no one wants to be in a band with me because i would violently hog the spotlight. it’s ok i “get” it. fully. way to miss the biggest potential money pot ever though, retards. i wrote some punk songs regardless of all that. there is no sense in depriving you of my amazing one song a decade writing skills so here she goes no laughing!
WHITE TRASH BALLAD by lauren white
i know a boy
he said to me
you’re very ugly
it’s plain to see
i said why don’tcha
check your fuckin’ eyes
i’m gonna give you
a big surprise
i know a girl
she’s dead to me
she was my best friend
since we were three
i said why don’t you
just run away
and so she did
that was last may
i knew a boss man
and i don’t care
for any of his
bossin’ affairs
he told me baby
that this is it (point to crotch)
i told that fucker
i fuckin’ quit!
and then my baby
he ran away
i didn’t need him
why should he stay
i told my baby
you give me head
or else dear boyfriend
you’re fuckin’ dead (cringe!)
my dyin’ wishes
i ain’t got none
don’t want no cryin’
just drink ’til sun
no hocus pocus
no churchy rhymes
take out that bill roll
and bust some lines
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA ok some laughing is allowed. i wrote this in the car early summer in like 15 seconds and it’s kind of a rip of a song we did in an old band i was in.
the other song i wrote is too gay for typing you would have to just hear it which will be never so bye have a great case of the mondays!
I met you an hour ago on the internet. Me- at work at pool store in St. Catharine’s Ontario, right across the lake from Toronto. Who works at a pool store in the winter? My winter days have been filled with browsing the same websites when my boss and the manager aren’t in (already got a talking to for that one)
Stumbled upon your blog today by link at shedoesthecity.com. Not one to read, enjoy or even care about blogs, i wasn’t particularly impressed with any until now. Went to college last year for public relations- tried to start my own blog- failed miserably. Have never been particularly involved with the internet. the fact that trillions of websites are out there scares me. i just want one or two to enjoy everyday
Why do I care so much about your blog over the last hour? judging by how sore my eyes are- you must have done something right. your ramblings and rants are ones that i’ve had, just haven’t had the time to write them down. I try to relate to the fluffy- magazine type horoscope and letters to the editor, but it’s your blog that I’m intensely drawn to. I’ve read some reviews, and have done some google research on you, but I’d rather just read what you have to say. I’m a twenty-something, insecure, frantic and confused woman who is done school and has no clue how I’ll be spending the rest of my life hence, the pool store gig. minimal friends… out of whack relationships… problems with image/weight… etc. etc. Just started p90x as my new years rezzie… oh boy. I find comfort in knowing someone as established, beautiful and quirky as you has the same problems.
i’ll keep reading. I forsee a Saturday/Sunday marathon reading your blog from the beginning. thank you for being enticing and different … most of all honest.
give yourself some credit. you captured my heart and attention in an hour. can you walk on water to??
when i see that someone posts a jerk-off remark trying to slam Raymi it is really disappointing that a person is so unhappy with their life that they want to try and hurt her feelings
there are millions of extraordinary women in the world, thousands on the internet, hundreds of those in Canada, a dozen maybe who stand out, and guess what?
Raymi still rules.
like Howard Stern, a hero to millions because he dares to be more honest about himself than anyone else, makes all others look fake, all wimps
so too, Raymi is a hero
takes courage and faith to do what she does
she treats all of us as if we were a personal friend, each post a private sharing to those she trusts.
only the shallow and ignorant fail to see that each post is a gift, and she spoils us with her energy and dedication
and oh yeah, did I mention she is one of the most brilliant writers anywhere
(terribly) belated bday gift from me, to sass, that shirt.
two-day braids holding up.
cool left turn line-up!
that dude beside me i busted him pullin’ the massivest ugliest yawn ever.
love these ancient bridges.
i need to get a new shit purse. a purse for my shit inside of my bigger purse, purse. roots need to get did too. awful store lighting.
well if carrie bradshaw’s old face can do this then so can you no?
err. not flattering mirrors plus the tween store chick’s were spying us hard. amaaaazing twirling dress though for sure.
