy moments of shyness) about art and moving forward and i love my safety bubble for sure but it’s nice to feel like you’re falling sometimes. i like not knowing what’s next. i worry about ok if my roommates want to move away what the fuck will i do about it? people back themselves into worry corners so that they don’t have to do anything or change, they think that this is it and this life is laid out before them before they’ve even lived it and there’s no way to change it so may as well accept it now and carry on. as if. so as much as i’m all look at me go look at me evolve, i’m still a pretty big hypocrite most of the time, but i’m trying to fix that. at one point i think i accepted the possibility that this is as big as i’m ever going to be so give it a rest maybe. i fight with that daily actually. like i’m supposed to be seeking out venture capitalists and telling them about this NEXT BIG THING and I’M IT lets turn your $3 million into $6million! ha. that’s just not how it works anymore (maybe i should go on dragon’s den?). unless i brand this more, make a magazine, get a movie, a show, i dunno. you can only blog for so long really. i mean i know how compulsive i am so i will likely do it forever but i so totally have to stop. i’m giving myself another year to “make it” and if it doesn’t happen then i’m getting married and pregnant (not) i just went against everything i said up there. clem says if i’m working at the central in a year then i have failed. he’s right. he wants us to stay but he wants us to have dreams too.

well wasn’t this a total mess of a post jeez.

i keep smelling weed and i can’t tell if it’s the subletters downstairs or my own. it woke me up out of sleep actually. i think they’re french or something. the chick downstairs who lives there is off in montreal for a bit…WORKING ON FUBAR 2! i would die to hang with deaner and i think it might happen. cool to travel to montreal just to hang with the fubar guys or should i make up some other reason first like um, blog business haha.