raymi rockin’ and rappin’ about futons and nachos in her lavender dress

back in the day i was doubling my friend on my bike, she was sitting on the handlebars. so we were riding, riding, riding tra la la la then i rode into a curb and we got biffed up into the air, she did a faceplant and landed on her teeth. they busted out and she was really really mad and crying. turns out it was a good thing kuz her teeth were ugly anyway so she got nice straight white ones after that.

Guide to public washrooms

 the stall closest to the bathroom entrance is usually the cleanest because most people would rather use a stall as far away from the door as possible, weird yes, but true. People feel more comfortable and want to hide from everyone else in publik restrooms so they go as far away as they can. The stalls closest to the door are rarely used so they�re your best bet for a pooh.

 the handicapped stalls are fun becuz they�re nice and big and you probilly won�t get an std becuz u know that handicapped people don�t get laid very often. However beware, there�s usually pee all over the toilet seat in the hand.cap stall from retards not being able to balance themselves properly on the seat.

 you can write whatever you like on the walls in a public washroom. Some enjoy a nice, �I�m watching you pee.� Or �fuck you, whore cunt bitch faggot nigger�etcetera etc etera

 you can go buckfuck nutty in a publik loo, like rip shit off the wall and throw wet paper towels on the ceiling � all that fun stuff you koodn�t do in your own bathroom becuz that�s fucking barbaric, holy shit but it�s ok to do in a publik washroom. You can be a big primitive asshole with no respect for public property whatsoever and you like that.

 if there is no lock on your stall then you lift your right leg and press it up against the door. This is good excersize for your ass muscles as well. Perhaps you could close your eyes, lean back and say a mantra and then you don�t have to think about the fact that you are in a filthy place sitting on a germ-loaded seat.

 don�t hang your bag on the hook,or put it on the floor or behind you in the stall becuz some mutherfucka can easily grab it and you would be too busy shitting to get up and chase after the jerk. If u can, put it on your lap or some stalls have that little fold down metal shelf thing, use that. Ps- that metal shelf thing is a great surface to snort a line from. So I heard.

 If you don�t like other people being able to hear you poo or pee then turn on the hand dryer before you go in, make a lot of loud coughing noises, flush the toilet repetitively and/or keep unravelling the toilet paper from the roll and jiggling around with it. Make small talk with a friend who is waiting and if you make a fart noise, blame it on somebody else who was in the bathroom as well once that person leaves.

 If you are a germaphobe and don�t want to touch the doorknob on your way out after you just washed your hands, make sure you are a few steps behind whoever you are with and stall a bit so they�re the one who has to open the door � then you can sneak thru easily without having to touch a thing. If no one is with you then you could try to jam your foot up in the handle and do some fancy foot jerks to try and pull the door open. If that fails you could wait for someone new to enter the restroom but that is like obsessive so why don�t you just put your hand in your shirt sleeve and pull the friggin door open you wimp. If the door is pushable rather than pull, then you don�t have to worry. Put your shoulder into it or kick the door open.

 If there is pee on the seat then you kood get a huge wad of t.p. and wipe it down yourself and then lie four squares of toilet paper on each side where your ass would perch when u sit down. Another common remedy is to squat like a dog. It might take awhile but eventually you�ll master this fine art.

 If you take a messy dump and your asshole is sore and it�s gunna be hard to do a proper wipe job, spit onto your wad of toilet paper kuz that�ll surely help some.

 What to do if u take a big crap and the toilet won�t flush afterward and there�s a big line to use your stall? You could make a huge wad of toilet paper and place it nicely over your pooh. If it is a nice skinny piece of poop then you could try scooping it up with an empty roll of toilet paper and throwing it in the stall�s garbage or hiding it behind the toilet on the floor. Your last hope is to say to the next person in line that the crap is not yours, �It was there from the start.� Then you walk away very fast.

 If there is a massive pooh or bloody mess (from a chick�s rag) in the toilet bowl don�t be one of those wusses and not use that stall. The shit is not going to friggin� jump up at your butt once you sit down for cryin� out loud. Add to it and make a masterpiece. Of course there is always the possibility of splashback and the shit could fly up at your butt if something heavy drops outta your ass. In this case, we squat like a dog.

 If you are one of those gross people who don�t bother washing your hands after you�re done but you don�t want others to know it, turn on the tap and make like you are washing anyway. Then grab a papertowel, pretend to dry and then throw it out. Easy as pie you gross, I-don�t-have-time-to-wash-and-dry-my-hands weirdo.

