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omg i am a frigging lunatic right now.

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i am shoveling slaw into my face at lightning speed. i have a caffeine withdrawal headache, i keep fantasizing about swimming in malbec and dark chocolate and the long stretch of fourteen days ahead of me is freaking me out.

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looking through my pictures of food is also killing me.

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why am i torturing myself like this?

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but then i looked at chunky monkey pics and was set straight.

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hang on i have to write a shopping list cos the one i wrote out prior was all schizophrenic chicken scratch. “you told me what NOT to get!”

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the very last baddish thing i ate (just the cheese really). the teacher is spoiled. he’s not drinking out of solidarity. we’ll see how long that lasts. meeting his folks sunday. he is shocked i’ll be doing it without a drink. oh boy.

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crabby bitch zombie me. brennen was like no wonder you’re so zen (very quiet). everyone was buzzing around with their coffees. one dresser there was also on a cleanse, asked me about my weekend plans. i was like there ARE NONE i am on a cleanse and she goes ME TOO then we immediately commiserated over mutual hells. she’s going to break hers tomorrow for a bday party.

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just sent teacher out for metro psycho supplies. i am a peach. sure am.

look at the lovely thing michael sent me!

Carole & I wish to convey to you our appreciation for your visit here. You are a very special person. Your ability to absorb information is astounding. We were thrilled to view your day at CCC.

Michael

This is the sweetest most thoughtful thank you note ever and could not have come at a more welcome time thank you so much and looking forward to seeing you both v soon xxooxo

Ps so totally blogging it

Also no one before has been able to so succinctly put into words the disconnect between how I am in the real world vs blog so thanks again michael truly

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slightly overwhelmed by all this but totally digging it too. i’ve just begun!

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last night’s send off haha. mom that’s your slip. i’ve misplaced the bottoms to that shirt (lingerie top half). i was going to get rid of it but now it’s back in the rotay, i suppose, for now.

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hahaha this one’s funny to me.

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i am dying for a coffee right now. but no! no! i won’t. i am a needy person (hugely) so i’m augmenting my mentality asap. i do not NEED a coffee. i don’t need to reach for something at every juncture and stuff it in my face, drink it, smoke it, consume it. the buck stops now.

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i need a kettle how am i going to do this? so he goes and gets me one (well the house needed it too) and flowers.

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i’ll tell you all about these in a bit.

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at jeanette’s, my cleanse coach’s yesterday. getting a run-down demo on what i will be embarking on.

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i had sunflower greens (amazing) and beauty tea, as well as schizandra berry tea which i am chugging right now. it’s one of the top 3 superfoods out there.

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the dirt on the mirror looks like a marilyn monroe beauty mark ha.

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in rush hour traffic on way to east end. o_0 i realized 30000 times i wanted a coffee or something, i fixated on it. that’s bullshit. i was completely content i needn’t nothing is what was up. i must become of stronger mind and will, i am not a pussy or a quitter either. this is going to be the most intense thing i ever do. it’s sinking in that i have to do this for 2 weeks but i at least get to eat. i’m paro of the hippie movement formula though. it’s aligning with my cycle (pms) so i have those blues that i can’t drown in red wine cos of the cleanse so i have to battle everything on at once, as well as booze withdrawal and all the amazing foods that i love. comfort/stress-eating. gaah. i can do this. i have to do this. being a guinea pig is kinda my jam no?

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purple day. colour of royalty, not this tone though.

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i don’t sight see enough in my own town.

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woah crazy town usa. stoked to get my roots done in a little bit. it’s that time again. gwen stefani perfection time.

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always a fashion show.

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i look like a blob in britt’s crochet dress. teach loved it.

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i’ve been dining like it’s the last night of my cleanse for three days straight now and am a fluctuating heffer for it.

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and right now i am totally bloated on tea and water.

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wonder when the DTs hit.

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sloth life. ‘spect.

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jeez man so much backlog and overtime who even knows where to begin catching up from. most importantly, who cares! vive le slackerdom. actually no, i have earned my slackerlike-ways.

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casie was running by the park on her way to do an errand i screamed out to her.

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and here she is telling me about her five thousand things she’s doing for blog work or whatever i’m just like ahh yeah cool? i tire of the same blog client gig job whatever the fuck talk ok?

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see how annoyed my body language is hahaha.

