so eyes wide shut was on saturday nite i of course stayed up til 3 watching it holy fucking long. the first time i saw it was with my parents in a movie theatre, awkward. i was 16. anyway, i wasn’t a blogger then, so there is no OMFG eyes wide shut post, til now eight years later.
what can i say that hasn’t already been said? that piano music when you are wasted at 2 in the morning is kinda nice like oh i should masturbate now or wait until the next totally ridiculous unrealistic nude scene happens? sorry nicole kidman you are not a believable stoner. i like how the high-society white dudes try to be all threatening by driving in slow-motion and passing tom cruise typed notes with his name on it, way to go kubrick that puny white guy in a trench coat on the street corner looking at me and crossing the street slower than molasses, wow, you frightened me i will get scared once i’m done blowing myself. this review is awesome.
oh and then after tom cruise does something bad he comes home and nicole has to tell him about her sexy thoughts about some other dude like it is his payment for being a douchebag lying cheatfuck.
then tom cruise goes to see that rich guy and is all tell me straight and the dude is like she was a hooker blah fucking blah most cliche scene ever oh wait here comes the requisite tom cruise freak-out yelling monologue!
and how about this tall drink of cocksucking underwear outfit kidman wears?
buddy tom, is there something wrong with your eyes? why go out to bang prostitutes when this is right under your roof? oh right the eternal search for MORE when you already HAVE EVERYTHING and it is PERFECT. fucking asshole.
oh right i forgot you are searching for meaning in your life sorry i asked jeez cos sneaking around a secret society orgy in a mask and cloak MEANS SO MUCH MORE ps way to get that hot body chick gang-banged you dink.
yawn.
i forget exactly the last line in the movie that kidman says something like we need to start fucking or we need to start doing a lot of fucking soon. worst ending ever.
then i went to channel four and partied with the late nite 1-900 number bitches, they have a new commercial now and this one sold into the sex-trade girl’s hair is longer and she has new clothes, i felt sort of proud of her like aw i am watching you grow single tear the other one’s faces are so incredibly busted i almost lost the will to finish myself off. i think they are hanging around the credit river for their little commercial.
may as well rip out all your hair now buddy good luck.
my dad looked at these on my camera and said oh no.
my grandma’s house is almost ready to be ‘dozed
the trees will be protected though right cos i have loads of memories of a tree. kidding. that house beside it used to be small, when it was sold the buyers said they wouldn’t demolish it, they lied.
no beach yesterday, it got grey and cloudy and sprinkled rain just as we were approaching one, so we went for a 4.5km forest hangover walk, and i was wearing the stupidest flip flops, genius. wait til you see the videos. oh and of coures patches of sun came through and it was super hot and did we bring water? no.
and so we make it to the waterfall”s”, underwhelming to be speaking generously. fil’s penis seeped over it of course cos there were some mill ruins i just partied on a bench and let my mind wander then got paranoid of forest rape.
yeah we walked all the way to the centre of a forest for a shitty waterfall so fil could read a plaque about it.
fil took some lord of the rings tit pictures i don’t feel right having them in a post where i am talking about my dad, my mom would though, she has no ethics.
i just tried on all my bathingsuits and i am wearing the one i’ve had longest right now i am trying to get fil to drive us to a beach he says he doesn’t lie on beaches oh this is good to know almost three years into our relationship excuse me buddy i didn’t spend the last 3 or so months practising fucked up eating strategies and starvation tactics to lose 20lbs to NOT hang out in front of strangers all day in a tiny bikini.
there you go you lazy dicks it will feel like you are going through a maze instead of sitting in front of your computers touching your balls all day long.
we went to the island and i bought those redbull-sized cans of wine so the whole walking part wasn’t so boring i have a bullshit attention span like oh i’m still walking? my thighs are sore we walked almost the whole island despite fil saying no we didn’t fuck fil he thinks he knows everything. like this morning he rubs my leg and i tell him to stop he will rub off my tan and he tries to give me the what-for about how that isn’t possible WELL FIL YOU OBVIOUSLY NEVER HAD A FUCKING TAN BEFORE! after sitting in the tub for only a half hour if i rub my leg all this skin comes off. oh i think i got something from the tanning bed shut up don’t tell me i told you so, it’s a tiny red splotch on my stomache YES i laid down on my stomache i am going to the dermatologist next week anyway i have a thing growing on my shoulder that is probably cancer and now i have an std on my stomache for the dermatologist to party with whatever my body looks awesome i can handle anything as long as it’s not on my vagina. my mom thinks it might be a fungus maybe i’ll take a photo of it so you can all give me your freak me out diagnoses like when i mentioned my wisdom tooth dilemma remember how awesome that was yeah that was awesome.
anyway hi happy friday.
hey way to go you fucking penis.
oh jeez another winner.
leather jacket (way too hot for a leather jacket), hawaiian shorts, flaming yellow crocs, everyone’s on the scene tonite.
here i am in my i am an anime character phase, if you are ever curious as to how many times you will get laid with short hair versus long hair, please refer to this photograph. i believe i am 18 years old.
here i am wasted off my face in the uk age 17 going down the stairs on a roll of carpet, we were partying with some jersey boys, go figure. my parents sent me to england to stay out of trouble, sigh, parents. that was the nite i discovered malibu rum and coke equaled delicious.
taking it down a notch, here we have my brother and i partying in my grandparent’s backyard and look how psyched i am i look like a chinese boy.
here i am with rn, i am in grade ten and still loyal to my first boyfriend, but it’s super close to going to shit, he didn’t know that though. i loved those jeans so hard, levi stretch denim, i got em in black too, i wore them so much the inner thighs chafed away to nothing, they were so tight. those dyke shoes were from le chateau.
my grandpa and three amazing haircuts.
i call this one jailbait with bruce springstein look-a-like performer, he was hitting on me hard, dropping hints, i didn’t get it, my mom did though. i dumped my boyfriend a week after this bender weekend with my mom. yep, nice one dina lohan mom. i am three weeks from turning 16. that amazing creation of a shirt is from le chateau, bought it that afternoon and we met that rockstar supernova douchebag whatever his name is there’s a picture somewhere on my blog.
my dad is holding leaf tickets i am kinda miffed cos there wasn’t anything for me and my brother is hogging the smarties, fucker.
that balloon had crepe paper legs and we fought over it like mental cos we had to hold out for presents time, it got violent. the thing around my neck is from this thundercats rip-off stuffed animal i got from santa, some lion thing i wish i remember what it was called. my mom braided my hair the nite before i guess we were too poor for a crimper?
i wanted some tea-set privacy bad so i went to the den and poked myself in the eye then cried for a while and the rest of the family pictures from that day my eye is bloodshot wow the shit i remember.
oh look, more smarties he wants my attention and i am being all passive-aggressive, he is likely thinking of something mean to say about my drawing.
my room in oxford, i went on furniture/art-stealing heists at nite cos my room was huge and empty then it became the party room and everyone wrote on the walls, i have a super long irritating story remind me to tell about my first day in london it will make you want to kill someone.
me and grandma i don’t know what i am showing off you can see part of my brother’s gigantic cranium i try really hard to give him a complex about it.
also from the same bender with my mom weekend, the caption i wrote on the back of this is elevator. proof that everything is infinite + finite. HAHAHAHHAHAHHA.
there’s a missing clip where i am making an oh brother face it’s a close-up.
no one likes me cos no one is commenting on my blog i sound like my mother but anyway it’s true unless it is one person reading my blog 2000 times a day you are all fucking selfish dicks. bye.
