um i have not see ONE fucking pigeon or rat you passive aggressive little babies. next time put in your notice something about loud abusive yelling THEN i will consider not feeding my little friends. yeah and thanks for the lesson about bird germs. see how i am treated in this place? hahaha. right now the squirrel is enjoying some popcorn sitting on top of the zero gravity lounger ACTUALLY staring in at me to tell me he needs more food, not kidding.
-snow white
sliced my finger on tin foil, like a paper cut EXCEPT TINFOIL guess how great that felt! i was secretly thrilled because it gave me an opportunity to use my new my little pony band-aids.
cid’s ears go flatter than that when he sees the squirrel.
how is that even comfortable for you?
learning matt’s camera, it’s coming along. ps. fil JUST got that new canon 5D mark ii that all the camera pervs are sweatin’ about. apparently thousands of people are waiting for this thing, like it’s the iphone of cameras. L-O-S-E-R-S. i am ten times more invisible now. thank you 5D.
amazingly tasty president’s choice tandoori chicken wings, the cause of my injury.
+++
cocaine much? how’s whitney? i dare you to watch this to the very end.
check out In My Bed Magazine, they’re new and did a little feature on me in the november issue that i was too lazy and selfish to bother linking to/mentioning. they are always looking for submissions, talent, you know, stuff magazines do/want.
so tomorrow is fil’s christmas work party that i said yes we should attend, one part due to curiosity (what do these people look like?)(and i should let these people see what i look like, it’s only fair) and one part novelty, ok mostly novelty, and yes i am nervous about it. they know his girlfriend of four years is an artist of some sort and a writer with a popular website, they have nagged him for the url and he has been adamant about denying them access. basically i’m going there with zero material, which is great for this situation (not really) when your personality is uh colourful it’s kind of hard to be comfortable in a work atmosphere setting. when they talk shop i am going to be grinning my brains out and nodding so hard i’ll set off the fire alarm. fyi work nerds it is rude to socially alienate your co-worker’s spouse, and i know you don’t do it intentionally, you just have fuck all to say to this stranger. it’s kind of insecure.
i went to a work xmas party of fil’s before a few years ago, different company, i was bigger then and my hair was selma blair short = NO GAME. plus i was wearing a really bad dress. sometimes you think eccentricity will carry you that last mile, and sometimes yes it will and does, but mostly, sorry, it so doesn’t. in this situation especially. no one “gets” your babysitter potato sack dress because their focus exists in the corporate world alone. all they “get” is that you look dumpy and unladylike.
i cannot say the word raymi once tomorrow nite, i get to stumble over my words and accomplishments and what i normally have ten answers for i must tone down to one, or two. luckily at our table there will be a talker, you know you say something about a sprinkler and turns out this person invented irrigation.
your partner’s work function is NOT your place to shine which i guess is the root of my fascination of attending, smile nod, smile wider, show teeth, agree agree agree – because it is the complete opposite of who and what i really am, i feel like i am acting for the nite. i dunno, i get off on uncomfortable situations perhaps?
i feel fraudulent all the time, i feel inadequate all the time, i feel everything all the time, so whatever.
this was supposed to be a goofy little guide now it’s just a note to self, really.
i do not plan to compromise my entire existence don’t worry, i will wear my frye boots with this dress, i don’t know what sweater/shrug to wear with it though, my friend said if i pair my new belted sweater with this i will get cut eye from the office women, don’t know why though, maybe cos it would be bordering on that eccentricity shit i was talking about.
safe topics of discussion are cute/funny non-offensive viral videos on the internet, when someone brings up that fucking lion hugging its long lost owner video, do not say you saw it ten million years ago, subtly fill in the story gaps like you just remembered them yourself. do not talk politics. only do sarah palin impression if fil says so. don’t drink too much. do not dance. period. don’t cry when you see other couples dancing and poke fil incessantly under the table and sternly whisper in his ear about why he NEVER EVER dances with you. when fil says it’s time to go, GO. (i have a problem with instantly liking certain people too much and bonding with them when i first meet them thus swatting away fil’s hand when he gestures it’s time to leave) get drunk on the couch (instead of at the work party) watching snl. good nite.
fil and i had comped VIP tickets (thanks stephen!) for second city last nite and it was such a blast, especially the drunk loud annoying chick who would not stop imparting her shitty comments upon the room every two minutes, or the two hippopotamus yanks who sat directly behind us, no offense, but these peeps were the dumbest people ever. everything was explained to us but they still asked each other questions, how lost are you dude? YES they are miming ping pong. YES they are talking about canada. YES he is pretending to be a midget ps. STOP COUGHING ALL OVER FIL’S HEAD COVER YOUR MOUTH.
