so you know that episode of that 70’s show when they forget kitty’s birthday so they go out to the gas station and get her a balloon, a funnel, air freshener and a map, well, we recreated that shitty gift for fil’s mom last nite, no we didn’t forget her birthday, it’s actually today. haha i’m watching the part on youtube right now when she opens the funnel and red says COS I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE TO POUR THINGS. ahhahahahaahahah. they actually got her two balloons and NO car air freshener and eric suggests giving her a lighter when she starts to lose it, oh well close enough.
i went into this party store and requested one orange balloon please! practically bursting at the seams oh man oh man ask me why ask me why i want one orange balloon how wacky is that! she didn’t ask, i didn’t tell. 25 cents for a balloon by the way, a dollar 25 for it filled with helium. what a rip. by the time we left after dinner it was already deflating too.
when we were in canadian tire holding these items i proclaimed wow what an incredibly shitty gift. hysterical. when she opened it and was politely chuckling at the air fresheners i couldn’t contain myself so i explained it, we all watched the episode three weeks ago at dinner and fil’s mom said she would LOVE to get a funnel so i jabbed fil a bajillion times and made that creepy leery i am so smart open mouth lizard face like we are so going to give her that gift. her real present is play tickets ps. she thought the gift was really cute.
in grade 8 i had ESP.
how funny everyone had to fill out these imaginary high school course things and how many people dropped out entirely. ps. religion is in the grade 9 column because i went to catholic school and high school and then switched to public come grade ten thank fuck i mean jesus.
my niece made this, it’s rocky in his litter box.
my dad’s three heroes, jfk, john lennon and his father also named john.
my granpa’s old ride.
my parents, i stole this picture when i moved out at 19 and framed it even though they were separated, then i put paint on it cos i thought it was eccentric.
liz‘s painting arrived!! it’s taken from the picture i used for the cover of dear raymi. i am also baked in that photograph.
d’awwwww
desserts we got from fortino’s, mini cheesecake, portuguese custard, choc. something and raspberry crumble whatever.
oh here is something that ground my gears, stopped off at g’s to get some chips because, because i wanted them, anyway, these two white dweebs were having one of those loud show-off conversations and as i am paying the tall one with the gross beard says to his short hobbit pustule-faced companion I AM SO SICK OF BALLSY GIRLS ONES WITH UGH CONFIDENCE, I WANT ONES THAT KNOW THEIR PLACE! in my head i am exploding as i am counting out my perfect change and the woman is saying thank you, you paid, go away now basically, i lag a few secs while zipping up my purse, turn and give that guy the dirtiest look in the universe and he says AW COME ON DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT and i walk out. cos of that shooting i am trying to watch my p’s and q’s, but what i really wanted to say was YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER or GOOD LUCK WITH THAT or rip his stupid fucking beard out. the end.
i finally put that $50 De Serres gift card to use, and for fifty dollars and 2 cents i got three new acrylic paints and 7 big canvases, thank you anita HUG hug hugsicles!
i went for an audition yesterday, it went well i think, i had a nip of white wine before we left to calm my anxiety, and then when i got there they offered me more, and there was an open box of pizza (didn’t touch that) and all the dudes were crackin’ brews, they were all hung, i was pretty ON and thought oh man i am so hilarious right now these guys love me but as more time passes and i remember every single little thing i said i am cringing away like, i want to get inside my head and SQUEEZE my brain dry that kind of cringe. i’m sure they won’t even remember the things i said that WEREN’T CAPTURED FOREVER ON CAMERA oh fuck. maybe the fact they were hung will be on my side. i wore my red pants because the other outfit i wanted to wear was too office girl square according to fil plus he hates that high waisted skirt. i figured red pants would give me an edge. ok i have to stop obsessing over this i am driving myself crazy.
anyway then we went to the beac for late lunch early dinner however you look at it.
fil used his henry’s gift certificate and got a new compact flash card, thrilling i know.
how nice of these glasses to bring out the huge what is my nose.
i am so feeling white wine this summer fyi except for when i wake up the next day like where i’m at right now.
fil’s macaroni corn flakes wtf. last time they at least crumbled them up and crisped them.
my carpaccio, the thickest i have ever had, not that it was wicked thick, just compared to other kinds.
it gushed rain just as we were finishing up our food.
the 16×20 are packs of two for 6.99 totally great deal.
big one i cannot wait to decrease the value of by putting my garbage all over.
How to be a drunk asshole – FUCKING GOLD MAN! LAUGHED TO FUCKING TEARS!