did not get, not practical for winter. it got stuck over my head and arms and it felt like the end of the world, sheer panic. happens lots you’re like I DO NOT WANT TO BUY THIS FUCKING SHIRT BUT I MIGHT HAVE TO COS I’M ABOUT TO SPLIT EVERY SINGLE SEAM INCREDIBLE FUCKING HULK STYLE IN TWO SECONDS HELP. my trick for that is to take a breath, calm down, inhale, tip toes and arc my back like the letter C and shimmy that fucker up and off.
sweating while shopping. my favourite.
a full bladder and weed pasties and mall anxiety. i ended up selecting a black/white striped number, kinda slouchy but not so much as i chose a small size. sass got a leopard print fur jacket thing and dave got pants and a cool shirt. i regret not getting the shirt i wanted initially and bee-lined for boxing day. kinda one-trick ponyish, but so am i, so perfect. i’ll go back for it.
oh gawd.
all this and more can be yours if you come visit me. bye sassbian xoxo.
going to try and get out with the dogs today. maybe karaoke if it exists anywhere out here tonite.
sass is back after her long work’ation in LA nice nice. more on that later but for now round II of stoner chat with spliffanie. happy friday pals!
me: pick a picture u want for your updated stoner logo
oh thats right i like hearing about drama class too
Steph: HAHAH
I WON AN AWARD
me: HAHAA
thats good
cute girls usually win stuff
Steph: i went to like, drama competitions
me: i went to my room and read fear street novels by myself
Steph: i read christopher pike
me: me too
they were better cos they had elements of sex
Steph: totally
pic sent
me: k
what one should i do
Steph: um one of the ones in the heart sunglasses?
me: ok
do u want a new stoner name
Steph: sure you have one in mind?
me: spliffy steph doesnt flow
no offense
i like it its just i dunno
you hate stoner steph?
Steph: stoney stephy?
me: omg are u mad at me
HAHA
stoney steph is great
Steph: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
no
i was doing something else
hahaha i cant stop laughing
me: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
im you!
Steph: right so funny
me: k is there something better than resin raymi
i feel like
“i feel like” in ryans voice haha
ryan doing steph
ew
i feel like some people dont know what resin is
Steph: HAHAHAHA
roach raymi?
me: what stoner words are there that begin with r oh brb ill get my copy of junky
roach is good
Steph: ummm
me: theres a glossary in william s burroughs’ junky of drug terminology
its dated tho
btw i like that u are jealous of the author of the book that u are currently reading
Steph: HAHAHAH
me: you’re like i hate you read read read
Steph: ya she’s funny and good and enjoyable to read, im almost over my jealousy
but not quite
me: and u wont share it either
there is nothing that starts with r
Steph: its called I Was Told There’d Be Cake by Sloane Crosley. what a name eh. but then she goes and makes fun of it
me: oh man i hate that way to win me over
Steph: i hate that too
me: is she a character out of babysitters club
Steph: baaahahaa i know
once i wrote a book that was a total rip off of sweet valley high
its hilarious
me: HAHAHA
Steph: print shop chapter title pages
me: ok my name is raymi the tea head
yours doesnt have to be an s word
Steph: k good that was cheesy
no offense
DONT BE MAD
jhahahahahaha
me: HA!
do u know what a tea head is
sorry i am old world bohemian
Steph: no clue
me: tea head, head, viper user of marijuana
chucks is excessive hunger
for sweets
heroin users get it
flop is a drunk passed out on a subway station bench
thats you
Steph: i think more people know what resin is then what tea head is
me: well theyll know once they read this
Steph: are you getting terms from burroughs?
me: yes
ok do u have a change?
stoney steph?
Steph: tea head fred
please
me: raymi the tea head fred
no im going to be raymi the tea head
Steph: no i want to be called tea head fred
me: i think you smoked too many roaches
Steph: so many rules man
me: haha
there are no rules
stephy the skid
like billy the kid
Steph: ug why do they all sound so gay
me: because they are?