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listening? i dunno. we hadn’t seen each other in awhile, there’s everything and nothing to catch up on. i was in the middle of four actual jobs at the moment but i didn’t really get or have a moment to say anything about it. i think our alleged blog elephant in the room competition pressure (annoyance) is getting to me. i hustle my ass off the last thing i want to do is talk about how annoyed i am by that. i want to be a lazy sloth up in a tropical tree. i am over blogging. i want to shelve a bunch of jobs one after the other and take a long ass break. i know how much work is required of me in order for this to happen and so i am going one part psycho stressed out can’t even speak sensibly and one part charlie sheen. the next asshole who tries to tell me that blogging isn’t work is going to get a fork in the forehead.

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and here we have why i bother to make slags regarding casie and i’s friendship. look how genuine and meaningful i am when i first lay eyes on her. that shit is real life yo.

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before that all smiles too. see what a bit of vitamin d’ll do to ya?

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me and johnny rockstar one half of Live Better Local.

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amazing posture and skinny day for me much?

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one reason why lbl exists is cos this guy, an independent business owner himself, was fed up with, i dunno, nonline presence? (haha i just made that up i am smart) so he wanted to design a virtual marketplace, so, he did.

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this was after my tealish and my grilled cheese. mmm i am starving. day one of cleanse is today eh. going to see my cleanse guru after this.

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i was like do these pigeons have enough cookies you think? a manic dude came back to feed them more, could tell it was his daily OCD “thing”. sketchwoods park.

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we ruined this guy’s zen bench moment. will talks loud. i didn’t ruin anything.

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what is this singles?

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ok snorington park. lets look at my hair.

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GROW mother–r!

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there’s an odd little crimp to it.

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now this shot is just weird. where am i???

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oh hi there it’s country chic domesticity time.

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and cocktail entertaining courtney time.

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sent her home with some to-go tracey fashion pieces too hahaha.

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what am i hiding and from? EVERYTHING.

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oh how i have missed my beloved entertaining.

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today i took stella on a long walk and had a totally yuppie conversation with a girl in the townhouse naybe and we both lamented our past annex dwellings. she’s like how old is your dog i am like uh i have no idea it’s my boyfriend’s i think 12? and i don’t know what it is either, i think border collie something? she’s pretty skinny too eh. no matter that girl’s dog was the ugliest most pompous ridiculous looking thing i have ever seen. it’s a naked dog with weird hair and it was wearing a blue vest, totally gay. hilarious. stella fell in love too, they might start dating who knows.

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i don’t know what to say when i post pictures of him. TA DA! ? haha.

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i said he could bring these to his students. he’s like, they’re highschoolers. oh. one day they will regress. everybody does.

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i think i am going to go to snakes and lattes at some point this week as i go through booze withdrawal. that’ll be some intense game of risk eh.

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terrifying even.

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these were delicious drinks. i want to perfect them with as little sugar as possible and as much flavour.

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i look like a bitch here. that’s because i am.

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no i’m not i’m a nice girl.

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you wouldn’t believe the amount of gorging i did the last 2 days. i told andrew my trainer today and he was like o_0 ! yeah. big mac. sweet lulu. two separate stir fries (that i made). cadbury chocolate creme cakes that i made teacher drive to metro at like 11pm while i laid on the couch. i was like TOMORROW I HAVE TO START A CLEANSE PLEEEEEEEASE. it was easy. he wanted one too. we shouldn’t have put the box down at metro but we were pretending to be statues cos i saw someone i recognized and we didn’t want to be noticed (have to talk to them) and then i came to my senses and slammed the box down. we had the bag of easter chocolates in our basket anyway. i blame carole for all of this. the big mac i can explain though, i thought i was going to sound academy monday night. i am making big macs a sound academy tradition now. just listen to me alright this is all perfectly fine for me because i have a triple six-pack now haha. i ended up NOT going to sound academy, but still had a big mac anyway.

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food talk got boring sorry sorry. it is just taking a lot of will power right now not to get up and walk over to the cadbury creme egg CAKES box. they were somewhat of a reward because i had a procedure yesterday. i had my iud taken out FINALLY so i wasn’t feeling so hot. it’s been a source of stress and anxiety for me the last little while to be honest. anyway now it’s gone and i am allowing my body to just be free.

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she’s drinking pop. i laughed and said oh great now here we go with the comments.

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made my signature goat cheese basil on hot calabrese roll things. i forgot the tomato. oh well, the time saved was needed.

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this bag was inhaled over the course of the weekend. no problemo. incorporated some into a cocktail or two. shaked the hell out of them the chocolate will dissolve, goes nicely with coconut juice. the froth. mmm.

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my slaw-egg-fry.

