and i have a chill BRRR i say, as well as fuck this!
not to freak you out or anything but last nite fil and i ordered our first PORNOOOOOOOO and it was TERRIBLE. we decided to scrimp on the price and went with this 5.99 number called 18 and F—able with the uck dashed out exactly like that. my review is this 1. these chicks were NOT 18 and 2. SICK! it was pretty obscene for us, we’re used to telemundo or showcase’s soft core lame shit or their reality shows that we’ve already seen every episode of so being confronted by this real deal business was a shock, on top of zero plot or acting, straight up doing it, raunchy, blah i’m so prudish now. anyway, we fast forwarded all of it with our clothes on and any arousal prior to this piece of shit was taken away. i was pissed because just before ordering i said we should just put my laptop on and check out youporn or redtube, which is what we did only after the fact. it took forever clicking through amateur bullshit to settle on something to be inspired by.
next time i think we should just buy a dvd.
also before all this we watched this doc from 1995 called wired for sex, about the INTERNET and CYBERSEX and TECHNOLOGY and if you have rogers on demand go to tv entertainment under cbc and order it free, you’re welcome for the laughs.
if fil had his own show it would be clips of him watching the history network and discovery channel with cid in his lap and then at the end there would be a funny little comic penned by me called THE ADVENTURES OF CIL & FID! and it would be about the same thing.
steph came over last nite and we watched the devil’s advocate FOR HER FIRST TIME. we ate doritos and beef patties and drank boxed white wine compliments of philogynist. indigestion kicked in around 1 in the morning. wicked. steph brought me her leather jacket from le chateau, she got herself a new one, anyway she is teeny tiny and the thing actually fits me. leslie texted me a pic of my frye boots yesterday TORTUROUS! they look so dreamy, i pretty much have to block out an entire afternoon just so i can sit and imagine myself float-hovering over the city of toronto wearing steph’s jacket and those boots. yes i have to schedule scumbag loafing time on top of other scumbag loafting time. i have to meet with the curator for my art show in an hour, i’ve already tried to get out of it cos i am professional like that, i left a few emails and called a number that rang forever and ever and left a message, so after we meet she will have the pleasure of reading my nice get out of jail messages – WINNER i am holding my finger up in the air right now doing the symbol for #1 you better believe it. well at least i showered. i pretty much need a whole new wardrobe cos nothing fits now that i am turning into skeletor. i have this blemish on my neck i demanded fil to help extract yesterday when he got home from work, then he sterilized a pin in front of me over a lighter and it freaked me out, i let him poke at it for a bit then got the heebie jeebies and made him stop. oh yeah back to the reason why i mentioned wardrobe, i’m wearing these pants right now that fil hates, i like ‘em, probably because they are probably the longest relationship i have ever endured or ever will, these pants have been with me through thick and thin, wow that’s stupid. oh yeah i also wanted to say that i am coming to feel pretty guilty over all the times i have written about my laundry nemesis, i finally realised that she has no choice but to do laundry every day, it’s part of her job, initially i thought she was just crazy for laundry, but really it is part of her daily routine being the maid for someone in this building, i’m still not keen about the waste of water and electricity everyday though. i had an ah-ha! moment the last time i went down there and she was folding some shit, i wanted to reach out so i made this stupid sigh and said SO MUCH LAUNDRY and she chuckled and said it is never ending and so i said yeah that’s why i save it all up i hate doing it and then bingo, your hero realised that she is a retard (that’s me) cos i’m pretty sure laundry nemesis would like that luxury as well. that, or i spend entirely way too much fucking time pondering elaborate scenarios of other people’s lives who forget me the second i leave the room.
fil wanted me to rave about the soup he made us the other nite that i failed to take a picture of, it was roasted red peppers that he roasted over a blazing fire in the park, browned onions from onions he also grew in the park and successfully hid from hobos, junkies and bad kids, chicken stock from a rotisserie chicken we annihilated god knows when that fil elaborately boiled the bones, skin and remnants of then froze for a month or so in the freezer, um, tomatoes he hand-picked off the vine that the smell BRINGS HIM BACK to the memories of his youth, hot sauce, other stuff lovingly combined in a pot ALL FOR ME THANK YOU FIL THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!
