This is what my hair looks like after not being washed for three days. Funny, not so different from when I actually wash that shit. buh.
Ok, so i’m not getting married. I lied about that. It was good to receive twenty pieces of email on the subject, however. You guys are so silly. You believe anything I say. That’s great. Here is something that is one-hundred per cent true – I found a Nigerian Boyfriend. It makes me so happy!
I have an earache and cramps and my room is destroyed and I have 130 dollar steve madden boots and a trillion dollar cell phone and spent sixty-three dollars and twenty-three cents on a hat and a scarf and yesterday I got so much sleep it was disgusting. Buuuuut i have this new girlyfriend who calls me! Woah. And she is going to make me a turkey sandwich and let me watch cartoons at her place before i go to work. SNAP! At first she hated me and so did her other friend but now they like me and laugh at everything i say. almost.
This dude keeps coming over to feed my roommate’s cat because me and coolhandluke (yes he lives with me now) are too dumb apparently to do it ourselves. She has decided to move out already to this place across the street. i kept being cranky and saying, no you can’t smoke in here because i am allergic to it and the girl upstairs has/had cancer. So the girl who is making me a turkey sandwich is moving in Nov.1 and Coolhandluke moved in a week ago. PARTYHOUSE 2002! However I do miss my other roommate who moved back to Scotland. He was super, chill and if something went on fire he would be all, meh, whatever and throw it in the backyard. sigh.
I have a mentor who is helping me be focused on writing The last Minx. He sends me emails that say, “Good. I want you to know that what you are doing is very good and I think you should keep doing it.”
I can’t stop picking my nose and wiping it on everything in sight. Who’s going to that gaymodcrawl? i think i’m going to buy a polaroid camera and go around charging people 5 dollars for a shot of them and their stupid fucking dumb mod friends. YARRRR! i am going to be SO rich!! I don’t get how everyone is all, I fucking hate mod club and Blow Up etc etc but they are still SO into that scene and rockin’ out and all around being too cool to talk to one another.
Ok so I’m super-amazingly-offensive and like, a real crazy slut bitch and everybody hates me when they first meet me and don’t start liking me until 2 or 3 months later after they realise how fucking sarcastic and boastful i am and learn that i am never ever serious and even then they still hate me. Whatever. Most people really enjoy believing everything they read from this site and thinking that in real life I’m all zany and obnoxious (which i am but not 24/7) and i jump onto tables and kick babies in the head. I’ve been offending people all over the place forever. I was confronted by this girl last week for saying, “who are these bitches?” as in, “who are these ladies who have joined us at our table?” She’s all, “Aren’t you the girl who called me a bitch!?” I’m all, “Yah but in a nice way. ha ha. get it?” Evidently not everyone is as smart as me. No one gets it. I should just, not talk. Ever. Maybe to taxi drivers and that asian dude on the milkcrate down the street but, fuck, making friends is hard. Such a commitment. I can’t even get waitresses to like me. Not even if I tip them 50%
Did you know i use to pretend I was dead a lot when i was a little kid? Oh yeh. I’d drape my lanky body on the stairs, upside-down or i’d lie in bed with my eyes open when i knew my mum would be stopping in. The best was pretending to be dead in the bathtub, underwater with my eyes open. I could do it for like 4 minutes. I have no idea why i did this. i’m just a big weirdo. Though I wish my life were as exciting as Tiezane’s
when i was in grade 3 i won a drawing contest. I totally hogged the one copy of this book Taking care of Crumley that my class had and therefore was able to draw the best picture of these two dorks on the jungle gym in their playground or whatever. All my peers were so jealous ’cause I got to meet Ted Staunton and he gave me a copy of Maggie and Me and he signed it too. I got to stand up in front of all the grade 3’s and shake his hand and hug him and show off my book. Ahhh. Do you believe i was the teacher’s pet and the smartest kid in all of grade three? Believe it. They wanted to skip me to grade four and to french immersion. I’m like, fuck no, I’m having too much fun sitting on my ass working on these simple-ass extra-credit assignments, being miss popular smartypants. I had this method of winning the teacher over every year. For the first month I’d be wicked decent and polite and do all my work immediately and I’d always put up my hand and never was afraid to speak up – and eventually i’d get special privileges like reading to the dumbest kid in class in lieu of doing my own assignments or going to the library to “read” (see: sleep on a beanbag chair until lunch and eat twinkies). And say if i did act up and get ratted out by a fellow fuckhead, the teacher would always take my side. Always. I could go on, but you get the picture. Manipulating people = good.
