so this is the funniest blog in all of canada officially (again). hahahahaha sorry that in itself is wicked funny to me right now.
i am going on a shopping adventure later, fil wants me to wait for him i said no fucking way i need to get out of this apartment before i give myself bangs or something, i am going to buy a new dress for my party or new jeans, or likely both THAT’S HOW CRAZY I FEEL RIGHT NOW!
i think they were actually pot of gold chocolates.
i like when i write emo stuff cos i get a thousand emails from people telling me how miserable they are and how i am like joan of arc to them or something here is an email:
BRITNEY SPEARS SHAVED OFF ALL HER HAIR IN A TATTOO PARLOR. fil was like?? why are you telling me this now?? FINE he will feel really stupid when he sees the pictures of her.
i was sad cos i thought that i would never ever be able to learn how to use a computer.
The problem with communists is they act like bossy know-it-alls in a country where nobody has any power and information is banned. the girl i am talking about in the post is a cashier at whole foods.
so we didn’t go to fil’s work party because “i was sick”
here are a list of nationalities that i am not but people have once asked if i am in no particular order:
fil should be thanking me for breaking his camera because now he is a famous band photographer.
it’s a minfuck to be on the highway and see a backwards truck in front of you.
i love it when dudes are talking computers and they look at me like i don’t know anything then i join in on the conversation and correct everything they said 50/50 they die of boners on the spot or they get extremely defensive and competitive and repeat everything i said but re-word it then i’m like we are arguing the same side of the fence the only difference is you will never get a girlfriend bye.
ok i made an event for my art party this wednesday so join it and say you’ll attend if you intend to attend. it took over an hour to put together and invite everyone and i’m thinking the entire time this is pure bullshit more than half of these people won’t even attend i’m solely making this event to remind 4 people to come hahaha.
me: why don’t you come over here and hang out with the real thing?
meanwhile cid is purring and bonering all over fil’s presence like extreme hardcore in the hardcorest most extreme way ever my hair is on fire right now and fire ants are death marching at my feet and those guys are like meh?
oh yeah the point of this post BURN on the PATS!
we are in a fight because you made me miss my playboy the girls next door stories.
this is the longest i have been so sick for in the longest fucking time i am pretty much out of my mind beside myself right now cos of it, i haven’t really been “drunk” drunk all week but tonite it snuck up on me and i know i’m still pretty sick ‘n all but i’m basically like fuck it, fuck this, seriously. i can’t even cry about it anymore. ok yes i can. it’s kind of a blessing like how when you’re sick and you don’t feel like smoking so you decide to quit, well i pretty much don’t smoke anymore now regardless of this being sick shit, what i’m getting at is, cos of sickitude i haven’t been givin’er all that much this week save for tonite (which really wasn’t that much) despite feeling queasy all day and feverish and hot and clammy and a whole new fucking shade of ill on top of worst. period. ever.
see you this wednesday at the crooked star i swear to fuck i will make it a gong show just for you well mostly for me, but you know all this staying in and feeling wicked stir crazy, ungh sigh. i mostly stay in a lot anyway but when you are forced to stay in you just want to crawl out of your skin.
i just re-read this post and it sounds pretty loony tunes, sorry, i’m working on 5 hours of sleep each nite, last nite i woke up at 3.20 to the sound of a gnarly frat fight in the street that i shot up out of bed to watch from the window in my underwear shivering and snivelling and cowering until a car sped away then my adrenaline was surging and the dayquil and rockstars were doing their thing and i had to think myself down out of a panic attack and/or barfing while fil was happily snoring in my face, it took an hour to fall back asleep again then i awoke at 9.30 and was up for good bloodshot eyes silently weeping for myself like a fucking greek tragedy.
so war of the worlds was on last nite and the entire time i’m like fuck that kid (who plays tom cruise’s son) is SO michael j fox right now! and fil is all NO he is SO scott wolf right now!
who is right? choose WISELY you only get one vote! (per day)
if it wasn’t for my blog the world wouldn’t know i existed
yesterday i snooped through your stuff and i left some dynamite in your mom’s muff
and then i do a dramatic interpretive dance in a taupe leotard.
blogs are self-promoting cos they originated as and still are journals, go to your aunt’s house, find her journals, read them, who are they about? YOUR AUNT. a blog is the same but it is on a computer on the internet, get over it.
People have told me, family even, that i just have to fucking deal with it that i am never going to be famous or whatever so i should just suck it up and do something else. i have a lot of anger still about that, a lot of fuck yous to be handed out in the future, basically.
i said OK YOU CAN CUM IN MY HAIR and he said he could do that anyway i said no not anymore you can’t from now on you need permission then i realised i was speaking really fucking loud to the whole bar.
tomato sauce from the night before on my chin and scraggily rolled through a field down the longest hill ever on speed hair
then i was like what is this right now the bell jar?
and this is what fil’s face looks like the VERY second he begins to lecture me about something/correct me/disagree with me and explain in long dramatic BORING detail why i am wrong
i’m drunk off one glass of wine i refuse to not drink when sick i smite you sickness! anyway i just spent the last ten minutes arguing with fil about nutria and how i know they exist because of that show insomniac (we just watched dave attell’s captain miserable (favouritest comedian)) but anyway the point of this post is to tell you guys about how i figured out how to get fil to stop pissing me off whenever he’s doing something bad like tickling me putting his balls in my eyes farting on my lap and so on, all i have to say is I’LL DO SOMETHING YOU WON’T LIKE! and he screams NOOOO DON’T DOOO SOMETHING I WON’T LIKE! and immediately stops doing whatever heinous act he is amidst doing. in his anal uptight easy to upset sagittarius (you’re welcome leslie) mind when i make that vague threat he thinks the most alarmist of things like i’m going to:
STICK MY FINGER IN MY VAGINA (and i’m on my period) AND WIPE IT ON HIS LEG (ok i may or may not have already done that once as a joke) (he deserved it)
UN-HANG ALL OF HIS CLOTHES
TAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF HIS WALLET AND PUT THE CONTENTS SOMEWHERE “WACKY” (i know super harmless and no big deal right? WRONG!)
SMACK MY LIPS A FEW TIMES AND SIGH A LOT
LIE ON THE FLOOR AND SING IN FRENCH WEARING ONLY A T-SHIRT
you get the idea, anyway, if your bf is like fil, just threaten him that YOU will DO SOMETHING he WON’T LIKE and he’ll fuck right off asap, i promise.
