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these are egregiously out of order thanks to the beauty of downloading from facebook and transferring to flickr. i don’t think it much matters as nothing that i write here is typical of prediction. we operate beyond the realm of time and space here. ok, on with the shit show. part one. uploaded 155 photos last night, we’ll see how many make the cut. grab a special k bar.

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we drove to niagara international airport. we high-rolled our asses on a budget. maybe i’ll write a travel feature for some penny pinchin’ salivating chatelame doesn’t live for herself house wifey type. wait, isn’t that what i’m already doing?

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another thing i’ve made famous and pre-meme worthy. boing boing just posted about zombie kinis. please. we’re so hip and over them lois was like please buy 3 bikinis before miami. i didn’t wear it once down by the pool. i had a yellow polka dot bikini, beige james bond beach babe armani two piece as well as a red/white foxy roxy jock bait suit. no need to dawn of the dead them with my monster ball tits.

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tracey and i slept here together night one and froze lois out in the livingroom by closing the door. i woke up to a mummy going COLD COLD in the morning then tripped all over myself in the dark trying to get a comforter on her lickity split. my mom is like what the hell is going on !?! CRASH BANG POW. oh lois is cold.

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we found a hipster photographer at the blue martini trying to fit in. nice try buddy. see how they think hipsters are geniuses over there. don’t make me tell it again, we are valuable specimens. that and platinum hair. get ready for slit eyes from kim kardashians. brazilian booties, so many curves i could give a fuck what anybody thinks about me ever again. your ego will inflate by osmosis of these people. leslie told me i better bring my a game so my matrix-like powers made me shed ten pounds two days in. an eleven would walk by and i’d be like damn, i AM jealous of her then a fuckin 16 would waltz through and i’m like, i want to shoot myself.

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went in here. bought nothing. every retail store selling exact same merch, crazily priced alleged discounts.

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from ft lauderdale airport to A1A Beachfront avenue to meet up with vanilla ice.

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on no sleep. bit sketchy and reason why the next day was a total shit show and why i had the scary ability to reap two days of free car rental. a giant slob didn’t do anything to get our bags in this car and said we couldn’t use the trunk, didn’t show us how to even do the roof. was totally rude and walked away while we were groggily asking for help and sweating in the garage. i yelled down excuse me! CAN YOU COME HELP US!!!? in this bulldog hiss. he took off.

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what is this the tracey show? YEP!

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this one made me sigh last night. fond memory. wonderful place. i am so relaxed still. vacations are good for the soul.

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what’s this place called again? great food and view of water and yachts omfg yachts everywhere pleasure craft you betcha.

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i look fat but yeah i did it a few times in front of these borderline cool people and bailed. i asked if any of them had had the guts to do it themself as it was only one guy and a 7 year old boy, they all shake their heads no way. yeah well vodka and tropicana for breakfast beach walk will surprisingly chisel off some of the jitters. i longboard, this can’t be that different except it’s a rapidly moving hovercraft that you run exhaustingly on quicksand and whence jump aboard instantly flip off like a fucking banana peel. simple! (ps zombie kini is now zombie diaper on me).

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grilled jerk wings. not hot. no one is into real heat down there and all looked at me like i was insane to request it.

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for my niece hailey, she loves taylor swift. the jacket seemed a bit big, bigger than my fitted hipster one.

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mom sat in fountain water. hard rock compound. later she left the rental car keys by a statue we posed by lois said which one was it i go i don’t remember because i was too blinded by rage at the time. this was after losing money on slots, aggressive crazies on bikes screaming at us about our lights on at night, whoops, tooling around the airport trying to get back to alamo to deal with their bullshit (insurance stuff) and no sleep. not sleeping will also make you skinny.

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it was overcast but we also got a lot of sun, then a lot of rain. we weren’t down trodden. this was the best fucking vacation of my life.

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that kid took a shine to us like a g rated version of the mouthy brat from role models. we loved the rocking chairs. i overheard a mousy mom go we are on a family vacation to her husband rocking a beer in the lounge bahaha i go look ladies i know you’re my family and shit but i am so glad this isn’t a family vacation. thank god.

