ooh guess what there’s a blogwar going on about me right now that i had no idea about apparently i am a skank and i have acorn tits. fwahaha.

here is an email informing me of the matter:

HOLY FUCK! This blog competition is stressful and I’m not even partaking in it, aside from voting for you. I have accidently started a blog war in one of your competitors comment section all because I said you weren’t a skank and that you were deserving of your votes. I suppose I didn’t really start it since they are the ones who turned around and questioned my intelligence thus angering me.

Some lady, I’ll attach her picture, said you post pictures of your acorn looking nipples. I always wondered what acorn nipples would look like so thank you Raymi for apparently having them and posting pictures of them. Truth be told, I really didn’t think there was such a thing as acorn nipples. But the crazy thing is that this girl has a muffin top stomach and thunder thighs, again things that I didn’t really think existed! So I must thank her for showing me those, okay maybe not because it wasn’t too appealing.

Apparently because you are different from the blog they love you should not be allowed in the diarist competition…one of the commenters has a little banner thing saying she’s open-minded. This open-mindedness stops though when it comes to bloggers who don’t hold onto grammar like it is the only thing that can really distinguish their blog and persona.

Gays can marry but that blogger Raymi cannot be part of any competition because she doesn’t use proper grammar on the internet.

Although I must say that I did cause someone to put up a post about how to debate ( http://www.thewebpen.net/blog/2006/12/how-to-debate.html), because I apparently can’t which I wasn’t really doing anyhow (isn’t defending someone and debating something two different things?). And someone posted the following which is awesome because it finally calls them on their douchebaggery.

“I went and read the comments over at HDW’s and it was all too familiar. It was HDW’s regulars who started the name calling with “skank” and other general ribbing that was less than fun. If somebody were doing that to me, I’d be proud of my friends for sticking up for me, whether I asked them to or not, and whether I was winning or not. It’s like a gang over at HDW’s and this is one of several reasons I stopped reading Apple Martini. This little episode pretty much solidified my feelings (and would solidify my vote if I ever bothered). It seems to me as if you just jumped on the bandwagon without having given Raymi’s blog a chance.

Raymi writes a really good blog. She also shows her tits. Big fucking deal. Seriously Howard, spend a month reading her blog get to know her style and who she is a little bit. I’m not a big fan of hers but I read several blogs that rave about her. And if your trying to say she’s winning cause she shows her boobs, that’s a bunch of bullshit. There is no shortage of boobs on the internet everybody has easy access to however many pictures of boobs they want. And many of them are better than Raymi’s (I’m willing to bet HDW’s are). 700+ people don’t visit Raymi’s site just cause they want to see boobs. Come on!
And as far as you grammar snobs go: You sound like a bunch of people that have such low esteem that your trying to ride high with gramatical shibboleths”

Anyhow, excuse the longness of the email I hope you don’t mind that my intention was to defend you (even though I’m sure you don’t need it…) and not to cause drama and attach it to your name/blog.

HERE’S THE COMMENT THREAD. green apple martini‘s handle is HOTDRWIFE. sorry, anyone who has to define themselves via marriage is sad. “MY LIFE ON WISTERIA LANE.”

enough said.

raymi-

i wanted to let you know, i really like what you’re doing with your blog. Because its so unBlog. I’m pretty sick of the kind of spirit of seriousness that encases a lot of the blog writing on the web. The bloggers that envision themselves as sophisticated internet pundits, disseminating unique enlightenment to the general scene. i don’t think that blogging should be about dictation, and the exposition of objective value. What you’ve achieved with your space, i think, is a feeling of conversation instead. Rather than saying “here is value x; now observe my wit in unearthing it and elucidating it to you”, you’re creating your own values through creative exercise. Very post-structuralist of you. i think a lot of this has to do with the way in which you write. Many of the traditional blogs are still very modernist in conception – the writer’s identity is skewed, and the feel of the writing is very much like that of a topical magazine; with a kind of absurdly sacred respect for both the rules and the elegance of language. Your writing has a much more depressurized feel to it, and i think this creates a more authentic encounter. So, way to go with the whole thing.

o.k,

riley

DEAR: PARADISE FRESH COLGATE FLAVOURED TOOTHPASTE

YOU TASTE LIKE SOAP DETERGENT

THE COLOUR PURPLE

THAT PURPLE GUM THAT ALSO TASTES LIKE SOAP DETERGENT AND THE COLOUR PURPLE

I BOUGHT YOU BECAUSE I HAD TO KNOW WHAT PARADISE FRESH TASTED LIKE EXACTY AND I FELT THAT IF I DEMANDED THE KID AT SOBEY’S TO TELL ME HE PROBABLY WOULDN’T HAVE KNOWN AND THEN I WOULD HAVE TO COMPLAIN TO HIS MANAGER AND THEN HE WOULD GET FIRED AND THEN I WOULD FEEL MEAN

IF YOU GIVE ME 1000 DOLLARS I WILL EAT AN ENTIRE TUBE OF YOU

PS DON’T EVER ASK ANYONE IN ANY STORE EVER IF THEY SELL BRANDY CANDIES (WASN’T BUYING THEM FOR MYSELF) KIDS YOUNGER THAN YOU COP AN ATTITUDE AND THEN YOU FEEL LIKE A HUGE ALCOHOLIC, ESL OLD GUYS PRETEND NOT TO SPEAK ENGLISH ALSO MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE A HUGE ALCOHOLIC.

YOUR PAL, RAYMI

double ps here i am as an emoticon

i am crying screaming WHAT and my hair is swooped.

