i have dated too many of you and neither of us fit the bill for the other.
there is a fleet of serial daters, the lot of us, we are all on this site because we are inherently flawed or just too picky. the older you get the harder this is. i for one am not willing to settle but this doesn’t mean i am difficult or a challenge, too set in my ways, or “intimidating” despite what every person i know tells me. haha.
i typically am an adapter. i was in a long term over a year ago for many years and then we were engaged. so i know i am not completely awful as i was ring worthy. i can be arm candy, your conspirator, gatherer, your loyal old fashioned lady.
i’m pretty smart (but i say stupid things often, endearing things that will make you feel like a man) and i enjoy to pose as an independent type though really i prefer relationships. we can blend our worlds together, nothing needs to be compromised, you don’t stop your life just because you fall in love though if yer keen on running away and dropping off together for a lust stint, game on.
i am a dreamer and a muse. i am witty and sharp. i have quirks. i can “play the game”. i do not cheat. i can be selfish but i can also go the distance. i am dependable and i hope i ace this job interview.
speaking of, my internet-related job is blogging. i say that with zero sheepishness attached. i hustle my ass off and lead a very charmed life because of it. i have access to lots of great stuff and experiences and am tired of bestowing it on my loser friends.
i have a thing for yuppie scum. hipsters. aged rockers. controlling men. unstable dudes. jocks. slumming it. making you think you have a chance when you don’t to avoid awkward confrontation and making you think i am in love with you because i somehow think that makes things better just to see if you are an idealist like me.
my older profile write-up made men write to me and accuse me of being “crazy”. if i were a man with what i had said prior (nothing out of the ordinary, just bare bones honesty) not one of you would say that, you’d simply go, oh, this is a man expressing his opinions of course, because he is a man. not to be all feminazi or anything but give the c-word a rest. your lazy intellect is showing when you go that route. i have demands and expectations just like you. i’m a catch. done.
if you like live music you’re in luck. if you like nice restaurants, that too.
First Date
we would do anything you wanted to do followed by me agreeing with everything you say and meeting your mother and washing dishes with her while you watch football and drink beer and then i pick up the tab.
my body fat is 26% this means I AM FAT. i had an arm ultrasound and got to see the layer of fat surrounding my biceps. you guys think you’re all tough saying mean things to me all the time, well, i challenge you to a body analysis. i just looked at my chart again. i’m overweight. excuse me while i go punch a pillow. ok technically overweight but acceptable and healthy for my height and age.
just doin’ my thing thang. i feel great after my workout which wasn’t even a workout apparently. i weigh more than my home scale tells me. more than my dad’s scale too. i am always dubious of scales. i’ll talk about all that later when i get photos back from today and do a proper post. for now, narcissism at its best.
bought these bell bottom gap pants from salvation army in burlington over the summer soooo glad i didn’t cut them into shorts they are a perfect fit and i never had such a flattering highwaisted pair of bell bottoms before that fit perfect and for like 5 bucks. i just took a bb photo of the tag because i am too lazy to get up and turn around and figure out if they were actually club monaco or gap.
hello world, meet dorkstick. dorkstick, world. i’m going to call someone that today and i know exactly the guy. we’re meeting later to discuss the infamous globe and mail article he wrote on my breakup and other stuff i completely forgot we made plans until he texted me today. whoops sorry. glad you did chris.
this shirt is just dying to explode open i already puffed my chest and ribs out as practise and the bottom button totally popped good thing they’re snaps. this used to be steph’s and she’s a little bird so you can imagine how small it is. i have a tiny upper torso thankfully and small ankles too i made them measure them for me and i said i was going to measure all the other girl’s ankles and then reveal my ultra teeny number. jesus it’s all i have ok just let me have this one thing CHRIST.
i discussed possible implants last nite. yeah no by the time i could afford it or someone would want to foot the bill for me i’d be over it. you have to earn implants. big fake tits aren’t going to make you prettier in the face. i think i’d do it though, if hugh hefner bought them for me and stuck me in the magazine. i’m going to write to playboy actually. last nite during my insomniac tossing and turning i composed the entire email in my head as well as one to some resorts in maui and various other companies i’ve been putting off for awhile. INTERNS WHERE ARE YOU?
if i say it’s my goal to be in playboy and invent a controversy around it then maybe it will happen. how many people are dying to rip into me for that eh.
i’ve never done the full on money shot. i know hustler does it and playboy is classier and i don’t think i’d need to go spread eagle (ugh i HATE that term it’s so, vulgar) but yeah, the added anticipation of raymi finally going buck, my existing audience, the hatred for me, and the perverts…fingers crossed.