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having a massive bruise on my thigh was useful in telling alamo loading 4 suitcases into this car my frail puny self (pro personal training athlete more like) was a horrible experience. they love women there and think we’re meant to be in the kitchen and minding the kids, horrible drivers, sexily sexist. they were shocked and so sad for me. however getting in and out of the back did exacerbate it and make it worse. i kept saying AND on NO sleep. like, yeah, we are totally crazy o’clock right now.

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check the wicked haircut to the upper right of me. i bet you fuck shitty.

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i took ramdoms out the side our ride. how’s my hip hop persona doing?

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the architecture is gorgeous, like a massive yacht on land.

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considered getting weed off these beach bums. they’re like the hippies of woodstock in the same eccentric hobo outfit daily. someone took the big lebowski a little too seriously.

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she stopped me and said i LOVE your outfit. haha outfit? hahahaha then i saw her tattoo and said no wonder, you’re fuckin talkin to hello kitty right meow. we were tanked. wait, were we? what day was this, disgusting displaced bar fly lawyer day?

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storm’s a brewing. BRING IT!

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my mom would houdini lois and i a few times and i’d say to a clerk have you seen a __ year old blond version of me? then the angrier i got in macy’s to one girl i could tell i could goof on right away, have you seen a crazy blond woman around here? lois and i were delerious. i was coming out of a 3 hour booze anxiety wig out. the heat, exhaustion, changing hotels and cities and shopping in between, i had a cry attack in tj maxx. i started hypr-ventilating from all the screaming kids in the changerooms. then it got worse from there.

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this kid was dope though and when lois came back from the bathroom proclaimed THERE YOU ARE! to her. we are a loveable lot. i grinned into my magazine it was such an honest sweet moment.

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hahah i wanted to murder that guy with the squeaking arm rest i think we flew on a lawnmower to floridai really do. then he of course fell in love with me cos i expertly deceptively precisionly hid every which one of my dirty looks. i had lois in stitches. he gave me some gum as penance for the umpteenth time i swear it was an obsessive compulsive tick to me raising and lowering it constantly. also i am frozen stiff here. didn’t fall asleep once.

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guess how much i was driven crazy by their purses being misplaced and looking exactly the same. where’s my purse? in this the world is ending tone of voice (early on set of alzheimers and laziness on my mother’s part).

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all mannequins and all women comment on how their tits are ginormous. curves everywhere i said.

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he was a pig but he was very nice. we cam here for a shot cos they wanted me to strut the strip and get photos of dudes rubbernecking cos it kept happening but i was too shy and said the only way this can happen is if i have a drink. we did. 2 hours later we were pissdrunkwasted eating pizza at the bar and i told off the bartender on our way out agahahaha. THERE GOES MY HERO!

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we brought the pain on this champagne holiday.

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i am the blond punky brewster of blogging.

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my uncle mike has a great collection of antique beach park findings from metal detecting on holidays. people lose so much jewelry. oh casie that thing in your bag is an anklet bracelet.

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i practised my burlesque by the pool in my heels while a dumpling female scowled at me and her husband deedle dum twin ate a muffin and read a novel. so i switched to aerobics instructing the girls instead. i pulverized them.

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then i ran mach ten from our resrot two blocks passed the 100 sign. got a stitch. jog sprinted ran back on the other side dodging tourist slobs and idiots like linda hamilton.

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these could be my legs. we have the same legs and feet size. tracey rips off my style so much, bought the same steve madden wedges. she’s severe.

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our little hobo buddy. also there was a blue jay. and lizards to feed and pigeons and doves we were chucking bead everywhere. yeah pretty much totally most hated and annoying guests but the best entertainment. cos we don’t give a!

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you must eat here.

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this is what breaking man’s heart looks like. i wanted gossip on the search and rescue. i was drunk you see. he said oh canadian and you’re leaving tomorrow for miami. yo relax romeo.