I just randomly wrote on google: how to be a drunk asshole, AND WHAT THE FUCK, there was an actual article about it. Clicked it, started to read and MAN OH MAN I LAUGHED HYSTERICALLY, I MEAN FUCK! You know when you laugh so your stomiche burns from pain, that kinda laugh. Shit, I loved it and I posted it on my blog, it’s a swedish blog so dont bother. Man, CRED to your article. DUDE, I just clicked your name and you’re a fucking girl! I imagined some big, hairy dude sitting there typing that shit but you where fucking hot! Well, enough said, FUNNY SHIT RIGHT THERE, KEEP IT REAL!
Best wishes from Timmy Henriksson AGE 20, ripped and handsome.
hahah hey dude i totally forgot about that article til you just reminded me thanks for re-inflating my ego ya swede! ps. i was 18 when i wrote that i guess i should write a redux to it seeing as i now have several year’s worth of experience in the social boozing dept. behind me. haha fil is laughing at me right now cos i pretty much nailed the top 5 rules of asshole drunkenness last nite, to a Tee. well the top 4 really cos i didn’t get into any physical fights.
Top 5 Rules of asshole drunkenness
1. It’s always your turn to talk
CHECKMARK
2. You are always right
OBVIOUSLY!
3. You are the most intelligent person in the room
HOLY SHIT ARE YOU A MIND READER OH WAIT I WROTE THIS SO YES YOU/I ARE/AM WHAT!?
4. Nothing you do is stupid.
NOT EVEN THE PART WHEN I DRAGGED THREE STRANGER GIRLS TO THE ROOF PATIO OF PAUPER’S TO DRINK WITH US AND TOLD THEM THEY LOOKED LIKE LESBIANS AND SAT THERE IN THE POURING RAIN HOLDING MY UMBRELLA OVER THE ONE WHO’S BIRTHDAY IT WAS OMG HI YOU GUYS.
see:
5. Know when to get the fuck out of there because you’ve offended too many people and they outnumber your drunken ass.
one more why not
so. here i am. close to 2am. home from my b-day celebration which basically licked furry cooch, and i am stalking your blog. maybe cuz i need a grin? mybe cuz i need a bike tire-tube update? whatever the case, i just want to thank you for entertaining me every day (geez, can you tell i am a freshly 34 yr old nerd who desires salty snacks and just got stuck in the rain for 1/2 hr trying to hail a f’n cab?) anyhow. that is all. you are a rarity, doh, ray, mi. x
oh you are cute im sorry it rained on your birthday party and your party sucked it’s ok at least you turned 34 instead of 35 fil will be 34 in december we are all getting older le sigh at least it’s pouring right now for all those kids going to that stupid rogers picnic music festival today hahah
kathleen came by last nite and fixed my bikes and i helped, now i know how to change bike tubes yay.
she was impressed with how intact the tires were despite the peewee bike being left out in snow and rain for many years, no cracks at all. this one was my grandpa’s and is probably from the late 70’s, it was hung up on the garage wall so no rust or anything on it really, it just needed the front wheel to be realigned and the tires pumped up.
peewee bike tubes both needed to be replaced, they were both ruptured at the valve, can’t be patched.
white wine refreshments how dainty.
one of the tubes wasn’t even the right fit for the wheel size, kathleen is using these two plastic tool things (tire irons) that force the tire out one dig at a time, i helped too. at first she was like do you want to get dirty? i said of course, i worked in a hardware store for five years and i totally miss this type of thing. sigh.
skull valve cap noel gifted me many moons ago one day it magically appeared.
that rusted stuff is tape that goes all around the rim you check it to see if there is any tear around the divots (from the spokes) then you know what damaged the tube, if there’s no tear that’s good, then you know it’s something else.
the flowers i jammed under the seat are actually a lei i bought at canada’s wonderland, the streamers were on the bike when i bought it, one of them fell off sigh. the bell works and kathleen showed me how to twist the dinger thing with a wrench so it doesn’t kill your thumb duh after all this time, and it works better.
tube.
pumping that baby up.
i am so kelly kapowski right now.
omg bikes! thanks again so much kathleen! both are running fine and smooth i may just keep them both, we’ll see we’ll see. she says my grandpa’s i could get 200 for it just the way it is cos it has working gears and the whole vintage thing too, the other one is a bit more busted but also cosmetically it is cool looking and coveted so i could probably get 150 for it oh and of course the fabulous raymi owned this mark-up.
oh my god that is terrible and that outfit was inspired by roadhouse, it is especially uncomfortable to watch when you can hear the movement of my necklace and shoes ahh gah cringe.
like, what stupid thing i wore yesterday, lets keep it light and simple guys, fluff fluff fluff, scary things BAD, nice happy things GOOD, guns BAD, balloons GOOD etc.