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with prosciutto. teacher isn’t really a fan of prosciutto, i am learning his tastes and distastes and compromising. tres housewifey.

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make sure you fry that slaw or whatever is in the pan into total dryness if you can manage if you don’t want gross sog to come of it. think that thai grill place in the mall.

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you still want egg fluff. i have learned to not fuck with the eggs too much just be patient and let them be. normally i’m so salmonella paro i’ll chop them up into nothing as they cook and then it’s just like, not even food, just pointless dried up egg. loosely scramble that shit.

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plate it on spinach with 28 year old balsamic, fry/heat some tomato slices, shave parmesan on top. no biggie.

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have to put my eyes on now outta time miss you already!

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no wait theres more did i blog these yet?

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friday night in lib ville.

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not bad.

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i have no recollection of posting these it’s been somewhat of an insane groundhog day/week/life. i’m gonna go with haven’t.

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seduction saturday morning go get me a starbucks. i was spoiled this day too though there was a method behind it. go or we will strangle each other if we don’t have at least 20 minutes apart.

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gave me an opportunity to clean up the crap from the night before and make myself look pretty to warrant such iron fist governance.

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like so.

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bit of work out.

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saturday any and everything goes time. note how our morning began late afternoon.

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it was a good and skinny day. a day for making dance videos.

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i cooked us this at midnight saturday night.

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i broiled whole wheat pita with shaved parmesan. we had no recollection of this.

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it snowed at one point also.

ok bye for real now.

fav vid yet and best maaaybe.

this one took place during a semi-black out (for the both of us). ha shush.

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remember how it was my birthday last month?

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remember those food pr0n-worthy cakes?

well, they came by way of carole’s cheesecake company CCC! quick back story on that, carole is legendary. she brought carrot cake to the city, like started that, baking in her basement by hobby (her husband michael was an architect and ballin’ so she needn’t worry about work, those were the times then too right, she also had kids to home-make and the like) and then BOOM supplied all the restaurants with fresh/frozen cakes/desserts, which was unheard of. remember just desserts? yep, that’s her too. eighteen locations of them. celeb’s have come to her cafe for years. there’s pics of all them in the foyer i’ll show you in a bit. movers/shakers galore also dine here, place is people watch city. enter raymbo…

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a customer and i. she’s all ooh you’re modeling? get a load of my dopey outfit.

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total nana place, no? i got to sit at the family table. michael made sure to inform me of that.

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how much do we love this mug?

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i kept thinking this fabulous candelabra was actually lit from the light’s beam. who cares, who’s the diva ov’yonder?

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hi it’s me again. this is bringing home to mother outfit bait. the teacher has requested my hair down next sunday. oh yeppa i’m meetin’ the folks who apparently are the complete opposite of my familia haha. that’s fine i made do five years with my ex’s “better”er lot. even up to the time when i called his dad a &^$#&^ to his face one wasted off $400 bottles of whatever evening. he was a type-a and kind of respected me a little more afterward.

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back to cakes. guess what i had. i starved two days in a row prior to this. it was very marie antoinette of me to do so, cake in the afternoon in summerhill? l’chaim!

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michael does me my americano misto, such love and attention. you don’t come here if you’re in a hurry. definite day of leisure for you.

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it was another glorious sunny afternoon and the cafe was packed, we came after the rush, were late of course, so we missed carole’s son, jetting back to hollywood. no biggie. cough. four golds at cannes last year. cough cough. heh.

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oh my god lets go already move it mike. just joking, he’s a peach and everyone just stands around watching the show. he reads my blog everyday!!! he said by my photographs how they’re composed, it’s someone who knows what they’re doing. ooh luh la don’t feed the ego monster. you will love it here. soap operatic. one guy across the way had a long grey ponytail, bald, full on ballin’ could tell takes zero s–t type.

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the magic is about to happen. sometime, this, century. i, would, imagine.

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oh didja know i am in the globe and mail today talkin’ smart? it’s true watch me. you know who also said i am smart? carole. she said my skin is amazing. or was it beautiful? doesn’t matter. (so matters).

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fuh-inally.

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looks like an eclair.

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this is when they told me they were adopting me. i was going for alice in wonderland here. easter style.

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aww love it looks like a heart almost.

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haha my pleats. who is pumped for the royal wedding?

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up and over the mountain ladies. carole’s getting cozy. two queen bees buzzin’ right there son.

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there’s an awesome picture of carole’s hair in the eighties in the bathroom, she’s standing with a female politician (no bigs), forget who tho.

