XMAS PRESENT Yo Raymi my ex bf has a mega crush on you for part of my xmas present to him I would love it if u could email him to holler and throw some prraaaps. He’d probably blow his load. his names Andy, his email is ************** If u could do this that would be rad! Pce Laura
hi andy someone told me to merry xmas you so i am writing hello it’s good timing cos i am in the middle of an emo moment right now and i have zero friends but yet i am ruler of the internet sigh ok i have friends but they are all too busy for me tonite right now i am eating a single serving thai kitchen noodle soup thing i only eat once a day anyway it will likely not be enough base for all the booze i plan to drink tonite fil is going to a leafs game i gave up my ticket a month ago to him in order to get him to stay out an extra hour with me in hindsight it was not worth it cos he complained the whole time and buzzkilled me by pointing out the time every four minutes so after my soup i will play guitar hero 2 then blowdry my hair and put on make-up fix myself a vodka coke play more guitar hero then go buy some wine or go to a nothing bar and drunk text my friends very glamorous
this is the longest email i have written in a long time you should sell it on ebay
Sabrina: haha that warms my heart when we take the new one i will send it to you my mom will have to take like 4 so that we all look human
me: haha did we have the conversation yet where i accuse your sister of actually being your daughter?
Sabrina: no we can have that because she is totally my MINI
me: ok well is she
Sabrina: nope
me: liar
Sabrina: hahaha
me: ok fine but you are brainwashing her into being you
Sabrina: it is sort of cool to have her as my sister cause it makes me realize i actually like and want kids because she is super close to being mine i totally am
me: and yer mom doesnt care?
Sabrina: we are all sort of fucking weird we just give her the option of testing shit out to be who she wants to be and when she is a shit–we put her back into line we call her Jenny when she is fucking rotten and call that her alter ego and she gets mad and then we make her read and she is like NOOOOO
me: hahahahhaa
Sabrina: so then we tell her we are going to write shitty stories about how she smells or something so she tries to hurry up and write one about how we are disgusting or something and she will be like HOW DO YOU SPELL VOMIT?
me: hahahha do u tell her that u will write it on the internet u guys are mean
Sabrina: then she will draw a picture that looks remarkably like a picasso and you are suppose to be insulted
me: im going to use that on my mom
Sabrina: hahaha
me: except it wont work
Sabrina: if i want to fuck my mom’s day up all i tell her is that she is being a bitch because she is jealous as hell that we all look like her 25 years ago but i don’t do that anymore because i do not want her to hang herself but i did he when i was like 15 because i am a shitty ass, manipulative person
me: ok fils stepdad tod super cool guy welsh etc his daughter goes to vancouver moves there 5 months ago or something we havent seen her in a year anyway im also wasted everytime we are at family dinner sundays everyone is on red wine and lots of it so he tells this story of how he goes to visit her and as the boat is taking him over to vancouver island he gets up on the front of it titanic styles and hanna sees him coming and busts up crying omg im crying right now anyway i told that story to my friend lise a month ago and busted up crying like tears FLEW out of my eyes horizontally
merkley???: you love that story
me: and then last nite i told the story to tod about me telling his story to my friend and then i exploded into tears again
merkley???: wow emo
me: and then fils sister and bf are like why is she crying they thought it was something serious and so i explained why i was crying and then i STARTED CRYING AGAIN like ugly cry i think it was hangover booze emotions
merkley???: wow
me: anyway i am never ever ever telling that story ever fucking again
merkley???: yeah and you are looping too
me: it is the equivalent of oprah and starving children and aids and puppies
merkley???: the fact that you have cried before makes it more
me: makes it more sad? i get way too involved in other peoples emotions
merkley???: no just easier to cry again
me: right well it’s the mental imagery of the story and the bond between hanna and tod oh god im misting up so fucking gay
merkley???: ha i’m from a family of cryers so it’s nothing new
me: well if i ever become an actress and i need to cry i can just think of that story
merkley???:exactly
me: i get embarrassed sometimes
merkley???: which compounds it
me: exactly
merkley???: i could make my sister cry just by mentioning that she cries easily
i am soliciting girls for girl nite tonite dear everyone i have two friends one is fil and the other is lise and they are both busy tonite so if you want to do something with me call or write.
that’s my best diarist button because I AM THE BEST.
ahem.
last nite we saw blood diamond it is very intense to say the least. i recommend. it takes place in ’94 and there is one tiny discrepancy i found and of course i wanted to point it out to fil but he big time SHUSHED me so anyway here it is, there’s a scene when leonardo sees jennifer connolly for the first time and they’re chatting, he figures out she is a journalist and tells her to piss off (his performance is phenomenal btw) anyway he walks off and she follows and then you see the skirt she is wearing and it’s one of those DIY denim knee-length numbers, you know, get a pair of jeans and cut the inner-seam and then sew all that nonsense back together in the form of a skirt?
yeah she was wearing one of them things BUT as far as i know those skirts did not come into being, into vogue until 2001ish and even then that’s being generous i didn’t get my hands on one til 2002 and correct me if i am wrong but i think i would’ve known if those skirts existed in 1994 cos i surely would’ve made myself one.
this blog is extremely important and informative, ‘spect!
blood diamond is amazing go see it and put your hands over your ears when it is over and run out so you don’t have to hear the song about diamonds that douche kanye sings.
