Muh-om! I like this better in colour why do you have to go all Tracey pizazzle on it for? Email me the orig please raymitheminxATgmail.com thanks.
Beautiful night much. Two moons in one night. Baha couldn’t resist.
Do you think I am going to pull a Susan Sarandon and not pose with these mini babes? Do I look like I am crying inside AHAHA. Whatever, the more famous you become the less your age matters because notoriety provides relief as long as I don’t turn in to a potato just yet. I will admit I look tireder than normal here, it happens.
Or I can just jump in between these two. Likewise, take a page from the Tracey Chronicles and limelight it to middle age myself. It’s not Pride and Prej. times anymo folks. Anyone who even deigns to make age wisecracks is stupes anyway, plus jealous. I have spent 12 years amassing my seniority you don’t just start a tumblr and become a scene-ior. Ha I am going to tweet that. And while I do notice the younger ones who jock me, I ain’ts stupid. You know that I know what’s up. Read the three letter word url you are parked on right now, that is who I am after all.
Lois was bigging me up to this lady from the Netherlands or something, I love when Lois warms up my audience then I take a big Lebowski swig of my drank and step in for the grand finale. She was talking about the Toronto shooting I think or some other lady who looked like her was and I was like no thanks. You don’t exactly set out to tell your life story to strangers all the time but after they watch us mess around and catch each other up on our lives and take photos, drown one another, their curiosity just can’t handle it any longer and they have to ask you what the f-k is going on.
Exactly lol.
Talking is just as distracting as changing the radio station while driving, the drama steers the car’s wheel with those two. I said to Steve yesterday that I bet when compact disc players were the thing there were totally Dateline NBC and 20/20 scare-terror for ratings reports on music causing collisions and such. Basically just be afraid of everything, make everything illegal and call it a day. Anyway, Lois and Tracey are just too unreal when they drive to and fro TDot. I say no more, otherwise ah lose ma f-ing mind about it!!!
I dare you to drown on my watch. You’d do it too just to get mouth-to-mouth with me I bet. I do possess lifeguard saving CPR skills and all that jazz. Maybes a little rusty though, okay I poke you where? *slams on your chest* bahha.
I wonder when Tray will load up youtube with her vids. She is in to that as well. Incriminating material or not, she is in to it. Always watch everything you do or say around her, she is worse than I am.
This picture would rule if it wasn’t so distorted from FB muth-er.
Lois told me to F the B here cos of the Aruba one. I love how Lois gets out all her little demons passive aggressively like that it’s so cute and I don’t mind at all being the conduit either. Love my LoLo. I like pissing off my mom too and she likes it, it’s disturbing! Lol.
I love this shot mom. Hailey and her buddy spent the week together doing all kinds of things I think that’s great! They go to different schools and are both going in to high school this year. Rocky seen here, kept it real.
I really liked Hailey’s friend’s hair. I have never had wildly dyed hair now that I think of it. I “missed out” oh well. I think I am wild enough though and I’d feel too crazy with kool-aid hair.
Steve’s new murse is the best he loves it so much I am so happy for him and you know what, black was the best colour after all. Tarek is a wizard. Steve is a wizard. They are both wizards. It’s good to keep ties with wizards. If you dudes want to flex your metro-sexuality a little bit too please peruse the NB Man section of Nella Bella I can’t believe I am dating a stylish modelesque dude come to life, I took some photos of him in the parking garage yesterday carrying it and was like wow, simply, wow. The way he held the bag like it wasn’t at all non-masculine. He even carried the blue/green Riviera clutch yesterday for me on our lover’s walk. Aw. I was like stop people are staring, he rocked it even harder. He had a RUN DMC kinda vibe going down so it worked.
I think Hailey is more graceful than I am, mom says she is very ladylike and fem, plus took ballet.
I’ve seen one of her performances before I was impressed and she was so young.
Thanks for the bathing suit Paddy! Everybody loves it. Even Pauly Shore!