Steph: hahahha
me: MARIJUANA MARTHA
thats your name
Steph: sigh
me: the caps lock didnt seal it
Steph: hahaha no
me: urg
ok last chance
or should we keep our names
made good on that lazy ass thing and finally met with gym to have a reckoning. account is frozen, still paying. will have a 6 month credit with gym afterward whenever i like. whatevs. can’t get an appt with crazy doctor til early march. haven’t even seen the guy since before before the big change. will have to get chill pill refill from fam doc. notes to self.
and where do you think you are? her bf was barefoot too (at least kept his socks on) stroking her ass sides with his feet while reading in jogging pants. how long exactly is your go train travel you little lullaby land babies, can’t get comfers-cozers enough? uggs i spy down there, ‘course i do.
it was also FREEZING how hot do your feets get? bare feet in public places is just straight-up disgusting. disgusting for the person and super unhygienic. just gross. add to that jogging pants and the full circle of lazy display is complete. we get it you are in RELAXATION MODE.
ew again! what the hell is going on here why do we need to see the umbilical cord? and why is there a globe bubble inside of that woman? i think the guy who makes these has a wicked sense of humour actually.
sorry to interrupt but my hair became amazing last nite. thanks bun!
how to get it? put it up in a bun the day after you wash it, have a bath and a brew, get out do your makeup, hang out be a sloth then take out your bun once you get a hair headache and be amazed by the cascade of beautiful flowing waves. the moisture/condensation/heat/steam from your tub soak is what does it then it dries all goofy fluffy princess-like taking on the curl of your bun.
fed the snake and he didn’t reject the mouse. good news. anyone want a jungle carpet python? he’s only a little bit vicious, not poisonous. he might even be a she, even.
in other news i’m pretty jazzed to have something new to stare at in the backyard.
soon enough little animals will be burrowing in you for shelter and hiding shit in you oh man it’s gonna be so sick! get ready for daily xmas tree updates. the dogs have graciously taken to pissing all over it.
nice check my little old lady future face.
sorry there norris.
dinner two.
that melba (what the hell is melba? does it mean stale or hard?) toast company finally got their act together and came out with some spicy toasts. very good i thumb up it.
me: are u going to do this the true way
im locating the stoner logo (new one coming soon)
Steph: hahhaa
well i have to apply one more coat on my toes THEN i will do this the “true” way
no way i can do that high
im watching i love you man, man rashida jones is trying really hard not to be annoying in this
me: her name is annoying she should try by startin there
Steph: i know and by not having dated john krasinski
me: who the hell is that
Steph: the guy from the office
jim
me: oh
jealous! (you are)
what colour are your nails
tell me when its roach time i dont want to get ahead
Steph: k
they are navy blue
same colour i wore at sarah’s wedding i love it
me: ah
Steph: ryans hung today so i think im drinking the champagne by myself hahah
me: champagne is good for a hangover
Steph: k you’re just gonna blog from when we light up right
none of this pre shit
me: um no
Steph: k whatevs
me: ill skim out the garbage
Steph: lets do this
me: someone out there will appreciate it
are u roach hut central
Steph: chyeah we have 3 hundred
me: here too
what was your shittiest christmas gift
that can be on the record
Steph: ummmm this bowl with a cat face in it that my grandma totally gave me from her cupboard
you’d probably like it actually
hahaha
me: nice
Steph: you?
me: picture please
um
Steph: beh too much work
me: yes it seems an extremely overwhelming task
Steph: i actually got crazy spoiled and didnt get anything crappy. like a sequined shoe bank for example. i got that last year
me: i know
i got a retarded shirt that i will totally blog
its like so ruffled and the size of your palm
then u open it up and its le chateau gina
silk shiny silver grey
Steph: whats your reaction face like
me: like futuristic
oh man i was like AWESOME
this is so good!
then u show it around and everyone is forced to be in on it
meanwhile it is the weirdest fucking thing ever
Steph: aw they meant well just thinks you’re a pirate
me: well yeah but also its like obligatory gifting meanwhile they dont know u
and then another thing was a book mark made out of steel? with dangly black and white rocks?
i was like um what is this
looks like a whammy bar
saw one in a store the next day some froofy nana store and i was like wow i wish i had one of those!