there are sooo many hotter chicks than me, believe me i know, however, i have an interesting look and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how to look hot. work out like crazy, get blond hair, tan, cutesy outfits, maybe fake tits. write a book about it. bahaha.
love these pants i’m going to wear them out for real. they’re better than my regular leggings which finally just bit the dust inner seam-wise and bonus some yuppie scum might fall in love with me. crazydick2010 had this to say about the above photo “you are every time more sexy” thanks guy!
jerk mussels. whenever i want something spicy or hot they always warn me like i’m a puny little baby and it sets me off. oh it’s hot? GOOD that’s what i asked for right?
i’m going to be super ripped and then get a tan to set it off and then i’ll look like a machine. thursday i go back for the second portion of my training test.
worst. sleep. ever. staying in and www-ing it to be “good” actually makes me stay up later. my mind goes all racy thinking about emails and stuff to do write ugh aghhhhh.
and i’m not supposed to have coffee before my tests this morning but whatever i don’t think it will make any difference really. i am wearing my new turbo outfit like a keener.
hi lululemon! thanks for the discount. this is how you get a discount friends, just say you are the president of imaginaryland and they’re like ok sure no problemo. i loooove the pants i chose and i got a work out shirt too which was kind of ridiculous but looks good so whatever. i checked my bank account today and have decided mother warbucks needs to take a bit of a rest. spending money will not make me any happier long term. or skinnier.
so expensive. i wanted to get a pair of the classic pair too. next time. i went with insight pant cos of all the zippers and cute details and i don’t have cankles so why would i go with bells? they do help hide my love handles though or make me look carmen electra curvy in a dated gina way which i like cos i am sort of tacky sometimes and nostalgic.
zero makeup raymi. tomorrow is my consult at the motion room i can’t wait and stayed in tonight to be good. filled out my form wanna read it? yes? cool.
What are your expectations of the motion room?
to give me kelly ripa arms and rid me of my love handles.
How would you describe your lifestyle?
i party a lot, i drink too much, i smoke weed, i eat rich foods often but balance that by starving myself and coast on lots of coffee throughout the day. i might eat once a day and then at night i over eat. im nocturnal.
(bahahahha “i balance that” ahahahahhahahaha)(yes i balance being disgustingly unhealthy with even more disrespectful body torture)
What would you most like to change in your current lifestyle?
drink less
What do you enjoy most about exercise?
the feeling afterward and seeing results
What do you not enjoy about exercise?
traveling to the gym by bike, it’s far from where i live. i have guilt when i don’t exercise.
Do you feel you have additional motivation and support from family/friends?
yes. i need to stay physically fit as i am in the public eye and extra scrutinized. i also have high personal standards for aesthetics and fashion also dictates things, you just look better in clothes skinnier.
When was the last time you did achieve or were at your goal?
i have periods of mania weight loss. i suffer from depression and if the body doesn’t want to lose weight then it won’t no matter how much i work out, the summer made me fat. my metabolism got out of whack now that it’s getting back to normal something finally clicked within me and my body is allowing for me to get sleek and toned again, it’s already happening.
How often did you work with your Fitness Professional to achieve your goals?
i work out alone
What goals did you achieve?
(when i joined my gym last year) started getting ab definition and my arms became more toned but i didnt realize it at the time because i have body dysmorphia.
What was the time frame?
a month. very little work out gets me into shape.
there’s more to it, just yes or no tick offs. so based on all the crap i said and how i do tomorrow they will design a personalized routine for me. an assault gauntlet. i am stoked. today i hit the elliptical like a spazzoid. if the machine doesn’t caps lock scream at me on the moving ticker SLOW DOWN TO LOWER HEART RATE then i am not working out hard enough. i love to get a machine with a window alignment so i can stare at my reflection and bounce in tandem with the music i’m listening to. listening to jams makes it easier and you can mentally traverse through fantasy disco dancing superstar world and time goes faster. today it was to the blow soundtrack. brings me back to manhattan beach.
flickr is being a twat can’t upload all my pics. this is during chat roulette on saturday nite. more like penis roulette. it’s bizarre yet completely understandable. a real glimpse of the world and how quickly you are willing to disrobe for strangers. you can watch them watch you. it’s fucked.
i had jerk chicken tonite and sake and hotel lobby couch surfing in my tickle trunk vortex. i think if i had a gym in my hood i would stop dating altogether.