Oh I’m not a reality tv star? Pfft. Okay then, I am a blog star so much so that reality tv wants me. How’s that? And if a had a nickel for the THOUSANDS of people who have told me I wasn’t famous I’d like, have all these nickels (Beavis joke). I think tons of people talking shit to you means YOU ARE FAMOUS. Also I have a video of one of the producers asking me what it feels like being a reality tv star as I whiz by on my longboard with the go-pro clipped on to it to get POV and shots of my chins from below plus two other camera guys… so just because I deigned to say something nice about the network that my friend/colleague said doesn’t mean you have to cry about your show getting no blog kudos on my stupid blog, kay? Nice professionalism too “can’t stand me?” look in the mirror woman because it’s yourself who you can’t stand. Money is a trap by the way try-hard do you think anybody honestly cares how much money I have or that it matters.
I bet you would love to cast my mini Raymi niece then too since you work with such intellects as 14 year olds day in and out. She’ll be 14 in September. Time flies, ah ma gad. It’s neat that my brother took the parenthood plunge before me cos I get to see how it all goes down and come out unscathed as “crazy aunt Lauren” now upgraded to “coolest person in the universe aunt Lauren” (with a little bit a-cray I’m sure) after our visit with the girls yesterday and the day before that.
Steve and I took them for gas station snacks (mom and Lois were hungry) then I went to Tim Hortons for muffins and donuts and overheard a guy say this about a girl, “Talk about a hot mess, no, not even hot, more like luke warm mess.” Then repeated it 3 times and I resisted the urge to turn and ask for him to point out who he was talking about.
Then we saw two hot messes in pizza pizza they were holding their donkey heels that all young chicks wear out now like it’s a runway (how kids get off my lawn do I sound right now?) and the girls went 1 2 3 THANK YOU FOR THE PIZZA and our hearts melted. We cruised around for a bit to give them a thrill and accidentally went by MTV and they flipped out. I had to recount my MTV Creeps experience for them too because of how much of a non-reality tv star I am.
My mom has way better pics. I was so beat tired from dinner at Weslodge that my pupils were dilated like so but everyone’s appears to be too in all the pics. I am always tired and hung when mom comes to town, it’s the city and that is life deal with it or move to the prairies (god I can’t wait to live in a remote cottage someday).
I explained the history and lore of Jarvis Street to them. It’s a Raymazon look! Also acceptable photo caption Welcome to the jungle.
Lolo spoiled Hailey too. Good. My mom invented this (one-sided because I truly do not care, I’m her aunt not her sister) competitive wedge between Hailey and I for her own deluded amusement and it’s fun to see them try to wind my gears up and all’s it takes is one little cuddle from me to mom to get Hailey going LOLOLLL don’t mess with aunt Lauren bro! Hailey’s friend was rocking herself in the corner because of all the chaos. My eyes became big in horror at the sight of an outsider looking at my family that way (why am I thinking about running with scissors right now) and was like quick okay lets go down to the car before she wigs out!
Back to school back to school to prove to my dad that I’m not a fool. She goes in to highschool this year, oh man! it’s going to get intense. My bro is pretty chill about it though and Hailey is a good kid, she might be a little too smart I’m not sure about that yet who knows what Raymi trickled down to her (so far tons maybe) cos Robin saw her and my mom by the pier and Hailey was dancing and leaping around and taking pics and whatever and Robin goes that is SO RAYMI.
I have a distinct memory of holding her as a baby in my arms in my bed in my teenage room to relieve whoever had her last and that gentle baby way, she was crying and we had run out of options so I got all of my jewelry boxes and music boxes, wound them up and she became calm and content and we fell asleep. I just burst in to tears I never told anyone that story before. The music box that worked best on her was this pink victorian paper person that danced in a white wooden painted box, a very old fashioned toy my mom tried SO HARD to make me feminine my walls were covered in girly lilac wallpaper I hated and covered in rock posters because I thought it was wussy anyway so I had a lot of girly trinkets and crap and they came in handy that one night I was doing homework lying down in bed and my mom brought Hailey in to me. It takes a small village they say. Or a funny farm in our case. As far as I am concerned Hailey is my family’s greatest accomplishment so far.