Steph: hahahahahaha thats funny!
im so boring im like the worst person for this job
me: this isnt a job
woah i got all stoic
zen
remember zen gardens
Steph: hahahaha YES
me: white people are so gay
Steph: we sold them at indigo
me: so hot for trends
like i am so fucking relaxed after pushing that sand around with a little rake
ahhahahaha
Steph: this movie is hilarious on so many levels
hahahhaa
me: i cant remember much of it
i cant do tv and laptop at the same time
tv is never on here during the day
i like to know that i am fully alone in the world
Steph: i guess i have it on as background, ive always done that. but i rarely pay attention. unless something is going down in genoa city
me: oh man
soaps
snooooze
Steph: just the one
i love it when they mention “the canadian border”
or when they go to “tor-on-to” they always show the same skyline so funny
me: i bet they think canadians are freaks
alien
Steph: basically i dont know what else to talk about right now
hahaha
this chick is wearing way too many quirky tshirts in this movie
its distracting
me: yeah once you get passed the first weed hurdle yer good. lasts 20 minutes. 20 minutes of straight pure stupid
Steph: hahah you have analyzed this i see
me: i am intuitive
when i find myself standing still for 20 minutes beside the bed doing nothing i realise oh yeah weed trance
why did i come up here again?
right slippers
ryan just told me he pissed himself last nite HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
Steph: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
yes yes he did
me: wicked
Steph: he showed me his leg in confidence it was awesome
i have so many rules hahaha
remember when i flipped out on you when you sent that vid of me doing wii fit to him?
aahahahah
me: u flipped?
i dumped a beer on myself once wearing burberry plaid pants
Steph: i was pissed ya
me: i was pretending to be joke wasted
sorry u were pissed ms rules
then i poured half of it into my lap
Steph: you knew i was we discussed it
me: sorry
i forgot
Steph: the most important question being
why were you wearing plaid pants
were you skanking
me: because i am party guy
ill show u a pic of them it was when i had lesbian hair
Steph: THE GIRLS A TIME BOMB
me: so one friend was in the john at the time and missed out comes back to us laughing our asses off all wasted
then i retell the story doing the actions then dump the second half of the heineken into the same spot
omg i was not a time bomb
Steph: hahahah
thats a lyric from a rancid song dude
me: such a loser
oh rightHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
remember u told me 50 times u were straight edge
and then madeline did too
Steph: hahahahha
me: then u both told me at the same time
then u kicked a girl and she asid she’d live then etc etc
Steph: i have lame claim to fames
ahahahahah
yes i remember that
me: no u are awesome
Steph: you love hearing about costa rica too
me: oh i forgot about that hahahaha
i am such a shithead why do you even like me
Steph: i dont
HAHAHA
me: you moved away you like me so much
Steph: hahaha aw
i like you cause of the time you said this “we love to laugh” ahahahahahahahahaha
me: HAHAHAHHAHA
when did i say that
Steph: ways back
me: im so gay half the time when i open my mouth im only 50% sure it will get a laugh
Steph: same here
me: and when everyone laughs im like check mark
when no one does i get defensive and have to make up for it by making three new jokes
Steph: once i was being all retarded and what i thought to be funny and ryan was like “dont you know thats only going to create bad memories”
ahahahahhaa
me: HA
what are you doin tonite
Steph: makin dinner?
me: make up a dance!
then perform it
in costume
Steph: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAA
me: remember doing that
forcing your moms to watch
and they pretended to like it
Steph: omg yes
like every saturday
to tiffany and debbie gibson
me: its like this is why u have to put me in dance class so i can learn to dance for real
u go down on your knees and put out each arm one at a time to the beat
Steph: i did lots of twirling for sure
beautiful twirling
remember get in shape girl? or no
im old
me: i do
didnt have it
Steph: i had the ribbon on a stick and i LOVED it
me: and then there was never enough space in the living room so someones dance move got cut off
Steph: yeah
me: brutal
Steph: were you ever in a talent show?
me: i am mortified for my past permed haired self
yes