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oh we had so much fun!!!!

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one hundred years of sand! congratulations!

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took me awhile to realize i was in this shot. haha.

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missing the landscape.

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adding shells.

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getting myself psyched up. we are crazy. many a time i overheard, i gotta get me a family like that.

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hey hard rock! las vegas called and they said dream bigger! actually, i have never been to vegas, just near it, (i spent toronto’s infamous black out in arizona) and i so totally want to go and meet holly madison.

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landing or take off.

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hahah aw.

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bla-ow chicka wow wow!

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scariest most nerve wracking part for me is going through customs. too many bad experiences and mom gets a photo cool trace, draw more attention to my knocking knees and too casual attempt at cool. got through fine and no rescans or opening zippers.

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lucky for them i am a limber praying mantis. mom what’s the luggage status? called spirit yet?

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lois and i had matching brat hairdos.

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in case it wasn’t abundantly clear, we have an arrow pointing to this family. yes, freaks. right here! aim here. i love freaks by the way.

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mmmmmmm. phyllo brie.

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paradise is flowers.

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i loved how crazy lois’s look was so 80’s big hair, so hot and wild. i wore my cougar print flippy dress from UO that i almost got rid of.

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you asked for it jerk off.

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topless hair stylists? like naked house cleaning. harold, you have no hair left to cut get the fuck out of here and don’t come back for 3 weeks.

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another strangle tracey moment, makes us think she locked us out coming out like this. i didn’t strangle her until we got to the airport on way back. maybe that’s why they lost her suitcase.

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game mom one of my swarovski rings. we are all about sparkle. lois and i took hours in this jewelry store, two nights in a row. we are similar shoppers, meticulous, slow. except for when i am in a rush.

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woah good one mom.

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i blame the drunk blond beside me. she made it look so easy and was won 70 bucks then disappeared. stupid sex and the city!

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very true. i dunno how mom survived the plane with those bare legs.

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so hot we make water have fire boners.

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hair grows faster in the heat. look i went with no roots.

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cutting this short now have to practise burlesque. never seen so much key lime pie consummation in my life.

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before vote casting, please study the following closely. do it for canaduh! seeing as i’ve been emailed about this a billion times i may as well pony up on an opportunity for an old fashioned WHO WORE IT BETTER?

trailblazer (hyuck hyuck) contestant number one: raymbo bright. model actress blogger writer institution. contestant duex: a royal hottie prospective future queen.

ok now her turn.

snoringly hot. i should get bonus consideration points for doing to first though. in fashion world that stands for something. FIRST. also being your own stylist.

• kate middleton,
• royals,
• smythe jacket

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so, i just read your post where the slobsters called you ‘a bit hippy’. now, i first have to say that i am a well-educated gal of above-average intelligence- but when i read that ‘hippy’ part, i immediately thought 60’s, peace & love & junk. then i read on and you mentioned wanting a scale, etc. so, i re-read the hippy part, still thinking opium dens and free love. after the 3rd read through, i clued into them meaning that you are carrying some poundage in the hip area. see, so ridiculous is that statement in reference to your body, that it took me 3 times to get it. apparently, the sayers of such bollocks have suffered a head injury or six and/or are jealous, spiteful trolls. you are not hippy (in the physiological sense), but you have curves that most women covet. your body is nothing short of fantastic- those photos of you in the roxy bikini are glaring proof. you should be proud of those sweaty hours at TMR to achieve such results. hippy? that’s nonsense. who wants to date a praying mantis or a 2×4? your body is glorious. don’t give their ridiculous remark another thought.
now, go and enjoy your vacation.
j.

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i’ll be needing more short shorts. sponsors?

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a letter about the birth of julian. i know more about the beatles than you.

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all cught up with what i’ve uploaded to date. phewf.

ok when i can get back to where the fuck was i in terms of blogging and photos i will feel a lot more chill. this is like leaving a patient on the table for me, i must operate. then i can relax.