She’s pretty quippy and smart and this is exactly when it begins, your parents become amused and entertained by your intellect and funny humour but then it becomes permanent and they hate you until you’re 18, good luck. I’ve seen some wicked moody teens my god. Thankfully Hailey isn’t or won’t be like that, she’s a joy to be around and play with and is in to all the weird zany antics my mom and I do, ring leads it like we’re Moonrise Kingdom
I don’t mind not being the only princess what I do mind is not being a kid anymore or having a model body that that kid is gonna have and I am already psychotically protective world-weary of though everyone else in the fam seems to be chill about except for me so I will drink a glass of relax.
Also, I did not look cool when I was 13/14. I was getting there but it was tough especially up against CrayTray cos she hadn’t got her groove back yet and thus I had to hide all my skanky le chateau swagger but out at the mall sometimes she’d flip a little over how I’d get looked at and of course I walked like a hood rat skit if I could manage it, plus some Ghettovale style too shout out to my home-dawgs baha. I think I am so tough because of Mississauga sorry, I mean “street”. That shit pays off. While Steve, he is Etobicoke-style street. Ahaha. The closer to the airport we get the more rough we may be, I think Brampton has its own hashtag on twitter that is pretty jokes and a cool chick from the ‘saug and I are going to become IRL friends and I bet when we hang my dialect will get all regional with her like in How I met your Mother. That sentence was so sick I have to tweet it. Her name is Anum, I don’t think I’ve had a brown best friend before and she dresses like Mr. Dressup meets MIA aka perfect.
Hot tubs and iphone flash = frenemies. It’s okay it makes it less racy. Phew.
Lifeguard on break.
We really needed that hot tub soak holy toledos it was ever so relaxing and there were other mellow folks sitting around it was a staycation and cos I’m local, the expert who got to talk about themself the whole time hi lady from, where was she from Lois? She was talking about “the Toronto shooting” like it was super interesting I don’t think I’ve ever had an out loud conversation about it before everything I learn about my city comes from the internet and real life and I don’t give in to the news hype. When we turned on City Pulse yesterday they all screamed over an amber alert holy shit relax the world is still moving around you I don’t know what they were slowly expecting to read tickering by the bottom of the page but it really annoyed me at the time that they wouldn’t stop talking all at once about it.
Yesterday I ran around all day doing errands it felt and because I am a blogger things take longer like, getting offered free lunch when I was intending to starve all day on coffee like I normally do. I think writing this last sentence just broke me of my blogger’s block. Remember when I said I’m a blogger not a fighter I thought a smart person would say you’re a blogger not a writer. It is good to know that there are no actual smart people on the internet and nobody said that to me and got my feelings hurt. Phewf. ps. I have Lohan freckles. Only on my face though thanks to the sun.
There is no way I could wait til fall to start using this clutch, also, it matched my dress perfectly. Steve was like go with pink I was like no way Steve.
So I had a me-day. Why not. Sometimes you don’t gotta blog man. Those times we call, hangover. Man I wasn’t going to talk about how hungover I am today but who cares, we had date night and cube back-to-back so it was defskies a PBENAYSHE kinda day. Even when I am not working I am working, documenting, walking around in a circle while on the phone I think we will need a family phone plan based on our phone habits. He’s at the salon all day and calls me on his smoke breaks omg he’s calling right now and is singing red red wine to me lol okay balcony break brb. Hi I am back wow look at what Playboy said on twitter about me today I feel like Rihanna, my life is a dream life it is getting nuts!!! Good thing.