 Apparently it is a rule to never ever talk when u are using a men�s urinal and/or look at another dudes weiner. You are allowed to talk when you finish and wash up but in scarey homophobe towns it best you keep mum and eyes on your own package. Aim for the minty urinal tab and you score points. Because urinals are too close to one another, if you come across three in a row then you should use one of the outside ones. Less possibility of accidentally looking at another dink this way.

 Crapping in gas station toilets no. Pub toilets yes. Fast food joints are a good bet cuz they�re cleaned on a regular basis.

 If some random weirdo tries to use your hand dryer tell �em you are obsessive compulsive and it sets you back ten minutes by them trying to fuck with your rythym. That or you have contagious hand cancer and finger warts then start moaning and make hee-haw noises.

 A really good prank to pull on someone in a public washroom is to mash up a chocolate bar in your hand (think Oh Henry or snickers) then put that hand under the stall door you are in and ask if someone could get you some toilet paper. Hee hee.

yesterday involved far too much alcohol. day before that s’well but i won’t get into it. went to coney island and drank drank drank. smeared cotton candy all over my face and then waited in line for the lavatory for 45 minutes. i thought my bladder was going to rupture. went to great lakes bar somewhere and got bored after 5 minutes then went to this partay on clinton street where we dance like tardbags cuz we knew nobuddy there and figgered we’d never see ‘em agen. once i broke out with the jazz routines and my frendz with the robot, it was time to go. again more and more beer and cigarettes. unnnghhhh. i slapped this girl’s ass, she turned around and thought it was my friend and gave him a nasty look. bwahahaa. found a spare tire and kicked it throught the streets of scarey town.

falling down the stairs sucks. falling down the stairs in front of ten people sucks more. though, when it hurts real bad it’s ok kuz then you are in too much pain to be embarassed. that’s what it’s like with/for me. my blunders are major catastrophies so i black-out and then bystanders feel embarassed for me.

i’d say my worst fuck-up was when i was like 8 and practising my dance routine in this pub with my friend sarah, i swung my arm around and it connected with this waitress’ overstacked tray and WHAMMO

shit flew everywhere, glass smashing against walls, ketchup, beer, meat, plates EVERYWHERE. my arms were frozen mid-air, i was in utter shock and my mum ran over screaming if i was ok, had i been cut, am i retarded…..the waitress kept walking back to the kitchen, cursing and hollering the whole way. i wanted to die.

the end

this chinky dude called me chunky the other day so i dumped my extra large cup of coke on his head andthe ice went down the back of his shirt.

today is like the goddamn day without people. no one around the apartment, no email really, nothing. i’ve smeared cucumber goo facial crap on my face and am slowly picking it off. i am not really lonely. i actually do enjoy solitude, quite a bit. i think in the back of my mind i don’t want my housemates thinking i am a lazy git who talks to houseplants. my only real responsibility is to put a postcard in a mailbox and buy more cigarettes and maybe some juice and chips. i’m listening to lamb think i mite read 1984. i’m wearing my bathing suit right now cause i just came down from the roof. i’m glad the hoodlum kids have stopped setting off fireworks every ten minutes out front. it is the day after the 4th o’july so i think that has something to do with the disappearance of human beings. maybe i should buy a package of sea monkeys.

i kicked over a huge bucket of this kid’s chalk yesterday. i think she was retarded cuz her mum told her to help me pick it all up and the kid would just point to every piece of chalk and say, “There’s one. There’s anutha one. i am helping you pick up chalk.” and then she started clapping and jumping up and down. not my fault the fucking thing was sitting in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk.

It’s better to fuck old men becuz

when you fart your younger boyfriend will fart right back on you but the older guy is all Oooooooooh that’s cute.

you don’t have to worry about how dumpy your ass is cause their ass is bound to drop way before yours will

you have to count your dollars along with a young fella but the older dude is like, “Sure, you can spend one hundred dollars on lip balm. i don’t care.”

with age, their sexual appetite turns to kink which can be fun if yer a spazz and want to jump all over the place and they just sit there and are all wow.

otherwise, with age they’re all lazy and pleased with any half-assed pass you make which is a good thing if they’re real old and gross looking and then you can spend the rest of the time lying there naked and drunk and talk about candy.

you can convince them that their clothes suck and get them to wear something an eighteen year old would and you get them saying chill, shut up bitch and wha’gwan.

it’s funny when they get super-possessive over you and try to map out your future and give you helpful tips that would only come in handy 25 years ago. you automatically have the upper-hand and the fact that all their friendz are super-jellus of his hot little number boosts the guy’s ego which you benefit from, yet again.

you can trod around the place wearing out-dated, ugly clothes because they don’t know the difference between what’s cool and what’s not.

they sometimes fuck you like yer a virgin and assume they’re your third lay. hahaaaahahahhahhaaaaa

they always come back for more………