a sadness so profound it cannot be believed like it never was.

ate so much junk food last nite i almost barfed. yes, candy spins, it’s real. i knew a guy who was a vegetarian once and he decided one day “fuck it” he said i am going to devour some ham, entire packages of pre-cooked meat and that’s what he did then he barfed and barfed and barfed. that’s basically what i’m learning right now, you can’t eat healthy for a long time then pull a 180 on that diet. so i pictured my old friend bent over a rubbermaid kitchen garbage container, spewing his guts out last nite while i had the nausea. lesson learned, for now.

this picture deserves a WTF caption. like that part in saved when she looks up at the jesus statue when she finds out she’s pregnant and says, fuck, shit, fuck then decides right then she no longer believes in god. hey guess what you guys don’t have to watch movies anymore i’ll just highlight what happens in them here for you, good? great.

ron burgundy outfit, turtleneck cardigan dreamy.

today is jamie‘s birthday. we go back to 2002, back to nerve.com which is how we met, unromantically. just kinda i dunno, we were dicks to each other i think, quite indifferent. snarky. i had already moved from brooklyn back to canada then to maine, can you picture me in remote maine for 3 long winter months? on dial-up? it happened. i had an amazon wishlist at the time and jamie decided to buy me a shirt off it as a joke, it was like 3 dollars and i actually rotated it quite a bit in my tickle trunk collection of raymi couture for awhile there. so we got to talking, maine didn’t pan out i moved back to canada, the suburbs, and worked a bit more at the hardware store to save money to move to the city. ok this is turning into being more about me now (shocking) but i remember being on my computer in the basement and a package arrived from jamie, some sanrio hello kitty stuff. it broke up the monotony of that three month interim and i realised he was a pal, more of one.

months later and i am living in little italy, breaking hearts, being a mess, being 19 then my heart got broken so i wrote jamie and said i’m coming to see you i have to get out of toronto before i explode. more or less. there are numerous posts about my visit in my archives as well as on jamie’s blog here and here and here and here and here.

ok so basically when you meet someone as depressed as you, your souls speak to one another without you ever having to open your mouth, which is good. they can’t bullshit you or you them, good too.

in my life i have learned that it is so much easier being depressed because happiness is just far too shocking, people would be completely content being down-trodden and sticking that out. happiness tricks you up because you feel like you don’t deserve it. it takes work. it’s a skill, actually. this is just a little side note that i have recently discovered. do what you have to do to be happy, genuinely, disgustingly happy, and do not question it or turn it over and over again until it makes sense because you will spoil it. accept it and carry on.

anyway, i seem to collect sad people, i feel like the saddest one of them all and i do a fair enough job hiding it as best i can so much so the general population doesn’t know it, ‘cept for the rest of the sad guys, they know it. you can sense it very easily. sometimes i sense it so profoundly (i swear i’m not baked right now) emanating off some stranger or other and i have to either leave the room or say something to them about it.

this is not a secret jamie is followed by a dark cloud sometimes, but now he has deb and she is such a gift i am so proud for them, of them. before her jamie was just blowing around in the bushwick night breeze with girls that sucked, none of which could patch him up. being friends with someone like this from afar is tough, i can do nothing over here, you know? other than listen to all of it, read it on his blog and not be surprised.

i dragged jamie all over the place. nice coke jaw, eh. so you think you can dance, so you think you can break dance.

then i went insane and jamie came to visit and i was a mess, a zombie, i spent many days alone, i couldn’t write, couldn’t think, talk, smile, nothing. couldn’t even lift a newspaper. i was kicked out of these meetings my mom forced me to go to, i was basically a ghost. basically worst company ever, but jamie still visited me and also he let me visit him for a week over halloween, i was sort of in the process of being dumped, long distance style. i slept on jamie’s couch. i was isolated from everything, especially myself. honestly i look back on these times and i am astounded by how i didn’t kill myself, or why.

thank you jamie for being my friend, through it all, all of it, you were there. i sincerely wish you the happiest of birthdays, you are a gem. you get it and those who are lucky enough, get to hear it from you. i think about you this time of year. one day before john lennon’s birthday, as well as sean lennon’s – yoko miscarried a few times to get that timing down. so i think of you, john lennon, and yoko ono’s miscarriages. haha xo.

anybody willing to be friends with an idiot like me is obviously a saint. oh remember i used to smoke. i have those pants still and they are baggy as shit.

blow hung, or quite possibly E hung. or both. a pal is a pal is a pal when they let you come trainwreck their schedule for a week.

you can also track the karaoke bendering on this old blog of mine.

i’m heartbroken in this photo, this is in williamsburg at planet thai, the first place jamie and i sat down in one of many silences together. i miss that scarf.

october is the month of remembrance as far as i’m concerned. layers of reasons to why.

very much feeling this jam right now i am, yep.

glow in the dark mini golfing baked, the kid working there was playing the best tunes like he knew what we wanted to hear and have been listening to the past ten years. then the music got shitty when these other employees took over, two chicks playing wimpy chick music. then it was like can we please leave? but before that best time, took hours it seemed to get from one hole to the next having to take photos every bit of the way, scatterbrained tripped out cliche hilarious. my eyes got tired halfway through then i looked at one acid-like day-glo painted squirly whatever and saw it swirl haha, plus metal was blasting. one of those moments you pay attention to and go i will remember this one, i will hang on to it.

dear raymi

peace!

quoting something from an email i just wrote to someone else, it somewhat overlaps, is relevant?