hey guys lets get ripped on ganj and order pizzas!
surrussly.
i am toppling forward in this one wow you care.
brosz7kowski’s pulled pork we all made fun of and judged while he was out having a smoke.
my drunken rant about diva cups seemed blog worthy material according to matt, so much so that i wrote down these words on the back of one of my cards DIVA CUP MEN SAVE THE ENVIR. CIGARS SUVS i totally know what i said but can you tell from that?
we stumbled out of pauper’s last nite and happened upon this scene. it was eerily quiet, matt was loaded and rambling and i shushed him cos i was already heavy into eavesdropping and had overheard about 4 shots being fired, then matt accidentally burned me with his smoke and blamed it on me haha right. anyway we stood around for awhile and i debated how tacky it would be to take pictures, i waited a good ten minutes i’ll have you know. when we first arrived only one ambulance was there then within moments police tape was up city tv shows up and cops and ambulances everywhere.
before the tape went up people were just walking right up to the bleeding dude and saying dumb shit.
here’s a video of meds putting him on the stretcher, he was shot in the arm, and was screaming his head off when we first showed up. the girl who was shot is up the street on brunswick where are the other ambulances were.
aw i sent my dad a link to this post and he said this
Hi Lauren … that’s scary …. please be careful . Your brother has Hailey this weekend … I’m leaving the office now for my little Suburban town weekend . Our Band plays at a Street Dance next Saturday … **** got a new job ********* ….. Eveyones talking about the new Batman movie .
this cool ass chick is coming by tomorrow to help fix my bikes, she works in a bike shop, omg bikes! she is even bringing me a lock (i’m paying for the lock) and she’s doing the fixing for free all i gotta do is buy her a drink also she is buds with my cuz cuz they went skinny dipping together TMI? she also told me how to get the rust off, bike lube (hahah) oil? and steel wool. once they’re both square and i ride around for a bit i’ll decide which one i want to keep. just thinking about both of them i feel like a total bike hog i am picturing myself floating in the air all around them in a circle and then they are ghost riding me standing up on their seats like water skis EXCEPT BIKES DO NOT RUIN THIS MOMENT FOR ME. i will also ask her how much they are worth. my friend matt doesn’t want a peddle braked bike so it’s pretty much up for grabs *if* i decide i can bear to part with it. the other one was my grandfather’s so i don’t even know if i can part with that guy.
haha look at cid waiting for fil if you are able to take your eyes of the vision what is my ass.
everyday around the time i do my hair and make-up i become invisible to cid as he sits and meditates by the door, attempting to transmit COME HOME NOW signals to fil. we are both pathetic losers for fil, as long as one of us is doing the mental chanting it’s fine by me. though i can’t help but be slightly insulted, i mean, i deal with his shit all day long, we make buds, i pay him some attention, give him lunch, arrange a fort or two no biggie but then come after work time i am a nobody. SOB.
me: no i am too fat for licks i mean yes i want it
mbroszkowski: I went and got a turkey burger for lunch today on a whole wheat bun
me: mmm and?
mbroszkowski: fries and soda water
me: no i mean where is this story going i thought u were going to say there was a rat in it so u got a coupon what is this coupon for if i have to buy something then u can fuck off with this coupon
mbroszkowski: no, I got it from a friend of mine, you have to buy fries and a drink and you get a burger for $1
me: what a sham
mbroszkowski: you still save like $5
me: well i dont eat fries and i dont drink pop unless there is booze in it so do i just print out a million of those coupon emails
mbroszkowski: exactly I drink soda water, I rarely drink pop too sweet
me: do they even have soda water at fast food chains
mbroszkowski: you don’t eat fries????? since an hour ago?
me: soda water with syrup in it
mbroszkowski: yes, every chain has soda water
me: oh well that time we ate poutine doesnt count cos we were in a dive bar
mbroszkowski: so when was the last time you had fries before then?
me: um the last time was also a time with u at the tap cos sass ordered poutine if someone says the word poutine near me or shows me it written on a menu and im drinking im fucked
mbroszkowski: that’s like me and mcdonalds
me: i only eat garbage if i am drunk or hung
mbroszkowski: me too
me: which is all i ever really am
mbroszkowski: hahaha I have occasional lapses though today I was trying to be as healthy as possible even though it was licks
me: like when we kept using the mcdonalds bathroom on canada day i wanted to buy a big mac everytime ok we have to stop talking about this right now
mbroszkowski: hahaha ok one last thing, I hate that I’m cursed with one at queen and spadina, ever since I moved there my drunken mcdonalds intake has like quadrupled
