they turned the a/c off in our building and flipped the heat on, it’s central air so we have no idea how to control it i feel like i am going through fucking menopause right now it’s like the time in woodstock we had a fire blazin’ (at nite) last indian summer and we were overheated to the max all week long my face was flushed i’m pretty sure i blew a few braincells from the heat alone but then the last day leslie realised the heat had been on all week long for some reason. it also is like that friends episode when the heat is cranked and stuck and ruins everything i am sitting here in my bikini top and underwear right now with chapstick smeared practically all over my face cos my lips are dried out from all this DRY HEAT what is this the desert? did i miss the arizona old folks newsletter?
geezer next door was givin’ it bad to the lady yesterday i almost called the old people police hotline, i’m not sure if it’s his mother or wife or sister now, i didn’t intervene cos i so cannot deal with stress right now but i have decided that the next time i go out to water the plants and she is doing her back and forth pacing rounds on the balcony i am going to pop my head around the barrier and ask her if she needs help, i have practicing the tone in which i plan to deliver this sentence, it must be just so so she doesn’t get her back up all defensive like women in abusive situations are oft to do for fear of more abuse. he was yelling at her about a sponge and where did she put the goddamn sponge and when she tried to answer he screamed SPEAK SPEAK IDIOT and yelled at her about how it was better before she moved in all in this disgusting tone, i stood there with my door open as still as stone. maybe i could go down to the super and say something?
this concludes the raymi times for now.
oh wait get this, steph and i have boycotted one of my local variety stores because we were 12 cents short on change for a bag of doritos that cost $3.94 (so jacked up) after we counted out all the change between us guy was like sorry no you are short so we had to give him a twenty SO STEAMED after all the business given to your crappily stocked store you cannot budge on this overpriced bag of doritos? awesome. i’m not even going to shop there on labour day (when i’m desperate) or christmas or any of those holidays you are open. he stood there while i dumped my purse on the counter and fished through every pocket corner for dimes and pennies for five minutes only to deny us, total cock!
we watched doomsday and it was most gratuitous in the pointless blood explosion dept. we knew we were in for a good ride when a fucking rabbit was shot and obliterated just to prove to the viewer that the guns on the wall were operated by censors. i have til tonite to watch and record that scene, my favourite in the whole movie, every time i played it over in my head throughout watching the movie i silently convulsed and shook the couch. i was also into how everything exploded in flames and blood a la simpsons shopping cart going off a cliff, makes total sense right? have any of you seen diary of the dead, is it terrible? i’ve read the synopsis of it a billion times in our movie guide, i don’t even want to know what our next rogers cable bill is going to be.
on another note, do you ever feel like you would get along with the lady on the phone who places your pizza order, like, you’ve asked so many questions about me and i know nothing about you, come on go, your turn cynthia, dish!
just kidding.
not really.
last nite’s operator asked me a thousand questions about my address like, thanks for making me obsess for 40 minutes or less over whether or not my pizza is going to be sent to etobicoke and why do you need my apt. number i gave you my buzzer, is the delivery guy gonna come up and share a root beer with us?
i just went for a nice little emo walk around the neighbourhood, forgot my camera, regretted it, so many things i noticed in the sun that would have made great photos, here let me try and post a picture in the form of WORDS AND MEMORY
photo 1: A PINK JELLY SPARKLY BICYCLE HANDLEBAR GLISTENING IN THE SUN
photo 2: 30 WHITE PORCELAIN TOILETS LAID OUT ON AN ENTIRE DRIVEWAY OF A BUILDING
photo 3: BLARING RED LEAVES ON EVERY OTHER TREE I PASSED AMPED UP BY SUNSHINE
photo 4: MY SHOES
photo 5: MY LEGS AND SHOES
photo 6: MY COFFEE
photo 7: THREE CURLS OF RIBBON, YELLOW, BLUE, PINK, IN A BUSH
photo 8: ONE OF THOSE BUSHES WITH RED BERRIES SPRINKLED ALL OVER, THE ONES THAT IF YOU SLAM THEM ON THE PAVEMENT THEY EXPLODE INTO CLEAR STICKY GOOEY SAP, SUMAC BERRIES? THEY HAVE TO BE POISONOUS
photo 9: A VAN WITH GRAFFITI TAGGED ALL OVER IT
i think that was all i noticed, see, it’s just not the same.
this (with all due respect) over the hill blogger says that a ouija board is an inappropriate gift for a little girl (ten year old).
