blog perks

ck contraband, score.

laptop case

oh man it is so gorgeous outside i wonder what magical adventures we will get up to today i am pretty hung last nite for dinner we ploughed through two trays of cocktail shrimp haha they’re virtually fatless and 2.99 a tray. after my 40th shrimp i was over it we made our own ketchup/hot horseradish concoction, that’s what you get tired of, the horseradish wasn’t hot enough, i never thought the day would arrive when i complained about spices and heat. i grew up on potatoes and grey steak.

we played guitar hero II and i was sucking cos i thought i was too wasted but then i took a sip of the magic sauce wine and my skills sharpened like mad and i beat fil’s ass when we play i pretend there are people watching and i get really into it, singing and dancing and posing, posing is important. i am like the dude in beerfest who is chatting up that girl in the bar thinking he is all suave wearing a hugh hefner type get-up says HEY WHY DON’T YOU SLIP OUT OF THOSE WET CLOTHES AND INTO A DRY MARTINI she says what then the camera goes back to him and he has a box on his head with holes cut for eyes and he is actually just unintelligible drunk ramble-slurring at her ahah.

when the water was back on yesterday i was thawing the shrimp in the sink and this huge spray blast exploded all over my hair face clothes everything and it was super loud fil turned around all what the fuck, a huge air-pocket glugged up the pipes and that’s how it went it, pretty funny.

i have bruises on my upper thighs from walking into the organ and cuffing the edge of it, i don’t think there has ever been a time when i wasn’t bruised somewhere on my body fil laughed cos i walked into it again just now i was rippin’ on him hard i cannot tell you why he will be embarrassed.

he made me watch some of that zeppelin movie last nite because it reminds him of his youth yeah fine reminds me of mine too i have a party dad you know, anyway, i was all for it but getting pretty impatient cos of the pointless magical mystery tour rip-off beginning and fil said just give it a chance wait til the music starts, and then the music starts, and you can tell robert plant is high but on what i could not tell and totally butchered every song and it pissed me off and fil took it personally.

i would take it personally if i bought a zeppelin ticket, expecting to hear my favourite jams the way they sound on the record and then dude gets high and shits everything up. yeah yeah yeah plays shows all the time tired of the material blow me write NEW SONGS DON’T FUCK UP A GOOD THING FOR ME. i was not in the mood to watch a tour of arrogant pampered drug addict dicks do shitty show after shitty show on my friday fun nite, if they played the songs correctly then i would have, but they didn’t, so there.

oh great fil is going to write his rebuttal post in a bit.

fil had two choices

1. cid gets abused mangled fur skin ripped off punched to death all that

or

2. i get brutally gang-banged but am fine afterward

he thought fine meant COOL WITH IT so he chose option 1 i said DUDE fine means i survived that is all, it does not change the fact that it was brutally violent and traumatic and painful and disgusting.

so then he chose option 1. and said but he will find the guys who did that to cid and torture them for a loooong time before killing them.

then i had to choose between fil being gang-raped by THE CAST OF TOP MODEL or my dad’s cat rocky being ripped in half and other bad things.

!!!

so then this escalated to me saying FINE 1. I GET FUCKED BY EVERY SINGLE HOT GUY IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN AND YOU HAVE TO WATCH AND I HAVE TO ACT LIKE I REALLY ENJOY IT AND IF I DON’T THEN YOU GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE or 2. CID IS BEAT UP AND STRANGLED DIPPED IN HOT OIL ALIVE THEN EATEN ALIVE AND YOU CAN HEAR HIS SAD MEWLING.

please ‘splain the amount of peroxide bottles in your blue box, hair-stripping party or bomb-making party?

