read this

oh and just so you know today i am dressed like a 14 year old metalhead boy, complete with greasy hair. fil was just petting my hair and making it greasier i said stop or you’ll make me have to wash it he said oh i thought that you were planning on washing it that’s why i was doing this. asshole. we just watched the dick in a box video and copied all the moves i am fantasizing about it coming on at a bar while i am there and then i can do all the dance moves and people will high five me in slow motion when i’m finished like i am a rock star and not just some obnoxious drunk attention-starved twat. my life is basically a string of separate i did something stupid and funny instances one after the other wow that wasn’t even remotely smart-sounding.


2005 year in review.

i turned 22 fil turned 31.

i went to the dentist for the first time since i was 18.

we moved to toronto.

we saw a lot of concerts.

i gained some weight.

we went to the cottage a alot.

we made fast friends with mg and slept on his couch in vancouver for a week.

i published two books and had a table at canzine.

drank a lot.

i met fil’s dad.

i dyed my hair blond and dark brown and cut it myself and made it black again.

jamie came to visit and we went to the ROM.

i rented my cousin’s room in lil italy and stayed there maybe 3 nites a month for three months and it wasn’t at all worth it.

fil and i joined my dad’s band that we still dont have a name for.

fil and i watched lord of the rings 8 times.

met lots of other nice people.

went to the science center.

crapped my pants twice, fil once.

bought a new shower curtain.

met k-os.

watched lots of VOD.

got paid a hundred bucks to dress like slutty ms. claus.

saw a bear in the woods.

made fun of a lot of people.

wrote on my blog.


fil came home early he broke his swipe card so i had to go down to let him in, on the fone he says CAN YOU GO DOWN TO THE GARAGE AND STEP ON THE CENSOR LINE TO OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR? uh dude how about i just go down one floor and get in the car with you and you can just swipe my card so i don’t have to go down two floors and walk all the way around the garage to the door that’s like 3 unnecessary extra things to do. he says he is feeling sick and achey i asked if it wasn’t something zelda could cure and yep wouldn’t you know it he is already playing, yesterday 2 minutes after he came in the door he was playing it. i’m gonna need to have an affair.

i think i have index finger cancer or i will have it soon cos of my missing ‘s’ key.

on christmas before we drove home from oakville we went by my grandma’s house so i could take a picture of it and it was pretty spooky to see it all empty and dark in the rain. sigh. it makes me sad to think about it, it’s like losing a friend.

last nite i bought these aged white cheddar baked kettle chips, i didn’t realise they were baked tho so all the way home i was fantasizing about putting my face into this bag full of greasy cheesy amazingness and then i got home ate one and discovered that they are the opposite of delicious. around midnite i drunk-snacked them thinking i am half asleep and wasted perhaps they will taste better. nope. so i dipped them in hot sauce.

more amazing stories to come.

MOVIE REVIEW TIME *spoiler alert

rented the wicker man last nite and it was nothing what i expected, and i don’t mean bad either, it’s quite enjoyable and engrossing actually though one of the more prominent thoughts one might have whilst viewing it is AND WHY THE FUCK DOES NICOLAS CAGE NOT HAVE AN ASSAULT RIFLE?!

dude shows up to this private island where-in reside a colony of cuckoo bitches and he’s looking for this lost girl and he’s running around all in a frenzy and no one is helping him and he keeps having these flashback hallucinations of this other little girl in a car accident that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MOVIE other than the fact that it caused him to go on stress-leave from work (he’s a cop) and naturally he conducts his own little investigation during this stress-leave that involves the most stressful work EVER on a remote island without phone service and a bunch of bees and yes duh he’s allergic to bees too, perfect, none of the dudes on the island talk they’re like man-slaves and it’s pretty frustrating to see. fil said i should go live there cos of that in fact, insisted i should go to where men don’t talk anymore. haha.

the chick who plays his ex, mother of the lost girl, has these massive cocksucker lips and huge googly blue eyes and the majority of the time you are picturing yourself pressing various body parts of yours to her lips, just saying. she also has this annoying way of answering questions where she pauses and then repeats what she says once she FINALLY FUCKING SAYS SOMETHING.

if you saw it in theatres tell me what the ending was in an email please cos the dvd has the “shocking” ending only.

oh yeah everyone dresses like the lord of the rings in the shire it is a most welcome surprise. hmm i gave stuff away without actually giving stuff away. go see it.

woah i just googled the wicker man and found a bunch of nudie pics from the original so renting that.

warning: this post will open the floodgates of how cuckoo everyone who reads my blog is!

i’ve noticed that i talk out loud to myself more and more these days, specifically when i am leaving comments in other people’s blogs, i’ll say out loud what i am typing to them with the same tone and inflection as intended the way i wrote my comment and then i will read it again after i hit publish and then snicker maniacally for ten seconds thinking how sly i am and then i realise that i am a fucking loser and then write some more on my blog. sigh.

some arrogant little dick is banging on the slide and all the plastic elements of the park outside and i just wanted to let you know that i am going to kill him.

oh awesome it’s some little tween babysitting three other little kids setting a prime fucking example. i need those construction worker’s soundproof earmuffs.

someone from south korea has spammed my entire forum with incest and orgasms sites that’s fucking awesome and my admin guy is on fucking mars or something cos he has not responded to one of my emails since a week ago i do not have the patience to go and individually delete every single message so if you want to look at incest or orgasms sites go to my messageboard i deleted a couple but then once i got to the third i became so incensed with rage i have not been able to blink for ten minutes.


mikey said something about me i dunno this is like his christmas present to me, thanks, dude just can’t say something 100% positive about anything ever, prolly cos he’s like 17 and emo and lives in the lamest town ever.

mshyatt: hey can i be a leech and ask for a mention on your blog?

me: how/why would i mention you

mshyatt: i am trying to make a travel dvd on how poor people like me can make a holiday in Amsterdam. I have been social phobic and havent left my house in 4 years so this is my big, non gay, coming out thingy and if i make millions i will share

me: you seriously have not left yer house in 4 years?

mshyatt: only to go down the street sometimes for smokes…but thats it

me: ok well you have left yer house then

mshyatt: but i do it late at night when no one is around

me: why are you afraid of people

mshyatt: heres my youtube that explains everything i had a big crash with meth addiction and messed up my brain..thats why i have been antisocial

me: are your teeth fucked

mshyatt: actually gone…but i have some spiffy falsies…thats another touchy subject for me..why i dont like people..I worry they will notice

me: how long did you do meth for

mshyatt: about 5 years..never spiked it but started smoking it from a homemade bong…meth bong hits…ouch clean almost 10 years now…I will be in Amsterdam for the 10th anaversery

me: wow good for you
how did you kick yer habit

mshyatt: had a very bad crash after 12 days with no sleep and fucked over every friend i had with my rantings and visions of mice running a speakeasy in the cubboards…i was truly out of my mind …so i just stopped…detoxed and moved home

me: woah
well good for you for stopping, i see shows about meth addiction, sketchy to say the least
good luck with everything else

mshyatt: only 6% of people kick it so thanks