PBE also retweeted one of my quotes from my Raymi Bunny Bio that will be blogged on the Playboy Tumblr very soon. They told me their network will be exposed to me, broadcasted to their 33,364 facebook people omfg. Then in October a projected Raymi boom might hit when I get blasted on Cosmo TV’s network a friend/colleague said is a super good network so I am on pins a little bit. You think all kinds of funny things in this head space like I wonder if I get famous enough will Chadvil ahah Chavril I mean but I prefer Chadvil. I bet he has pain resolving Chadvil effects on Avril. I have to finish the thought, will we get invited to their wedding?! #GOAL. Tyler Stewart you better go too! It is our Canadian Nationalistic duties to. I will be caught up to you by the time they marry or break up.
My Aruba beach Caribbean sea collection. Yes I miss that place! I will tell Lois we should def go back in the fall I wonder if Victor will have his new palace rentals built by then for us. That’s Aruba money too I wish I kept more of it I dumped a huge handful of coins in my mom’s hands at the airport when I was desperate for a pop after my Academy Award winning diva tearsplosion when we were informed we might not get on our plane of the ghetto airline that seems like it flies once a day, Lois thought I was faking it. Oh no way man I was ready to leave that island I missed Steve like a mental patient misses freedom. Anyway mom I want my coins back. If you sit on this smoking nook you get to play with my coral.
Sorry my face looks like a diamond? Not sorry? What? I need to make more money so I can hire someone to do my blogging for me or do the other stuff I don’t want to do so that I can focus 100% on blogging, there is just too much to do and I am too easily distracted thanks to social media and email volume, tumblr, playboy, lifeing it up, events, acute hangovers. Maybe I will just drink less there’s an idea bozo. Okay we will be boring starting tonight. Promise. Save for an opportunity to rip it up with an A-List celeb, no drinky tonight heard it here first. And many times before that too.
One of my internet besties painted this of/for me, I have awesome Little Raymis I truly do. One day we will meet and hang and maybe go to Burning Man together, go check Liz‘s blog she is amazing and in to thparkles and rainbows and hoola hooping and crafts and has a handsome tattoo’d husband and she blogs her entire life hardcore like I do, she’s a sister for sure! Also please tell her to get the fuck on twitter already so I can insert her in to my network and increase my following and while you’re at it Little Raymis please stalk to me on twitter too, get in before I turn in to even more of a minor cewebrity. “Just saying”. I am also in a race with Crystal Head vodka to get to 4000 REAL followers asap. Or maybe I should just buy some like everybody else? Yeah right, that’s desperation.
Raymi is real, in fact, so real, that maybe, Raymisrael! That’s for all my Jewish fans you’re welcome.
Some more of what I accomplished yesterday. Steve is in love with his bag so much SO MUCH and a guy on the street stared at it when I had it on my back at the lights of King and Bathurst. He became positively mortified by his own stupid bag and I recognized the look of influenced all over. his. face. Do you like my gay fashion writer bougy persona? Me either. I hate being mean. It’s just that I felt like a straight baller with that hot doctor Miami Nu Vintage bag slung over my shoulder. Now lets go play nurse. I love Tarek, he’s just like “Do whatever, you’re good organic.” about my bloggy it girl style. Thank you so much by the way Tar-Tar (which I ate last night because I am fah-bulous) I think the Holiday purse for Madonna is a fantastic idea. Of course I sang-songed it “hol-i-day-ay!” you know I did.
He let me start the thing meep meep and yes I am scared of that movie btw is scurry shit! Plus the girl died from something cray and all these spooky things happened on set if you watch the behind the dvd scenes that little munchkin woman who plays the clairvoyant red haired George Costanza’s mother with the squinchy voice talks about the little girl ooh shivers.
Anyway, Shannon is going to have a massive POLEtergeist Halloween party YEAH BUDDY! Maybe I can perform my pole skills at it as a hybrid burlesque pole-formance piece and we’ll charge admish. You guys just witnessed a lightbulb flicking on. I love when thoughts become things. I made a Poletergeist pun and Shannon was instantly like HALLOWEEN PARTY! I like creative people, thrive off and require them.