Sabrina: i am trying to teach myself how to budget
that is my new thing

me: budget
ew

Sabrina: i have never done it

me: this is how i budget
spend all the money in my bank account until it runs out

Sabrina: i am the sort of person that spends as much as humanly possible until there is nothing left and then i am like a face with a BIG HUGE QUESTION MARK on it
hahahahahaha

me: then mooch some of my savings off fil
then next month do it some more

Sabrina: that is me

me: yep

Sabrina: and on that note I THINK THIS IS SUPER CUTE

me: i am not really a purse person
i see it as a thing to carry my junk around in not an accessory

Sabrina: i am the opposite
i like to have something in every color that i might possibly feel like

me: i would rather have a slammin outfit and carry around a garbage bag

Sabrina: i am using a seafoam green purse now

me: i dont like chicks who use the bag to compensate for their ridiculous garbage ensembles

Sabrina: haha

me: HI THIS BAG IS THE SIZE OF A MINI COOPER AND I AM DRESSED LIKE A LIBRARIAN

Sabrina: hahaha
but i do not dress like a librarian

me: in one word tell me what my fashion style is and i will say yours ok you can use more than one word, you are cavewoman roofies chic

Sabrina: hmm, you make androgyny femme

me: hmm yeah

Sabrina: like an outfit that could be interpreted one way on someone else always looks good as hell on you

me: androgynous cheap poser slob

Sabrina: hahaha

me: thanks!

dinner from sometime last week, diggin’ the fake grill marks on the chicken. i let fil eat the POtayTOES.

me: im putting up this totally embarrassing conversation
about budgeting
everyone is going to be on my ass about it now
whatever

Sabrina: fuck them.

me: yes

Sabrina: you can go ahead and boldface that for them
and just cause we’ve said it they will be bitchier and read more frequently and with more fervor HEY ASSHOLES THIS IS ME PULLING A JIM MORRISON AND YOU ARE FUCKING FALLING FOR IT–GOOD GOING LOSER-MINIONS.

me: maybe i should wait for them to leave a comment first?

Sabrina: haha
well, someone will be bitchy within the hour i bet
haha

me: yes
bitchy within the hour
haha

Sabrina: oh man, i already hve some new guy being bitchy on my blog
cause i changed the template back to what it used to be
and he was like YOU FORGOT YOUR LINK TO YOUR WISHLIST
“sorry asshole, i did not–i just changed the wording. shut the fuck up”
and he was like OH MY GOD YOU ARE A PSYCHO, THIS IS BORING
good. don’t come back. it turns out. i don’t fucking want you to show up and feel like you can say whatever you want.

me: i love when they say it is boring

Sabrina: I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE I AM 12 OR IN HAPPY GILMORE. “NO! YOU’RE BORING!”

me: “your blog is so boring i will be back tomorrow”

Sabrina: hahaha
probably
i usually memorize those people’s ip addresses
so i can be like LIAR. FUCKING LIAR.

me: i have a pretty long list

+++

wife swap is on tonite at 8 or 9? i need one of those mic headsets that are online like those computer/video games so i can talk to other people who are watching wife swap at the same time here are some of the things i would be saying:

OH SHIT

I WOULD PUNCH THAT GUY FOR SAYING THAT

WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA?

etc.

formidable stuff here, friends.

+++

alec baldwin’s explanation.

did you guys see that thing called ONLINE NIGHTMARES on star tv last nite aka e! channel? wow i LOVE (sarcasm) watching television about the internet. after a long day spent in front of my fucking laptop what the shit is more relaxing than cruising off to sleep on my back watching parents cry over their hunged-himself son cos of internet bullying? i went over to mikey‘s blog to say something nice cos i do not want the law after me if he bites it but dude was all balking about 420 day WAY TO MAKE IT HARD ON ME.

i learned about suicide blog/rings sites/groups – people who give advice and instructions on how to successfully kill yourself, and they mob mentality you into doing it. uh why aren’t these sites taken down question mark face/eyes squinty. i mean should there not be a special internet crimes unit by now other than the one that works with that to catch a predator show that is dedicated to shitty emo goth fucks who blog about suicide? the internet is NOT going away, ps. look at blogs as a fucking gift, don’t just stand around saying there is nothing you can do about it with your hands in the air when all it takes is to pose as an emo teenage girl meet up with whoever is planning to kill themself then blammo, throw a depression net on them and take ‘em away to therapy.

anyway that is my public service announcement for the day.

oh shit it’s four-twenty day, i cannot waaaaaaait for all the priceless gems to spring up on genius blogs worldwide, allow me to get out my crystal ball:

4:20 Y’ALLLLLLLS SPLIFF SPLIFF SPLIFF!!!

SEE YOU AT MIKE’S AT 4:20!!!LOLz

and so on.

i will write more about how much i dislike potheads later on after i have coffee. i do not _hate_ them i just find them irritating and yes i use to be one so i know all the little tricks.

