yo hustlas lets do this fast and easy, like how i like my women, men? no matter about them they break pretty easy with minimal push. anyway, auntie’s got a mad hankering for the notebook on this gloomy sunday. which ain’t so gloomy as i’m coasting on a few highs. one being a shopping high (used my AA gift card); two, regularity; um it’s sunday? well i’m more so stoked i got up and at’em, also another batch of laundry too.
we started out in the very back. my guy said the first round was on him so we got two double vodkas. i cheated last night. sorry whatever it was a special personal treat it’s not like i’m going to move on now to a gallon of home made red wine ahahah.
funny dude. i was underwhelmed by everyone though. i want to do stand-up. casie said o’niz does it i was like whaaaaa? who cares if i trainwreck. i am a professional trainwreck. i’m going to do queen west hipster personae.
jason (thinks i’m a genius) osler was there. i know he has a secret crush on me. he always sends me big brother noogie-grinding texts so i ushered him to the second row with us. he had a mini him with him too seriously a younger guy with glasses with the same mannerisms, funny nice guy.
proud to see my buddy ben miner up there. also it was ryan who brought us to the second row. all i gotta do in life is go someplace anyplace and there’s always someone i know there just waiting to unclip the red velvet vip rope for me it’s true. people have a better time at work if their homie shows up. employees universally snore their way through shifts it’s much more fun if your community extends to a couple extra shitheads in attendance who aren’t employees.
kay see jason? see the mini-him? hahahaheheeehhee yes. can mini raymis start sprouting up already GOD! margaret cho has a midget asian cho. need i make other examples?
this guy was good, his schtick was being a pig wop. i am kind of into dirtbags like that, sleazebags cos they are the penultimate opposite of what i “shouldn’t” be into (teacher says that this sentence makes absolutely no sense)(i’m only letting him read this post for if i went too racist, he is barred from reading my blog still). all those years in streetsville, at the hardware store working for italians has made me a woppy bitch when it comes to household duties, demands, unreasonable expectations. don’t worry all the other races and nationalities i have not made prejudiced stereotypes about yet i will get to you in due time. i coast between jappy whiner to bitchy italian princess and then when i fight i go ghettovale, ‘sauga falconer on a mawfuckur. it’s scary.
this shirt helped me get my picture taken a lot at the ossington. ok so back to being into dirtbags, (mind is all over the place, so are my photos, so just enjoy the ADD trainride to who knows town) i’ve told melodie that i am in to two types of guys only 1. tens (GQ hot) 2. disgusting puketastic vile wretches of society riddled with mental illness cocktails (these are the ones i have rando sex dreams about, ugh i know hahaha) and i don’t know why that is. who knows. i mean i sort of get it, one extreme or the other but really?
we were late. of course we were. my fault. spent two minutes at the brazenhead because i wanted SOMETHING to eat. i ate food yesterday. fast one day. cheatish one day and today i’m fasting again, well, i had soup, liquid food.
i have eating guilt but not enough to make me suicidal like in the beginning. i watched the teacher eat 85% of a huge thing of nachos and i didn’t sneak one. meanwhile beside me, lisa is having salty fish tacos. i had matzo ball soup. i only had the broth. i had mussels too. they don’t count as food they’re like popcorn, well, chewy snot really. um i am a retard it just dawned on me only ow that mussels aren’t vegetables. DISCONNECT honest mistake. yes seriously that just happened. SOS baby: strung-out sunday mix.
got two pairs of highwaister leggings, blue and black. and a blue thong though i think the teacher should have paid for that as stella ATE mine like the first time i came here. my red calvin kleins.
i love shopping malls. thanks mom! it’s the only place moms and daughters agree to go together to and then become mortal enemies from. YEAH I’LL MEET YA IN A FUCKIN HOUR!
could you look more like a pack of smokes? also, could you give us more than 9 pieces? FUCK YOU! i bumped into auntie winnie and uncle jim too at the mall (aunt win is nana’s sister) and she couldn’t get over how tall i was, when did i get so tall? um i’ve always been this height, leigh and i are the same height, she might have a hair on me though. they were going to go to the pickle barrel too. i kind of don’t want to go there cos the city blew $50k during G20 at PB but they have so many things for needy assholes i can’t not go back at least 5 more times. at the very least.