*oopdate – rescheduled curator meeting. this is good so i can actually finish more paintings in time.
creatively lately i’ve been feeling kinda, blah, i’ve been having panic attacks, wigging out for no reason, i’m almost entirely certain it is booze related (edit* also it runs in the fam BIG TIME). i’m gonna have to seriously take’r easy cos i do not want a repeat performance come the nite of my art opening, yeesh. i might even need a ‘script for housewife chill pills, my mom is trying to lure me back to the wild world of anti-depressants, no fucking way, this isn’t depression i’m dealing with, it’s just straight-up anxiety. anyway, cos of the creative zap it’s harder to make dick jokes here for you, so instead i give you these interview questions i just answered for a profile for some other site whatever not important.
1) When did you start your blog, and why?
I started my blog in 2000, I have an obsessive/creative nature and I quickly found that blogging was a perfect outlet for that, at the end of the day if I still had a ton of steam to blow off I’d hit up the ole internet and write about something stupid that happened to me that day, I also saw the potential to become “known” and to practice being funny.
2) What is your favourite aspect of blogging?
There are no rules, no boss to answer to, it’s freeing.
3) How does your blog represent Canada?
Well by the places I habit and mention it is obviously a canadian blog, I don’t think my life is extraordinary or anything compared to other canadian’s lives, I don’t doubt there are thousands more interesting canadians out there leading crazier lives, the only thing is are they blogging about it or not? I am a bit perplexed by this question, I think it’s funny. Am I properly canadian enough? Does my blog prattle on about canadian politics? Fuck no.
4) What do you hope that your readers take away from your posts?
nothing, there isn’t really a grand statement to it, some come away incensed to all hell while others are inspired to start up their own little blogs. I see my blog as a way to kill boredom for me and for you and if some days there is a bit of genius to it, awesome.
5) What tips do you have for new Canadian bloggers?
Why just Canadian? hahah. Depends what you are wanting to gain from your blogging experience. If you are into crafts, lots of pictures of your creations, people love to live vicariously through your work. Don’t overdo it, don’t try too hard, don’t bombard people with a ton of crap and then get pissed when no one reacts, don’t be long-winded unless you’re being interesting and are certain people are still with you come paragraph seventeen, unless your story is New York Times height interesting, shut up.
6) Do you use any other social networks (twitter, facebook, etc)?
facebook, but i was just permanently forced into the new one, once any site changes its platform for the “better” or “newer” that means the glory days are over, seriously, i have about 30 unread messages in fb, it’s only good for creating events and alerting people to what’s going on but even then it’s a waste of time cos everyone clicks ‘maybe’ and never shows. You should never force your users to evolve when they’re not ready for it, facebook is myspace for conformists who worry what people think and as for twitter, ugh, if your blog needs a blog that’s a bit much no?
7) Tell me a bit about your book (and others that you may be working on), and how it relates to your blog.
My first book Marketable Depression is basically about how when I was younger I was depressed then did some drugs, dated some assholes, went crazy etc etc. I have another one that’s going to be published soon as a chapbook, just excerpts from a larger story, I don’t actually know which parts the editor is choosing, i feel a bit distanced from when i initially wrote it cos it’s been awhile since i’ve looked at it, once that’s out i’m going to republish the rest in its entirety. I feel a bit stressed thinking about it, I feel like I should be focusing more on my writing and I don’t. Writers constantly feel guilt over not writing and all eventually kill themselves, whether by drink or other hands-on means. Right now I’m getting together pieces for an art show october 7, i’m focusing on that.
8) How would you classify your blog?
Basically my blog is what the inside of my brain looks like – narcissistic, bipolar, obnoxious and constantly embarrassed by all of it.