people think i am an awful person when they first come across me like im a big loud gong show and really im probably way more sensitive and caring than they are they just land on me and instantly feel like they are supposed to hate me and decide to do just that

makes me wonder why the fuck i do this sometimes

but then there are the nice guys too

someone could outright destroy me and id still have something nice to say about them and cherish the kind times all that gay

i am upset in this one because i missed the easiest shot ever.

i won though. had the whole place to ourselves then this mom and kid came in but before that it was pretty fantastic in there. i was wondering why that place existed and how it kept afloat weekdays? guess the weekends make up for that. i would like to suggest they have alcohol refreshments and adult nites only, but that’s just me.

bahaha putting edge is following me on twitter now. very suave, those guys. i better get free games from here on in.

feels like high school all over again. i’ll fish around my archives in a second for glow in the dark mini golf pics from when i decided to look like charlize theron in sweet november, basically d-y-k-e-y at 18.

baton twirling is in my roots. new pants thanks stitches you cheap bitches. very shiny.

i wear black on the outside because black is how i feel on the inside – The smiths. nice one guys. unlovable much HA song title joke pahaha ah.

mall rattin’ it up big times.

losing my abs.

1/2 off tan til friday, 4 bucks for super bed 8 minutes. love a deal.

not too sure how the suburbs are taking to your hero.

hey brosz7 i’m huge in poland!

and in zines.

my “articles” have been printed many times over in various publications. i have stacks of magazines and junk oh whatever. before they crinkle up into dust may as well take a picture for posterity’s sake.

man, fat sucked.

some real artists out here let me tell you.

regrets? yes. not stuffing this in my mouth.

i get it jack astor’s, you’re hangin’ on to some of the wacky. yawn. more like yawny yeah, that’s the extra comments i shoulda left on my bill slip. just kidding when i fill those out i give glowing reviews cos i need to be liked, even after i leave. especially then.

i kind of think rocky looks like my uncle. just the facial expressions. i think it’s a compliment. my dad took this, go arty dad go!

wild suburban times.

brian epstein moment with my dad, scouting out a new singer from the corner of this dive hole. man dive holes, great scene, not even being as sarcastic as i’m intending to be. i think noel and craig get what i mean.

suburban diet as of late. second time wolfing down deep fried pickles the last couple of weeks. awesome.

fat fuck snack. probably the best garlic cheese bread i’ve had out anywhere aside from the supermarket stuff in the foil bags you throw in the oven. you could tell they soaked the bread in loads of garlic coating before cheesing it up. am i a foodie?

keepin’ it dainty.

so long summer i dunno what it is about this season or what, just turned all on its own without consulting any of us, feels like.

everyone has personal stories about these things.

not as sketchy as it looks, nite time shot taken without flash made to appear like early morning shot which we all know are impossible to deal with at that time of party. there is no excuse for ghost blur face however.

BULLSHIT. who is this chick?

beating guitar hero – suck it rush! that song is impossible, even on easy it just keeps going and going and your right forearm burns like you beat off an entire fucking forest. the trick is to suck as little as possible at the hard parts then give’r completely on the easier areas to make up for the suck. i called my brother to brag that i beat it finally, unlocked a new venue then realised i beat the game. his game (well niece’s really) and he couldn’t believe it. my family is exceptionally competitive.

hey man at least i passed it.

sundays: made for antiquing. i’ve long since been a huge stater that it is the loneliest day of the week. plus everything closes at 5. yeah cool?

nice stance. you have captured the essence of haunted perfectly.

there’s a postcard of this someplace in a book of old xmas postcards i rifled through every time i visited the grandfolks. sometimes you have to look at something over and over again and it still is not enough.

64 year old doll. the lady who brought it in said she got it when she was 4. why would you sell that? no family to pass it on to or they don’t care? i do not “get” the world sometimes.

crouching tiger hidden poison anyone?

loved it intensely here we are again.

i love vintage christmas, that comes from both sides of the fam. i’d burn down a house in a second for these lights.

those are earrings teachers wear i dunno why they just do. ever stare long and hard at all your teacher’s outfits and think, why? what is even going on here? my favourite were the french teacher’s outfits everyone had crushes on them and they made you listen to celine dion. listen to fly en francaise, it’s called vole and it’s about a little girl who died of cancer and you will explode into tears, it’s so much more powerful in french omg see what french teachers do to you!? (i promise* i will never fucking mention celine dion ever again on this blog promise not guaranteed just listen to the part where she belts it out lie down on a bean bag chair).

uhhhhhh. well not to include it would be, what? whatever.

this is cute. take notes.

my parents collected old smoke tins. everything has been hung on to, kinda obsessive secret collecting hoarders we are. maybe i will be given permission to sell the shit in my own minimalistic retro shop someday….HINT.

i didn’t even bother looking at prices i have far too many necklaces as is. but still, still!

baby shoes (vintage) creep me out cos they remind me of that little kid from pet cemetery and that movie makes someone put shit in my pants!

brooches should be spelled BROCHES. who says brewch? idiots.

is this even interesting to you or am i in my own little world of thinking everything is amazing all the time “sort of” lets put it on my blog wait and see what happens?

new flats from mom thanks and they don’t pinch!

pirates were heavy into kahlua apparently.

how badly do you want a doll that looks like george costanza’s mother? how often do i make george costanza references: once daily.

darling, you are creeping me out.

the only shot i styled. laugh.

yoink.

you too.