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colleague had pea soup because he is about as adventurous as a small town preacher’s wife. agahahah. nono i mean, his palette is as vast as an inmate’s. he did attempt to go a little outside the box and got a strawberry banana smoothie.

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which i instantly high-jacked.

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my beautiful salad nicoise avec anchovies. everything in the café is vegetarian so as to not cross-contaminate with the cakes, the number one reason for everything yes? yes.

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maybe i should get a kid friendly card?

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curious customers having birthday lunch and a cake for the road why not, personal treat she said she was going to share it with her family. lucky ducks. it’s the most moist fudgey chocolate cake they will ever eat, i mean it, i obsess over this one. it’s the same cake i had for my birthday and i cannot stop thinking about it. seriously. it’s spurned a secret sugar chocolate addiction for the teacher and i. i cannot wait til easter is over by jesus we are speed stress eating those metro chocolate eggs like mental. i’ve been stressed for days though so it’s aiding in that.

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nice to meet you deb!

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your fabulous friend too.

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sneak kitchen/factory shot.

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fancy mags to read.

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fancy candelabras to pose with.

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aww bless RIP.

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CHEESECAKE TIME! i had a field day trying to narrow down my wants. this is the chocolate brownie cheesecake to DIE for. there are 160 to choose from too. i scraped the chocolate chips and icing right off. the base of it is brownie.

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that other guy is california lemon and yes it tastes just like it looks, ten zillion times better than sara lee.

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the longer my hair gets the skinnier in the face i shall be. see how i went from headband to hat? it wasn’t a playboy shoot ok. added my braided belt as well.

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MMMM. carole is also an innovator. her cakes are bottomless, she also designed the first bottomless AND topless cakes. ooh scandal!

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teaser. you can’t have any. we came all the way to summerhill and now i am eating summerhill.

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now check the apple cake and break out the fat plants please.

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now, globe and mail readers, do you see why i have to work out with a personal trainer three times a week?

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mmm what was that? i completely forgot everything, the entire world, for a few seconds there. last night instead of getting blasticated at tv on the radio (i sent darius and lucas though) i stayed in and had a big mac and then sweet lulu and somehow i am big mac skinny again. i’m lean today! despite how these pics look (tight shirt on my huge pythons and high waisted golf nerd pants) i swear i’m lean. ok enough on that back to putting my face in cakes.

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here i am getting the history. i asked what it was like being shot into immediate success, all over the tv news, papers? in the eighties too? wicked. carole also was a teacher, one of her pupils being the creator of dufflet cakes. crazy huh?

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maybe we’ll make a cake that’s big enough to fit me inside and i’ll jump out of it like in that steven segal movie, under siege? meh.

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one universal belief of how to charm others or to make them like you is to let them talk (which is infinitesimally difficult for me all the time on most occasions) about themselves WHILE listening or actively listening and do not puncture each statement or anecdote with one-upping their experience, snuffing it out with your own or making it about you. (i know SO MANY F–ING PEOPLE WHO DO THIS I AM CALLING YOU ON IT NEXT TIME) they will come away thinking that you are charming and nice, and smart.

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get hypnotized.

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extra listening means SHOWING COMPREHENSION.

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meaningful shock and awe.

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at one point i looked carole in the eye and said MEETING OF THE MINDS. it’s true. both figureheads. heads of our class. yeah yeah. number one meeting number one. and then we chest bumped haha. she said she was told that if she wasn’t tough in the business world people would walk all over her so naturally as a woman you carry that mentality with you for years and keep a bit of a buffer, you get touted as having an edge. then your reputation precedes itself and then people are apprehensive to meet with you or nervous, shy. me, i warmed her heart. who were we talking about again, me or carole? ha.

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mirrors to check everyone out by, eye level.

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john hancock time. there you go fanatics.

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don’t worry carole just kidding.

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this was a great moment indeed. the parking lot extends right to the road, everyone slowly cruised and honked. instant fans. i waved and poured on the vanna whites.

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haha look closely now.

see ya around CCC! not if i see ya first.

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got em flaunt em whatever em may be. i was a manic torpedo this weekend. stir crazy windmill around the room. so much energy as well as monica geller-level perfection neurosis.

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ya i’ll take that sign down soon get over it.

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i thought my cleanse was supposed to start today. that’s like finding out you get two extra party days learning that it’s not.

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for me i enjoy not partying and being good to my temple. surely. heh.

sigh. shirley temple. get it?

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keeping on track. party within your limit. you do not want party face.

