we saw superman returns last nite and i take back everything bitchy i previously said about it – drugs nor booze were necessary in the watching of this film. however, before it started we were subjected to 15 straight minutes of the same four fucking adverts it was like that snl movie theatre sketch where they get locked in the theatre and have to watch days and day’s worth of ads and the music says THANK YOU FOR COMING TO LOEW’S, DON’T BOTHER TRYING TO ESCAPE, THE DOORS ARE LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE!!!! and people resort to cannibalism v. funny.

SNL Jeopardy

LAUGHING YOGA

move over reverend alecia there’s a new kid on the street!

reverend alecia

pretty much the best thing i have seen lately.

thank fuck the world cup is over, fiiiinally.

there’s nothing more annoying than italian soccer fans, jussayin’ – hey it’s totally cool to let your four year old stand at the corner of that major intersection for five hours by himself waving a flag! when fil and i were driving around sunday it was like HONK HONK HONK HONK HONKITY HONK and if you make eye-contact with any of these guys they think you are all about cheering along with them so you have to pretty much wear horse eye blinders and look dead ahead the entire afternoon to not let some guy mistakenly think you give a shit about soccer. and their whole WE ARE THE BEST ITALY RULES mentality is fucking gay um excuse me super fat guy leaning against that hair salon did YOU personally win the game? are you on the team? so by being italian and having the italian team be victorious you, by association are also the best? is that how it works? so i can be a drunken lazy louse all i want but because my dad is successful and shit this means i am successful too?

at least england’s soccer hooligans KNOW that they are annoying and smash shit and get in fights and set their cars on fire and don’t do faggy flag waving from cars type crap up and down their town’s main drag over and over until it is dark and delude themselves into thinking they are some supreme race of superhuman soccer elite golden gods from golden soccer lava land.

casiotone for the painfully alone

the subway home video

me:

well too bad i am a lazy oaf

Neil:

ha
ah well
you should go to the archives today
spadina and dupont

me:

why

Neil:

look up someones address

me:

and?

Neil:

see whats up
was anyone murdered there?
maybs..
haunted?

me:

eep

Neil:

most likely

me:

nah gay

Neil:

so what you going to do instead?

me:

figure out what nationality my blog would be if it were a person
id say german
cos its like full of itself , black and white
no bs

Neil:

yawn

me:

YOU are the YAWN

Neil:

ha
you are “to yawn”

me:

hey lets build masks out of bark
oh wait
nevermind

Neil:

dude, waaaay ahead of you!
i just got some new cool wood too

me:

ahaha

Neil:

my big pastime now is hitting the park on the weekends after breakfast
wandering around in the hairy bits, salvaging bits of bark and twigs

me:

who are you a fairy tale?

BONER OF THE WEEK GOES TO KAYLEE DEFER

ok i was a little bit worried about this one like, is she 14? 17? she was born in ’86 so we’re cool. too bad i don’t know shit about her other than she currently plays a mean (not as in unkind, but, badass) teenage daughter on the war at home and makes her actor father lose his mind in every episode and you are quietly rooting for her to do sluttier and sluttier shit like maybe she’ll get addicted to drugs cool!

i have a feeling that show will be cancelled soon so hopefully she’ll play her cards right and be america’s kiera knightly cos well, kiera is irritating as hell. what i mean is, Kaylee, topless – picket fence tooth grin – pretentious british accent + mermaid long hair + barbarian leather bikini outfit + machete + war paint + running across a field screaming in your face = move over CN tower (get it? boner?)

anyway, she’s babesville.

unfortunately we could never be friends cos i’d have to insist she come with me to the bathroom so she wouldn’t be left alone with my boyfriend, chatting ever so carelessly – then i would have to rip her hair out and go to jail. jail = bad.

the biggest thing that never happened excerpt

One of the worst things you can do to your talents is smother them, whether it be by the drink or a 9-5, what’s the point of a talent if it goes nowhere? The whole tree falling in the woods sentiment, does it make a sound if no one is around to hear it? And then some smart-ass goes of course it does, we all know that a huge tree falling will surely make noise blah, blah.

You have a talent and you don’t do anything with it or hone it, then you do not have a talent. That is that. You can talk a mean streak all you want, forty years down the road and you can no longer do the splits, that’s information better left unsaid, sister.