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this is what senora wiener eater looked like bidding teacher adieu. we had shitty food at the firehall, a parking lot hang, then an emo parting. guess which one of us cried.

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it was almost chilly but the sun warmed us and gave me a nice old lady chest tan head start. dopes were looking at me a lot, studiously. am i really that much of a freak compared to everyone else? then i may or may not act a certain way to trigger curiosities, igniting suspicions and opinions.

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post sex scene. i don’t know if i’m to say this or not but no, i did not actually have sex. i don’t think any actresses do. it was not p0rn hahaha. i’m going to write a piece about social media and its role in film/television. do you want to hear it spoken to a room full of horny rich “SEO” whatever types? RAYMI@RAYMITHEMINX.COM hubba hubba.

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i’ve lost 14 pounds since two weeks ago. since this, oh, a good 8. i think i look fat on film, it was a bloaty hangover starvation day. oh well. we had at least 5 takes. i even did my signature leap frog sex position (learned from a magazine like maxim or some shit i dunno) which requires squatting and bouncing, harder still if it’s pretend. you’re on top and well ya.

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raymi the minx’s alter ego is a yuppie. i was this close to going into law. it’s the easiest sluttiest way if you’re hot to ladder climb and make bank if you’re intelligent. i was teacher’s pet in high school law. my notes were meticulous and colour coded plus with all the older than me neighbourhood drop-outs and their collective multiple ages senior than i, was pretty much the smartest pupil. sitting beside my brother’s burn out buddies copying off me and shit trading drugs haha fucking right queen bee. my mock trial? pulitzer worthy. all i did was read a book about who the fuck knows what and whipped up a case a la euthanasia weighing heavily on emotional manipulation. anyway, instead i geniusly decided to put all that energy into the arts. so i could be lazier.

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melodie is going to have to fight this robe off me. i could so take her. maybe we’ll do that for our monthly bar fight at salvador darling ahahahaha. last month i strangled one of our friends and meant it too. she lunged at one of my other friends and i saw red. i have a two year plan by the way before i turn 30 and it’s: go fucking insane. i told a kid at the airport i would stuff him into that last piece of cruddy luggage when he said my mom needed to relax and bring it down a notch. a big lesbo who worked with him laughed hysterically and said that’s a gurl afta my own heart. the wiener had hit on me to and fro flying to ft. lauderdale. i made him fall in love over discussing ghostface killah til my fucking girls got back to me do NOT hit on me when it is your job to get my mom’s luggage when my eyes are burning hot from no sleep and drinking all day long. i ran out into the lot to look at everyone’s luggage to see if someone thiefed hers. hope she gets it back.

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soo nervous here. i asked for wine. no wine. they brought vodka shots. then had another half. felt queasy near the end how i used to feel after drinking too much at the central while working. oh man i can write a book about my job there. damnit i will. clem will love it. when i started working there one of his uptight nerd friends cautioned him of me and my blog big mouth ways. pfft. clem is a rich lawyer genius and owns multiple properties and knows business inside and out, single handedly saved that restaurant/bar. anyway he said raymi if you don’t make waves and if people aren’t talking about you then you’re not doing it right. clem lets get fucked up this weekend! jenny beth is back in town. shit show continueth.

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there’s my moms as we landed in niagara. we flew a ghetto airline called spirit. the seats were disgusting but it was cheap and fast and over easy. we gambled at the casino first. lost money. karma came back to us though and we saved a lot of dough. our car rental, two days free cos of the amateur hour clusterfuck when we arrived. do NOT mess with no sleep til brooklyn raymi at 6 in the am.

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someone’s been searching for my tits photos. there you are now shut up.

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this was my hunter s thompson perch at Alhambra. dope resort. def going back. hi guys thanks for everything! there’s a cat that visits everyday and a blue jay too. endearing.

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shoe mountain kept growing the more we shopped.

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lois got all sexy’d up for hard rock casino night. another shit show but only cos we were breaking down and needed rest. lost more money. the smoke and that combined made me crabby plus a dude who was stalking us. my mom has the best photos when she gets over luggage depression she will blast us with 2000 worth. i took a photo break mostly. it was nice.