do you get stressed out about the feeling of time speeding up? events before they happen. the mental image of christmas, a huge block of time, a good two months once halloween is over, it is a hurdle, well, i can’t do anything until that’s all over with and by the way i’m single so it’s going to be a depressing block of time. i know it won’t be, doesn’t have to be, but the old fashioned and traditional part of me (which is a huge part actually) is kinda going bah-humbug just a little.
i’ll take a boyfriend anyone will do for the next two months. this i am not going to do. if it happens it happens. you can take anyone to christmas you know, and then you can dispense of them if need be. i am not willing to compromise all that i have built for myself to date, this single little world, for someone who gets on my nerves and nitpicks at my life. i need my privacy and space. if they’re worth it then i will devote myself to them and they will become my life but until them i am not settling.
piece of fish dating is making me crazy. i am tired of saying the same stupid stories about what i do, being proud and then defensive and then see you later dude.
i know a guy who is single and gay in the burbs and every christmas he goes away to a resort alone to cruise dudes. i think a lot of gay people, couples, single, christmas might not be ideal. shunned by families, or shunning them. there is an added stress in showing them too, i can make a better family than you and be gay, take that nuclear failure of a family.
i appreciate my friends so much. i take them way less for granted than i did before when i was practically married. one by one i spend more time with each person and they take me aside and i can tell what they’re going to say to me before they say it and i cut them off at the pass and say yes, i know, i’m a whole new person now, don’t you like this one better? they do.
a girlfriend of mine said she was so crazy depressed emphasis on the crazy when single that her friends had to physically come and get her and bring her to their place that’s how overwhelming solitude can get for a woman. it is ingrained to be a gatherer and if we have no one to gather for we start to come undone. why do you think the majority of spinsters have all this weird art and creations and zany overall?
i have this loose ambition of what my future should be like meanwhile living an opposing lifestyle to it. i have to keep myself open because you never know where shit may lead which i feel makes men a bit wary to get involved.
i’m going to start wearing baseball hats unironically to make everyone uncomfortable in places like the keg, just totally unfashionable and then once it takes, NO HAT.
he was intense. i was posing for photos by haitham at the time which is why i had the hammed up hypnotic factor but did he really have to purposely plant himself like that in front of me? haha brad and britt you goobers.
babysitter’s loosening up now watch out and that guy is def on something, we were dancing to techno or house. this is at the end when the party is over. i saw the guy from central who organizes hip hop nite (joseph?), the guy who got the guy who almost decked me out did i ever tell that whole story? he had no clue who i was because my hair was always up at the central (sweat factory) as i was saying bye to him outside of gibson he was like uhhh okkkkk pretending to know who i was as i was saying tons of personal details so he knows he should know who i am. poor guy, deer caught in my platinum head lights. ps. i was not fired from the central you lying troll. why would i party with my ex-boss (clem) so much if i was fired? only a total loser would do that, heard of pride?
i need to get a belt for those pants i should’ve bought them smaller i will try to get them in a size smaller next suburban journey out. dancing is hard when your ass is hanging out.
when this face comes at you it means you are in for a squeeze. don’t you want to hug the crap out of me? look at that. HEY DUDES THIS IS FUN RIGHT? wiener.
i died when cam came at us with his omg hurry i want to smoke i thought we were smoking face, funnier than this and the smoke fell out of his mouth and stuck to his lip. then i wanted to copy the moment for myself because i am the dane cook of jokes.
smoking gross. gross gross. guys who smoke smell and taste so bad when you make out. if i am going to the trouble of fraudulently making myself look like an innocent little princess for you to slobber all over then you should show me the courtesy of carrying gum always. another funny thing i whip out when they start groping my hair all over is saying my hair is expensive, don’t touch it that either kills the mood or makes it better and i don’t care either way, shit IS expensive, high maintenance, yeah i have it sponsored but still it’s not there for your dirty hands to grease up. you must earn the right. shannon said that our platinum hair is like shingles on a roof, it takes everything it touches, is just waiting to soak it in. so much controversy surrounds platinum hair i feel and have experienced over the last year, less than, being platinum. people love to hate the blond girl and for some reason feel obligated and more entitled to telling the blond girl a piece of their fucking mind. people go out of their way to tell me i looked better brunette but i look good platinum. you know what? i look AMAZING platinum and i never fucking asked you what you think so thank you. rude asshole. blonds just make you uncomfortable. they actually have more fun too. i’ve been every colour so i’m allowed to report on this FACT. things just change when you go blond. you’ve never done it therefore you never know so you cannot say to me that it isn’t true, you don’t know until you make the move and if you were blond at a time and you didn’t have fun well then your blond must have been too brassy then. meow.