SASSAFRAZ IS BURNING!


SASSAFRAZ BURNIN’ VIDEO

i sneaked my way in these cops were like um no you can’t go this way and i was like um i have to go get my car from budget and they said no try again in two hours so then i walked thru the fancy hotel front door area through the courtyard oh hello there’s budget. suckers. as i was leaving the scene i took a corner to go to bloor i overheard some guy scream into his fone WHAT THE ROOF COLLAPSED?!!

where will the yuppies sit tonite whilst trying to look important and where will the celebrities go from now on? whatever.

when i first showed up it looked like they could save the place though it was still burning and by now if the roof has collapsed well, say o nara!

*update yes the roof collapsed the entire thing is destroyed but they’re saying they might be able to save the structure. feh.

-connie chung

ps i bet it set on fire cos my blog title today is PAT BURNS no wait pat burns started it not only am i a reporter but a scientific researcher AND detective too!

(psst pss pss don’t forget to vote for me).

VOTE TODAY VOTE VOTE VOTE OBSESSIVELY FOR ME AGAIN ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH!!

the polls close friday maybe even saturday, they don’t tell us cos i dunno it’s spookier that way?

thanks krista for the badge.

IF I WIN I WILL GET PLASTIC SURGERY SPECIFICALLY LIPOSUCTION AND I WILL GET A FAKE TAN TATTOOED ALL OVER MY BODY AND I WILL GET HAIR EXTENSIONS DOWN TO MY ASS AND I WILL CARRY A LITTLE DOG AROUND WITH ME AT ALL TIMES BECAUSE I LOVE YOU GUYS THAT MUCH.

RATPONY DID IT!

JARED DID IT!

CBC RADIO 3 DID IT!

KRISTA DID IT!

EMILY DID IT!

PAULY DID IT!

CANDICE DID IT!

FENNY DID IT!

DIANA DID IT!

BINSK DID IT!

KATFRAN DID IT!

HEDY DE VINE DID IT!

TARLEY DID IT!

AKA-K DID IT!

POOPEE DID IT!

IAN DID IT!

AIMOO DID IT HERRO!

CARRIE DID IT!

SARAH DID IT!

WENDY DID IT!

BOSTICK DID IT!


hallucii

i have figured out a new way to make myself crap if i am constipated or on a no-crapping streak. all i have to do is THINK about having to call someone on the fone and my bowels loosen way faster than after a cigarette or a coffee. i was about to call this one bar/resto to reserve some tables for fil’s birthday thing this saturday (his birthday is actually sunday if you are cool and want to come to the saturday thing email me and i will invite you too) anyway i pictured myself getting up, going to the bedroom to get my fone and then talking to a stranger and i immediately DOVE to the toilet. NICE.

i like sharing.


dooooooooooooooooood

oh i just remembered another thing people say that makes me want to set them on fire:

when they do their yearbook grad write-ups and their first line typically is WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?

and then you go through the other write-ups and they ALL begin like that!? fuckers, try SAYING something and then you will KNOW WHAT YOU CAN SAY!

stop trying to be all grandiose and mysterious you are a fucking loser who i don’t even know and i am only reading your dumb blurb cos you went to my cousin’s school who are you? no one. why are you being all dramatic like high school was this huge planet in outerspace that you conquered finally DUDE all you did was go to school and to classes and ate french fries in the cafeteria and wrote bad poetry about your acne fuck off already.

this is you

WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?

and this is me

WHAT OF YOURS CAN I STEAL AND BURN?

this is you

WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?

and this is me

SAY TO ME FIVE REASONS WHY I SHOULDN’T PUNCH YOUR VOCAL CHORDS OUT SO THAT IN THE FUTURE WHEN YOU FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS YOU CAN SAY YOU WILL HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO THAT COS I DID NOT PUNCH OUT YOUR VOCAL CHORDS COS YOU TOLD ME FIVE REASONS WHY I SHOULDN’T.

this is you

WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?

and this is me

DUDE I DON’T EVEN CARE YOUR FACE IS FAT

and then you read on and see all these initials of people that are their friends GB HR SJ TR BB FY (totally jokes guy) GG (nice pants!) KL FH and so on

ungh is this the davinci code and i am tom hanks? am i suppose to care that you shouted out 5 people am i suppose to go through the entire yearbook and match up the initials and see if they left some secret message to you HEY THANKS COS I HAD LIKE 3 HOURS THAT I TOTALLY WANTED TO BLOW BUT NO IDEA WHAT TO DO THANKS BRIAN GARRISON THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!111

1. i don’t even know you so my caring what you have to say is probably 3%

2. and now you are making me WAIT to read what you have to say the fucking nerve

ALSO you know what i had to say in my yearbook?

NOTHING. i didn’t have my picture taken i didn’t write shit i didn’t buy it either. though there is some slutty goth hate poetry that was published in it of mine cos some yearbook nerds were in my classes and obviously my writing talents are supreme. thinking back on it now if i could travel back in time to write something i would say that one of the teachers in our school is a dyke and will do something innapropriate with a female student and get fired. nah. i dunno. what do you think i would write?

some of the good ones are when the total outcasts write that they will be someone some day and that everyone will be sorry AHAHAAhahahahaa. i’d probably write something like that.

oh yeah at prom i won an award for funniest person which basically is saying you blew every chance you had at achieving excellency in maths and sciences and english Buuuut we did enjoy the laughs.

THANKS GUYS!


Charlie Brown xmas alternate ending