me: why don’t you come over here and hang out with the real thing?
meanwhile cid is purring and bonering all over fil’s presence like extreme hardcore in the hardcorest most extreme way ever my hair is on fire right now and fire ants are death marching at my feet and those guys are like meh?
oh yeah the point of this post BURN on the PATS!
we are in a fight because you made me miss my playboy the girls next door stories.
this is the longest i have been so sick for in the longest fucking time i am pretty much out of my mind beside myself right now cos of it, i haven’t really been “drunk” drunk all week but tonite it snuck up on me and i know i’m still pretty sick ‘n all but i’m basically like fuck it, fuck this, seriously. i can’t even cry about it anymore. ok yes i can. it’s kind of a blessing like how when you’re sick and you don’t feel like smoking so you decide to quit, well i pretty much don’t smoke anymore now regardless of this being sick shit, what i’m getting at is, cos of sickitude i haven’t been givin’er all that much this week save for tonite (which really wasn’t that much) despite feeling queasy all day and feverish and hot and clammy and a whole new fucking shade of ill on top of worst. period. ever.
see you this wednesday at the crooked star i swear to fuck i will make it a gong show just for you well mostly for me, but you know all this staying in and feeling wicked stir crazy, ungh sigh. i mostly stay in a lot anyway but when you are forced to stay in you just want to crawl out of your skin.
i just re-read this post and it sounds pretty loony tunes, sorry, i’m working on 5 hours of sleep each nite, last nite i woke up at 3.20 to the sound of a gnarly frat fight in the street that i shot up out of bed to watch from the window in my underwear shivering and snivelling and cowering until a car sped away then my adrenaline was surging and the dayquil and rockstars were doing their thing and i had to think myself down out of a panic attack and/or barfing while fil was happily snoring in my face, it took an hour to fall back asleep again then i awoke at 9.30 and was up for good bloodshot eyes silently weeping for myself like a fucking greek tragedy.
so war of the worlds was on last nite and the entire time i’m like fuck that kid (who plays tom cruise’s son) is SO michael j fox right now! and fil is all NO he is SO scott wolf right now!
who is right? choose WISELY you only get one vote! (per day)
if it wasn’t for my blog the world wouldn’t know i existed
yesterday i snooped through your stuff and i left some dynamite in your mom’s muff
and then i do a dramatic interpretive dance in a taupe leotard.
blogs are self-promoting cos they originated as and still are journals, go to your aunt’s house, find her journals, read them, who are they about? YOUR AUNT. a blog is the same but it is on a computer on the internet, get over it.
People have told me, family even, that i just have to fucking deal with it that i am never going to be famous or whatever so i should just suck it up and do something else. i have a lot of anger still about that, a lot of fuck yous to be handed out in the future, basically.
i said OK YOU CAN CUM IN MY HAIR and he said he could do that anyway i said no not anymore you can’t from now on you need permission then i realised i was speaking really fucking loud to the whole bar.
tomato sauce from the night before on my chin and scraggily rolled through a field down the longest hill ever on speed hair
then i was like what is this right now the bell jar?
and this is what fil’s face looks like the VERY second he begins to lecture me about something/correct me/disagree with me and explain in long dramatic BORING detail why i am wrong
i’m drunk off one glass of wine i refuse to not drink when sick i smite you sickness! anyway i just spent the last ten minutes arguing with fil about nutria and how i know they exist because of that show insomniac (we just watched dave attell’s captain miserable (favouritest comedian)) but anyway the point of this post is to tell you guys about how i figured out how to get fil to stop pissing me off whenever he’s doing something bad like tickling me putting his balls in my eyes farting on my lap and so on, all i have to say is I’LL DO SOMETHING YOU WON’T LIKE! and he screams NOOOO DON’T DOOO SOMETHING I WON’T LIKE! and immediately stops doing whatever heinous act he is amidst doing. in his anal uptight easy to upset sagittarius (you’re welcome leslie) mind when i make that vague threat he thinks the most alarmist of things like i’m going to:
STICK MY FINGER IN MY VAGINA (and i’m on my period) AND WIPE IT ON HIS LEG (ok i may or may not have already done that once as a joke) (he deserved it)
UN-HANG ALL OF HIS CLOTHES
TAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF HIS WALLET AND PUT THE CONTENTS SOMEWHERE “WACKY” (i know super harmless and no big deal right? WRONG!)