uma thurman hands (my hands are actually quite small for my height, feet too). my roots have never grown in so fast before. it’s all the super hippie pills and beauty tea and those weird gross drops in my gallons of water. i’ve figured out how to make your hair grow faster. jeanette is going to be rich.
reminds me of that shot of duck blubber, liver? foie gras shooters were sent over to us at epic (royal york) with some white creamy topping and there were mystery layers of stuff. it was more liquidy than these.
had to keep adding avocado to cut the heat. one day i will marry a spice lover like me and it will be hot burning shit heaven together forever. you can puke at any time now. haha brosz7 bought that beer cos of the black keys song commerical. said it tasted bad.
we went to wal*mart to get risk and wanted to murder each other in the parking lot afterward wow what a toxic scene up in sufferin mall. anyway this pissed me off. soft drink beverages in tall boy cans. maybe you should have paid me to endorse your new cherry drink dr. pepper, dr. dre is rich enough!
my first kosher soup experience. i had a nibble of the matzo. i am impressed by the science behind a ball of bread not turning to mush, well it remains mushly intact. teacher said it looked like cat brains. ew haha.
told the waitress i had an eating disorder she’s like hahaha i know you’re kidding. i’m all yeah… like the scene in get him to the greek when fat guy stooge has heroin shoved in his arse and russell brand is like why not put us on the plane it’s not like he’s got a balloon of heroin shoved up his ass and the flight attendant is like aahha classsssic. i said no garlic bread with my mussels (that i asked to be spicy were not spicy when they came out, hmm how interesting it’s like they didn’t listen to what i wanted or something there hmmm) and then before that i have a dismantled ball pile of matzo bread glob on the plate beside the soup and the other floating uneaten in my soup. she then put it together that this retard is a finicky eater so i go, apologetically, i have an eating disorder. it wasn’t funny. i should have said i have obsessive compulsive disorder, i have to have bread but i can’t eat it. ok that wasn’t funny sorry i’m getting sick and stupid.
wow i look trashed. oh that’s because i was. we got a couple drank tickets here each too. cheap drunk now big time also with zero base to go on. smart move girl! i made a lot of fans from my dance moves and picture taken. i want those bad boys. hi paul nice to see you!
this is animal abuse of some sort. whatever. this is the variety store by that crazy prom dress store on queen. go see for yourself tell this guy he’s got a couple f–‘n screws loose.
yesterday was great, liquid foodwise. i did it. i prevailed. going in for round two today. ok well, at midnight i had a tiny handful of onions i cooked. i think of all the cleanse days that day one of fasting, so many juices, the nutrients they provide, i’ve had the least bitchy coursing through me. i felt full and stronger of will and mind, more than halfway through now, today is day ten. the other bonus to this cleanse is you have sobriety clarity which in actuality equates zero patience and full hyperactivity. you ask someone a question and immediately roll your eyes waiting for a response, irritability and annoyance ok that was supposed to be a bonus somehow. you’re just sharp, very sharp.
going to yuk yuk’s tonight with casie. i will sit there like medusa staring unblinking, vibing out the comics. no kidding. please put us in the front row. i gotta email my contact.
gonna make like ling and bai! (bai ling? that joke was for one person only).
did you hear eye weekly is changing its name? do you know what to? i do. are you going to the party? i am. got a head’s up about it via chris who interviewed me for eye for my 10 year dinoversary. i only had that party to make the media interview me. it worked four times. another htbfoti tip regarding that is in le book.
rationing myself, rationalize uh, insert funny quip. willpower people. i will outline all that i consumed when this thing is over MOM stop asking me every day!
haha not my hair, just my greasy ratty halloween wig. my hair was even more disgusting beneath it. no wait it wasn’t nevermind. i can go 4 days without washing it, day four being better wash it day.