it felt magical to be there knowing how many famous canadian comedians have graced that stage, if you have any sort of love for this country you really must go at least once in your life. plus there is free improv once the show wraps, on thursdays and saturdays and some other nite too i think.
matt let me borrow his camera, it’s a lot bigger than my little guy, a few others have been offering up theirs, you guys are so nice thanks.
check dan akroyd’s cig, so cool danny!
i just want to hug all of these people it makes me crazy, i want to throw a quilt on top of martin short and carry him home.
speaking of drinking and depression, kind of a prerequisite for comedy.
they had a drink called the delorean and the fartooni and they were blasting 80’s music when we got there, such a time-warp. i even saw some oshawa haircuts haha.
i went for an assessment today and it was cleansing, i was super nervous beforehand, but all in all i feel good about it now. i’ve decided to be truthful and not sugar coat things or reveal my website this time though if this person is savvy enough they could just google me – i don’t want it to turn into me performing for an hour from a chair and making zero progress whatsoever. i haven’t had a THE RAPIST in a long time. basically i want to get to the bottom of my anxiety which is a direct result of my drinking which is a direct result of my depression and bipolar mood disorder. wheeeeeeeeeeeeee.
a lot of people suffer from anxiety and are ashamed and embarrassed by it, i know sometimes i feel extremely guilty about inconveniencing others so i keep it to myself and that is such a stupid idea. you cannot possibly fix a situation if you hide it and do nothing about it.
here’s the thing, i’m not ashamed of therapy or afraid of it, i do feel a bit sheepish walking into the building though like a fluorescent red arrow is hovering over my head, ugh, but then i get inside and see people far worse off looking than i then i think ok what’s that guy have, crack, methadone addiction, gambling? then i think ok shut up focus on yourself and this magazine and then i look at the models and think yeah she is so on pills, anyway, point being, we are all fucked up in our own special way, so get the fuck over it if you ever want to make anything of your life.
i’ve been self-medicating for years and i realise the drunk glorification cuteness window is pretty much coming to a close, as someone recently told me drinking is now a necessity (for her) which i relate to way too much, so if something isn’t done about it now before my face turns into amy winehouse’s i’m going to be in trouble.
i told the chick (i don’t know what to call her) that i am a functioning alcoholic and that i drink because it’s a part of my lifestyle and that everyone i know drinks and there is always an excuse for it, i want to change but i don’t exactly know how. the time when i was sober was the most depressing most boring time in my life, i don’t see myself as ever being 100% sober, just hopefully very much toned down.
i had to fill out this questionnaire on a computer at the beginning and then at the end of the session we went over it and i got to keep a copy, there’s graphs of my ambivalence toward my addiction, how i get along with people, support from friends and family etc, she said that was good, sometimes that part of the graph is empty for people older than me, at 25 people still have tolerance for your bullshit, but when you’re 40 they’re just like you are on your fuckin’ own dude you crashed my car and pissed in my closet PEACE. anyway, i decided on my own steed to do this and no i haven’t pissed in anyone’s closet haha.
that’s great and all but had i known this would end up on the fucking CBC i’d like to have been asked first and maybe have my website linked (to mooch traffic) wtf and i look like shit! haha there’s my coffee cup and frustrated fil in the background. this was one of three poses, remember i mentioned it down there, i should have known better. feh.
you really should go, you have until sunday and i bet all the artists will be reducing prices on stuff to get rid of it all. cheap cheap recession cheap cheap economic crisis etc sigh frowny face. warning: ridic. amount of photos with ridic. demented captions post wait warning? more like (what is the opposite word for warning?)(fil and i are fighting about this now, i am insisting there’s got to be an opposite meaning, like, ugh nevermind) you’re welcome! in case you missed the first post on this, here it is.
fancy breakfast i didn’t eat so i wouldn’t fire hose spew on everybody.
sigh.
erin, do you see your grandma somewhere in there?
i don’t deserve any of this, do fancy functions make you feel inadequate, or are you a totally gluttonous self-righteous narcissistic ungrateful snot? just wondering.
the hour to cruise before the public was permitted entry was appreciated.
i want to see the look on hipster parents’ children’s faces when they unwrap something “one of a kind” like scott, i am hip and i made you therefore you are to be hip too and this is what you will play with, a freaky fucking puppet, use your ironic post modern imagination now piss off daddy’s got a southern comfort headache to drink off.
i guess i should talk seeing as i got zeesy to make a doll for my niece.
i wanted to throw myself kiefer sutherland styles into that thing. if you haven’t seen his movie i trust you to kill me yet you simply must.
so you got like, yer minimalist hippie come yuppie dinnerware over here.
then some jewelery seen worn by celebrities you barely give a shit about.
owls are out dude, didja miss that memo?
hmmm maybe.