COME INTO MY ROOM AND LISTEN TO THIS FIFTEEN MINUTE LIVE AIR SUPPLY SONG SO THAT I CAN TRAP YOU FOR AN HOUR AND TALK AT YOU ABOUT EXISTENTIALISM AND FBI THEORIES.

well actually that pretty much sums it up, no need to delve further into the pothead psyche.

++

fil’s dinner

mine.

yeah looks like diarrhea and baked beans but it was pretty good and healthy enough, curry mixed vegetables.

i need a hair treatment, how does that work? my precious ends are dry and frizzly and i don’t want to cut them.

i just fucked up my knee jumping onto the bed THE BED to take these pictures you better enjoy them something awful cos my knee is sore and throbbing HOLY OLDNESS. as you can see the comforter is sans duvet cover. party.

++

in other news i am happy to report that finally someone has jumped on my poetry slams = single forevs. graffiti bandwagon:

too long to fit in one shot and the quality is bad cos i had to fuck with the whatever you don’t care i shouldn’t have written my second musing in the shadow of the stall door, live and learn. anyway, haha.

++

wow alec, harsh. your daughter should make herself more flexible to work around your schedule you are totally in the right. i mean, she’s eleven, time to be responsible, eh? i tip my glass to you alec and your parenting skills.

listen to it and feel good.

i’m PISSED i just took off the sheets and duvet cover and pillowcases and other washables down to the laundry room and it was locked, the super’s wife said it’s closed (tomorrow the water will be turned off all day) i do not understand why it has to be closed today do you know how fucking annoying it is to take off a duvet then put it back on DIRTY when you were expecting to be putting it on CLEAN. putting it on PERIOD makes me mental enough, putting that thing back on dirty swg;oireh greo igfdvbd/lvbdwvewb gfewgfbvwkbvewgfew; eflrehgreovgbv’ etcetera. i did not grow up a duvet person, duvet/comforter whatever it is, i think it is more of a dude thing, my arm-spanse is not that of a fucking eagle’s i canNOT deal with holding a corner then the other corner then flopping out the mother fucking blanket like parachute day in kindergarden and then T-bird jumping it on the mattress and smoothing that shit together just so fuck you meanwhile cid is hysterical all around cos it is laundry day and fil sees it as an opportunity to tell me like it is and to be a grown-up and to do it myself and i get severely nutzo stubborn yes i am basically handicapped because i am unable to do the duvet-thing by myself what if someone bought me one as a present and i lived alone in the middle of nowhere and it was laundry day?

one thing i DO enjoy is when fil cleans the litter box and how immediately afterward cid takes a big dump. he is like haha fuck you i am forcing out this dump just for you.

merkley???: hey hot stuff

me: yes hi hello this is me

merkley???: what are you doing?

me: trying to get up some courage to go downstairs and talk to the super about a package arriving for me tomorrow
im going to put it off until after i bathe

merkley???: is he scary?

me: no they are super nice
you know how it is, daytime recluse

merkley???: i burned my foot with hot oil last week and a giant blister formed and i havent popped it but i know eventually i will have to deal with it

me: this is exciting information

merkley???: because the water is getting less and less

me: i have an ingrown that i have had for like three years and everytime i go to the bathroom i work on it and i get excitement shakes when it might come out and then i fuck it up and have to wait a week for it to grow again

merkley???: so its like i have this half empty miniature water balloon on my foot

me: ok thats gross
so much for having lunch today

merkley???: its so weird how my burn was fairly severe but it never really became painful i know it would hurt if i popped it though

me: what part of SO MUCH FOR LUNCH TODAY do you not understand
anyway back to my ingrown
i fantasize about the day i pull it out and blog about it
i think a picture would be too disgusting

merkley???: what we do is tell each other stories
sell it

me: no way it is too precious it has been a part of me for a long time and i will prolly never be able to get it out

merkley???: maybe you should feed it to a hamster

me: GROSS
thats animal cruelty

merkley???: not if the hamster liked it

me: maybe i will make a necklace out of it for one of your fugly dogs

merkley???: my dogs eat fingernails and toenails they love it when i get out the clippers