this is my vacation outfit. i am going to south beach with my mom and fairy godmother late june/early july. SO EXCITED. haven’t had any time to think about it or plan it, lois is taking care of that. ahh resort and car rental for 9 days all over the place. those girls are my wing girls too so they will be doing all the picking up for me and i don’t have to let my shyness fuck it all up though americans are way chattier than canadians so it’ll be pretty easy all around i think. my mom said everyone in SB is way more image focused and fitness obsessed so we better be bringing it. leslie said we have to go to st augustine though i think we might already be doing that, again, i have had zero time to process what’s up but now i am totally letting my brains go there. ba-lieve i earned a vacay. a REAL one. lois wants to film it all. it’s gonna be looney tunes for sure and i better not get fat. i’ll run on the beach. can’t wait.
i just looked at photos of myself from three weeks ago. FAT. look at how teeny you can get in 9 days if you are already working out if you just eat right.
beet salad from parts&labour sans the bacon. it was delicious but i wanted so many other things on the menu. sigh. saw an old bud justin works door there. awesome.
i was going to wear this but in the end switched to docs and a black tiny sweater and no bra, i wanted to be long and lean and gazelle and i have never been smiled at so many times before at p&l like that so it was a homer.
rationing my shake. normally i hoover but i am going mentally theatrical as much as is possible, pretending i’m an orphan or held captive, concentration camp all of the above. you get fuller quicker the slower you eat. give your mind a second and tell it that it’s satiated down there in your belly and that no more for awhile cos you’re lazy and will have to get up and comb through adventurehouse to get it. lazy wins.
not so much torture for me now i dunno why i pretend it’s hard to turn down food. your stomach and hunger goes away, shrinks. on the inside and the outside. today i fast. juice/shakes only, liquid food. got two big fresh juices to go.
bad idea those shoes but they look the part but partly stupid with this dress however totally last thing you look at when i’m coming toward you in the street. blisters galore now which would make me flip flop ready, right?
it was hard to talk to people in this hat when i was trying to speak to the windows people at a table i had to do a 180 from head to head to head. note to self: not a networking hat.
um can i be sent to modeling posing school for a day? these ones you have to give me a break on though as i have barely a second to jump back before the pic snaps.
i just got an idea for my next video. i answered some questions for an upcoming article for something or other and the guy started drunk emailing me last night haha and said he showed my blog to his girlfriends and they’re all into it and said OMG i just spent 20 minutes watching her dance. nice. hi girls!
i love your blog so much you are so addictive i sent it to my little pixie friends and they are all like omg i just spent 20 minutes watching her dance.
ah. its all part of something.
anyway goodnite
you should come to ****** sometime it would be epic
nothing like gift bags. an item in mine i am giving to my dad for father’s day. he will LOVE it and it will match one of the items i gave him on the present shrine shelf in the kitchen.
Well, this was a very different, unique, unusual, and most importantly open minded thought i had, plus i dont actually have any sisters and i’ve always wanted one. So as a result i came up with this special sort of relationship where it could be possible to be brother and sister even though we are obviously not blood related. I would NOT want this to be just some online thing and as well, i would want to eventually become really really close. What do you think?
again what do i get out of this?
this kid is annoying me now. the answer is give me one thousand dollars and i’ll be your sister for a week. it will be meaningful. loads. ha sha’right.
that shit cheers me up. don’t tell anybody though. i have an ocd reflexive need to LOOK at these every time i pass, even if in a car. just to make sure no one kicked them away.
sigh. a little bit of adorable on a gloomy day. unique and innovative. good idea for a garden wedding.
that trucker fucker was doing piggish wolfing at me so i scared him taking a pic (was actually shooting the fluorescent lights). he turned into a statue. you can call up a company and tell them their driver grossed you out totally right? not that i have the time for it but still, is there something about being high up in a rig’s cab that makes you insano-horny? there must be some lot lizards reading from their verizon phones in the states right now who can answer this.
here’s a hint: has skinny ankles like me and insults everyONE. hahaha. also rolls toasted pecans sprinkled in cinnamon into goat cheese ohmyfuuuugmgdlukghdsuifdsbvflbL! she also says it pee-kawns.
I AM COMING OUT OF DATE MACHINE RETIREMENT TONIGHT LETS SEE HOW I DO IT SOBER. YELLING IS CRUCIAL.