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if you stay at alahambra be sure to eat at the place on the corner beside it. delicious food and close dining patio quarters with spectacular view and two bars. we watched a search and rescue with helicopter and search lights as the sun went down and i stared at a hot dad trying to reprimand his teenage bitchy daughters beneath the table texting. my parents are lucky we didn’t grow up in the digital age they had it hard enough with my secret basement nerd blogging quite literally troll style hahaha. man those were the days when my tongue could out-slay the smaller number of haterz.

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i lost my entire appetite which is why i’m a twig now. secret? no weed. clear as a whistle. bonus? now i’m a drunk again haha. in my headier drinking blog days i now know why i was able to psycho blog, you quickly lose the ability to care what they say on hangover fumes and say what you really think. this is about me, it’s not my fault multiples of thousands daily want to know about it.

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hard rock compound where i anger gambled and the clinger found us. sometimes you just make the mistake of smiling at the wrong guy. too genial. anywhoo he was nice but unwanted, i gave my card to disengage. americans will tail you, canadians are cooler, more isolating. i like both but not when i have massive tits and am on a girl holiday.

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we need a hard rock casino wonderland it was like vegas. i highly recco checking it out. brb business call. ok i’m back wooh great news pumped! insert dollar signs. also in other news i’ll be walking away with a new touchpad tonight from a party and i’m going miami beach styles maybe i should call casie to see what she’s wearing. i’ll tweet it instead almost as fast as texting.

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my camera sucks. hopefully my next campaign will get me a new one. plus laptop. plus condo. plus rolex. plus plus. tit job.

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this piece of shit took 20 bucks from me in one minute. ok i have to cut this short, shower time. the story will continue later. i abide by the blog rule of how many people can you make care before 5pm, 9-5 office hours.

omg shit just got realer.

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my hair is a disgusting mess, airplane miami mess. meh. deciding if this song is good for paddy and i’s duet. i have ten spots on guest list for monday night at the grindhouse. we’ll each also be doing a solo performance too. mine will have elements of demonic and sacrilege finery. your crotch may blow out of your trousers. told you i had life by the balls. paddy get a red one piece baywatch suit. we will also need zinc for our noses. our huge humongous noses ahaha ok you can only be on my list if you have a big nose too!

cuckoo bananas hq is coasting on no sleep here and what little marbles i have left are rolling around in my head at mach ten. my blog will suffer (excel) for it. speaking of, how annoying was it that my host went bunk on my last day of vacation. ugh. my mom’s luggage never made it back either. the luck ran out there but loew’s gave us a massive massive deal on our stay pretty much comped fuckin’ everything, even credited us. we were diva supremes this holiday and now with my newly inflated sense of self i will tackle toronto again, back to the monkey race better than ever.

gleaned a quote from the latest vice issue’s employee of the month section that maintaining a consistent online presence is the most gruelling and thankless work ever. ba-leee dat homie! it’s a lot of pressure to keep it irl (in real life, to the geezers) as well as online dominate. like i have to choreograph 2 dances now and then come back here to talk about how awesome i am then go out and do the awesome thing and then well you know. oh there’s the phone.

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it’s that time again. this friday.

more miami shopping from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

tales from miami freak beach from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

ps. a-holes, outfit: major hit. you lose NO! got rubbernecked so much it caused multi-scenes. even women stopped to address/props this outfit, several times too i guess they love the freaks here. plus there’s no hipsters so for future reference bring on the hipster to miami and you will get all the attention you so desire. it made me blush like crazy. a dude with a mega paparazzi camera just so happened to see the shit show what is us roll on into starbucks and offered to take some shots of raymbo and i was coasting on new steve madden wedges high and totally obliged.

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had a lovely dinner downstairs. very chill night. tomorrow we must suicide cram it all in. pre-vacay withdrawal to the max. here’s one more vid. night night.

on hold with concierge from raymi lauren on Vimeo.