Someone said I was hotter when I was fat. Well there is some fat bro, enjoy!
Stripper moms!
We were all remarking on how funny it is to dancercize at Brass Vixens above the afterhours place everybody knows (Shhhhhh) downstairs. Makes you feel more normal about being a party machine. I saw one of the lofters from U8TV down there once years ago it was the lofter who looks like Slater from Saved by the Bell. I put whoever or whatever I was doing on pause, bee-lined him, told him all this super meaningful stupid crap and he was like, woah. Then I immediately went back to the person I was givin’er with (a non-op trans obviously)(who ruled btw) and kept away from Mario Lopez-look-a-like why the hell is he down here superstar. That is how starstruck I get. I do the opposite of what everybody does in situations always and that is how you get ahead in life. Turn off the fear. Do the thing so that then you can tell everyone you did it. On your blog.
The night before. I was not planning to go out and also didn’t know that they were (sneaky bitches) but thoughtthe kiddo is going away for forever after all why not hit the central vortex, why not. Steve needed to experience it so that all of my stories will make sense. Don’t you love when you start dating someone and they tell you all these stories starring all these people and then you get to walk in to one and he’s like THAT’S THE GUY WHO BLABBITY BLAH and this is the place where I fell down the stairs RIGHT HERE well I wanted to give that gift to Steven because I am nice like that. We got home at 5 or 6 in the morning whenever the sun was starting to come up. I knew it would happen. I can only do a Central shit show like once a quarter baha.
Then even earlier on that day after Magic Steve got off work earlier than usual he took me out of writing prison for a cruise on the vespa to get some sun because I stayed inside all day going stir cray, balcony cray. I needed to eat as well. We go to Sugar Beach each Saturday it seems, easier than going to the island just hop on the bike and get a burger and fart around in adirondacks til the sun goes down and we go home for a nap and a bath and a blog then a zzz. Maybe I should make a virtual calendar of our schedule to make fun of.
Saturdays I usually rip it up au natural too, freckles ‘n all. Steve freaks over them guys are so cute that they like you when you’re all gross, they like to sniff butts, hilarious! HA sorry (not sorry).
Blog spotted at the lcbo too in line I played it cool no worries, that chick was super sweet I love when people say hi to me when they recognize me I hope it happens in front of Hailey on Thursday maybe I can set up some people at random intervals to walk in to me and make me look cool. Actually some days errands take over an hour longer from all the people you bump in to around town. It makes life fun it really does, I think the city needs to be less isolating and more people should be friendly and say hi to one another.
I also like my down time, alone time, don’t get me wrong. I was criticizing and analyzing this dude the next umbrella over to Steve cos he was getting wasters and very opinionated like he couldn’t shut up it was funny and he was such a dink too. I love people watching, period. Just put any thing in front of us and as it walks by, analytical take-down. Gay dudes are the best at this I love hating with them.
These shorts are a bit Rhythm Nation.
I’d make for a fun Raymi the Minx action figure no?
Love in an elevator! Feeling me up when I`m going down! Is that the lyric?
Clem said if I was working at the Central in a year’s time then I had failed. What about drinking at the Central in a year’s time lol? I quit after 8 months. Then I started making blog bank. You must remove the safety net and jump!
And now get the heck out of here before you turn in to one of us kid. Lol. I can remember being 18 in Brooklyn hanging out with 29 yr old bros. so I understand the accelerated youths but it still blows my mind. I’m like Kaptain Kangaroo anyway I think a fig newton would even hang out with me? Sure.
Oh what a night, lots of laserbeam eyes because The Central is a cavern bathed in darkness you be careful now. I am never careful I turn in to one of my best alter-egos at the Central called RAYMIAC. I think I told off three thousand kids and yeah, it was pretty awesome HA.