1. he’s biased cos he believes in the lord and 2. how is using your imagination inappropriate? ps. raising spirits and predicting the future is about as real as god is.
in grade 6 we had this fair fundraiser in the gym to raise money to go toward a school trip and me and this girl were going to read people’s fortunes, we brought in scarves and a red lightbulb and i even brought my ask zandar crystal ball (i was going to heavily rely on it) anyway, the nite before the sale this guy i was “going with” casually tells his mom about the fundraiser, she asks what it’s all about, he tells her about the various tables that would be there and says there’s going to be a fortune teller, i guess he was proud that his new gf was going to be predicting the future? anyway, this lady flips out and calls my teacher, blathering on about the evil of magic and how it goes against catholicism and so on, meanwhile my teacher that year was notoriously religious and she saw no problem with this jokey little fortune booth but anyway, parents always win (you assholes) so the fortune table was shut down. teacher told us that morning so we got to mill about uselessly the entire afternoon and made zero dollars.
the point is, you stupid fucking hypocrites can believe in god and heaven and hell but you poo poo psychics and clairvoyants and ouija boards? how arrogant and deluded you are.
that was pretty much the beginning of my athiesm right then and there, the funniest thing is he had to fess up to me about it and i had to be all oh naw naw that’s cool no biggie. meanwhile i was tangenting my face off over some crazy religious parent and he had been silently taking it all day. i didn’t fully mind cos i was wearing this brand new slutty cheerleader skirt my mom just bought me for my birthday and i snuck it to school so i got to walk around the gym all afternoon showing off.
that dude later made out with a girl from another school at a party i didn’t go to weeks later and my friends found out about it and forced him to tell me and it took all my mental powers not to show it affected me then later on that day at recess the fuckin’ girls walked to our school and called me over to the fence to further torment me, didn’t care they all had crimped hair and looked like gina from boy meets world – the only thing i cared about was that i had decided to keep my gym shorts on and my long sleeved striped grunge shirt and had a greasy ponytail ‘do that day = zero game. fuck grade 6!
blythe drawing was a disaster had to paint over, you can still see through the orange too, this canvas was annoying to paint also a speck of dirt cast a shadow on one part of it making it look like a dark smudge, i may or may not have spent five minutes trying to cover up the shadow of something that wasn’t even there.
lots of do-overs, maybe my show should be called second chances.
fil says he cannot believe that his first EVER box of salt purchased is almost empty, i know, stop the presses.
this time for real i am taking a steak break, i don’t think it’s entirely healthy choking down all that bloody meat, no wonder my heart feels like it’s going to explode every time i lie down.
nice shirt becky, you can’t tell in this picture but it was super big like a tent, going for the gypsy slutty androgynous look i guess.
the stir crazy got me so we went to kilgour’s where everyone seemed to be wasted and out on the patio this old white guy ripped the longest volcano eruptive fart and it traveled down to my end of the bench, fil was trying to tell me a story and i kept smirking, which annoyed fil and he’s like what what i’m like CAN’T TELL YOU YET KEEP TALKING, fart machine’s date was in the john and he was totally looking at me for a reaction i could tell from the corner of my eye. this is what i have learned about stealth farting and benches: NON-EXISTANT. if you are trying to silent fart away the last 3 pints you chugged don’t do it sitting on a bench cos the chick on the other side of the patio will know. also, after he unleashed this minute long bowel-emptying blast there was a brief nothingness and then one good singular after shock came out. gross. his date was loads younger and cocked to fuck, i was trying to deduce if she had tourettes or was just that drunk. i think he could tell i was disgusted by his watering the crap out of her cos once she started whining for a whiskey he distracted her out of it.
it got chilly so we went inside where i eavesdropped on some more fab conversations. we were trying to figure out the scene at kilgour’s, kz help me out here, my prediction is that these regulars used to hang there say 10 years ago at least, then they left the annex to do their worldly bidding and all eventually funneled back again to establish the regular homey vibe what is kilgour’s, all white comfortable in their skin oblivious to their cheesiness get-up, not all of them, but you know what i mean, white dude dreadlocks, stereotypical snooty artist crowd, very the real world, that’s the only comparison i got. late 20s-mid-30s crowd, i call it annex syndrome and i can say that cos i live here.
but more importantly, why do i care? derno, guess i should save that question for my future therapist. i think i’m pointlessly suspicious and curious of everything, i’m certain there’s deeper meaning to all the goings-on around me and it’s a constant battle to shut it all out. jesus, just be happy i don’t live on queen w hahaha, too easy.
then we left cos i wasn’t anywhere close to drunk and everyone else was doing shots and bla bla blahing their heads off.
i think i’ll give this little chap a fine suit of blue.
we watched the killing of john lennon, my thoughts are just pure rage and sadness, someone at the movie store put a note on the cover of one of the copies which is why i rented it, saying you could not take your eyes off it, dude who plays chapman is amazing etc and so forth – i disagree because it actually took us two days to watch it, v easy to take my eyes off, and the chapman squire repulsed me so much, i suppose that’s the point. i find it hard to admire the guy who is playing the villain in movies, hard to separate, unless it is a dark comedy. which i guess is ironic coming from me seeing as i am basically the villain of blogging.
this shirt rules cos it makes me look stacked and when i bend over you can see my nipples then fil rushes over to cover me up cos i apparently am a lady all of a sudden?
this is happening sort of near my hood right now, i’ve been hearing a gauntlet of helicopters and firetrucks for the past hour, i’m too lazy and skidly to get on my bike and ride over to check it out, kz has pictures on her blog. she says it’s a 4 alarm fire now! what does that even meeeeeeean? is it like a pot of chili or something?