sorry for being defensive all the time i know it’s an unlikeable trait and feature i just can’t help it. i am a smug cynical bastard with a billion theories littered with holes. it’s my job to keep my chin up through all the mean that comes my way, whether deserved of it or not (ultimately, no one deserves cruelty, that law should be universal) it triggers me and i let fly my opinions just like everybody else.
i love the bovine’s labyrinth garbage dump tim burton vibe and i especially like going there dressed the opposite of everyone else and confusing people, then showing them what punk is really all about.
w. cockblocked the hell out of me just as the line of bros at the bar were starting to familiarize themselves with planet platinum polly anna w turned up.
shanghai snack. prior to bovine in the cab i asked wendi what she wanted, food or party, cos we were going to do both but could only do so in a articular order as it was nearing last call. she was more blotto than i was but was up for party more than eating and that’s all i needed to hear.
relax people we aren’t running out of internet space there’s enough for everybody.
yes, you were rude last nite as you insulted me 20 times within the span of two minutes with your bad breath up in my face. you lack social tact.
i also heard an interesting (untrue) take on someone else’s version of halloween nite. i do not let liars get away with spreading falsehoods about me. sad.
if i wasn’t doing this i would still be the same person, take away the blog, same person. so, you hate what i do. you do not know me, you think you do. this is just simply what i do. i don’t hate you for whatever bullshit office job you have sitting on your ass on facebook all day collecting a paycheck asleep at the wheel while all the bloggers blog taking the business world by storm in their savvy ways.
bloggers are not going away, like it or not, people listen to bloggers more than they listen to you. bloggers are the people, passionate people.
i’ll come back to this i have to get ready for dinner and a movie.
just when i am in the happy place and the negativity starts to clear i learn of all these new awful things people say about me. real life haters. it rolls off my back this time but it’s pretty irritating as it’s consistent and prophetically i said one night of party can haunt me for weeks in this town. people need to get better hobbies.
love me hate me look down your nose at me, guess what, people come here every day to look at me and learn about me and see what the very next thing i did was or what i am about to do. they come back multiple times and check me before their own email.
here i am in my other life, tickle trunk world. i had been avoiding my room for over a week. such a sty. when we have after parties they tend to end up in my room and all my girl stuff (clothes)(sugar and spice and everything nice too don’t forget that) i shove into my wardrobe or in corners, clean clothes in the laundry pit ugh so then i wake up and go i gotta get the f out of here, gym time then burlington and every time i come home to my museum exhibit of an after party i ask myself why the fairies haven’t cleaned while i was away? like opening an empty fridge, maybe something new will appear this time?? nope. anyway don’t i look like the wife of sir sean connery in a movie of us as authors and i am about to write in my moleskin and pat him affectionately on the back?
it’s going to be christmas for awhile in here. remember in beaches when bette middler goes to the city and her nerdy friend follows and they’re in her apartment and it’s full of tacky cheapish retro junk? i think i just invented another trend. my projection for FW/11 is BEACHES which of course in a quarter inch think spread will look zany and out there, seeing the word beaches in winter.
i was a happening in dollarama when i bought all these. i see that flower wall and i want to sweep by it with open arms and grab everything in my path.
clothing rack collapsed twice on me. i put it together backwards of course what’s the big deal it’s a pole what does it matter if i jam it in this way? oh it matters. i don’t want to talk about it. being b a k e d was an added obstacle. i hate cleaning i get cleaning anxious. i am stressed out and angry while cleaning almost violently tackling 5 things at once and tweeting shit along the way? it’s overwhelming when you live in a rainbow. so if you get stoned you become a cleaning machine but you have to fight your way out of being lazy and creative and easily distracted and move on to jamming socks into other socks folding shirts making an underwear pile and jamming it into the drawer satisfaaaaaaaaction ahhhhhhh.
and i can make use of this couch for something other than a massive pile of clothes. i think it will motivate me to be less of a slob. i dragged this out from the office. i think if that room doesn’t become organized soon i am going to be a severely unlikeable person for the next little while. a source of my stress and unhappiness is from being surrounded by clutter. i can’t do it anymore there’s just way too much shit in this place.
suburban lifestyles time i am singing la isla bonita here. i know it by heart so i danced with people and sang attacked them in their faces. that place is bumpin’ on karaoke nite. that’s lois and phil beside me they’re in the crew. see how i have two left feet, or two right however which way you look at it? cool one, white.