me: wow this conversation just isn’t going to get off the disgusting is it

me: tell me about me im tired of you

merkley???: what do you want to know about you and i know you’re just fake tired of me

me: yesterday you talked about you and your book nothing about me you used me to bounce information about yourself off of

merkley???: i did

me: ahah

merkley???: i do that a lot lucky you

me: NO WAY I DONT BELIEVE YOU

merkley???: tell me what you want to know about you and i will tell you you are twice as self obsessed as i am at least twice, maybe ten times

me: no fucking way

merkley???: yup

me: i do not grow an elaborate beard to extend my eccentricities

merkley???: you would if you could

me: i do not wear suits i do not carry a white purse a womans purse

merkley???: you take thousands of self portraits

me: thats cos i have a personal blog

merkley???: you are more self obsessed admit it

me: i am self obsessed because i am narcissistic and insecure

merkley???: well duh

me: i am forced to be self obsessed cos i am not as famous as i want to be yet i am doing all the work

merkley???: you used to be more famous than me but i think i might be edging you out slightly ha ha which is good

me: well if i took picture of naked bitches i would be more famous than you

merkley???: my goal is to get famous enough that when i finally come to toronto and we go out to a bar i get spotted as much as you in your own home town

me: i dont get spotted as much as people think

merkley???: and that will piss you off but also you will think its cool because i will be making you non-stop laugh

me: they think i get spotted tons cos they would spot me if they saw me well if they spot you then they will know who i am by association wow this conversation i cant tell if it is better or worse than the disgusting one we had previously

merkley???: ha
if we hung out would you be competitive in the humor department or would you be a team player?

me: im a team player

merkley???: me too

me: when i am around funny people my humour escalates it inspires me to take the piss more

merkley???: same

me: it’s like magic and it blows my own mind i cannot believe how funny i am
being drunk also helps

merkley???: yup i got on a role last night for about a half an hour non stop genius jokes but i didn’t text them to myself dammit

me: when i am on a roll i am like thank you bipolar!

noel’s new job, second from left.

last nite was a successful sober nite, no fights, no subtle hostility and we actually got along, kidded around some and there wasn’t any violence GRATE SUCKSESS!

do any of you watch rich bride poor bride? did you see it last nite? (sorry ‘mericans it’s a canadian show) here is the synopsis of last nite’s episode:

Christy is a self-confessed princess bride who demands perfection. Tony, the groom, finds it hard to manage his stubborn fiancée and her overpowering need to get her way. Wedding Planner Karina Lemke helps streamline Christy’s modern/Asian vision while staying within budgetary limits. Will Christy’s quest for the perfect day try the patience of those who love her, including her future husband?

see: CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT SPOILED FUGLY BITCHY SELFISH DELUSIONAL PROJECTIONARY NASTY ARGUMENTATIVE IGNORANT SELF-SERVING UNAPPRECIATIVE WITCH.

every fucking thing that came out of her mouth had RED FLAG all over it and her husband-to-be was a total fucking sucker, he attempted to stand up for himself a few times but poorly and in the end the fucking bride won out, he paid 75% she paid 25% and 100% everything was what SHE wanted, she yelled and screamed at everyone involved and when the wedding planner sat them down to discuss the budget and concerns about going over it the bride snapped and talked over her saying every penny was worth it and fine everyone can eat off of paper plates so i can spend all i want.

that poor fucking dude, they had been together since highschool and if he stuck it out that long i bet he’ll stick with her for life, she even poked him with a fucking pen at one of the sit-downs with the events co-ordinator and nagged him like mental. he came home with a box of fans, nice ones i thought and she flipped out and spray-painted them silver saying she was fixing his mistake and to SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR BEER after he was like i’m finished with this and she’s like are you serious you are seriously offending me, she has ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE AS TO HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING NASTY BITCH SHE IS. she was beratin ghim the entire time he was trying to help her paint the fans and then after ten nasty comments he gives upand she was seriously confused as to why. dear christy YOU HAVE BIPOLAR MOOD DISORDER AND ANGER-MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS.

also they were about ten grand over budget and guess why!?

i hope she finds this post, or the husband does, fuck. dude takes thai kickboxing lessons and i fear one day he will finally snap and kick the nasty look off her face. i don’t fear it actually i would be delighted to see it on tv.

love raymi.