ok back to sunday…
went to my dad’s to celebrate my niece’s 10th birthday, holy hell i am gettin’ old, i thought i would be 20 forever. anyway, late as usual, decided to drop in at the cheese boutique to get some road snacks, the gardiner was closed we had to take bloor for a long while. in this box are three truffles, 2.99 plus tax each, we almost ate one.
fil bought stinky cheese, i would make a vagina joke here but, uh nevermind, there was a sample table when we walked in and that sealed the deal for fil.
quebec genoa, if you can find yourself some of this DO IT, i like it mild, it is so tasty, get them to slice it super thin, this is five dollar’s worth.
do you know how many ramones comparisons i have been receiving since i was 19 GOD guys shut up already SO original. hailey at least thinks i am the coolest person in the universe.
fil socializing as usual.
peanut butter and jelly truffle, i’m sure a lot tastier the fresher it is.
the white/brown one is double latte, i had a teeny bite it was good, the other one is english toffee, derno what it was like.
we did some soda pop experiments, holy crap disgusting, the final two flavours we invented weren’t too bad. i’m sure her mother will be pleased with that gift haha.
gave her some of my gypsy necklaces, turning her more into me.
the thing my brother is holding was favoured by all, shit got violent, as predicted when i bought it. i’m surprised no one lost an eye.
the most ADD game of operation ever holy crap.
so we hit up the R L and i just realised red lobster has the same initials as Raymi Lauren and i also just realised that maybe my mother drank during her pregnancy, KIDDING.
oh score they’re hiring!
the 45 minute wait is totally responsible for my mini-meltdown wig out, i just got tired of all the old whities’ eyes on me and started panicking about eating greasy buttered seafood and worried i would think myself nauseous and i was overcome with body heat flushness, it happened to me like 4 years ago at home once, i am basically turning into my nana and my grandmother all at once.
we had this entire bar waiting area to ourselves and then it filled up big time and ps. red lobster was my niece’s idea, birthday girl rules. then all of a sudden my nana walks around the corner and i go NANA and my brother burst out laughing then i was like ok guys i have to leave NOW i have no appetite then everyone was focusing on me and all concerned, ugh, so just as i was kissing my niece goodbye our little table electronic coaster lit up so i sucked it up and took half a lorazepam and ordered a brew. i just get overwhelmed, that is the long and short of it.
popcorn shrimp fil and i shared, for as pricey everything is they overload you with salad and bread and your choice of sides. ps. sorry this was so underwhelming i know you guys all hoped my big secret never before experience would be akin to riding a flying unicorn.
the old couple behind my dad in the corner were wearing matching hyper pink/purple windbreakers!
there is no way in hell i could have handled seafood at ten, i don’t think i had my first shrimp til i was like 13.
it is more intense in real life, at least we didn’t go to swiss chalet, no? even though i love swiss chalet.
i’m actually trying to reason with him right now that i will feed him in 1 second so i can hit publish and get this stupid post up.
it’s true, fall is my favourite season, i have written many things in my journal about it, all gay, all true. it makes me feel sad and dreamy and sentimental, it’s the shortest season which makes it SO INTENSE. it’s the best time of year for fashion and no i don’t mean your fashion, i mean my fashion, which consists of the same bag lady sweater i’ve had crinkling up on my hanger for years, stupid jeans that don’t fit right, and toques, omg toques. i’m gettin’ pretty tired of all these fuckin’ fashion blogs fyi, yeah yeah we love clothes i get it, but seriously, so frivolous and pointless to write about it all the time, take a relax pill maybe? i’m into finding a few classic cheapie pieces and hangin’ on to the shit out of them for years and rolling down hills of leaves in them, getting dirt all over, twigs in my monster hair and actually enjoying myself. anyway, i am pretty sure this is martha stewart’s favourite time of year as well, i bet she is making a wreath right now in fact and mulling some cider and sewing dancing pumpkins on some wool socks MARTHA I LOVE YOU.
my fall soundtrack consists of led zeppelin and that’s it, zeppelin and longboarding in oakville and my grandma’s house and riding into town or walking into town at nite taking a different route every time and then meeting up with fil at a pub and staring at him like that woman who lied about being kidnapped or whatever that story was about.
i was pretty thin when i met fil which made crazy fall outfits ten times easier, when you have long hair and a big mouth you can essentially wear any old tickle trunk outfit – it’s v hard to pull that off in the heat of summer but i give you props for wearing a scarf and a t-shirt when it’s 28 degrees and when i say props i mean silently guffawing my head off.
fall is for lovers, sears catalogue lovers, THAT is fall.
this is the most selfish time of year for me and i am insanely protective of it i don’t know how to explain it, it’s my last dance before months of stir snow crazy, it’s walks in rattlesnake point, rosy cheeks and sweaty backs under your little jacket. the beginning of hibernation and thoughts of couch surfing and horror films and beers.
oh man don’t get me started on indian summer.
another reason i dig it so much is cos i usually waste summer, as much as i say i am doing summer right, i always do it wrong. fall is summer redux, SWEATER SET VERSION.
fall is vintage, and vintage is nostalgia, and nostalgia is the past and SORRY I CAN’T HELP MYSELF.