the cougs were chomping at it for that singer dude and that’s sean there in the foreground to the left. i met him during an oakville bender during the G20 he was like heeeeeeey and i couldn’t figure out how i knew the guy (i meet a lot of people and the older i get the worse my memory) and my mom is like HE IS CUTE GO FOR IT i’m like mum i know him i don’t know how but i do then i stared at him like a mental case for awhile and it clicked. ps. 80% dudes in tin cup during customer appreciation night half of which were hiding wedding bands in their pockets. fuckers.
another embarrassing one is i’ve been going around accepting compliments for my hat and saying thanks it’s my roommate’s, i’ve been hiding that i’ve been wearing it too. wearing it in FEAR. guess what, this is my own fucking hat. i bought it in kensington market with kamila many months ago. i think because it came into my ownership at the same time of moving here i feel like acquiring it and a whole new life i dunno, it’s probably melodie’s hat. yes, life is tough when you are a total idiot.
THE FUTURE IS RIGHT NOW. is it bad how much i blend in here? if you can adapt to any situation or setting in life then you are a smart one i feel. every situation except maybe a meth lab life like in harry brown, yikes.
look i’m singing the swan farewell song to my youth while a coug hand beckons me onward toward the second phase of my life’s journey, prematurely. come join us raymiiiii…
plaid shirt bald guy’s birthday. he had a thing with the first bald guy. ps. SO many bald guys but anyway first bald guy basically gets too friendly with the ladies all the time and birthday baldy had to put him in his place. a drink was smashed, lots of shoving. this was right after my own mini thing i’ll write about another day. i am trying to distance myself from the party girl personae but looks like it won’t be happening any time soon.
wasn’t planning on a hands-on demo at my new fitness centre today The Motion Room (grand opening was tuesday, early bird special fyi.) but once i saw it with my own eyes i couldn’t resist, improperly dressed for it or not let me at that stat. major gym withdrawl hanging around burlington so long.
um how funny is this picture please say i am not the only one convulse laughing the couch to pieces right now we’re like a who’s line is it anyway sketch where one person is either sitting, standing or lying down.
and now i am sweating profusely. 1. hangover sweats 2. i am a sweaty person 3. sitting in the car with the sun on me very still my body was just waiting for a reason to soak my shirt, hit the motion room and BAM i have to remove my fake rich girl shirt it’s practically disintegrated into nothing by now anyway (it was cheap).
then it was joseph’s turn to make me compete like a hyper-active mental soldier in training. there’s a couple moves that stumped the rain man part of my brain. maybe we’ll make a video.
i asked what part of your body benefits from this psychotic rendition of hopscotch and before he could answer i said everything on my body that’s jiggling right now right? ugh i could see everything from all angles and a tight translucent white camisole is so not your friend during a drill.
how fun is astroturf??? these guys are smart. it was like walking into your own fantasy football field with the movie toys god i love that movie. astroturf runway.
learning and listening face on. guys i get my own personal trainer for six months (three to start and then maybe 6) three times a week am i mental or what? i am being lectured about nutrition too. i guess that means it’s time for a detox so long johnny walker and jim beam its been swell. (just kidding i don’t drink that stuff).
my blob arms are going to be ripped. before photo. not very fair though as i’m not flexing. ps. that cowl whatever thing (dicky? hahaha) is great for hiding arm fat mom can you grab me the grey one too please i’ll reimburse (cheapskate).
these balls have sand in them and you lift them to and fro without making the sand inside move i can see getting obsessive about that which is great because then you don’t realise you’re actually doing physical work you’re too busy being insane focusing on your one job which is to not disturb a pile of sand inside a ball.
i got mad imaginary seas to sail guys you might want to take a knee or something this is going to take awhile and can you get me something to wear out of the boy’s pirate box please? devastatingly crucial.
don’t people look so much more important when they’re holding things? i look positively brilliant like, i am so going places in the world obviously, i drink water and i’m holding a t-shirt (for another day) i am a planner, i plan ahead. that’s what that is right there.
that bar is 7.5 pounds. pole aerobics is tough i walked out of a lesson once with my mom and felt like a total out of shape loser. i hadn’t worked out in years at the time now i could totally hack it.
james knows everything and i could tell he’s not going to let me get away with mentally checking out. most people go to a trainer because they realize they need help, they need to be told how to work out and require the motivation and the shaming-aspect. i wonder if they get sworn at a lot. maybe i should watch some episodes of the biggest loser to practice how verbally abusive i can be. so next week i go back for my agility tests and other things they need to see how fit i am and then they will tell me the brutal honest truth of how fat i am. CANNOT WAIT. i’m going to bring some friends along with for a beating if any of you sloths are game for it. cute outfits, mirrors, astroturf, trainers, no brainer much?