there’s your plug, sorry you weren’t around when i touched all your jewelry. this one booth chick put her hand up at me like talk to the hand when i whipped out my camera, pfft. this other old lady wouldn’t let me take pictures of her matryoshka dolls she asked me what for (clearly i’m media look at the badge) i say for my website she says oh no no i ask why not, it’s free advertising for you (retard) and she says no i don’t do the website, i think she was matt’s mom haha.
nice rings, gross hands. how come in real life they look normal but when posed (ha) in pictures they make me look 40? it’s the british right?
too hippie for me.
love it.
i am a nerd for miniatures thanks to my mom. one day i would like to photograph her collection. i remember she took me to a miniature show when i was a kid, i know, so fun! (shut it)
a good gag for your obnoxious cigar smoking buddy wait what’s all this fucking junk inside? then it goes straight to his teenage daughter’s bedroom, then the garage sale.
i don’t know what the hell this is but it’s huge. CID LEAVE ME ALONE.
cd holders made from record sleeves, you can mount them on the wall or have them on a swivel stand.
dirty hippie dread/hair headwrap.
um no you can’t come over, in fact, we’ve moved.
WTF man-repellent vests galore.
shit for your garden.
cute original clothing for your totally hyper-unique individual free spirited annoying child i will not babysit.
i’d like to think that lady made an effort to smile for this picture but i know she really hated me for this and hey guess what ethel? i was up since 5 in the morning with mega anxiety and still soldiered out to take a picture of your lamps stop being an egomaniac.
these make me think of kid rock and that makes me think about how much i don’t feel like having sex with whoever is wearing them.
ok that’s cute and patriotic at first but now i am picturing your ugly parents “making you” so thanks a lot kid.
the effort and detail put into this booth was really endearing, she also had a kid and i overheard her talking about the daycare he would be going to once it opened up, french accent, the kid was spazzing out too it was funny. i would be so pumped if my parents brought me to their booth for the day. wait what the F next year i can just get my own booth.
sooooo love these.
you want this for your daughter and her name is Wednesday Violet, you disgust me.
easy there fil.
i carried that cup with me everywhere how bohemian, yeah and then i played hacky sack and wrote some poems at a drum circle while smoldering plumes of clove smoke encircled me.
perfect, my next visit to the psych ward wardrobe is now complete.
these guys represent how much acid the artist consumed over the course of his life.
still can’t figure it out.
should i start wearing a beret so that people will know i am an artist before i even open my mouth?
there was a point in fil’s life when he wore a fanny pack UNIRONICALLY, likely around the same time his hair was down to his ass. probably after that too. fil, what in the hell did you keep in your fanny pack? oh and he had a pet ferret too. case closed.
these guys were nice.
fil’s step dad collects weird knives.
neat, from top to bottom the process in how a knife is made.
is that a bow staff? i bet these dudes are LARPs.
see how deliciously free of people it was for us, ahhhh. on our way out the herds of women and bummed out kid nerds were hilarious.
just give me a minute to crab out a sec.
TMI asshole.
um your kid swore at me that means i can break one of his toys.
these people were nice, i gave them my card so i have to say that in case they are reading, but honestly they were decent, they let me take pictures of every single faerie.
i really like little things, is there something wrong with me?
resting on a nest for some sort of creature what is going on here?
um you passed out on my purse i kind of need it right now hello.
even smaller ones!
fil stopped me from buying this and my heart still aches for it a little LOOK it’s on a teeny BED made from the forest i can’t STAND THE WHIMSICAL PUNCH ME.
i suggested this little tiger lily for fil’s mum or a similar one to it (for a tree ornament). these things seem like a good idea at the time then you bring them home and are like, oh my fuck what did i do? then you get to watch your loved one pretend to enjoy your little trinket that cost way too much money and then you hate yourself for the rest of the nite. i am one of those eager to please gift givers, it goes along with OCD, being neurotic and desperation to be loved and accepted by everyone and it so totally sucks.
have you had enough of these things yet?
funny name. we sampled a blueberry chocolate, interestingly yummy. as he gave it to us we had to pose for pictures so i of course made stupid phony open mouth excited face, overdoing it is my thing. it’s amusing to me when people (strangers) expect normalcy and then i funny their asses into outer space they are like what just fucking happened?
capital YIKES.
thank you for bringing heaven’s gate back i missed those guys.
see? something normal.
shit for your mom.
dad this is the book i was telling you about. this 24 year old kid working for the national film board of canada found himself in india by fluke with the beatles and decided to stick around like a little genius.
can you believe the luck and aren’t you disgustingly jealous?
he wasn’t there when we were he had just stepped out, good thing too otherwise i’d have spooged all over him on behalf of my dad.
here‘s the official website for it if you have 875 dollars to burn.