DEAR EVERYONE FIL JUST SUCCESSFULLY RETURNED THE BBQ AND ALL THAT OTHER JUNK WHILE I SAT IN THE CAR WRINGING MY RISTS AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I JUST WON 180 DOLLARS AND THEY DIDN’T EVEN DICK HIM OVER RE: THE NON-RECEIPT OF THE LIGHTER FLUID I AM GOING TO CELEBRATE AND BUY US MOVIE TICKETS AND PAY FOR DINNER I FEEL LIKE 180 DOLLARS THAT WILL NEVER RUN OUT OR THAT 20 DOLLARS BART AND MILLHOUSE FIND AND THEY EAT CANDY ALL DAY LONG BYE.
me: and i bartered into getting a 10% discount everything came out to be 180$ and then i had to get him to come pick me up cos i couldnt carry it
merkley???: plus steaks
me: no steaks so this dude helped me put it in the backseat this was saturday and so fil doesnt look back at it or anything and then hes kinda guessing and then figures it out once i drop major hints
merkley???: shhesh get control
me: then he says oh we arent allowed to have charcoal bbqs, cos of by-laws
me: !!
merkley???: oh
me: and so i cried like a baby all the way home in the car and up the stairs and now we have to return everything and i am embarrassed and want to die
merkley???: and i’m watching curb your enthusiasm right now and i feel like larry david
me: anyway i dont ever want to shop at that store again cos i was kinda being lippy to one dude
merkley???: awe
me: who was being all know it all meanwhile i knew everything he was saying so i said to fil i am not returning it with him but i have to cos i have to help carry the charcoal and the utensils and the lighter fluid so when fil walks in with it i am going to dump everything on the counter and then run away
merkley???: that ha ha
me: and then avoid that entire block for the rest of my life i should have just bought him a fucking rocket
merkley???: oops
me: so this entire day i have been scared and anxious and depressed because of that bbq so i just wanted to say THANK YOU MERKLEY FOR CONVINCING ME TO GET FIL A BBQ
merkley???: it was your idea i just supported you
me: yes but you talked me into it you tricked me ps you are not larry david so dont tell me to get control
**UPDATE**
me: ooooh i just relaised that i dont have to go in to help fil return i have to just watch the car yay
merkley???: nice
me: ha the thing i am worried about tho u will appreciate this insignif thing seeing as u are a larry david fan now i did not receive a 10% discount on the liter fluid i purchased it separately as an after-thought and i also cockily chucked out the receipt for it
merkley???: and they will dick you on it
me: so i paid full price 4.55 well provided they even let him return it
merkley???: so gay about the bylaws
me: they will prolly give him a store-credit now cos i am being a pussy about not returning it with him i will not be able to argue about four dollars and fifty five cents which i am bummed about cos it’s the principle
merkley???: very larry david for sure
me: i hope he gets the same guy who was there who cashed me out i think he was chinese are chinese people notorious for their memories?
merkley???: nope just slanty eyes
me: omg merkley i am going to have to edit that out
merkley???: no way its funny
me: well my part was funny you just jerked it up
merkley???: unless you actually hate asians which i suspect you might you didnt even ha hahaha you are blameless its all on me
me: i have a massive asian obsession actually
merkley???: well they are fantastic drivers
me: also when i was there impulsively buying up the world to which they probably think i am a lunatic i was bragging about working at a hardware store, same company, diff location, for five years well i politely mentioned it once
did i ever blog about the time i rode an ambulance to the hospital with my two roommates during the norwalk virus outbreak in toronto and i was still high from ecstasy the nite before and so i had to sit in the emergency room for multiple hours on no sleep and sketchy and she was on a gurney moaning and yelling in pain and people kept coming in with blood all over them and screaming and then two days later i got the norwalk virus and then lucas got it too?
i don’t know how i was able to do all that ER waiting without puking.
then i got everyone at work sick with it too.
TORONTO RULES!
fil doesn’t believe me that any of this ever happened and everytime we talk about it i lose my fucking mind he thinks that somehow i got some *other* flu virus that must have also been sweeping the city at the time.
sure fil, you’re right cos YOU were there and i imagined all of it. you can even go into my archives and read about it.
anyway that was some scary painful shit it was like please i want to die. nurses and doctors were prescribing tylenol 3s like mad.
this article just reminded me that i am never shaking hands with anyone ever again.