SMACK MY LIPS A FEW TIMES AND SIGH A LOT
LIE ON THE FLOOR AND SING IN FRENCH WEARING ONLY A T-SHIRT
you get the idea, anyway, if your bf is like fil, just threaten him that YOU will DO SOMETHING he WON’T LIKE and he’ll fuck right off asap, i promise.
I made a wild show of getting myself really drunk in a friend’s kitchen last night, and after falling asleep on her couch, I had a dream in which I was having dinner with you and phil and somebody else. Phil was especially friendly, but in general you made for very good dinner companions, as I imagine you would be in real life as well. I think I had this dream because my day had contained lots of music, drinking alcohol, cats, photographs, walking around, and food, all of which figure prominently in your blog. You should definitely start collecting these dreams whenever people report them to you. I think you could get a pretty interesting read on the psyches of a considerable number of people like that.
Cheers, Daniel
i did not watch ratatouille yet i DID watch the nanny diaries, another brilliant idea, it’s basically my goal in life to watch every garbage movie ever made when i am at my weakest. last nite it was balls of fury. i played some guitar hero 3 then i had a shower. i shaved my legs. shit’s exciting in these parts right now. we are going on an adventure once fil showers. i ate a honey garlic sausage on its own in tiny slices and put a few pieces of brie on some. good combo. i would put brie on anything. dfliayhewrg;unb jk ldfbnwrlak/
even when deliriously ill i still put on makeup i refuse to let myself go if i didn’t wear makeup i would looke like that garbage lady in labryinth.
oh my god i’m so stir crazy and sick sick sick i just want to die at this point and now i am on my full-blown menses yay!
i’m turning into one of those crazy ladies who takes pictures of giant birds that land on branches near their windows.
cid mewls his head off to be let into the towel closet everyday after lunch, i couldn’t bother yesterday (he can let himself in fucking lazy ass!) so he found an alternative.
earlier in the morning this dude was hanging around too.
stupid idea.
mushroom onion (fake) burger, v. good.
my mitts were stuffed in my hat and i forgot about it and this one guy passing by looked at me with raised eyebrows and i was thinking yeah i know it I’M HOT then go back inside to take off my hat and find my goddamn stupid stuffed mitts in there making it more dumb looking than usual.
i think i’m getting a fever.
i stabbed the inside of my right nostril from picking stuff out of there and now it is gushing blood. party.
canadiandesignresource.ca i pillaged this site of cute designs of all things canadiana made by canadian artists, all so darling. visit and scroll back through previous pages to find out what these things are, if not immediately obvious, or just for more info.
i just barfed my head off, it was quick and sudden, my favourite. i had two teas with honey and lemon and a teeny bit of milk, i’m thinking that combo was not a good choice and the pressure on my stomach/sides from coughing constantly for the last three days was like a bulimic just thinking about barfing and up the fountain came. i watched shrek the third and started live blogging it then realised how pathetic that was so i killed that post. i called fil and left a sucky voice message please come home wah wah i hope i don’t barf again. i’m going to have a bath and then maybe drag my ass to a clinic. last nite i made hot toddy’s but with whiskey instead of brandy, then felt nauseous for the rest of the nite. today rules! hey at least it’s a blizzard outside and i keep thinking i am going to be dead by the end of the day right?
i will likely watch ratatouille next after my bath. don’t be jeals.
we watched the invasion last nite. i want to be a skeleton like nicole kidman and wear tiny sweaters with teeny tiny belts around my waist.
i had a seizure when i was a toddler during a blizzard, i was dehydrated from barfing a lot due to an ear infection, so this barf/blizzard is bringing me some wicked mental images right now! that is all.