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i say this to you as i go between coffee and heineken because i am celebrating not having to begin my cleanse until wednesday and i am hung you see? hahah. i am about to embark on two weeks ZERO BOOZE which i have done NEVER so SHUT UP. MONDAY HUNG DAY FOLLOWING STRUNG OUT SUNDAY make sense no? i should be napping right now. not a chance. had my work out this morning at TMR as usual it was a good one.

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i threw that shirt (the tank) in the garbage after these i vowed to never wear it again after its last work out with andrew it’s so cheap and the white has turned, not white. gross.

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every drink i make is fabulous. frosted glasses too.

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i am listening to what my next dance song will be. i listen to the same 30 songs everyday.

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my bad habits are rubbing off on teacher. right now it’s chocolate.

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and eating a lot.

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i make a good high-end sangria. i even frost the jug. oh yes. i secretly popped it in the fridge overnight. capital (the best) mental.

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i enjoy my saturdays. i am a psychotic workaholic. even while givin’er i am henry bloggins.

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made dinner at midnight. slept til three. totally forgot about it until the photos. this was delicious. i had two fry pans going and everything. i am like britt vacuuming at three in the morning during a house party she was hostessing aHAhaahaha. Muuust clean CLEAN clean clean cleeean. seriously. that is admirable. or as gill says CLEAN AS I GO. i cooked turke breast at midnight. cut it up on a cutting board, cut off the fat, veins (i am precise and have very high standards, picky picky picky) and cooked it with the leftovers from bier markt and my own added yellow pepper other stuff yawn you get the idea this is in case people with lesser kitchen bravery or creativity than i can parody it.

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and then i found time to make an egg fluff breakfast pad thai. i know. cabbage slaw based, with prosciutto, bit of jerk, bit of west indian matouk’s. generous black pepper.

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someone was about to get mega crabby i whipped it up in time. i plated it on spinach and that nice balsamic.

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this, cut with soda water, vodka, shake a bit but be careful cos it will explode out of the shaker. fuck science oh and you will when it shoots up into your face. actually don’t try this at home because you are an amateur and i am an expert psychopath.

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i am spoiled. he went and got supplies all on his own. smarter that way as it gave me the opportunity to clean up after the prior evening’s ghost partying wuhhhappened here? how did every single drinking glass get used? you should see the dishwasher right now oh god.

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my live thoughts space. my twitter protest. taking a photograph and then blogging it is like scanning film, how i began on my blog you know i used to develop film everyday and scan in those photos and html them onto vice’s messageboards holy as if anyone would ever bother doing that now.

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ok nappy-ish time. the hot water here last 2 minutes only so i can’t marinate my brain problems away.

i will walk the dog instead.

i am making headway with totoro (one of the cats) aka the terrorist aka enjoys puking in front of the fireplace for all to see and too enjoy. we hugged this morning and she was purring. all these animals are female too. teacher is thinking of making a twitter account called SHE SAID and it’s all my quips that get gary busey’d out of me. brilliant idea.

THIS ONE IS SO FUN.

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the weekend of great aerobics was upon us.

not to encourage it or anything but i start to go beyonce-level cuckoo ’bout midway through this gem ah ha. i’d recco 2.20 to begin viewing actually no the entire thing is cuckoo bananasly awesome. in the field that is called injured bird/easy prey re: girls of apparently weakened emotional strength and mood faculties. well more so it’s bait for dudes with penchants for crazy girls. fish in a barrel that’s me putting on a show. let them think you’re wounded then zip right off. playing possum.

lucas was looking for the shirt i strip down to in this. how cheech and chongy am i here? hahah i gotta put it on le blog too.

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hahah. nice dreams muuuuch.

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the weekend condensed into one giant bubble so we forgot a lot of it and only remembered thanks to the magic of cameras and technology. forgot i made this. forgot entire videos. keith richard said if not for tape recording many many of the stone’s major hits never woulda made it. wakin’ up after nodding off from playing alone and stoned in the night, your memory completely obliterated and then click press play, the riff of honky tonk woman or whatever comes on like i can remember which track it was specifically but anyway we were wowed and creeped out to watch all the videos of me dancing on the tv WHEN DID THIS TAKE PLACE? and then i got up to dance with myself. it was like watching a ghost. unreal. i’ll do it for melucas and darius tonight before we go to tv on the radio.

tomorrow i am in the globe and mail, a three part web series feature!

wednesday i start my cleanse.

did you hear catherine zeta jones is bipolar? tres chic that bipolar no?

the teacher said he’s been doing research on it. lulz.

k bai!