Everyone knows a guy who appears to be real calm all the time and low key. He probably wears sandals and baggy jeans and has messy hair and drapes himself casually on the sofa. You know this guy? He�s suppose to be the epitome of tranquility except for one day, out of the blue, something goes wrong and he completely flips out. His true character is exposed. Then we realize his whole, �nothing can bother me� philosophy was crap all along. What a dink. You can only pretend for so long.
i always laugh when i see these dudes flip out. it’s just so, rewarding.
oh yeh, i met Zoe yesterday, that lady from survivor – she’s from maine. she even gave me her calendar and signed it. she wouldn’t let me interview her because she’s under CBS contract ’til may and suppose to be still on the island.
i am writing a book. That’s why I’ve been quiet. also, the internet is giving me a headache and cuts into my drinking time. i got everything that was purchased for me from my wishlist. you guys are the best. well some of you, anyway. the mailman hates me for getting all these new deliveries ’cause he actually has to knock on my door and give me the box and then we have to pretend we are being nice to each other and I am always hungover and grouchy but then get excited and gay over my delivery.
So I have this new hobby. Drinking. Yep. I�ve decided to make it the primary focus in my life for the time being. No more cheap 6 packs for me. I�m gonna do it right. I�m moving on to saketinis, gin&tonics�Canadian Clubs n� coke�.anything that looks fancy basically, goes down the hatch. None of that cheap vodka for me. We�re talkin� about high-rollin� Stolichnaya. That�s right. If it tastes like gasoline � bring it �round. That�s my motto.
And the best part about drinking is smoking. A lot. Smoking of course, causes that bullshit cancer thing, but, whatever. Worry about that when you�re older and resigned to a life of old people activities. For now, you�re going to drink until your liver turns maroon and you cough up some tar. Cause everyone knows how boring nonsmokers can be. And annoying. Fuck. You have to accommodate for nonsmokers too with their separate rooms in restaurants and hotel rooms. Why don�t you all just turn on fire and burn like a witch. We hate you.
Anyhow, I�ve decided to drink because there�s not much else for me to do in this town. That�s really the gist of it. I have all the time in the world. Why not spend it getting soused?
The second best part about drinking is eating. But, you�ve got to be careful with this. You may only eat just enough to satisfy your palate. Otherwise you have a date with Ralph. You know what I mean. Right, so eating is great. Chips, pizza, peanuts – sweet lord. And then you can all agree to cook something like noodles or steak and the whole time you�re like man, I can�t wait to put all this shit in my stomach. Damn. And then after you do you get to have another smoke.
Dude, if that�s not heaven then I don�t know what is.
oh my god. being a bitch actually works, eh? now i’m gunna get more fun things in the mail. thanks guys.
on another note, i learned a valuable lesson last nite – don’t make your own martinis, eat lobster, have a few beers and a bloody mary, salmon cheese spread and a whole bunch of olives. You’ll barf your head off. I sure as hell did. fuck. I hate barfing so much. it’s quite traumatic for me. I cry and wobble around like an old lady and i scream. it’s truly horrible. you can’t talk to me either when i’m waiting to barf and you can’t pat me on the back. What sucks most about barfing is when you think the nausea is going away so you stand up and then it comes at you so fuckin’ fast and you’re like, wooooah and sit down again. At one point i’m like fuck this i am going to barf and i don’t fuckin care but then i start to wuss out and cry all over again.
anyway, i’m better now. i just haven’t eaten anything yet and i don’t plan to.
i was emailed this picture. it’s from nerve.com this girl looks like me. it is astounding. I’m actually going over in my mind if i’ve ever been wearing whatever it is this broad’s wearing or was so plastered i don’t remember having my picture taken. anyway – see for yourself.
last nite i decided i was going to dye my hair blond – so i bought a 7 dollar box of the crappiest dye ever. figures. Now I have a bright orange patch of hair right on the top of my head. i look like a frikkin’ rainbow. here’s me making my angryFace.
fuck you hair dye in a box.
so i got my origami kit in the mail that someone bought me from my amazon.com wishlist. it’s fun. why doesn’t someone else buy me something. yes please. here’s the link again in case you missed it last time. stupid. come on i’m bored out of my friggin’ mind over here…..christ. it’s not like i’m asking for a goddamn cadillac.
HEY RAYMI YOUR A FUCKING SICKO, BUT I THINK ITS GREAT, I JUST READ YOUR LITTLE TAKE ON PUSSY FARTS/QUEEFS., AND THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY STUPID AND BORING, AND I ALREADY KNEW EVERYTHING YOU SAID, AND YOUR DIALOUGE IN YOUR INTERVIEW SUCKS, ONE THING I DID THINK WAS FUNNY IS WHEN YOU SAID, A QUEEF, IS A “POLITE” LITTLE SOUND THAT COMES OUT OF A KUNT, THATS PRETTY FUNNY, LATER/
i am so damn lazy. here, read this. if u can follow.
Karaoke Raymi
I�m so obsessed with karaoke it�s ridiculous.
You�re probably thinking I�m old, pathetic and/or unattractive. You�re wrong. I�m actually young, hot and thanks to karaoke � completely full of myself. Yes, it�s true. Karaoke�s made a monster out of me – I walk around daydreaming about it for days, practicing my songs all over the house.
Karaoke and drinking, for me, go hand-in-hand. The goal is to drink just enough to calm my jitters which benefits my performance, overall. Though, I always, always, end up having one too many wobbly pops. But hey, it�s alright. Thanks to alcohol impairing my judgment – I go home every time under the impression that yes, I am the best karaoke singer to ever walk the face of the earth.
A typical karaoke nite for raymi:
*Go to bar, find table and order booze.
*Excitedly choose 5 songs and give them to person in charge of karaoke. Ask karaoke person how long the wait is before turn.
If friends with karaoke person then ask to be bumped ahead of other people. (obviously more important that other people in the bar)
*Chain smoke and drink until turn at the mic
*Get real nervous and insecure before turn at the mic
*Name is finally called to sing
*Sing song nervously, talking to the audience in-between verses. Beginning to feel like superstar
*Walk back to table staring at the floor, grinning like an idiot. Feeling embarrassed as shit but very proud of self
*More booze, more cigarettes, more songs
*Make friends with other karaoke singers. Compliment their singing. Accept praise in return for own performance. Feel more like superstar
*End of nite, promise karaoke person(s) that will be back next week
*Stumble drunk-ass home, congratulating self the whole way.
